#servingwithoutsinking

I told myself that I wanted to pen down my thoughts and entire decision making process as a reflection so I can refer to it again on hindsight, to either encourage and preach truths to myself or see how much I have grown or change through the years.

Since January 2024, the topic of re-election has been at the back of my mind, because the pastors have brought it up in our conversations.

So 1 month ago, on 18 February 2024, Dev and I had a talk in the middle of the fellowship hall about re-election for deaconship. I had initially prepared a 3 point sermon as part of my processing and so I will be able to articulate my thoughts well. However, before I could even get past the first point, the tears just kept flowing and the other 2 points never really came out in as much depth as the first.

My 3 point sermon was

1. Fear of burn out

Given the rate of ministry and the rhythm of being a deacon plus having a full time job made it hard to rest physically and spiritually. Not having a full-time staff also made being a deacon more demanding. Additionally, work was more demanding, emotionally and in terms of responsibilities. But I was clear that I was not stepping down so I could give more of my time to work, but as a recalibration of the work-ministry rhythm and find a more sustainable balance. There has also been a lingering thought that I may want to see someone with a more professional skill set to talk through these things or someone with lived experiences, because I realised that talking to some friends about it was more draining than helpful.

Side note, ever since my conversation with Dev, I have also limited this conversation to people whom I know can encourage me or help me process things well.

2. Identity

I was worried that the title of a deacon confounded my identity in Christ and in the church. I was also worried that I would not be able to set aside the title of a deacon the longer that I hold this position, and it erodes the purpose and function of this role eventually. So in my mind, the earlier I walk away from it, or if I am able to let it go, the healthier it would be for me.

3. Source of Joy

I was also acutely aware that in 2023, the joy in serving has been decreasing and even dread started to creep in. It could be a culmination of factors, AG25, Covid-19, transitions between school and work. But that was a warning sign to me that things were not right in my heart and perspectives and I needed to sort it out.

And that was how I arrived at an almost 100% no as an answer. I was even questioning the pastors why they would recommend being a deacon instead of other ways of serving and if there are other ways of refining and transforming in godliness?

But in any case, through the tears rolling down my cheeks, there were a couple of things that Dev said that I found helpful

1. Even if I were to step down, I needed to have safeguards to ensure that I am not falling off a cliff

2. He highly encouraged me to continue on, but take a step back with Debbie coming on board

3. He also brought up speaking to others who have gone before me to learn from their experience

I also spoke to Ruth and Vernon separately (and somehow got better at being able to articulate my thoughts without bursting into tears). But it was ultimately reading the book "Serving Without Sinking" that helped bring me back to the basics and reframed my perspectives.

Being the bride and preparing my own wedding dress for the Wedding Feast

“The righteous deeds of the saints—the good things we do in the service of Jesus—are a huge investment of our time, money, sweat and even sometimes tears. And they are meant to be a delight to us. They are our wedding dress. They are our glory. They are Jesus’ gift to us, because He has broken with tradition and not only seen the dress, but made it Himself as beautifully as only the Creator of sunsets and stars can.”

This was quite an awakening of sorts, that the good things we do in service of Jesus are our wedding dresses and in preparation for the Wedding Feast.

"Although we are a royal bride, we are still grubby. We are a long way from living out what it means to be the bride of Christ. So Jesus goes on transforming us; He goes on cleaning us. He marries us as we are, but He loves us too much to leave us that way.”

And each time we choose to do something in service of Jesus, it is an opportunity to learn to serve the Husband as a wife, serving the Husband who loves his undeserving bride.

2. Being part of the family business, and how God enjoys having his children working alongside him in helping in his building project

“We get to be with God as He works. We get to be part of how God works. We get God.”

“We get to work with our heavenly Father. Not because He needs our help (remember Daisy and me), but because He enjoys our company. He gives us the privilege of being part of what He is up to. He helps us and gives us the Holy Spirit and covers over our mistakes. He loves us working with Him because He loves us."

3. Gifts vs Chores

It took me a while to wrestle with this, and it was quite a drastic reframing of how I view the gifts that God has given me.

Not going to deny, there are aspects of being a deaconess that I dread and dislike. There are times where I grumble about how I don’t want to do things but I have to do them because there is no one else to do it or because it is a responsibility or obligation. Basically seeing it as a chore or something that I do begrudgingly.

But I soon came to an appreciation and understanding that being gifted with the specific gifts of administration/planning/leading/other things that I may not be conscious of, is always a gift from God. That it could be a gift that I have yet to unwrap, and that it is a gift to be enjoyed with the rest of the spiritual family and to be used relationally, to help one another and to cause us to rely on one another as part of the body.

“In other words, being able to serve in the ways you do is a good gift from your Father. What we sometimes think of as chores to be done, the Father thinks of as gifts to be unwrapped.”

“God’s gifts do not work by themselves. They rely on the context of the church body. And in needing this unity, they help to create it. They make it obvious to everyone that we need each other. They cut against the individualism of sinful selfishness and make us enjoy being part of Jesus’ body, the church.

Perhaps next time you are using an ability or circumstance that God has given you to serve someone else, it’s worth remembering that the Spirit could have simply given them that time, or money, or upbeat nature, or physical strength, or whatever. He didn’t. He chose to give it to you, so that you could give it to them. That’s a gift to you, as well as to them.”

So even if the gifts can feel terribly hard to use, hard to love having them, or when it is a struggle to enjoy them, God’s gifts are good “because they draw us to Him. He is the greatest treasure we can have, and He will draw us closer and closer to Him.” And he uses the harder ones to do this.

“If the gift feels bad, we need to unwrap it more and see that it is given to draw us to Jesus. If we were only given gifts which enabled us to serve in ways we naturally found easy or fun, we wouldn’t learn to depend on Jesus, to lean on Jesus, to ask Him for help. We need gifts and service that lead us to draw closer to Jesus. That’s what a naturally unwanted gift can do, as long as we don’t look at it and think that God must be cold “hearted to give us what we didn’t ask for.

Hard gifts are good gifts because they draw us to Christ. And hard gifts are good gifts because they make us more like Christ.”

“The gift is good not because of what it is, but because of who gives it and what He gives it for. ”

And this work will last eternally if it goes into his temple building project.

And that was how in 1 month, I made a complete U-turn on my decision and found myself committing to another 3 years at least to being part of this family business of God's building project and preparing my own wedding dress. The rationale part of me asked for greater clarity in roles when I told the pastors my decision, while I was mentally bracing myself for the pains, sweat, tears and toil of ministry.