#seraphstunes

apr. 1 happy april fool's day x_x

march wanted to see me rot and enter spring as nutrients for the newly emerging flora. at times i wish i took the offer. i feel like i keep ruining shit. the month droned on and on and on, and i realized some things. times are changing and so am i. it's better that my expansive friend group has narrowed down to three people—not everyone around me want to see me change. to be honest, i don't know if i'm changing in ways i like, either.

theres a lingering guilt that sits beside me on the bus. i walk home with it, watch it watch me from my window. no conflict started this month had a resolution. my friend updates me on people i've lost. i feel like a unwilling voyeur. i know why she does it, but it feels like the hour after i scrutinize my face: flakey, bleeding scabs that are painful to look at, worse to touch. it's my fault she does it. had i not fell out with those people she wouldn't want to tell me about their seemingly loser-esque lives. but it doesn't bring me peace. instead, i feel confused and even hypocritical. it's not like i feel too good at the moment, either. i'll never pretend to be holier than thou when it comes to drama. i hate speaking in those terms. i don't throw stones and hide my hand. in fact, i will tell you when i'm throwing the stone and how hard. i'm pro confrontation because i'm pro let's get this shit over with. but that's not happening at the moment. i think it's time that i stop this entire mess from sprawling further than what it already has. other people that i care about, that had nothing to do with the initial conflict, are negatively impacted by it, and for that i feel responsible. this morning i sit across from someone i know i need to stop being friends with and smile and wave. i'm acting like one of the things i hate the most: a coward. a wise victoria walker once said, "it hurts now to smile, it hurts more to breathe. it makes me so angry, all i do is grit my teeth."

i found my dad's facebook, and i am like him, i guess. there's something to be said about how i look most like him when i'm smiling hard. i'm in an odd spot in my transition where i pass online and nowhere else. i hope that in auckland i can medically transition without many social or emotional hiccups. i'm giving up a lot by going. honestly, i'm giving up everything that i wanted to keep and the remainder is what i've been trying to get away from for so long. five months before i'm eighteen when i'll be starting uni, and after, i'll be on my own. in those five months, i'll be in this weird limbo still with my mom. i don't think it's fair that i still have to play pretend while everything in my life moves on, just to appease my mom. its fucked that i have to, since my conditional offer requires that she be there until i'm an adult. i mean it when i say all i do is take shit on the chin. it's just annoying to deal with at this point. when people tell you who they are, believe them. this goes both ways.

i quit my job saturday. i feel good about this even though i'll miss my coworkers and the environment. i need money for the summer. my birthday is in july, and i plan to make the most of this extended vacation before college. i don't want to grow up, in all honesty. i say that, ignoring that i already have. i take on an extended amount of responsibilities for someone my age. i'm probably well off for it, but damn does it suck to be so disillusioned so young. so, my summer break will be real nostalgic. movie marathons with my grandma, super soakers, crackly nail polish. i owe it to myself to enjoy it without guilt. i expect to have several sd cards full of my memories captured in my digicam.

getting better at capturing likeness. i accidentally happened upon creating a self portrait. i look good as a man and it shows. i do keep up with my appearance to an obsessive extent at times, which leads to all the gross acne scars and scabs i have on my skin. if only i were a creature of habit instead of mania—i could just do my skincare routine instead of picking at my face until it bleeds. all for the sake of aurafarming. sunday night i went buck wild trying to capture my image in video. i think the reason i had such a hard time was because i didn't have vine or musically as a kid, and didn't post myself during the short time that i had tiktok two years ago. i can't say i'm unnatural in front of cameras, because i will take many pictures of myself pretty frequently. i'm being reminded of when i was punished by my dad for having a lot of selfies and being called conceited for it. i know i'm vain, but i still find that hilarious. it was not funny at the time, though.

i'm still over dating and relationships but i will always be an attention whore. the huzz luv tanz but not enough to really care that much. most people are just imagining who they want me to be so i'm disengaged from the start. roster so dry i'm disgusted by everyone on it (1.5 persons). thankful that i'm over that one guy from last october. it's true, you really do just realize you've moved on while getting ready for work one day several months removed.

mar. 20

got a thing for long-form logs on a 10 day cycle, i think. it's decent enough pacing, in my opinion. all the stuff that i was anticipating in my last full entry, did happen! also including the horrors. it's been a very emotionally taxing month. every other day i've been given more reasons to not miss much about my current circumstances.

i got to watch mickey 17 in theaters. definitely a great watch, especially for $6 and an empty theater. i loved this movie so much. i think it shows that film is an art form before it's a business. most importantly, the movie is great because it's not saying anything. not to say it's completely apolitical (especially w the elon musk + trump mashup that was marshall) but it's certainly not the point of the film. i love that it really hones in on building the world that the characters are in and lets the audience ponder on how it reflects our world. loved the casting and character dynamics. mickey being a silly boyfailure loser with a dorky voice an absolutely whipped for his girlfriend truly made my day. i'm not sure if the movie itself was funny or if mine and @/miotxro 's commentary in the was making it funny but i definitely enjoyed myself. it's nice to see the main love interest be black and canonically dating the lead, survive, and also stand up as a character without just being a lover to the lead. there were so many intimate moments that had nothing to do with the sex (still gas, first unnecessary sex scene that i'm not mad at. #puriteen) that just had me awwing and me and whoing. mickey and nasha are truly the only straight people to exist. a silly scifi with satire that understands its audience. i would say this movie is camp but it's not bad at all. would recommend!

i think i'm into letting shit go now. i don't recall if i've ever discussed my romantic life here but it's generally boring, especially right now. who would've thought an "underground musician" would be pretentious about what other people listen to? that's one of my biggest icks. i hate when people treat rap especially as a lower art form (or not acknowledge it as one at all). people like that bore me. they don't have the range to appreciate music for what it is. ironically, it came from a conversation about music by playboi carti. i did enjoy the album, but i found it bloated and the lack of bridges and third (sometimes second) verses take a lot away from the project. i expected something with a better developed sound and general vision given the wait. wlr > music. i gave it a solid 5/10. my favorites were pop out, opm babi, and fine shit.

my english class is such a fucking drag. i really love writing (obviously) and i'd become a journalist if it didn't mean i'd be risking getting shot on a regular basis. the texts aren't engaging (nor tied to topics relevant to the text or english at all??? lots of aimless lessons) and we're expected to write analyses and essays with this weird format. i think writing an essay following a template is ridiculous to begin with, but especially when said template oversimplifies writing to be absolutely redundant. in an honors class taught by a college prep teacher i should not have to write like my intended audience is five years old.

my chiodos hoodie did in fact arrive. worth the $73. totally cannot wear it in school, especially since i already get stopped by security guards so often, but i'll get some good wear out of it at home and at work. although, i generally go topless at home #boychest. every time i think about top surgery i get all giddy and blushy and excited like i'm crushing on someone. maybe it's self-infatuation. either way, i don't care. i deserve to glaze myself. speaking of work, though, it's time for me to leave. i've got an interview at the racetrack next week after midterms. working in the mall has been interesting, though. a couple of people came rollerblading through my store during my last shift. it's stuff like that that makes me want to stay, but my pay is absolutely abysmal. having a hellish weekend and then just having a $100 check has to be illegal in some way. they do owe me money though, i just have to figure out how to get it. i also met the new manager last weekend. he's just some guy, don't really have an opinion on him. ready to leave, still.