#shit's rough

aww... It's first kill is the ravening beast!

And I mean triggered in the serious sense. Churning stomach, tight chest, anxious breathing, spiralling thoughts about all of my friendships, and the resurgence of "who TF is actually using my pronouns and how TF can I be friends with those people in particular?"

This friend has supported me from the beginning and she was the first friend I made at the school. I don't feel like breaking off what I thought would've been a great friendship but most of my relationships with people that isn't really based on common interests feel so....distant, I guess???

And to have to doubt everyone that comes my way and borderline cry when I see or hear about the friends I thought I was close to spewing bullshit and/or letting others continue to stink up the place with their own bullshit....hurts. it really hurts and idk how to deal with it.

And I know that wasn't purposefully slighted at me, but this still felt targetted. She's allowed to have her opinion and she isn't responsible for me feeling triggered. However, I feel like her reaction was transphobic?? Or at least prejudicial or discriminatory towards trans people having experiences that clearly aren't catered to a cis audience. (Very manly men can have and carry their own kids, argue with the wall <3).

I'm not sure what the difference for where the line is between those three forms of discrimination but like......it doesn't sit right with me. And while I'm questioning if it's worth breaking friendships for, I'm also questioning if that's just gaslighting myself into letting transphobic bullshit pass.

They ignore 99% of his canon personality and latch onto the one (1) crumb of “i’ll totes do better guys promise” which is. well. you’ve seen him he tried to kill an entire town and he thinks “oh i’ll be a writer” makes it ok?

i literally only trust 2-3 people (one of which being myself) to write proper aiden, even post s1e5

Everyone else writes him as an overfluffy babification of him or just. as Diet Lukas. when no, that’s not the case - everyone hates his guts, he hates everyone’s guts, and aidesse shippers really don’t get it because even when aiden says he’s sorry JESSE’S STILL FUCKING PISSED

is injecting bits of your personal life into the words. it’s inevitable, really, because writing is like a second outlet for me -- it’s another form of therapy. i inject some personal instances into my works without realizing it most of the time because my mind just goes wherever it wants, and my fingers follow. they type the words i need to hear and sometimes write scenes i wish i was able to experience.

it’s one of the most difficult things because it forces me to face what i am feeling. there is no hiding from your emotions when you’re a writer. it’s easy to say you can distract yourself by writing because it’s like reading -- you get lost in a world that is not reality. but it’s all the same.

every time i write, whether i want to or not, i am working on myself. i am healing and i am processing through things.

which then only makes the work harder to share with the world. because my emotions are now there.

this mini-rant really did come out of nowhere, but not entirely, because as i’m writing a short mycroft x reader fic (i’m not sure when it’ll travel to here, so bear with me), i’m realizing i am injecting things i am still dealing with today.

and some of the thought processes the reader is having are so heartbreaking and they’re making me cry because they are my own. and because i don’t like to have the outbursts that i do and i don’t like that i beat myself up in my head so much and i don’t like that i automatically assume someone who shows me affection is doing so in a malicious or self-serving way -- but that is all how my brain has been programmed.

this life that i live is a constant battle of healing and retraining my brain and it is hard, but not impossible.