#sheepconfessions

Earlier today, instead of trying to accomplish the things written on my extremely long to-do-list, I sat down, turned on my laptop and decided to watch a movie. I felt the necessity to allow myself to breathe, to live, to enjoy; simply savoring the morning dew and lavishing the blowing wind despite all the external and internal pressures.

I decide to watch Finding Dory. Dory, in the story, often gets into trouble because of her poor memory. There was even a point when Marlin, Nemo’s dad, said that Dory was only good at forgetting, implying that she is a burden because of that. As the movie was about to end there was a line that struck me: “what would Dory do?” because despite her weakness, she was really very determined to achieve her goal. She never wallowed on the thought that she was too forgetful to accomplish anything. She did not allow her weakness to define her; instead, she used her weakness as a launch pod to reach her goal.

How do we respond to our weaknesses? Are we like Dory, who despite her weakness still tries to be positive and optimistic? Or do we allow our emotions to drain everything out of us? As I was asking myself, I immediately concluded that I have always been responding like the latter and I was reminded about this: 

I came to this place of repentance upon letting it sink in. Is His grace not enough? Why does my heart break every time I fail? Why lament over my weakness? Is God not enough? These were my very thoughts. Humbled I came to my God, pleading to rediscover Him and His grace, pleading to experience Him in a whole new level, pleading to allow Him to be God over all my weaknesses, pleading Him to make me realize that my weaknesses are there to remind me of who He is and how great He is.  

For some reason which until now I still keep on asking why or maybe I am just in denial with, I keep on moving from one place to another.

It was in the middle of my i-cannot-explain-what-kind of phase in life when I bumped into these strangely affectionate beings. Yes, they are exceptionally strange. Maybe, our paths were meant to cross at that specific time in space which happened to be somewhere in the middle of my upside-down, topsy-turvy life.  It was a phase where I was torn between wanting and not wanting to socialize, I was in the middle of my doubts as to where God was, where I should be heading and what sorcery has been happening in my life back then.

If I remember correctly, my first encounter with Janine and Riyah was late 2015 when one of them asked me to be their trekking guide and I immediately said yes, probably out of boredom. My second encounter with them was summer of 2016. I honestly hoped to work with the other year level since I found no reason to interact with their batch and I didn’t know them at all, it was plainly uncomfortable and burdensome for me but to my surprise, I was tasked to supervise their batch. I was somehow agonizing at that fact and at the same time thrilled as to how I will deal with such strangers of whom I barely know a thing.   To cut the story short, it started with Hyeje constantly communicating with me regarding their OJT then some random life talks. Then a few weeks later, it was Janine’s turn to communicate with me since I needed to visit them at their far flung area. An 8-hour drive from the city, which I originally didn’t mind but I eventually found out that they didn’t want me to visit them *insert crying emoji*. That was also where I got to see Katch for the first time, I never knew she existed until I saw her name on the class list and I kept on wondering what she looked like. By the end of their on-the-job training, I asked them do a report about how their training went not knowing that it was also the time that I had a close encounter with them, all at once. It was a random pizza day, I didn’t know what got into me when I agreed to treat them that day. So that was where it all started. From then on, our paths have been drawn closer to each other. Hyeje became one of the executive officers in the organization which I closely work with as part of my social involvement, and then the other three became part of the working committee of an event- update: Katch is now leading the working comm. *insert seal clap*

Upclose with them (in alphabetical order)

Hyeje

She’s my five years younger self, wiser version that is, a very clingy creature. She has her own set of antiques which makes it even harder to say no to. Our very first few conversations went something like she really wants to travel and for a time she was awe-amazed at my life hacks. How I managed to get my degree and my license after a series of failures.

From how I see her, she is a strong independent and will-powered woman who knows exactly what she wants, well maybe not exactly but atleast she knows what she wants. She has so many aspirations yet limited as of the moment, she wants to travel and see the world, and she is an explorer.  She knows when to say something and when to simply listen, she knows when to put her guards up and when to loosen up and share pieces of her. My time with her was limited but with that short period of time, I may have a biased perspective of who she truly is but I am certain that my idea of her is not far from who she truly is. At random times, especially when I feel so obliterated and exhausted with life, she takes time to encourage me with her random wisdom which I really do appreciate, she has the courage to correct me  straight to my face and remind me of my true identity. We may be miles apart but I have always envisioned her to be out there somewhere, a missionary of some sort. Haha. Hawow, Clingy!

Janine

The jealous one. HAHA. I also see myself from how she reacts to certain things. She is strange because our ideas really do not agree with each other which makes it hard for us to converse without arguing. Sometimes I keep on wondering if sharing life with her is a good thing because I might end up discouraging her or I might unintentionally send the wrong message across. Nonetheless, I just allow her to talk about random stuff just as how she allows me to do the same, which is probably why, despite differences, we really get along well too. She’s someone who I know is willing to listen to my *insert time of the day* thoughts, not just listen but react and comment as well, which I really appreciate the most. I find our random conversations productive because I always get to see a glimpse of how it looks from another side of the picture. It is always a joy to exchange a couple of wisdom with this woman knowing that it will never be a waste of saliva and time. Whilst being argumentative, I find her very courageous for being able to voice her thoughts out. An emotional being wrapped in so much fats, that’s basically her.

Katch

Firm, that’s one word to describe her. She has always been firm with her personal decisions. They say she has no emotions or dubbed as the “lampake” to which I disagree. I can’t tell when we exactly got along so well but Katch is actually full of emotions. So full of emotions but she doesn’t express them all out in the open. Try talking to Katch and you’ll see an entirely different version of her. Processing my emotions with her is very comforting too because I figured out that she can really empathize. I’ve had so many emotional burst outs alone with Katch, from wanting to crash my car to just wanting to cry and everything else in between. She handles emotions subtly and her thoughts are always on point. She is a tender soul with parcels of emotions, she knows when to let loose and when to just keep it all in. I appreciate her for handling me, my constant nags and my fair share of immaturity. She always wants to keep things simple and less complicated, a lowkey supportive and caring being.

Riyah

A paradox, she claims. Riyah is another fluffy thing filled with so much insecurities of which I seriously cannot comprehend why. She has so much to show the world yet fairly shy but once her confidence is built up, she can also be overly confident. I had a hard time befriending her. It took a lot of effort and strategy to win her trust and believe me when I say I really had a hard time and it took me weeks of strategizing but yeah, guess I’m her friend now. HAHA. She’s a keeper, she doesn’t want to be faced with relational dysfunctions especially with people whom she cares for the most, and she can eat all her pride just to keep everything at peace. Every time I am faced with struggles and life complications, I can easily voice it out to her because even if I beat around the bush and even if I can be very figurative in gazillion ways, she understands me—perks of having the same wavelength. HAHA.  I’ve always known her to be such an intelligent woman and like me, she too has her own sets of realistic points of view which is maybe why we easily get along.

Having them was like having instant sisters. I never really got to experience how it is to have sisters by blood but I have always been grateful for friendships such as these. It was in my most desperate moments that I met them which makes it more significant. I used to think that life’s meaninglessness was bound to consume me but I was wrong. I have been constantly grateful for them because their existence made an impact and their existence encouraged me to trudge through life no matter how chaotic it will be. From the very first time I ate pizza with them, I already knew something was brewing and I knew that soon it was time for me to leave. Having them only prepared me for a future far greater and I will always be grateful because they have played significant roles in fine-tuning me for that which I am called for.  I do not know where this path will lead me but I am certain that He who started a good work in us is faithful.

I entered 2016 expecting nothing. My career was on the line, I was in the middle of a life crisis, my personal issues were overwhelming me; it was basically a spiritual turmoil. How I survived? I don’t know.  Is it important to know how I survived? No, so let’s just say I was really bound to survive 2016.

Spontaneity

The first few months were full of adventures which, by the way, were spur-of-the-moment decisions. A year of first times: from my very first canyoneering experience to my first major mountain climbing experience, to my first DIY international trip and then to my first  50-kilometer ultramarathon. Everything was life changing.

I started climbing early 2015 but it was during 2016 that I had my first major climb at the second highest peak in the country followed by numerous others. The mountains gave me a different relief; I felt that climbing soothed my inner chaos. It was too marvelous, it was too awesome to just be there and marvel at every single thing. No one really understands this better than those who are into mountains as well. Nature had its own way of calming the raging storms within me; it was refreshing, very refreshing. The city life always demanded explanations from me and it was seriously tiring, I found a safe haven thousands of meters above sea level. It didn’t demand explanations; it was just there, seeing me beyond every unspoken thought, unfiltered emotion and unheard screams.

Marathons, on the other hand, gave me the perfect opportunity to relax and to reflect. I know it might sound weird but yes, I am entirely blown away by my realizations every time I run and I even wrote a blog during my first 21k marathon (see link below). My 50-kilometer run was life changing and it was by far, the craziest thing I did and from there on, my running career was, uhm let’s just say, at rest until further notice. HAHA. 

Click link: http://sheepconfessions.tumblr.com/post/133724773022/things-i-learned-while-struggling-to-finish-that

Too much Indifference

I do not blame anyone but I had been very indifferent, I had become what I was honestly scared of. I resent relationships of all sorts. I didn’t want to build new friendships, I didn’t want to catch up with old friends, I didn’t want emotional attachments. I was a broken soul, there were too much hurts, I was living in a box full of emotional traumas. I couldn’t make sense of anything, I questioned why things had to fall apart, why things had to happen, too many whys. I reached a point of nothingness. A point in time where I just wake up, go to work, pretend everything is fine, go home, pretend to converse, sleep, repeat; a pretentious repetitive pattern of nothingness and purposelessness.

Rediscovering Life

Travelling made me rediscover life. It showed me a thousand of different ideas and perspectives. 2016 was a year of travelling for me. I realized that it is only when we travel that we unbox ourselves. We get to see the world we are living in as such a small parcel of the bigger world we still ought to discover. Travelling enabled me to imagine the unimaginable; to search beyond what I know, knowing that there is so much to learn out there; it paved way for me reach beyond what I perceived to be my limits because out there, it is limitless. I guess I’m just a small entity hoping to explore the big world and I will always be that kind of wanderer.

 Plot Twist

Remember I hated relationships, I refused relationships but ironically there was a plot twist. Going to places and travelling actually was the plot twist itself. I got too bored with life that I had to work multiple jobs all at once to feed the emptiness. I had a teaching day job, and online jobs at night and midday but keeping myself busy didn’t change anything, travelling did. My day job required that I interact with students, which I found scary from the very beginning (separate blog for this. Haha). Since students knew that I travel a lot, it became a bridge for them to all the more interact with me.

From hating relationships to slowly allowing myself to be vulnerable again

I strangely found it amazing to interact with people again, do catch ups with old friends and simply deal with people a.k.a socialize (with students mostly). This time, what made it more exciting was the fact that I was becoming their friend rather than just some random badass teacher. This made the plot twist funnier than I expected. Some of my students already knew me from years ago when I was still an undergrad like them but some were fresh young bloods who just happened to be so fond of me, maybe because I looked a lot younger. Haha.  From my boring routine to spending late nights at the campus, going out and talking about life with them; from badass teacher to personal adviser; and from the most-hated and strict awkward teacher to their so called friend.

2016 was too unpredictable. I couldn’t say it was only full of hurts and pains because it also offered a lot of love, wisdom and memories worth keeping. Throughout 2016, I am utterly grateful to my family for never giving up on me even when I felt like trash and most importantly, I am out of words to the One who added color to my black and white season, the One who helped me rediscovered everything despite nothingness, the One who offered nothing less than His love and grace to someone so hopeless and restless, the One who never got tired of pursuing me no matter how prodigal of a daughter I have become.

(photo taken at the crater of Camiguin’s Mt. Hibok-hibok, April 2016)

I stopped counting at twenty three. I could tell you about how awesome my twenty-third birthday was, I could tell you the details of how the celebration went, that was probably my best birthday ever. Then life started not to make sense. My twenty fourth birthday was probably the worst, so far, and now here I am writing my quarter life note. I am not sure if I really waited for this moment or I just want this moment to pass by.

WHAT WAS REALLY WRONG

There was nothing wrong, except me. I had to make decisions of which I had zero knowledge. Well maybe I learned how to make decisions but not life-worthy ones. I mean, not in my entire life had I ever made a major decision like moving out of the city or choosing a career path against all odds—not until I was 23.

I was young and immature; I based my decision on what I thought was “fun” not thinking that it was only for a moment. To cut the story short, I moved to another city and got a job. I was surrounded with people whom I thought will stay with me through thick and thin but ended up breaking me. I don’t blame them though. It was too complicated.

TO LIVE EVERY MOMENT

(photo taken at Tokyo Disneyland, May 2016)

Well, hello quarter life! I find no reason not to welcome you. I have decided (finally!) to live every moment with bliss, excitement and fun. I don’t really know how this season will transition to another phase of life but probably one thing I’m sure of is that I need to keep moving; I don’t know where to but I know I just have to.

The pains of yesterday has paid off, it has made me stronger by the days, weeks, months and maybe through the coming years. The scars of my youth will always be a reminder that although I have gone too far astray, there will always be a way out of whatever mess there is. The brokenness I have felt will always be remembered not as a painful past but as a beautiful setback. The relationships I have lost will not forever be lost but will one day be restored. I do not know how long until all these become a reality but I am pretty sure it will.

I have been contemplating on what I should do with my life but I figured that not unless I go back to my very purpose, my life will never be defined. It will always be open-ended. Not until I will find that reason again, I will never fully rediscover life as it should be.