#2016inretrospect

I entered 2016 expecting nothing. My career was on the line, I was in the middle of a life crisis, my personal issues were overwhelming me; it was basically a spiritual turmoil. How I survived? I don’t know.  Is it important to know how I survived? No, so let’s just say I was really bound to survive 2016.

Spontaneity

The first few months were full of adventures which, by the way, were spur-of-the-moment decisions. A year of first times: from my very first canyoneering experience to my first major mountain climbing experience, to my first DIY international trip and then to my first  50-kilometer ultramarathon. Everything was life changing.

I started climbing early 2015 but it was during 2016 that I had my first major climb at the second highest peak in the country followed by numerous others. The mountains gave me a different relief; I felt that climbing soothed my inner chaos. It was too marvelous, it was too awesome to just be there and marvel at every single thing. No one really understands this better than those who are into mountains as well. Nature had its own way of calming the raging storms within me; it was refreshing, very refreshing. The city life always demanded explanations from me and it was seriously tiring, I found a safe haven thousands of meters above sea level. It didn’t demand explanations; it was just there, seeing me beyond every unspoken thought, unfiltered emotion and unheard screams.

Marathons, on the other hand, gave me the perfect opportunity to relax and to reflect. I know it might sound weird but yes, I am entirely blown away by my realizations every time I run and I even wrote a blog during my first 21k marathon (see link below). My 50-kilometer run was life changing and it was by far, the craziest thing I did and from there on, my running career was, uhm let’s just say, at rest until further notice. HAHA. 

Click link: http://sheepconfessions.tumblr.com/post/133724773022/things-i-learned-while-struggling-to-finish-that

Too much Indifference

I do not blame anyone but I had been very indifferent, I had become what I was honestly scared of. I resent relationships of all sorts. I didn’t want to build new friendships, I didn’t want to catch up with old friends, I didn’t want emotional attachments. I was a broken soul, there were too much hurts, I was living in a box full of emotional traumas. I couldn’t make sense of anything, I questioned why things had to fall apart, why things had to happen, too many whys. I reached a point of nothingness. A point in time where I just wake up, go to work, pretend everything is fine, go home, pretend to converse, sleep, repeat; a pretentious repetitive pattern of nothingness and purposelessness.

Rediscovering Life

Travelling made me rediscover life. It showed me a thousand of different ideas and perspectives. 2016 was a year of travelling for me. I realized that it is only when we travel that we unbox ourselves. We get to see the world we are living in as such a small parcel of the bigger world we still ought to discover. Travelling enabled me to imagine the unimaginable; to search beyond what I know, knowing that there is so much to learn out there; it paved way for me reach beyond what I perceived to be my limits because out there, it is limitless. I guess I’m just a small entity hoping to explore the big world and I will always be that kind of wanderer.

 Plot Twist

Remember I hated relationships, I refused relationships but ironically there was a plot twist. Going to places and travelling actually was the plot twist itself. I got too bored with life that I had to work multiple jobs all at once to feed the emptiness. I had a teaching day job, and online jobs at night and midday but keeping myself busy didn’t change anything, travelling did. My day job required that I interact with students, which I found scary from the very beginning (separate blog for this. Haha). Since students knew that I travel a lot, it became a bridge for them to all the more interact with me.

From hating relationships to slowly allowing myself to be vulnerable again

I strangely found it amazing to interact with people again, do catch ups with old friends and simply deal with people a.k.a socialize (with students mostly). This time, what made it more exciting was the fact that I was becoming their friend rather than just some random badass teacher. This made the plot twist funnier than I expected. Some of my students already knew me from years ago when I was still an undergrad like them but some were fresh young bloods who just happened to be so fond of me, maybe because I looked a lot younger. Haha.  From my boring routine to spending late nights at the campus, going out and talking about life with them; from badass teacher to personal adviser; and from the most-hated and strict awkward teacher to their so called friend.

2016 was too unpredictable. I couldn’t say it was only full of hurts and pains because it also offered a lot of love, wisdom and memories worth keeping. Throughout 2016, I am utterly grateful to my family for never giving up on me even when I felt like trash and most importantly, I am out of words to the One who added color to my black and white season, the One who helped me rediscovered everything despite nothingness, the One who offered nothing less than His love and grace to someone so hopeless and restless, the One who never got tired of pursuing me no matter how prodigal of a daughter I have become.