#senti-han

Nababasa mo ba itong blog ko? Sana mabasa mo ito. Ahihihi. Kasi ito na ang huli. Ito na talaga ang huling beses (at pag hindi ko ito matupad, panumbat ang entry na ito). Sa totoo lang, sawa na akong magblog tungkol sa'yo, pero wala rin ako sa mood (at walang load) na itext lahat ng ito sa'yo. Kaya dito na lang. Ahahaha. ... Binabawi ko pala yung sinabi ko kanina sa'yo na ikaw ang nagturo sa akin ng dalawang mahiwagang salita na "move on." Eeek. Wrong answer. Dahil kung tutuusin, walang directly nagturo sa akin nun. I could come up with the many analogies and messages about moving on, but only two stood out. These two are the worst and the best, respectively. Alam mo ba na yung taong iniiyakan mo (kung siya man yun, dahil hindi naman ako pala-tanong) ang siyang unang tao na nagsabi sa akin na mag-move on ilang oras pagkatapos ng katapusan natin? Mga tatlong oras pa lang ang nakakaraan nun, tapos sasabihin niya agad sa akin, "Move on, let go"? Di ba yun nga yung ginawa ko kanina? Putangina. Pikon na pikon ako nang mabasa ko yun, kasi una, hindi kami close. Pangalawa, sino ba siya? Porke't best friends kayo, best friend niya na rin ako? Duh. At pangatlo, masama ang kutob ko sa kanya una palang. And I was right. Or so I'd like to believe. Nakapag-move on ka nga dahil sa kanya, pero ngayon umiiyak ka dahil sa kanya. Na naman. Kung kaya ko siyang awayin sa cyberspace noong pinaiyak ka niya, ngayon hindi na. Siguro nga nawala na ang korona ng The Most Bitter Ex in The World bago ko pa man mamalayan. Er, sorry I'm ranting. Bakit yun ang worst move on message ever? Simple: kasi hindi mo ididikta sa kahit sinong tao na magmove on na siya, lalo na kapag sugatan pa siya. Hayaan mo lang siya; kanya-kanya tayo ng ways of coping di ba. You can only comisserate, but not dictate nor give unsolicited advice. After all, hindi ko naman hinihingi ang opinyon niya. Tinatanong mo sa akin kaninang umaga kung paano magmove on. Nagkamali pala talaga ako sa pagaaakalang alam mo na ang sagot. Naalala ko ang pagkakaintindihan namin ng isa kong kaibigan kung bakit madalas mahirap mag-move on. Kasi pag nakuha mo na yung pinakamatindi, tapos nawala sa'yo, hangga't walang matinding follow-up, you're just stuck there. Wala ka nang iisipin kundi siya. Kahit maraming distractions sa paligid mo, when all is done and you're nothing but idle, siya lang palagi ang maiisip mo---kahit na taon na ang binibilang ng huling beses niyong pagkikita. Pero, sa totoo lang, eventually choice mo din if you don't want to be stuck there forever, whatever there may stand for.  And for me, there was you, the one I used to call The Last One. I dunno when exactly I made that choice, and perhaps I'm not the best person to speak about it here in cyberspace (or any space whatsoever). But I stood and am standing by that choice, that choice of not thinking of you when all is done, that choice of seeing the world beyond what is there, that choice of not making you the LAST one. I'm not saying it's easy, because it takes time, but eventually you'll appreciate the beauty of it.So what was the best message I've received about moving on? Galing yun sa high school friend kong si Bernadette (I'm sure you remember her; perhaps baka nagkikita kayo sa school). At least she knew better than give advice HOURS after a big break up; she sent it to me a month later. Here's how it read:

"The longest day is the day after one great love. It is when you realize the pain and emptiness. It will remain that way unless you find the courage to say that this day is the same as the rest."

And so ambilis kong nakalimutan kung anong tanong niya talaga in the first place.

Pero tanda kong pinapag-promise niya ako dahil ayaw niyang sabihin ko sa kahit sino.

"Even my best friend?"

"Especially your best friend."

Pero ganito lang naman kasi yun: worried siya kung may gusto ba sa kanya siya, bilang para sa kanya, wala naman siyang ginagawa para iparamdam sa kanya na gusto niya siya, or at the least, may pag-asa.

I told him I can't speak for the girl. Because I'm not her.

But even so, I told him na kahit wala siguro siyang conscious effort to make her feel he likes her, in our eyes tila meron.

"Remember the Johari window. May mga bagay na ikaw lang ang nakakakita at may mga bagay na kami lang ang nakakakita."

And thank goodness he got that.

Or not.

He asked me for specifics. I couldn't. Cat got my tongue at the wrong timing.

"Sana hindi naman noh? Sana hindi naman niya isipin na ganun," he sighed.

And then he went on about other things that bothered him. How he finds it hard how to react when people tease the perennial love team that they are. How the guy that was once a friend seemed distant since the girl rejected him. How he cannot reconcile the fact that the girl may possibly like him and the fact that the girl sometimes told her about her own crushes.

To which I only remarked that it's a sign of maturity, that she can talk to him about others and be okay.

(I wish I told him that maybe that's her sign of making him jealous. But hey, I can't speak for the girl.)

But I get his dilemma (and I told him so). He can't confront her about her feelings for him because, well, hello.

And even if he did and he tells her that there's nothing to hope for, well, hello.

To sum it up as to why there's nothing to hope for: "Eh kasi nga... Bawal sa amin."

Which led me to ask: "If religion wasn't an issue, would you pursue her?"

"Ayokong sagutin yan."

"Kasi maguguluhan ka?"

At nakalimutan ko na naman ang sagot niya.

>.<"

Phooey.

Better write about it now lest I forget about it later.

No, I'm not colorblind I know the world is black and white Try to keep an open mind But I just can't sleep on this tonight Stop this train I wanna get off and go home again I can't take the speed it's moving in I know I can But honestly, won't someone stop this train? Don't know how else to say it Don't want to see my parents go One generation's length away From fighting life out on my own Stop this train I wanna get off and go home again I can't take the speed it's moving in I know I can But honestly, won't someone stop this train? So scared of getting older I'm only good at being young So I play the numbers game To find a way to say that life has just begun Had a talk with my old man Said "help me understand" He said "turn sixty-eight You renegotiate" "Don't stop this train Don't for a minute change the place you're in And don't think I couldn't ever understand I tried my hand John, honestly we'll never stop this train" Once in a while, when it's good It'll feel like it should And they're all still around And you're still safe and sound And you don't miss a thing Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark Singing Stop this train I wanna get off and go home again I can't take the speed it's moving in I know I can Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

Stop This Train John Mayer Continuum

There's only so much you can learn in one place The more that I wait, the more time that I waste I haven't got much time to waste It's time to make my way I'm not afraid of what I'll face But I'm afraid to stay I'm going down my road and I can make it alone I'll work and I'll fight till I find a place of my own Are you ready to jump Get ready to jump Don't ever look back oh baby Yes, I'm ready to jump Just take my hand Get ready to jump We learned our lesson from the start My sisters and me The only thing you can depend on Is your family Life's gonna drop you down like a limb from a tree It sways and it swings and it bends until it makes you see

JumpMadonnaConfessions on a Dance Floor