#self-relfection

Essential Question: How do we define ourselves?

Tonight, I made the brilliant decision to smoke a joint and put in one of my favorite films, Gregg Araki’s Smiley Face. I thought I would just get kinda stupid and enjoy the movie, but my brain decided it wanted to get real with me. The movie has already played twice and during this time I have been anxiously rolling over in my bed doubting my existence. I feel this sort of dominant presence breathing over my shoulder all the time telling me how to live my life. I think it’s bullshit, and I want to sort through it. I need to figure my shit out. This is also my attempt at writing.

I’m going to talk about this person I’ve been seeing, whom I will name Person because I'm original. I seriously have no idea what to make of them. Let me start off by saying that I normally call it off with people I’m not sure of. I try not to get too involved with people whom I’m not really interested in because I’ve learned through experience that not following your gut is a bad idea. Person is kind of different. First of all, I’m being really honest when I say that it’s been a while since I’ve been interested in someone. I’m using the word ‘interested’ to sound nonchalant, but what I actually mean is that I think they're fucking rad and I really enjoy their cuddles. I know this is a huge cliché, but I’m a big fan of their smile. It’s all dimply and radiates cuteness and I want to hold their little hand. I also very much enjoy the way their brain operates. As I’ve been getting to know them, I’m discovering that they're weird and childish and I find it kind of endearing. They're pretty sexy, too. So, I’m finding it really hard to just forget about them. I enjoy their company, and I would like to get to know them better. But… there’s a but

I give way too many fucks about what this person thinks of me. This fucking weirds me out because I haven’t felt this fucking stupid and shitty about myself in a long time. Is this how I always am? Because I don’t remember ever getting this cray cray. I guess I’m concerned about fucking it up because I really like them? I don’t know. I’m becoming very confused about how I feel about myself and I don’t know where the fuck this insecurity stems from. I’m not a fan of it. I need to stop giving a shit. I don’t give shits about people. I don’t give two shits about what people think about me. I’m tuff. 

I’m also starting to get to know their flaws. Everyone’s got’em. Everyone has baggage and nobody is perfect. But I don’t know if I can read Person properly. I hardly know them, but from what I gathered within the past few weeks of hanging out with them, I think they're going through a lot of stuff, and as a result are very preoccupied with themselves. I totally get it and can relate, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. 

But in another sense, I feel like Person may be bad for me, and that I may be blinded because I’m so into them. Person was a straight-up douchebag to me the other night and it weirded me out. They were being disrespectful and I was immediately turned off. I was wondering what the fuck I was doing hanging out with them. I confronted them on it and they apologized for their doucheries. Part of me was/am really pissed because they were being a jackass, and another part of me accepted their apology because they took accountability for being a jackass. Or they appeared to be sorry? I don't fucking know what to make of this person. I don’t know if I want to get involved with them, because I feel like this may get messy. I may get hurt. I don't deserve to be hurt. Fuck that shit. Dating is weird. 

I’m currently on my third round of Smiley Face. I swear I can recite this movie by heart. It’s so good. 

As I’ve been going over and editing my little rant, I have had time to sober up. My anxiety has subsided and things are starting to make a little more sense. This is not about what Person thinks of me. It comes down to me having to make changes. I need to not give a fuck about what people think of me and appreciate myself enough so that I can be confident being around people I’m actually ‘interested’ in. If I’m confident in who I am, I’m confident in what I want. I’ll figure it out. I got dis.