#sexualself

You used to be a happy-go-lucky girl, enjoying yourself, feeling the moment, you aren’t that sensitive, you bond with everyone, and you’re the happiest despite a broken family. You put on “kikay” look and wear whatever you want. I remember you cutting your brows with scissors because they were too thick, go to school, and your classmates were laughing at you and you laughed with them like crazy. Now that I’m a 19-year old teenager, I am carefully understanding my physical and sexual self. Your insecurities are still here. I truly hate our hairy body where I almost have a thick mustache like a monkey. I can’t wear shorts, sando tops, or makeups here at my house because I am afraid of perverts. When someone goes near our house, they smirk, smile, and I just ignore them. I’ve also heard lots of stories around here, and I don’t want to experience that. I only dress in pajamas or clothes with long sleeves or jacket. I make myself more unattractive so that no one will be interested in me. I wear long pants when I go out by myself, but when I’m with my friends and my family on mothers’ side, I can wear trendy clothes because I feel comfortable with them. Everything is different now, I want you to be proud of yourself. Your flaws are still my flaws, but I am learning to appreciate their uniqueness and beauty. I’m beautiful like you, but I don’t want to. As much as I want to live life the way you do, I have to be cautious of my surroundings and take care of myself for I live alone. I want to stay single, but I have a guy crush with similar characteristics to your crush. I am taking steps wisely now.

Thanks to GED101, I am now aware to truly be aware of safe sex. One of the best advice that the professor has given is to avoid STDs, the best way to do it is to stay true to one person. I loved that and I think that is something most of us must follow. However, for those working in THAT industry, I respect them. Having STD tests and prevention of it is another way of getting it done. So yes, safety for the sexual self is very much important. Stay true to one person, or you spend your money in condoms.

A 19-year-old girl who has no definite idea of how boy-girl dating works so decides that maybe, relationships are not her thing. Well that girl is me. Looking at my friends who's had a couple of successful relationships, I became hopeful that one day, I could have what they have. But then, while there are those who are ecstatic on their relationship, there are also those who had miserably failed theirs, and I was not always an optimistic person so these failure stories took a deeper toll on me and I grew afraid of engaging in relationships. As the years go by, I became nonchalant whenever people around me talk about attraction to others or that they are interested in someone. I calmly avoid having those kinds of talks because it doesn't spark my interest. They usually ask me, "Oh, don't you think that blahblah is cute?", "I think bagay kayo ni balhblah", and I usually reply, "Ah, I'm not interested in boys". I may not be interested in dating guys, but I have always had guy friends. These guy friends of mine made me realize that a guy and a girl may be JUST friends for a long time. Some thought that maybe after spending much time with them, I would eventually develop feelings but I proved them wrong. I did not develop anything romantic with any of them because these guys were silly enough and I cannot even imagine being tied in a relationship with any of them. If anything, these guys had me thinking that I was right on being disinterested on guys. They make me feel like I should really not expect much on guys because at the end of the day, boys will be boys, or what I meant was they really tend to be jerks at times. But surprisingly, as much as they disappoint me with their antics, there are also notable times when they unexpectedly make me raise my standards on guys. I think that they continuously show me how I should be treated if ever I decide on entering the dating zone. For that, I am very grateful that I have met these sons of mine who cares for me as much as I care for them. Just as how my guy friends treated me with adequate care, my high school best friend served my pillar of support especially when I was down nursing a heartache and she encouraged me to be strong even though she was down herself. My best friend, who is a lesbian, treats me as well as our other friends a lot better than how the boys in our school treat me which is why she was also an integral part on how I made my standards for the guy that I would date in the future.

I’ll just keep it short and sweet. Through all the drama that happened somehow this happened. We’re not perfect but both of us are working to keep the relationship at bay even though we are not in the same school anymore.

He gave me the two things I wanted on my birthday. Being surprised and stuffed toy bears from MINISO. I was so flattered and shocked because he spent money to give me the bears and he told me before that he didn’t give anyone gifts. So what a surprise? The most special birthday from that time.

An awkward photo for the day I told my feelings for him. I was done with my emotions so I decided to let myself free. A sigh of relief as he just accepted it. As what he told me, “Nothing will change.”

A friend’s birthday where I got drunk intentionally because I was so sad and heartbroken. My heart was breaking as I see them talking, the girl who broke his heart. Before even reaching that place my parents fought which doubled my pain. Through alcohol I was able to numb the pain for a while.