#secondwork

I told myself that I wanted to pen down my thoughts and entire decision making process as a reflection so I can refer to it again on hindsight, to either encourage and preach truths to myself or see how much I have grown or change through the years.

Since January 2024, the topic of re-election has been at the back of my mind, because the pastors have brought it up in our conversations.

So 1 month ago, on 18 February 2024, Dev and I had a talk in the middle of the fellowship hall about re-election for deaconship. I had initially prepared a 3 point sermon as part of my processing and so I will be able to articulate my thoughts well. However, before I could even get past the first point, the tears just kept flowing and the other 2 points never really came out in as much depth as the first.

My 3 point sermon was

1. Fear of burn out

Given the rate of ministry and the rhythm of being a deacon plus having a full time job made it hard to rest physically and spiritually. Not having a full-time staff also made being a deacon more demanding. Additionally, work was more demanding, emotionally and in terms of responsibilities. But I was clear that I was not stepping down so I could give more of my time to work, but as a recalibration of the work-ministry rhythm and find a more sustainable balance. There has also been a lingering thought that I may want to see someone with a more professional skill set to talk through these things or someone with lived experiences, because I realised that talking to some friends about it was more draining than helpful.

Side note, ever since my conversation with Dev, I have also limited this conversation to people whom I know can encourage me or help me process things well.

2. Identity

I was worried that the title of a deacon confounded my identity in Christ and in the church. I was also worried that I would not be able to set aside the title of a deacon the longer that I hold this position, and it erodes the purpose and function of this role eventually. So in my mind, the earlier I walk away from it, or if I am able to let it go, the healthier it would be for me.

3. Source of Joy

I was also acutely aware that in 2023, the joy in serving has been decreasing and even dread started to creep in. It could be a culmination of factors, AG25, Covid-19, transitions between school and work. But that was a warning sign to me that things were not right in my heart and perspectives and I needed to sort it out.

And that was how I arrived at an almost 100% no as an answer. I was even questioning the pastors why they would recommend being a deacon instead of other ways of serving and if there are other ways of refining and transforming in godliness?

But in any case, through the tears rolling down my cheeks, there were a couple of things that Dev said that I found helpful

1. Even if I were to step down, I needed to have safeguards to ensure that I am not falling off a cliff

2. He highly encouraged me to continue on, but take a step back with Debbie coming on board

3. He also brought up speaking to others who have gone before me to learn from their experience

I also spoke to Ruth and Vernon separately (and somehow got better at being able to articulate my thoughts without bursting into tears). But it was ultimately reading the book "Serving Without Sinking" that helped bring me back to the basics and reframed my perspectives.

Being the bride and preparing my own wedding dress for the Wedding Feast

“The righteous deeds of the saints—the good things we do in the service of Jesus—are a huge investment of our time, money, sweat and even sometimes tears. And they are meant to be a delight to us. They are our wedding dress. They are our glory. They are Jesus’ gift to us, because He has broken with tradition and not only seen the dress, but made it Himself as beautifully as only the Creator of sunsets and stars can.”

This was quite an awakening of sorts, that the good things we do in service of Jesus are our wedding dresses and in preparation for the Wedding Feast.

"Although we are a royal bride, we are still grubby. We are a long way from living out what it means to be the bride of Christ. So Jesus goes on transforming us; He goes on cleaning us. He marries us as we are, but He loves us too much to leave us that way.”

And each time we choose to do something in service of Jesus, it is an opportunity to learn to serve the Husband as a wife, serving the Husband who loves his undeserving bride.

2. Being part of the family business, and how God enjoys having his children working alongside him in helping in his building project

“We get to be with God as He works. We get to be part of how God works. We get God.”

“We get to work with our heavenly Father. Not because He needs our help (remember Daisy and me), but because He enjoys our company. He gives us the privilege of being part of what He is up to. He helps us and gives us the Holy Spirit and covers over our mistakes. He loves us working with Him because He loves us."

3. Gifts vs Chores

It took me a while to wrestle with this, and it was quite a drastic reframing of how I view the gifts that God has given me.

Not going to deny, there are aspects of being a deaconess that I dread and dislike. There are times where I grumble about how I don’t want to do things but I have to do them because there is no one else to do it or because it is a responsibility or obligation. Basically seeing it as a chore or something that I do begrudgingly.

But I soon came to an appreciation and understanding that being gifted with the specific gifts of administration/planning/leading/other things that I may not be conscious of, is always a gift from God. That it could be a gift that I have yet to unwrap, and that it is a gift to be enjoyed with the rest of the spiritual family and to be used relationally, to help one another and to cause us to rely on one another as part of the body.

“In other words, being able to serve in the ways you do is a good gift from your Father. What we sometimes think of as chores to be done, the Father thinks of as gifts to be unwrapped.”

“God’s gifts do not work by themselves. They rely on the context of the church body. And in needing this unity, they help to create it. They make it obvious to everyone that we need each other. They cut against the individualism of sinful selfishness and make us enjoy being part of Jesus’ body, the church.

Perhaps next time you are using an ability or circumstance that God has given you to serve someone else, it’s worth remembering that the Spirit could have simply given them that time, or money, or upbeat nature, or physical strength, or whatever. He didn’t. He chose to give it to you, so that you could give it to them. That’s a gift to you, as well as to them.”

So even if the gifts can feel terribly hard to use, hard to love having them, or when it is a struggle to enjoy them, God’s gifts are good “because they draw us to Him. He is the greatest treasure we can have, and He will draw us closer and closer to Him.” And he uses the harder ones to do this.

“If the gift feels bad, we need to unwrap it more and see that it is given to draw us to Jesus. If we were only given gifts which enabled us to serve in ways we naturally found easy or fun, we wouldn’t learn to depend on Jesus, to lean on Jesus, to ask Him for help. We need gifts and service that lead us to draw closer to Jesus. That’s what a naturally unwanted gift can do, as long as we don’t look at it and think that God must be cold “hearted to give us what we didn’t ask for.

Hard gifts are good gifts because they draw us to Christ. And hard gifts are good gifts because they make us more like Christ.”

“The gift is good not because of what it is, but because of who gives it and what He gives it for. ”

And this work will last eternally if it goes into his temple building project.

And that was how in 1 month, I made a complete U-turn on my decision and found myself committing to another 3 years at least to being part of this family business of God's building project and preparing my own wedding dress. The rationale part of me asked for greater clarity in roles when I told the pastors my decision, while I was mentally bracing myself for the pains, sweat, tears and toil of ministry.

I started reading this book again today, 5 February 2024, as I begin to more seriously ponder about the upcoming re-election.

I have been asked to consider re-election and at least stay one more year in CM to keep things stable until the new apprentice is more settled in and have a decent understanding of the workings of the ministry.

Not gonna lie, that was a relief and comfort in hearing that. Relief that it is recognised that I should not be tied to a particular ministry just because I can keep it going and have specific and relevant skillsets. Comfort came from knowing that I am still needed and useful in this Kingdom work still, even though there is someone else coming in. There was also a tinge of fear and uncertainty, because while I requested to tap out eventually because I do not want to be identified solely as the CM person, I have to figure out what else to devote my attention and time to now. What an irony.

I also decided to chronicle the back-and-forth process, swaying and wavering when I lean towards 1 choice, and basically being torn and confused through it all. Hopefully it helps me articulate the reasons for my decisions well as I gain clarity hopefully.

Re-reading this book has been quite helpful in unpacking some of the unhelpful and un-Godly mindsets that might have perhaps creeped in my zeal to keep going for the Gospel work to build God's church.

It is not the first time that someone has brought up the possibility of burnout to me, that I might be working to the point where my body can't take it anymore (and hence all the sick days) and constant mental & physical exhaustion that I feel.

Alison's story from the book struck me quite a bit, that it is hard to get someone to slow down when they are passionate about their ministry, and how easy it can be to allow our passion for ministry to overtake other issues, and making it easier to make unwise choices. Especially when there is no one at home to see the late nights and toll they were taking.

To be honest, that is quite scary and the fact that burnout or depression can hit someone, was a rude awakening because that could be me. Or even, that it might be me now. Especially since quite a number of my social meet ups have to be planned 1-2 months ahead, and how my schedule looks like when I was thinking about whether I should join AG50's core.

“When you and I surrendered to Jesus as Lord, we did not offer him the services of a divine, or even semi-divine creature to strengthen his kingdom; we offer him the fragile, temporary, mortal, frail life that he has first given to us. That is all we have to offer. God knows that.

For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust. Psalm 103 v 14

God is under no illusions about who he is getting on his team.

“There’s always more we can do in ministry, but God is not asking “Can you do more?”. He is asking “Do you love me?” Some of those extras are not always as vital as we think them to be.”

1.       What has the last year of ministry been like for you? - What kept you going/gave you joy? - What disappointed/drained you? - What have you discovered or learnt about what it means to be a Servant of God? 2.       What stands out for you when you think about the past year for Zion Bishan? - Preoccupations - Key events, significant milestones reached - Challenges and concerns - Highlights, areas of growth 3.      What has Covid taught us about church/ministry/service? - What strengths/good things has it exposed? - What flaws/deficiencies/vulnerabilities has it revealed in ZB? 4.       Looking ahead, what do you sense to be the needs at Zion Bishan?  What do we, as leaders, need to be paying attention to?

Just wanted to remember how I felt today when I heard about D asking for all the apprentices and CM team to be have weekly sessions to be thinking more clearly about CM. So encouraging that this came from him and so heartening that it is an opportunity for R and I to be sharing our vision with others. 

Feels like this is a little win, from all of our sharing of vision and work at our various meetings and chat groups, and above all, seeing the Spirit working through all these little but also intentional things that we do.

Is this a joy from the work of ministry?

hey V! thanks for asking :)

hmmm tbh, i dont think it will be a decision that I will be making in the coming year for a few reasons. one reason being that there was a round of promotion recently and im currently the only one overseeing one of our main intervention programmes. ideally, i will hope to have a successor if I do plan to leave this job. the current people in my team are very new to the programme and i am still training all of them. my boss also committed me to some leadership training programme next year, which might be quite intensive. i do think that being in this new position will give me more contact time with colleagues who are struggling in their own relationship with God, or just having more gospel-centred conversations to encourage each other at work, which can be very few despite us being a christian organisation. but at the same time, i know that when i am overwhelmed with work, ministry and life in general, i tend to be more task focused than people focused. so not sure how i will adapt into this role next year

the other reason will be whether I still have CM as my portfolio for BOD and also whether i will continue in BOD come ACM in 2021. I do see the value of being in this position because it allows for some mindset change at the leadership level, and especially since some of the dn-s will eventually be the ruling Eld. (thinking abit longer term here). idk how it will play out when I get a new portfolio- like maybe i have no interest in that portfolio or i will get tired with the other things/expectations that come with being a dns, so that is also something that I eventually have to decide on, and also to know for myself if it is something that will complement going full time, or it is one or the other.

Think there are quite a number of uncertainties, and one of the crucial things I have to decide by jan 2020 is whether I am going to apply for my masters. My boss had given the go ahead this year and the plan was to apply for the aug 2020 intake, and likely to be bonded to the company. So i got to decide on this soon and if i am not applying or applying without being bonded, what explanation I am going to give my boss. I have not really prayed about this, mainly because idk if I want to hear what God has to say about it, and am still thinking if this will take away even more time and attention from the other things on my plate now.

What has been helpful is you and R asking me about it hahaha so that I have to think about it and verbalise it out. it helps me in being clearer of my own thoughts 😅

Each of us has received grace-gifts from God. And “as each has received a gift,” we are to “use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace” (1 Peter 4:10). We are given these gifts for the “progress and joy” of one another’s faith (Philippians 1:25).

Pride-Infected Gift Stewards

But we are all by sin nature selfaholics, born with an addiction to the intoxication of thinking more highly of ourselves than we ought to think (Romans 12:3) and others thinking more highly of us than they ought to think.

And because remaining sin still dwells in us born-again saints, we find this old addictive pride still infects our view of ourselves and others when it comes to the grace-gifts we receive from God. Rather than seeing our gifts as things we don’t at all deserve and seeing others’ gifts as merciful means of grace to us, we frequently battle sinful discontentment. We often feel that we are not as gifted as we would like to be, or that our gifts don’t receive enough recognition, or that we would prefer another set of gifts altogether, impressive gifts like So-and-So has.

How Our Gifts Bless Others and Sanctify Us

Now, this exposure of pride in us is actually part of God’s design in the distribution of gifts among his children. As God doles out these unearned gifts among us in unequal measures, it has the gracious effect of drawing pride out into the light from the murky darkness of our deceptive hearts. Every time we compare ourselves to others and either exult in feeling superior or resent in feeling inferior to them, God is inviting us to glorify him by repenting of our pride and humbling ourselves under his mighty, wise hand and trusting him to exalt us in the time and way it seems best to him (1 Peter 5:6).

“Our lives are not about pursuing our dreams.”

That makes this a glorious design! It is sheer genius. It is a two-way channel of blessing if we will embrace it. God gifts all of us in such a way that our gifts channel blessings to others by meeting various needs, and they channel the blessing of humility to us by exposing our pride and pushing us to receive God’s grace to live by God-pleasing faith (Hebrews 11:6). When this happens it produces gratitude in everyone. It’s perfect! Our gifts work to bless others and sanctify us. It’s exactly what recovering selfaholics need.

Our Gifts Are for Others’ Benefit

Back to Peter’s words: “each has received a gift” (1 Peter 4:10). This needs to land on us with appropriate weight. God wants us to know that our gifts are not an accident of genetics and experience. He knew what he was doing when he made each of us and he has intentionally given us the gifts we have in the measure we have them.

Therefore, we are stewards of the gifts God has entrusted to us. And he has entrusted them to us primarily for the benefit of others (1 Peter 4:10; Romans 12:4–6). Our gifts are not intended to be platforms where we try to gain our sense of significance from the esteem of men. Our real significance comes from God choosing us in Christ, gifting us, and deploying us in his kingdom for his purposes. There is more significance there than we can fully comprehend and appreciate. The praise of men is usually vicarious fluff.

Live Your Assignment

You are on assignment from God. This is why Paul says, “Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him” (1 Corinthians 7:17). “You are not your own” (1 Corinthians 6:19). You are “a bondservant of Christ” (1 Corinthians 7:22) and a steward of the gifts you have received. Others need your gifts. That’s why you have them.

“There is no higher calling for you than to be who God called you to be.”

Our lives are not about pursuing our dreams. Many of our dreams are self-exalting pride fantasies and gratuitously selfish when we really examine them. And the truth is, we rarely know what’s best for us and what will really make us happy. But our Designer knows. He knows exactly what we’re made for and how we can live the life we’ve been given to the fullest and most fruitful. If we follow him by faith, he will lead us in the most ultimately fulfilling paths — even when those paths lead through suffering and death.

So, live your assignment. Steward your gifts to the utmost for the sake of others. Aspire to be the very best and most fruitful you that you can be for God’s glory. Don’t dishonor God by devaluing the gifts he’s given you. Don’t waste valuable time grumbling about gifts you don’t have or resenting others for the gifts they do have, or even for the sinful pride they might exhibit. They’re stumbling, recovering selfaholics just like you and God knows how to graciously oppose them (1 Peter 5:5). Pray for them.

“So, brothers, in whatever condition each was called, there let him remain with God” (1 Corinthians 7:24). There is no higher calling for you than to be you, and God will reward you beyond your wildest dreams if you faithfully steward your gifts for others.

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Just wanted to post this article up.

It spoke to me 2 years ago during one of my most challenging periods at work and it gave me a renewed energy to persevere in the work I do because God is at work through me. I remember struggling with a particular line my boss wanted me to add in my appraisal then and I took 1 week to think about it. She wanted me to add that I wanted to see more cases, and at that point in time, I was really struggling with the workload I had then. But it was after reading this article and 1 Peter 4:10-11 that it was really a moment of epiphany and peace, and I found purpose and obedience to add in that very line. And God has been good and faithful the past 2 years. So many difficult cases but by God’s grace, I am still surviving and there is so much more to be done.

He is sooo good that today, just as I was busy with the programmes for Good Friday, I came across this article again. There is really a lot to complain about, and it is just so easy to succumb and complain. Reading this article this time reminded me that there is a reason why He gave me this “work” and I should not devalue this position and the gifts He has given me. Just as Christ died on the cross so that we can be forgiven, I also need to die to my sinful discontented self and remind myself that the gifts I have and especially this position is God-given. To be frank, it is almost 1 year in, and many times, I honestly don’t see this “work” as God-given. At times, I don’t even understand why it was given to me and that makes it very easy to always second guess myself or compare to others. This can even be a deadweight at times and it makes my nights really long. It definitely is a struggle when I see everyone else being able to mingle after service when I still have things to see to, or when they have their weeknights free while I trudge along to meetings or admin stuff to see to. But I guess it is an ongoing journey of discovery God’s intentions behind this and to accept this as God-given.