#shitty internet

*~*

She knew it before she got on the cruiser. Something was different, very different. She had not yet been able to read any reports about Umbara, the successfull exam had required a few rituals and then Master Plo and the wolf pack had invited her to a flight over the city. To celebrate the day, so to speak. But now, her heart was pounding hard against her ribs and she gasped, something was terribly wrong! The shuttle landed and immediately she jumped out, the hatch not yet fully open. She looked around and the hangar was empty except for the clones on duty. Unusual for their troop, usually there were always clones somewhere, who just watched to pass the time. Her master was not there, but she could feel Master Kenobi and went to see him. She found him in one of the quarters, Cody was with him. They seemed to be having a deep conversation when she knocked and stepped through the already open door. Kenobi looked up and a tired smile appeared on his face. “Ahsoka, how nice to see you. I heard you passed?”, he asked and she nodded before taking a seat next to him and Cody at his signal. "What happened?", she asked immediately and shivered, pulling up her shoulders, all this gave her goose bumps and she could see how Cody's fingers tightened around the helmet on his knees. Kenobi smiled encouragingly at his commander, then turned to the padawan. “It's good that you're back. Anakin will probably stay away for a while and I hardly think, that my presence means the same to the men as yours." She was not deterred. "What happened?", she asked again.

 When she left the quarters with Cody, her head spun and the world turned slightly. The commander grabbed her shoulder carefully and held her upright. "Are you okay?", he asked and she nodded, pressing her fingers against her temples. "Krell is not that innocent.", she stated. The Jedi hadn't mentioned anything unusual, but it was obvious. She didn't knew of any clone who would aim his weapon at a Jedi. Especially not the young Dogma, she had seen only a few times before. "No, Rex told me.", Cody replied and she could hear the bitterness faintly. He hadn't been with the 501st or the battalion wich fought them, but they'd already got an overview of the fallen. Many had been very close to him, and in the end each of them had been his brother. She knew clones from both troops, her heart clenched as it had before they left. "Hardcase...", she mumbled, choked and slumped to the floor, her face buried in her hands. "I knew it!", she cursed with tears on her face and Cody stood there for a moment, before he shook her shoulders lightly. "We have to pull ourselves together, vod!" The word tore her from her convulsive crying fit and she immediately swallowed more tears. "Are you serious?", she asked softly, slightly startled, and she knew that Cody's eyes had always been warm. But what flowed through her now was the feeling of home. "Stand up."

 She crept quietly to the quarters and the door slid open silently. The sight was devastating. The domino unit had pulled into a corner and was together as she had left them. However, this time none of them slept. Five's eyes were still filled with the horror of Umbara, when he looked up at her. Kix and Jesse slept on another bed, looking pale and exhausted. The shadows under the eyes of all the clones scared Ahsoka and she put her bag down. The dull sound caught the attention of her younger brothers and she was about to say something, when Hevy stood up and threw his arms around her. Stunned, she grabbed the clone and hugged him tightly, he was shaking terribly and his fingers clawed into the fabric of her cloak. Carefully, she began to pat his back and as if she had flipped a small switch, the clone began to whimper helplessly. The sound didn't really matched Hevy in her head and she carefully navigated him back to the bed and pulled him between her and his brothers. Only now did she realize, that all the clones were shaking somehow. Hevy and Cutup literally shivered violently and Droidbait kept rubbing his arms too. When she looked closely at Fives, she could see his fingers trembling. Whatever had happened, he seemed in the best shape to tell her his side of the story.

She kept herself together for a long time and waited between the clones until everyone except Fives slept. Then she got up and walked over to Jesse and Kix, both winced when the commander's shadow fell on them and were immediately wide awake. "Don't!", Kix begged and flinched, Jesse already bared his teeth. Then they recognized the Togruta and both slumped. It hurted so much, to see them like that and she crawled over to them. She was welcomed into their midst and sat helpless for a moment. She hadn't had to comfort any of her brothers for a long time, she only hesitantly began to run her fingers over Jesse's head and use her fingertips to draw small patterns on Kix's neck. It calmed her when they both relaxed a bit and Jesse even fell back into a restless slumber. Kix stayed awake and clutched his brother's arm. Their heads rested on Ahsoka's upper stomach and she almost missed it, when Kix spoke softly. "I'm sorry...", he managed to whisper and suddenly Fives was with them and patted his brother's shoulder. "It's okay, not your fault.", he muttered and the calming phrases only faded away, when Kix had fallen asleep again. "How long hasn't he slept?", she asked softly, trying to remember how long they had been of Umbara now. “If you don't count the short minutes he was just out? Five days, maybe six.", Fives shrugged his shoulders and when Ahsoka raised her arms, he complied with her request and lifted her out of the bed of the other two clones, so she didn't had to climb over Kix and wake him again.

Together they left the room and Ahsoka looked closely at Fives, he avoided her gaze. For the first time since she knew him, he wasn't looking directly at her. "What happened? I already have information from Master Kenobi, but what happened really?”, she asked and Fives began to rattle the events of Umbara down, almost whispering. An hour passed, then two, then three. They sat in front of the quarters, leaned against the wall and the words just came out of Fives. At some point, he became quiet and when he looked at his commander again, he didn't knew how to react. They had all seen Ahsoka in different moments, and they knew her grief. Anger too. She had shown so much of it, after Echo was gone. But he had never seen such deep guilt in her eyes. Her face was pale and she was breathing heavily. "I suspected it.", she mumbled full of remorse and anger, she was so angry with herself. She should have stayed when the uneasy feeling arose! She could have replaced her master on the battlefield, or at least stopped Krell! But she hadn't stayed, because the Jedi had asked for her... Never again, she vowed to herself. She would never again leave her men alone, just because the Order called for her! She couldn't allow the men to be forced into such plans. Or that they suddenly had to point the guns at eachother!

Fives saw the fire suddenly flare up in her eyes and she got back on her feet, when would this girl break under all that pressure? How great could her will be? "Where's Rex?", she asked and Fives got up too. “In his quarters, working. Hardly eats, does not sleep. Threw out Kix and all the other medics, won't let any of us in. Cody tried it too, I tried it.", Fives muttered, since the death of Echo he and Rex had been much closer than before. Because he suspected, that Rex was just as clinging to every little bit of his family as he was. "He even locked out the general.", he stated soberly and Ahsoka paused, that wasn not like the Rex she knew. "Then let's go."

 They met Cody in front of the clone's quarters, he was pounding on the door. He yelled at his brother in mando’a, Ahsoka heard a few heated insults and hurried over. Soothingly, she put a hand on the clone's arm and he paused. "You are here.", he sighed in relief and part of the tension left his body, seemed to pass into the young Jedi and she straightened her back. “I'm going in there, Cody. Whether he wants it or not!", she promised and watched as Fives and Cody nodded worriedly. She felt the looks of the two men, as she knocked carefully on the door. “Rex, it's me. Open the door, please.", she said just loud enough and waited a few seconds, nothing moved and it reminded her bitterly of the day, when she locked herself inside her quarters. "I'm coming in now.", she just said and checked the keypad, locked. Without further ado, she began short-circuiting it; she would be able to repair the damage later. She had learned a lot from Master Skywalker, after a few seconds the door slid open about halfway and the light from the hallway fell into the dim quarters. Fives and Cody hesitated, seeing their brother sitting at the desk. It was as if he hadn't heard her at all. Determined, Ahsoka slipped through the crack, congratulated himself in silence on still being so small and thin, and calmly approached the clone.

"Rex?", she asked quietly, no response. On the table was a half-drunk cup of coffee, cold. "Rex.", she said a little louder and put a hand on his shoulder. She had expected a lot, just not his new reflexes. In a flash he had looked up, freed himself and her hands firmly in his grip. She saw Fives and Cody squeezing through the door and shook her head, not wanting to hurt Rex any more. "Rex, let go.", she requested gently, the captain shook his head, as if he was trying to dispel a nightmare. “Rexter, it's me. Ahsoka.", she tried, now hopefully and the grip loosened. She carefully grabbed his face and stopped his headshaking, he looked terrible. Even in this little light, his skin seemed pale and his face strangely sunken. He was shaking, not as badly as Heavy, but more than Fives. She looked at the other clones. "Help me.", she mumbled, Rex seemed to have lost all tension in his body and the whole armor was surprisingly heavy. She was sure, she hadn't minded it so much otherdays. Carefully, Cody and Fives grabbed their brother and, with Ahsoka's help, dragged him onto the long unused bed. She still held his face gently as he sat. “Cody, Fives. Can you find something to eat? I am sure there is a tart from Master Plo in my bag somewhere. And water, I think he had enough coffee.” She and Cody looked disapprovingly at the desk and while Fives was on his way to fetch the tart, the commander picked up the cup and a few other things. He let out a few curses and Ahsoka smiled, although that was very inappropriate given the situation. "You don't happen to have a medic left who wasn't involved in all of… this?", she asked and Cody sighed, then nodded. "Give me a few minutes.", he mumbled exhausted and disappeared too. She watched him go, it was goddamn luck that the Commander hadn't had anything to do with Krell on Umbara! He shot well and she didn't knew, if he could have lived with it. But Rex would have to!

 Ahsoka was very patient. It took a long time before Cody and Fives came back. She patted the captain's cheek again and again and he seemed to reappear a bit, at some point he actually looked at her and she could have cried of joy to see the recognition in his eyes. "Ahsoka, you've come back.", he muttered and she gave him a desperate smile. "But of course, why shouldn't I come back?", she whispered and her brother broke in her hands. He didn't cry tears, but the sobs still shook his whole body. He hastily wrapped his arms around the girl and Ahsoka returned the hug, wiggling up to him on the bed. At some point he began to mumble, choked and softly, but there. "Vod’ika, I couldn't ... I should have..." Carefully, she ran her fingers over his head, similar to Jesse's before. "It's okay, it wasn't your fault.", she muttered. Of course, he didn't believe her. He was shaking even more now. "Why are you back again?", he whispered, sounding strangely suspicious. Ahsoka immediately pulled back a little and looked at Rex, he looked so defeated. “I betrayed our brothers, why are you here again? With me…”Ahsoka drew her eyebrows together, her stomach hurt at the sight and she wanted to cry, but didn't. There were more important things to do. "You are my brother.", she simply replied softly and pressed a kiss to his temple. The small spark of seriousness and her big heart had made her an emphatic, young woman.

He asked again and again and at some point Ahsoka couldn't help herself anymore and grabbed his face, forcing him to look at her. “You are my brother and there is nothing that could get me to ever leave your side or that of our brothers again! You took me in and built me ​​up, now I'll do the same for you! You are my brother and I will not let you go down like this!“, she growled, in Rex's eyes she saw a certain clarity for the first time that evening. He stared into her angry face and suddenly, the tears came. "I love you, vod'ika." he muttered, and she let him bury his face in her shoulder. "Me too, Rexter.", she muttered, rocking them both back and forth until Cody and Fives came back.

*~*

Now it was official, Skywalker was insane. However, there was a Jedi on board, who could easily hold a candle to him. And, without exception, all of the clones jumped away ,as she made her way to the bridge. With eyes sparkling with anger, she went to her Master and Rex, who was standing upright on his own for the first time since she had come back. Of course, he immediately got back to work, as if it would help dispel the horror faster. Skywalker had asked about Rex's health, but accepted the quick and easy answer. As if he didn't knew his captain's self-destructive drive. "You and you!", Ahsoka hissed and pointed to the two men. "How dare you? Rex, get out of here. Now!” Her brother looked at her for a few seconds through his helmet. "That's an order!", she barked again and finally, he obeyed and got out of the way. “Master, have you even looked at the men? No one is able to fight at the moment, most have only slept a few hours in the past few days! It's irresponsible to…” Master Skywalker immediately interrupted her. "There is a war, Ahsoka.", he said quietly, making her even more annoyed. “And these are people, not machines! You can't send them back into battle so soon, after all this, there are hardly any men left anyway! Have you even read a report about Umbara, just a single one? ", she snapped and the clones on deck ducked their heads, never before had anyone heard the commander roar like that. Not to talk about that being that up close. Now, Anakin Skywalker got angry too, they shouted at each other for a few minutes, until Ahsoka suddenly became calm and collected herself. For a moment, her master thought he had won. “As Commander, I refuse to pass the order on to the Captain! These clones won't move out.”, she hissed and disappeared again.

 She looked up at her master, she really did! But she got an uneasy feeling, as she trudged angrily down the hallways. She passed a couple of open quarters and whenever she looked inside she saw men, broken men! How could her Skyguy miss that? She stopped at a door, the clone was sitting alone in a corner pulling his hair. Unlike most clones, they were long enough for that. "Soldier?", she asked quietly and entered the room, the agitated mood hit her and almost made her stumble. And there was only one man in this room!

"Are you okay?", she asked again and crouched down in front of the clone. He looked up and the corner of his mouth twitched. "What do you want from me?", he asked quietly and Ahsoka offered her hand, she didn't wanted the man to be afraid of her. "Ahsoka Tano.", she introduced herself and with a tired handshake he also introduced himself. "Tup.", he mumbled softly and she smiled. "Can I help, Tup?", she asked just as quietly as before and slid into a cross-legged seat in front of his bunk, preparing for a long conversation.

In the end, she had a real hatred for her master. And her anger came at Fives too, a bit milder though than at Skywalker. "Oh you!", she growled and was tempted, to slap his face, before simply wrapping her arms around him. He was confused. "What did I do?", he asked worried and felt her shiver briefly. “Never hide anything from me again! Especially not, if only your big mouth saved you!” Jesse didn’t escape her either, but he caught a hefty push from her at breakfast. She was sorry, he winced violently. But when she began to talk her anger out, his face lit up and Ahsoka decided to stick with the loud scolding. From that day on, she always forgot the formalities when she could no longer hold back her deepest worries.

* ~ *

Of course they all got on good terms again, she loved her master so much and yet, he was sometimes blind to the people in front of him. They had invaded the slave empire and although none of them got away without a trace, they digested it faster than other missions. Then came the day, when Rex tried desperately to keep two mad commanders under control, he only managed to keep Cody in place. Finally, his brother could still be dealt with reasonably and in the end Cody admitted quietly, that his men needed him after all. And that, because of that, he couldn't go on a breakneck quest for revenge, even if every fiber of his loyalty cried out to take the enemy apart like all the droids every day. He was forced to be content with just the idea of ​​tearing the shooter's head off with his bare hands. Ahsoka was not, Rex had tried to appeal to her sanity over his own anger, but was he powerless. She was already hard to hold back and General Skywalker supported the whole thing. It took weeks for them, to completely leave this thing behind. Ahsoka noted one evening, that she felt that her Master would never quite take it. Rex didn't say anything.

* ~ *

"Hey, Rex." Ahsoka muttered and entered the tent. She had refused to leave, before the camp was up and the first wave pushed back. Rex was sitting at his makeshift desk, even here he still had paperwork and she didn't wanted to know, how looked at Codys. "I have to go.", she admitted as the captain looked up at her, guilt welling up inside her. She had promised, not to leave the men alone under any circumstances. Never! And certainly not because of the people, whose call she now obeyed. Because she was a Jedi and those, who raised her and took her in, needed her. She had a good feeling about this battle. But when she thought of the temple, her stomach knotted and it was difficult for her to breathe, something was waiting for her there and it would not be nice.

Rex got up and walked over to her, looked at her, then grabbed her hand. He squeezed it hard enough to show, that they were going to fight, but gently enough to ease her guilt. “Don't worry, we'll be fine. Hevy found the flamethrower.", he joked, but his eyes looked tired at the thought. She giggled and squeezed his hand back. "Then let the stuff wander on my table, I'll deal with it.“

* ~ *

Things never ended up on her desk, even though Hevy nearly burned the camp down. Jesse made no move to help, he laughed his ass off. It was thanks to the quick reflexes of Droidbait, that only one tent entrance was slightly charred. Kix almost had a nervous breakdown and Fives, as always, didn't made it any better.

Rex wished, he could have told her. But he sat here, like all the other clones, staring at the transmission. Fives and Wolffe, who, to the surprise of many, could handle cables better than many others, had managed to crack one of the cameras and share the signal with them. Many sat in the room, huddled together waiting for the inevitable.

* ~ *

Ahsoka stared at Barriss, who looked away. Everything rushed past her, in something near to a trance, she was escorted back to the temple and she just let everything go on around her. She felt so betrayed, so utterly lonely. Her brothers hadn't taken part in the hunt, but Wolffe had. Of course, he had no choice, but she no longer knew whether he would give her another brotherly tip after the blow she had given him. She stared sideways at Plo Koon, and the stinging in her chest got worse. Next to him was Obi Wan Kenobi, she felt sick. None of the great Jedi Masters had believed her, no one had stood by her side! She looked ahead, her master walked half a step in front of her and kept looking over his shoulder, as if he were looking to see if she was still there. She was so grateful, but she was still hurt. He hadn't tried to save her from the start, only when she tried to save herself. Perhaps his strength was, that he put himself first. Not the Jedi, not Ahsoka, not even Obi Wan. Oh, she didn't doubt that he would have thrown himself between her and a tank anytime, if he had to. Nor did she doubt his affection, which rolled towards her in waves through the Force. But she doubted whether she could rely on him unconditionally. Whether she could still rely on anyone ...

 All of these thoughts got worse and louder when she turned her back on the temple. Had any of the Jedi ever thought anything good of her, ever? Or did she not matter, as it was with a lot of things for the Jedi? She didn't knew, where her feet were taking her, until she stood in front of the barracks and heard the loud celebrations from one of the buildings. What did they have to celebrate on this black day? She would have liked to be there, but she was afraid that Wolffe would point the blaster at her again when she stood in front of him. She took her time, in the Force she slipped along every single one in the room and bathed a little in the laughter and singing, her mind seemed to vibrate with awe as the Mandalorian songs sounded from so many throats at the same time. Then, she was done.

 Rex looked up and paused, before letting his gaze wander. Cody looked around too, he seemed to be looking for something and Cutup was so confused, that he even set the bottle down to look around. Fives put a hand on his shoulder from behind, Wolffe was with him. "Was that her?", he mumbled softly. Rex knew, what he meant, what his little chaos troop and the two commanders had felt. As if someone had sneaked around them, unseen and unheard. He knew this feeling, as if a voice without a sound sneaked into his head and listened to him a little, before it disappeared again. He got up and looked around again. "She has to be outside.", he replied to Fives. "Wait here and keep your eyes open, who knows what she has planned.", he tried to grin, but his feeling told him that none of her pranks would follow.

Carefully he pushed himself out of the crowd and out the door, the cooling evening air hit him and the sun had just disappeared behind the horizon. He looked around searching, and almost missed her receding figure. "Wait!", he called and hurried in her direction, she stopped. But she didn't look up when he caught up to her. "Where are you going? Come with me and join us.", he suggested, the thought that she had tricked certain death was energyzing and he wanted to share this feeling with her. But she shook her head in a small motion, didn't look up. He became more careful. “How about a bit of sleep then? Your bunk is made.", he offered more calmly, but she just shook her head again. This time, it shook her body with it. "I'm sure everyone would love to see you, Commander." As soon as the word had escaped his lips, she looked up. She was crying, it had been a while since he'd seen her shed tears.

He was confused, why was she crying? Every bit of joy in him turned to worry and he reached out to her, without actually touching her. "What happened, vod'ika?" She sniffed and wiped her face. “Go back to your men. The party sounds great.", she said simply and he furrowed his eyebrows. Something went wery wrong here, but what exactly? "Ahsoka, talk to me.", he insisted and she shuddered again. She looked down at the floor again, as if there was an appropriate answer. "I'll go.", she mumbled, barely audible, and for a moment he thought, it might be a mistake. But she said nothing more, looked down and shivered. "The council still excluded you?", he asked, she shook her head. Suddenly the pieces fell into place and despair overcame him. "Stay, please.", he muttered and this time, his hand actually landed on her shoulder. She looked at him, he could see how betrayed she really felt. "If not for the Jedi, then for the boys.", he muttered and could watch her eyes grow cold.

"None of these men owe me their loyalty, who guarantees me that one of them won't hold a grudge against me and make a short end to it?", she growled, her voice strengthened by the anger and panic. She was afraid of going back to normal after all of this. But even more afraid, she was of being alone against the world. "Who can I trust, if I don't trust myself?", she asked softly and the tears ran down again, she was angry about it. All day long she had swallowed this knot in her throat and now, in front of Rex of all places, she lost this fight too. She didn't wanted him to look at her pityingly. She didn't wanted, to show any weakness. But then she saw the captain's gaze harden too. “We trust you, always had! If you really want to be alone, then my brothers will not stop you.” Then he relaxed a bit and for the first time, Ahsoka was afraid of what he might say. "But if you still want us with you, we will find a way." She said nothing, she would not crawl in front of the council again and bow down to the will of others. She was terrified. “Please don't go away. We will find a way to handle things without the Council. Become a general, go your way. We would follow you.“, the clone muttered and his eyes showed his fear of being left alone. She shivered again and then she broke down, after all these years she just broke.