#shegotbored

Well, naturally the cheerleaders are going to eavesdrop on the big Sterling v. Celis showdown. 

Not just because Rowan stormed in at the right as Clementine was the first person to walk out of the locker room first, and walking out and interrupting by crossing the gym floor with their squeaky shoes, so now they’re all locked in here by social courtesy until the argument is over--- but also because this is the first conflict where nobody’s LIFE WAS ON THE LINE anyone at Plath has witnessed in months. There are no knives drawn. Nobody is threatening to assassinate a 58th member of the human race with devastating accuracy. It’s just two high school kids. Arguing. As high school kids do.

It’s wholesome, in all relativity. Really takes Max back to the days when she didn’t need to keep a tape recorder in her bookbag just in case she needed to document her final words revealing the identity of her assailant. 

And there’s some childlike simplicity in twelve girls crouching underneath the locker room door’s window at just the right angle to spectate without being obvious. Everyone’s careful not to whisper, as paper thin walls work both ways, and it’s not like anyone wants to miss a single moment. It’s endearing for what it is, but the crash course Max took in GUILT & EMPATHY this year is making it hard for her to enjoy the nostalgia of the whole spectacle.

She slips out her phone, makes eye contact with Norie on the other side of the huddle. 

👫 …someone who has a crush on my muse.

     Lenore Fucking Delapore! Gorgi Norie! Norie, co-captain of the cheerleading team, Norie that could have ANY BOY she wanted! And still! She chooses Cypress Fucking Bronte, the socially aware bully and drifter. He may be a bully he but at least he’s not misgendering you, making fun of your sexuality, or your race, right?

     They would make the P E R F E C T couple. A bully, a cheerleader, two genuinely terrible humans. So why didn’t he like her? It didn’t make sense, she was beautiful and stunning and an asshole, 

they could have cute hang outs where they just made fun of their classmates on Instagram 

they could show everyone how Aesthetic™ and how cute they were! 

they could make the entire student body jealous with their fake ass hipster pictures by the harbor

     Hell, they could even take pictures with Cypress’ plants and they’d still be considered the cutest, most popular couple in the school. (Begrudgingly after Tyler Romero and Max Bronte). But sadly, that’s not how life works, right?

     But the Bronte’s had to leave Hooper Port, Norie got bored of life without her sweet                    Cy to try and make straight. THANK GOD HER PARENTS STARTED FIGHTING!     Thank God that they decided to send her to Plath. Thank God, Thank God, Thank God.     She might not BELONG at Plath, but she’s sure as hell going to have her FUN.

Now she can fix Cypress Bronte so he finally dates her.

     After all, there’s no proof that Cypress can’t realize he’s actually STRAIGHT, or at least bi. Stupidly bi, but bi nonetheless. 

     Y’know, so he can finally, finally, finally date Lenore Delapore.                           Hooper Port’s True Supreme Queen.

        “ ------and it’s... legit, it’s like the longest, coldest fire drill ever, so I’m like, okay, let’s play Never Have I Ever to pass the time and get our minds off the cold, right? And fucking Sarah joins in, but she’s giving me this snooty look with her eyebrows and she's all, ‘I’ve never had sex.’ And I’m like, aw, maybe she’s making that face ’cus she’s embarrassed, right? ‘Cus everybody else here’s a total hot mess and she’s definitely gotta be the only sad little virgin in this school. So I make a little joke about how it’s not that special--- don’t rush it, all that ABC Family stuff--- and then I remember that it’s my turn, so real quick I just go, ‘never have I ever shoplifted.’ Like I wasn’t really thinking about it or anything, you know? But she like, totally loses her shit and gives me this face like she thinks I was targeting her or something, and then she takes some time to think about her next one, like she’s trying to come up with a really good one to ‘get back at me,’ and then she implies that I’m a FAKE WHORE or something--- and then the teachers let us back inside. 

          “ But looking back, I’m like--- I kind of think she was trying to imply something with her first question too? Like, I’m like... 90% sure she was trying to call me a raging slut. Like, thinking back, I could definitely hear it in her tone. You know that face Ginger Friedkin used to make when she would talk to Teddy King? She was doing that. Norie, she is such an asshole, like you don’t even understand. ”

Every so often, Mr. Kane throws some math equations from a few lessons ago into his homework assignments. They’re always easy compared to Max suspects he does it to boost the students’ confidence when they can at least answer those equations right. Because they already learned them to death, they already understand them, and they’re supposed to feel easy. More than anything, they just feel like mindless work when Max should be trying to wrap her head around bigger problems. 

Take the essence of solving one of those trite review questions. That’s where she’s at tonight. Walking back into the slushy grass to look for the tape recorder she threw out the window when she just wants to lay in bed and muse on REAL PROBLEMS like Gabriel D’Angelo or her Creeper suspects or who Lydia Asher is going to the masquerade ball with. 

In short, figuring out who’s messing with her this time feels more like a chore than a mission. And when she hears someone else’s presence while she’s searching the bushes, she’s more inconvenienced than she is panicked by having to flip open Sid’s switchblade and straighten her posture while she squints to see the jackass she’s going to have to face tonight.

YOU WOULD THINK that breakout real-life Scream Queen Max Bronte might be fresh out of fear after everything she’s been through in the last eighteen months. You would, of course, realize how very wrong you are when the scream of the tape recorder is met with one BLOOD-CURDLING wail of her own. Max Bronte is a faithful geyser of panic and tears. And her vocal chords can always keep up the good work in the next chapter.

But despite Bronte’s performance, the critics have given generally negative reviews for ATTACK OF THE HORROR MOVIE PROPS IX: RETURN OF THE QUEEN’S SCREAM.

                                       ———————————

“Jump scares are cheap.” –𝑫𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅𝑪𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒍.𝒄𝒐𝒎

The notion all snoods unanimously agree on. There is no lingering fear for you, as the viewer, after experiencing the horror movie equivalent of a game of peek-a-boo. You’re only reacting out of primal instinct. The loud noise doesn’t keep you terrified in a post-hunter-gatherer lifestyle, because you’re capable of reasoning that there’s no danger for you. You adrenaline levels drop within the split second it takes for you to remember that nothing is really happening after the fake-out scare.

But we forget that our heroine doesn’t have this privilege. Even after her scream ends, after she slides open the window and chucks that blaring speaker outside as fast as she can to spare Eve’s eardrums. After we realize there’s no hyper-immediate threat, Max’s heart still rams itself against her chest hard and frantic like it’s trying to break out of a body it’s sure is doomed.

After she wipes eyes dry, Max offers Eve the comforting lie that she’s just gotten into a harmless PRANK WAR, and her undisclosed adversary just pulled something tasteless, but she’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.

The fear that lingers is the epiphany that comes with her impromptu excuse: there is another person out there who’s found a way to infiltrate her room. And they’re well-read on her past.

                                       ———————————

“New director acts fresh out of film school. Formulaic garbage. ★✰✰✰.” –𝑹𝒐𝒈𝒆𝒓 𝑬𝒃𝒆𝒓𝒕

The gimmick follows the same suit as Jimmy’s surprise carnations and slasher flick gifts, combined with The Creeper’s signature dorm room handouts of horror. But do not be fooled. This is, undeniably, someone else’s handiwork. It’s nowhere NEAR ambitious enough to be The Creeper’s. Max has grown an intimate familiarity with the scent of gore in the last month. This blood is FAKE. The scare is COUNTERFEIT. It’s a PRANK and an insult to the fine auteurs on this campus, who go that extra mile to splatter THE REAL STUFF on Max’s window. And the sound effects? Absolutely sophomoric. It ruins the whole spirit of Jimmy’s more nuanced style by going less muted and camouflaged, more campy and flashy. Jimmy’s gifts were little winks he tried to share with Max and Max alone. This is LOUD and BOOMING and overtly ABRASIVE. 

Whoever is behind this hasn’t brought anything new to the table. They’re a run-of-the-mill Jack the Ripoff, copying Jimmy’s pranks, minus the subtlety. In fact, Jimmy’s used this mask specifically in his earlier antics. Max’s new adversary is no mastermind; they’re just AN ASSHOLE, repeating the same old song and dance, remaking the classics without the ingenuity.

(The only thing cheaper than jump scares is cashing in on nostalgia!)

                                       ———————————

“Brings the series back to its roots, but the inclusion of a third villain convolutes the plot.”                          – 𝑹𝒐𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒏 𝑻𝒐𝒎𝒂𝒕𝒐𝒆𝒔, 𝒂𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒂𝒈𝒆 𝒓𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 33% 𝒑𝒐𝒔𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒗𝒆.

This scare is a throwback to reward long-time followers of Max Bronte’s Terrible Life, and it’s almost endearing. Even Max would prefer to go back to the times when pranks like this were the only things she had to worry about coming home to. She’d love to go back to Hooper Port, 2015, when she could still spend Saturday afternoons watching football in Norie Delapore’s basement and pretend she wasn’t too insane to live among normal high schoolers. Now that she knows Jimmy was never really out to get her, she realizes those were—so bittersweetly!— the good old days. 

But as it is, Max can’t go back. The plot has thickened too far and there’s still so much to resolve before her story is rebooted. She’s in too deep with her Creeper investigation. She still has to sort out all of the knots left in her relationship with Jimmy. She already has pre-production plans for who her sequel villain will be. She doesn’t have time for another freak.