#selfsafety

The Story You Tell Yourself Is the Problem

Anxious attachment isn't just about behavior—it's about the narrative you've been rehearsing for years. The story that says love is fragile, that silence is rejection, that your worth needs constant external proof. This is the cognitive loop keeping you stuck. Healing isn't about controlling your partner; it's about becoming the editor-in-chief of your own internal dialogue.

Step 1: Identify the Default Script

When anxiety spikes, what's the first sentence your mind writes? 'He's pulling away.' 'I'm too much.' 'This is ending.' Write it down. This is your inherited narrative—likely from childhood or a past betrayal. Just naming it as a script, not a fact, creates the distance needed for change.

Step 2: Interrogate the Evidence

Anxious brains are terrible at sourcing. They use past data to predict present outcomes. Pause and ask: 'What is the actual, observable evidence right now? Not what I fear, but what is real?' You'll often find the evidence supports safety, not abandonment. This is cognitive reappraisal in action.

Step 3: Draft a New Interpretation

Your brain loves a story. Give it a better one. Instead of 'He's ignoring me,' try 'He's focused on his work.' Instead of 'I'm annoying him,' try 'I am allowed to exist without performing for approval.' Each rewrite is a neural pathway being relaid. Repetition is the key.

Step 4: Embody the New Voice

Thoughts are just suggestions until you feel them. When you've rewritten the narrative, take a breath. Let your shoulders drop. Let your jaw unclench. This is the body catching up to the new cognitive map. Safety is not just thought—it is felt.

Step 5: Create a 'Revision Ritual'

Every evening, review one moment of anxiety you faced. Write the old narrative, then write your revised version. Over time, your brain will default to the new story because you've given it more repetitions. You are not healing from attachment; you are rewriting its origin.

This is the deepest work: not to stop feeling anxious, but to stop believing the anxious story. You are not a character in a tragedy of abandonment. You are the narrator of a comeback story where love is steady, and so are you.