when i was in mechanical engineering initially, i was in fact a victim of sexism and it came in a couple of different flavors. it was never in the blatant “you’re a girl, what do you know”, or “pretty good… for a girl” (although i did expect both, especially the latter), but it was more like “I’m not explaining this well enough” (a surreptitious put-down and insinuation that i’m not smart enough for this), just being rude to me for trying to understand things and for the way I think, or—now, this was hard to spot initially but it did make sense when I thought about it after a while, and it admittedly was one of the things that led me to quitting—i would get put up on a pedestal. “you’re a GIRL! in engineering! that’s so cool!” uhh… why are you talking like that? do you wanna like, give me a cookie or something? because that’s what I’m expecting out of that. with this in mind, you can imagine the disappointment, the mockery, the rather vicious criticism, etc., i faced when i said i wanted art instead. it couldn’t be clearer to them that i went through all of that in high school just to throw it all away and that it’s all a waste and that i’m a lost cause.
another thing i would get, now that i think back to it, was "why do you want to do that?" and... i knew what they were thinking, too. they didn't want to say it, but it came with a subtext of "you're a girl" as this isn't a "feminine" profession.
i… don’t remember professors promoting those stereotypes? it came more out of my classmates and counselors (and family... god, and how; first woman in my family to do this, so of course i didn't hear the end of it) than anything. in fact, the first person to throw “what would you do with that” at me when i said i’m an artist with an engineer’s brain was a school counselor. yeah. a person whose job is to advise students on what to do with their lives was baffled by that.
and i did join SWE for a time, but i very quickly became bored with the implication that we’re women and therefore separate from the men (although i’m not trying to say that we should be “one of the boys” or something, rather i found it to be a breeding ground for the “not like other girls” mentality that we all know and love).
by the way, when i was in principles of engineering 101 initially, we did not have an engineering notebook (and i never liked keeping journals specifically for a class because a.) journal = private thoughts; and b.) you really don’t want to know my private thoughts, teach. just saying) so this is new to me.
again, i never got any of this.
the moment i set foot in that classroom, i was thrown into it cold. like… oh, we’re going to design something? um, do we have written plans or anything? is this a collaboration or a solo thing? do we have a legit problem to face? what math is involved? what materials are we talking about? i have so many questions here, help me understand this i’M UNPREPARED.
it was just: sit down. listen. design. you’re an idiot if you have more than two questions, but also ask questions. this is a cruel, callous field so suck it up. good luck, fucker.
so, with this in mind, is it any wonder i ended up quitting?
is it any wonder that it made me suicidal?
good marks for brown university, and i lowkey wish i had gone there (then again, that was way before i figured electrical engineering is my thing rather than mechanical so i'm also glad i didn't).
