#seraphblogs

apr. 1 happy april fool's day x_x

march wanted to see me rot and enter spring as nutrients for the newly emerging flora. at times i wish i took the offer. i feel like i keep ruining shit. the month droned on and on and on, and i realized some things. times are changing and so am i. it's better that my expansive friend group has narrowed down to three people—not everyone around me want to see me change. to be honest, i don't know if i'm changing in ways i like, either.

theres a lingering guilt that sits beside me on the bus. i walk home with it, watch it watch me from my window. no conflict started this month had a resolution. my friend updates me on people i've lost. i feel like a unwilling voyeur. i know why she does it, but it feels like the hour after i scrutinize my face: flakey, bleeding scabs that are painful to look at, worse to touch. it's my fault she does it. had i not fell out with those people she wouldn't want to tell me about their seemingly loser-esque lives. but it doesn't bring me peace. instead, i feel confused and even hypocritical. it's not like i feel too good at the moment, either. i'll never pretend to be holier than thou when it comes to drama. i hate speaking in those terms. i don't throw stones and hide my hand. in fact, i will tell you when i'm throwing the stone and how hard. i'm pro confrontation because i'm pro let's get this shit over with. but that's not happening at the moment. i think it's time that i stop this entire mess from sprawling further than what it already has. other people that i care about, that had nothing to do with the initial conflict, are negatively impacted by it, and for that i feel responsible. this morning i sit across from someone i know i need to stop being friends with and smile and wave. i'm acting like one of the things i hate the most: a coward. a wise victoria walker once said, "it hurts now to smile, it hurts more to breathe. it makes me so angry, all i do is grit my teeth."

i found my dad's facebook, and i am like him, i guess. there's something to be said about how i look most like him when i'm smiling hard. i'm in an odd spot in my transition where i pass online and nowhere else. i hope that in auckland i can medically transition without many social or emotional hiccups. i'm giving up a lot by going. honestly, i'm giving up everything that i wanted to keep and the remainder is what i've been trying to get away from for so long. five months before i'm eighteen when i'll be starting uni, and after, i'll be on my own. in those five months, i'll be in this weird limbo still with my mom. i don't think it's fair that i still have to play pretend while everything in my life moves on, just to appease my mom. its fucked that i have to, since my conditional offer requires that she be there until i'm an adult. i mean it when i say all i do is take shit on the chin. it's just annoying to deal with at this point. when people tell you who they are, believe them. this goes both ways.

i quit my job saturday. i feel good about this even though i'll miss my coworkers and the environment. i need money for the summer. my birthday is in july, and i plan to make the most of this extended vacation before college. i don't want to grow up, in all honesty. i say that, ignoring that i already have. i take on an extended amount of responsibilities for someone my age. i'm probably well off for it, but damn does it suck to be so disillusioned so young. so, my summer break will be real nostalgic. movie marathons with my grandma, super soakers, crackly nail polish. i owe it to myself to enjoy it without guilt. i expect to have several sd cards full of my memories captured in my digicam.

getting better at capturing likeness. i accidentally happened upon creating a self portrait. i look good as a man and it shows. i do keep up with my appearance to an obsessive extent at times, which leads to all the gross acne scars and scabs i have on my skin. if only i were a creature of habit instead of mania—i could just do my skincare routine instead of picking at my face until it bleeds. all for the sake of aurafarming. sunday night i went buck wild trying to capture my image in video. i think the reason i had such a hard time was because i didn't have vine or musically as a kid, and didn't post myself during the short time that i had tiktok two years ago. i can't say i'm unnatural in front of cameras, because i will take many pictures of myself pretty frequently. i'm being reminded of when i was punished by my dad for having a lot of selfies and being called conceited for it. i know i'm vain, but i still find that hilarious. it was not funny at the time, though.

i'm still over dating and relationships but i will always be an attention whore. the huzz luv tanz but not enough to really care that much. most people are just imagining who they want me to be so i'm disengaged from the start. roster so dry i'm disgusted by everyone on it (1.5 persons). thankful that i'm over that one guy from last october. it's true, you really do just realize you've moved on while getting ready for work one day several months removed.

mar. 10

it's monday, so there's that. made it to another week! i have a lot to process. i haven't caught up with myself in that sense. the latter half of february got so weird, so fast. i've been embracing being a newgen, though, which is great. i love listening to emo songs everyone knows and realizing yeah these guys were onto something! i got to listen to tastemaker by bby goyard, which was decent. definitely a different direction than what i was expecting from him, but i can appreciate the attempt to try. i'll do a seraphtunes write up about it.

i've started drawing again. i've been doing graphic design since forever. it's one of my favorite hobbies. i realized, when applying to colleges back in september and october, that my portfolio is pretty lackluster. colleges expect diverse portfolios: sketches, studies, forms. i had, like, two complete pieces and hella graphics. i was worried that since a lot of my design works were for the same thing, that it would fall flat. but it didn't, and i got into my top school. it sucks that i couldn't really celebrate, because i know i can't accept the offer. it just isn't ideal to stay in america right now. i'm a superminority, i fear. they gon' get me... but of course, it's not like i can't come back. if things are fine a few years down the line, i can reapply. that school has a doctorate in design, and i'd like to teach the major eventually, so having a phd would be sick.

i just lost a close friend. irl moots i know you're SICK of me talking about this. get well soon i'm still grieving and therefore will still be talking about it. there's a seraphblogs post from the beginning of february that almost makes me think i'm naive. but i know now that i truly have every reason to be enraged. i lost a friend because their partner is an obsessive coward that can't get over the fact that i didn't want them. i'm realizing the true extent of how far people will go to hurt others. there is an evil in their partner that cannot be fixed. i do not ever want to know what it takes to be that dark hearted. i chose the high road last night, deciding against embarrassing them on every public platform i have. i hate being angry because i feel like it relinquishes my control.

my daily affirmation is: get over yourself. i have to remind myself of this throughout the day and into the night. i spent my latest check on clothes. most anticipating the i'llstopstabbingwhenyoustopscreaming chiodos zip up. i'm cool and pseudo-intellectual with all my weird outfits and accessories but i genuinely be going insane internally. my outfits are high effort but i rarely feel like putting in that effort. i do it for myself, but i'm just burnt out by everything. i just can't be bothered 6 days out of the week. truly the consequences of taking shit on the chin. i'm good at it because it's all i do but one day i'm gonna stop being the bigger person and i fear literally everyone will hate me. i'm really into curating my appearance and vibe on the internet. i'm starting to pass really well, seems like. guess it really is a mindset thing. i also basically got integrated into the black scene scene (lol) that exists on instagram. i don't know why i keep ending up in scene spaces i don't go here guys. love those freaks though.

i'm looking for another job. i love my coworkers, at least the ones that remain after everyone started to leave. finding out that one of my coworkers is nonbinary was so funny. i should've known—cis people don't listen to ecco2k AND sniper2004. they know the evilgiane lore. i found out from them that the reason our store manager left is because he highkey wasn't doing his job. apparently all of us are missing money bcs he wasn't putting in our hrs, and we also failed two inventories (technically not his fault people just steal like crazy). i liked my store manager a lot, but fucking with my money is cray. however, him leaving the store was basically a self sacrifice. if he hadn't, especially since the district manager is coming in the summer, district can come in at any time and fire all of us. it gets wild.

on ciabatta

pesto garlic butter (garlic, pesto, parm—combine w butter)

fry the fuck out that bread twin medium high heat. looking to see some brown parm

mozzarella, cover your pan

mozzo melty? FLIP IT OVER AND FRY (technically optional but i luh the lil crunch)

(optional: add a slice of turkey but that technically removes the grilled cheese aspect)

combine bread 1 with bread 2. grilled cheese da seraphblazed (haha 🍃) way

my first real blog here! neat :3

as of right now, this account is sterile and lacking all of the fun context needed for silly future shitposts. fixing that by explaining my week.

sunday was my most recent work shift. it's slow szn and i barely get hours. it's not really okay because wages are low too, but at the very least, i like my coworkers. most of them. i work today in about 4.5 hrs, but it would've been abt 2 if i hadn't swapped w/ someone. i only did it because i feel the need to prove myself reliable, since i turned down the same girl 2x already. at work, i carry around a pumpkin kitty plushie.

monday, i watched the stepford wives (2004). me and my friend meant to watch (1975) but it was a treat in and of itself. very on the nose feminist theory mostly and pretty progressive for a mid 2000s film. did not like the monologues, but claire's said a Lot about patriarchy. without reading into the gender essentialism littered throughout, she just wanted to stand at the top of her career with her husband and not have to compartmentalize all the time. to "be the man" is to lead a lonely, emotionally absent life and she didn't want that. she wanted to feel, and to run her world. people of all genders should be able to do that! claire just went about it so terribly wrong bless her heart. also adored nicole kidman with that short cut—an absolutely stunning woman. i also started teaching myself trad art again. i'll eventually take more pictures of my life with my digicam (that aren't obnoxious aurafarming self portraits). expect personal pics soon.

tuesday began my last semester of high school. i have no complaints. my teachers are fine, i get along with my classmates, the courses don't seem hard (little worried about math. never my strong suit.), and i get to leave early. the guy i used to fawn over in august was really excited to tell me about his crush. laughing at disappointment is great but you've still got to deal with your feelings.

wednesday, i listened to marry me by kanii. the temptations haunt me. you want me; girl, don't i know?

i opened my playlist in a bottle from 2024 on thursday. the song for my favorite person was from deathconsciousness and the song i planned to kiss someone to was strawberry cream by oeil. it's actually ridiculous how much changed within a year, often within the span of a week. the note i left read: i <3 u hope ur good. that night i had rice, tempura shrimp, and kimchi while i worked on finishing designing a magazine.

yesterday, i set up this blog and mentally prepared to be at home alone for another 2-3 months. i called up a friend to watch the substance (2024) together. i didn't have any expectations for this movie bcs i never saw any trailers, and i watched it terribly late. this was just evil freaky friday or any other bodyswap trope. it didn't explore the concept in any new way and was sooooo long for it not to, which was really disappointing. i found myself questioning why sue and elizabeth were at odds w/ each other so intensely from the start if "they are one." like shouldn't their motivations align, and they, like, find it in their best interest to keep each other alive and well? i understand satire and whatnot and i get the message (beauty standards bad. Okay.) but i just don't think this film really had anything important to say. the body horror was amazing and then progressively got worse and tacky and excessive and it made me sad bcs some of the scenes were especially uncomfortable. i dunno, this movie just wasn't doing it for me.