#server stories

Let me say, if you know me, I am not an inarticulate man. I have a large vocabulary. I know how to express myself, and can be quite eloquent when the need arises. And then let me also say, I lack the words to express to you exactly how much this guy fucking

SUCKS

as a person.

This is a man with four warning flags on his profile in our reservation system. For those of you in the industry, I want you to think about the most picky, demanding, rude, entitled customer you have ever needed to wait on in your career. This guy is worse. This is someone who thinks that it's his name on the front door, any restaurant he goes to.

From the moment he stepped in, the shit started. He gets extremely belligerent with the host staff. He is rude to the management. He demands that only one bartender on staff make his drink, because nobody else makes it right. The drink in question? A martini glass full of cold vodka, with an orange slice. That's it. But only one person does it correctly.

And he thinks he's an absolute riot. He thinks that he's the funniest person that you've ever met, and that everyone wants to be his friend. If he can see you and hear you, he takes that as explicit permission from you that he can join your conversation. He gets up from his table during the meal and just wanders around the restaurant, visiting with other tables, most of whom do not know him.

Like last night, I had two tables left toward the end of the night: LM and his party (his wife, his sister, and his brother-in-law, who I posit are about the only people who can stand to talk to him for more than fifteen seconds at a time), and a table of six nearby. So I'm bringing dessert to my table of six, and LM starts waving to get my attention, and saying, "Excuse me! I need you!" And I had to just be like, "I am helping this table right here, and I will be right with you." But no, he needed me now. Because, you see, he didn't care that I was quite visibly and actively helping another table; he wanted attention, so obviously that took priority. What did he need? He wanted to know what was available for dessert.

So I am bringing the other table their dessert, because it was someone's birthday. LM sees the candle, and he stands up and walks over, and starts loudly singing "Happy Birthday" to this table of complete strangers. He looks at the table afterward, sees that there are six people at a table which is set for seven, and he simply invites himself to sit down in the empty chair at the table and start having out with them. There is one man and five women at the table, and he starts going on about how lucky the one guy is, because it's just him and five women. He then proceeds to call the one guy (who is Hispanic) "Cinco de Mayo". Eventually, we manage to get LM out the door, and I have to apologize to my other table; he does this to everyone, you see.

LM absolutely loves me, though. I'm his favorite person to have wait on him. Now, he doesn't show this in his behavior, or in how much he tips. But I don't mind all that much that I'm his favorite. Because, so long as I follow it with a laugh, I can look him dead in the eyes and tell him how much I hate him, and he thinks that I'm joking. As an example:

LM: How long have I known you? Me: About ten years. And every one of those years has felt like an absolute eternity. LM: Oh, you. You're such a kidder.

and he goes, “aw man, really? well i know you like anime”

AND WHEN I TELL YOU MY HEART DROPPED RIGHT INTO MY STOMACH AND DISSOLVED IN ACID

i don’t know how he knows this about me. i have no idea. do i just seem like a person who likes anime? this is my worst nightmare. he saw right through me. i might have to quit

I’ve been thinking about starting a tumblr page, or tumblr series if you will. Today, a conversation with a guest has prompted me to do so.

To start, this gentleman has come in multiple times, usually drunk, but a regular none the less. Today he is rambling about, “my tip” as he called it. Telling me that if I ever get into trouble and people ask me if I have ever done heroin, cocaine, meth, etc. to just say no. I immediately say, I say no if offered any of those and I don’t plan to get into any type of trouble to where I’ll be asked what drugs I’ve done in the past. He says, “anytime in life if I’m asked to just say no.” I change the subject and we’re casually talking. I was telling him about a Beyonce concert my boyfriend and I are going to tomorrow.

We talk a bit longer but eventually I get the food he ordered to-go and try to send him on his way. He looks at me and says, “Daniel, one more tip I have for you. Moving forward with your life and whatever you plan to do with your partner or whatever, you shouldn’t just tell people, especially when asked, if you’re bisexual or homosexual just say no.”

Appalled by what I was hearing I say, “I’ll always own it, it’s not something I’m ashamed for and definitely not something I should be discriminated for.” His face immediately changed and he says, “It’s not something to be ashamed for but you should stick to the straight line.”

“Sir, never in life have I been straight or wanted to stick to this ‘straight line.’”

“You can try to fight it all you want-“

“I’ll continue to do so and fight it.”

I mean, on the one hand, I have to admire the sheer brass balls to ask something like that. On the other hand, where the fuck have you ever been where they let you sub out the sides on an entree with another entree? Do you go to a place that has burgers and say, "Yeah, I see that it comes with fries, but instead of the fries, can I get an order of chicken strips?"