#shity

ok, so this isn’t normal stuff for me but yeah its long i know. I have methyphobia. And i can deny it but its getting to be a problem Nearly no one knows. my family dont know. I've had it all my life. but never told anyone till recently. My family have no idea that i die inside when they have a glass of wine at the dinner table. they've never noticed me check bottles of shweppes lemon lime and bitters before i have even a sip. they dont know how much i hated the valentines dinner where desert was port wine jelly, even though i was told there was no alcohol in it. I avoid the sauce when we have spaghetti bolognaise because always has red wine in it. I skip over scenes where characters in books get drunk. i panic silently in movies. I've had nightmares of people in my family getting drunk. I hate it when we go to pubs for dinner. i feel sick the whole time. when the conversation flicks over to alcohol abuse in class discussions i die inside. it ruined pirates of the Caribbean for me. but lately my methyphobia has been improving. it will get worse. i wont get over it. because i'm scared. methyphobia is classified as an irrational fear, but i disagree. i dont tell people because i would feel like i was insulting their ways. I still remember my older sisters 21st. i didn't know there was a word for it yet. I hated it. the whole night. My sister was drunk. It ruined my already pretty shitty night. I remember how I felt googling my fear. finding out there was a word for it. it felt more normal after that. I told my friends. some of them at least. I wrote it down. I accepted it. i realized why others didn't act like me. why they were okay. But as much pain as it puts me through,i don’t intend to get over it. you could say i’m afraid of my future self becoming intoxicated. I'm afraid of what i could do. i don’t want to lose control. There are words i hate hearing. the word drunk seems evil when i say it. seeing it written or hearing it said makes me feel sick. I'm feeling sick writing this. And i know it’ll only get worse. I'm still young enough. there aren’t expectations. There will be though. my fear might be getting better but it wont last. I will keep lying. but a don’t think i can forever. I don’t cry. i don’t hyperventilate. but my heart rate quickens and i tense up. And i don't know anyone else with it. sometimes i just feel so alone with it. But i’ll live. I am getting better. for now.

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