Sarcastic StarBharat Reviews- Episode 3: The Swayamvar Gone Wrong
Tagging @butchcaroldanvers, @chaanv, @ratnas-musings, @justahappyreindeer @iamnotthat, @starsailororastronaut, because you guys seemed to like the last ones. So, here goes.
The episode begins at Hastina. Bhishm is brooding. Satyavati enters. Bhishm does a pranipaat to the strains of what will later be part of the BG theme for Dronacharya. Satyavati says she did not mean to insult Bhishm back then. Bhishm does not take offence. (The Bhishm of this adaptation is waay too perfect, but I like the way the actor brings the character to fore, so...) She asks him not to be hard on drunk kid, blaming his character flaws on the fact that he lost his dad too young, instead of bad parenting, as it rightfully should be. (BTW, Kunti is a way better mum than Satyavati in this respect then! But even she has Yudhisthir, sorry, Yudigit to deal with.) Bhishm replies that it is his duty to be so, as a teacher. Because if a man has a soft body, he will be hardhearted. Ah, explains Yudigit to an extent. But he ain’t that soft-bodied. And Duryodhan is nowhere near what can be called soft bodied. Ah, well. Satyavati brings forward the traditional Indian parental solution to everything: marriage. Seriously, lady? You didn’t learn anything from how bad marriage messed your life up….? Also, canon fail, I think. I don’t remember it being Satyavati asking Bhishm to get the Princesses for drunk kid. Also, ugh. Kidnapping ain’t a gift in any way. Bhishm being the paragon of virtue he is (I repeat. He is not this perfect in canon), refuses. She orders him as Rajmata, holding him to his oath to the throne. Cut to Kashi, where the suitors for the Swayamvar are entering to amaze music. Oh, this is the music to which Uttaaraa dances to, way in the future. Maybe Arjun dances to it, too. I’ll have to see. Anyway, the first to enter is Shalva, psycho Princess’s choice for a hubby. One or two others follow, before we cut to a scene of the Princesses sampling perfumes. (Man, Ambalika, the youngest of them, looks like the oldest.) There is light chit-chat about psycho Princess choosing Shalva. Ambalika is fretting about her would-be hubby. Her eldest sister tells her that the man who makes her heart flutter will definitely be there, that if you do not have such luck, your life will be filled with sadness. (What the…the worst I can imagine happening to ME is a husband, but hey, modern sensibilities.) But then she cheers up, and says, “But nothing can get in the way of our happiness now.” Guess what happens next? We cut to Bhishm galloping, then back to the Swayamvar. The Princesses amble over and sit on their thrones. Their father welcomes all the suitors. He’s cut mid-sentence by the herald announcing Bhishm. If looks could kill, psycho Princess would defo have killed him. He stalks in and greets the King of Kashi, who squeaks that he’s organized a Swayamvar. Bhishm spouts plenty of claptrap that can’t justify kidnapping anyway. He invites the suitors to challenge him if they so wish. Shalva, who looks rather like a horse, takes up the opportunity. One twang of a bowstring, and he’s a goner, knocked out. Psycho Princess rushes over to him, and for once, when she’s yelling, I’m supporting her. She asks Bhishm what right he had to interfere in a self-choice ceremony. That when they did not want to choose the best warrior, but the man they wanted, who was he to force them? Good question. She goes on further to tell him that she’s chosen Shalva. Bhishm acts horrified. He says that then, this is not a Swayamvar, it is a trick, an affront of honor. (Of course, StarMBH, make Bhishm the hero at the expense of a woman again.) The King of Kashi tells him that he had no idea of what his daughter was thinking. Psycho Princess in huffing. Actually, I think she’s always huffing deeply on screen. It’s disturbing. The other Kings decline their candidature for the swayamvar, telling the King of Kashi that the girls belonged to Hastina now. He agrees. (Ugh. What a shit dad.) But Bhishm doesn’t. (CANON FAIL. It’s actually Vichitraveerya who gives the Princess Amba leave to marry Shalva.) He asks the King of Kashi to declare if his other daughters have also chosen a husband. When they decline, he asks their father to prepare them to leave of Hastina as Hastina’s Queens. He releases Psycho Princess to marry Amba with Hastina’s blessings. The scene switches to Hastina, to the strains of Sumangali, riyam vadhu… being played. (Aw, I love that music. Arjun/Subhadra wedding music in my head. <3 ) Drunk kid is trying and failing to hold a sword straight. The guru asks the maiden to enter. “The maiden has come, Bhishm!” Oh, man. Psycho Princess. Satyavati asks who she is. She says that she’s the eldest daughter of the King of Kashi, the one whose dreams have died under Bhishm’s feet. Bhishm, unruffled, says, “I gave you permission to go to Shalva.” He’s right, actually. Here anyway. Canon fail, remember? Man, they’re really making Bhishm too perfect. This feeling intensifies as Psycho Princess says that Shalva rejected her because Bhishm won her. Bhishm, Mr. Paragon of Perfection, states his sadness at that and swears that he will accompany her to Shalva. Psycho denies that offer. (Man, they really made Amba psycho here, to elevate Bhishm.) She says that in a marriage, the man is the one who asks for a boon. The woman gets authority. She asks for her authority. She commands Bhishm to marry her. Episode ends. Shit. That ain’t gonna happen, obviously. Precap: Bhishm, Mr. Paragon of Perfection, tells Psycho that only Parashuram has the power to defeat him if he is in the wrong. He tells her to seek Parashuram out. She calls “Bhagwan Parashuram?” Cue dramatic Sanskrit Shloka. Parashuram is shown.
