#semi-update

I feel like I accidentally took the fertile trait without even knowing lol!

Recently I went back to the doctor because of ongoing problems with carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands. Well, it had improved a little, but it's still there and it's still screwing me over - some days less, some days more. I have been prescribed a new splint and hopefully it should do the deal and get better. Otherwise it's increasingly likely that I'll have to consider surgery at some point in the future. :')

That being said, I'll try to write another chapter before the year ends, but no promises. If I don't, expect at least one more drawing before the year ends.

TW: depression, anxiety.

I want to buy this thing for my laptop. oh and also this thing that can help my laptop. also this dental instrument for this type of department. and then i also want to get back on that k-drama i haven't finished yet. there's also this thing i want to see in person after the quarantine. i miss my significant other, maybe i should visit him. but i might be intruding. i still haven't washed the dishes yet. the dogs are already barking at me for food. i haven't taken a shower yet. i don't want to wake up. i am so tired. my ears are tired of hearing noises. i don't want to feel this anymore--

and more countless thoughts that would just cycle in my mind, while staring blankly at the ceiling. i feel heavy, nauseous, overwhelmed, and exhausted. i can't do meditation because it's hard for me to concentrate, to ground myself in just one place. i can't listen to what my body wants or needs, yet i do all these nonsensical stuff just to fill the void and avoid what i should be doing. i lost my sense of purpose. i've been avoiding people who would talk about their religion, and those who always shove thoughts that only faith can save me from my mental health and that i should just trust Him.

First of all, hello. I have been open about my mental health issues in this platform for the past months now. I have been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder (GAD, and Depression as a secondary disorder that comes with it) and Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD, w/c is kind of sad haha), and my psychiatrist told me this recently. I didn't want to confront it at first, because I'm scared that I might mold myself into that disorder and fully embrace it, and make it my whole personality and that I deserve to be in this mental state. Once my psychiatrist professionally revealed me the diagnosis, it just made me realize that I am dealing with something. That I do have a problem, and it has been affecting my daily life both emotionally and physically. I gradually learn to assess it, and to remind myself that it's something that will never be the core of my being. These disorders are a part of me, but it does not fully hold my worth as a person. I still struggle with it, but I am still clinging onto that small hope.

I have been taking medications since the start of 2018, and I have been on and off with it for 2 years, then started again this year. I have been dealing with it while still pushing my way through my course, until now actually. And, it's hard. It's difficult to distinguish what I should prioritize and what I should just let go and let it naturally unfold. It was more difficult before; the people that surrounded me during the pre-pandemic years were too eager and too impatient to graduate, and it made me feel like I was shoved into a corner and forced to watch everything go by in a speed of light. It feels like being in a 24/7 curated schedule for me, and that's the only thing I have to do. It made me feel that I didn't have a say, or that I can't force myself to speak up when I needed to. And. . . it broke me. I remember the feeling of depression settling in; it was when I expected something great from all of my hard work, but it was met with a mediocre output. It sent me into a spiral of hatred and disgust with myself. I was having an out-of-body experience that sent me into a dark place, and everything felt empty. It wasn't about the output that made me feel it, but something heavier and sinister that just had the opportunity to come out and let itself be recognized.

I didn't talk to my parents after that. I isolated myself from my family, and just put on a façade in front of my friends when I'm in my university. I slept a lot, and I never felt hungry after that day. I was wasting, rotting from inside-out. I had countless attempts of just jumping out of the window and end it all, or just get that knife from the kitchen and be done with it. I had no plans of writing a farewell letter, because it was all too much for me and I just want to go already. When my mom had the chance to confront me, I just broke down-- I had no words to describe it. I am forever grateful that my mom has a big heart when it comes to being understanding and open-minded about mental health topics. That's when I started going to therapy. At first, they just told me that it's more of Depression and Anxiety. They didn't fully explain to me what type or what kind it was, and I was semi-relieved that they didn't tell me that time. But now, fully realizing and having a concrete diagnosis for what I'm experiencing has given a light to what's wrong and what's needed to be addressed.

And just a side note, my faith in God has nothing to do with what I'm currently going through right now. I have my own silent conversations with God, and we have our own way of communicating with each other. In times of helplessness, I know that He is with me. In times of giving up, I know that He is finding ways to keep me going. I want others to understand that my faith in God has nothing to do with what I'm dealing with. Don't use my disorders against what I believe in. It does not make sense in the first place, so why push people with mental health disorders the idea that they lack faith in what they believe in? It makes zero sense at all. You're just making them suffer more, as if they're not suffering enough. So please, be careful with what you say/advice to people with conditions like these.

Right now all I want is to be done with everything, especially all the clinical requirements from my university. All of those grandiose goals that people have, I have none of it. I had a lot of them from the past, but now I just want things to be okay. I want to feel okay. That's just what keeps me going right now; the feeling of being okay. And if I reached that goal, then I'll just let everything take its course. Whatever happens, happens. I no longer have the drive to be better than my yesterday's self. yet. I'm still trying to overcome that phase, and I do hope I can. Dealing with perceiving thoughts, situations, and people can be different from my point of view when compared to people without all the disorders I have. I'm finding it frustrating, since it slows down my progress. When I was a kid (up to my adolescent years), I was not used to making mistakes or passing late outputs, because I thought that's wrong and unforgivable. Now, I have to re-learn every ideas that I have from the past, and it's somehow my duty to shine upon correct positivity on it.

I am exhausted. I am terrified. I am on the brink of letting it all go.

I love this song.  Specifically the lyrics, “I wake up to a smoking gun”, and “The sword of justice in your hand. You cut me down, sharp like a blade,” REALLY remind me of X & Zero’s continuous plight against the Mavericks no matter how run down they are.

I’m working on Ep. 10 of Season V, as of this update, but the progress is slow going.  Regardless, this song is really appropriate, because I feel it really captures their downtrodden feelings as of this moment in the series.  The Reploids are almost finished, but they have their own internal strife, and they’re not even sure if they can save the Earth.

It’s just been really crazy the last couple days. But I’ll make an update post and I’ll answer the fun questions things and I’ll get to the other anon about what an IUD is, too. <3