In my last post, I talked about the Loyal Soldier and how it needs to be brought home, welcomed, loved endlessly and molded to reflect and help us with our current reality than the battles it has fought before with us.

I believe our subconscious is built up of every learning, every survival strategy that we formulated till the conclusion of our childhood, sometimes even starting from our past…

Aset [-Serqet] was divined as my mother a few months ago. I never reached out to her, beyond intimidated once the RPD was finished.

I don’t think it’s necessarily her that I’m afraid of, but more of living up to her standards. At first I didn’t want to contact her because my room was messy, I was a mess, I didn’t have my shit together and could hardly devote any energy towards religion, period.

She’s the head bitch, which I say fondly. She has her shit together and isn’t afraid to show it. She’s awe-inspiring and intimidating and I don’t know how I’ll measure up. I feel weak, physically and emotionally. I struggle to even get out of bed at points and sometimes it seems like my body is against me. How am I to measure up to someone like her, who’s so strong and capable? She is my Mother and I see myself in her, but.

And so it all kind of fell on the wayside. I’m still afraid to go to her, to open up to my Parent and be rejected. Thoughts of my laziness keep cycling through, though I’m fairly certain that’s more because of my physical family than anything. I don’t want to disappoint her. I don’t want to disappoint myself, and raise my hopes and have them crushed like that.

And so I do what a perfectionist does. I never try.

And not much point “growing my brand” while Tumblr is self-immolating.