#self-comfort

I'm sorry....

This one goes out to the lovely @a11sha11fade, who graciously allowed me to borrow her Elloway Lavellan for this one! 

She leaves often. When it is part of her role as Inquisitor, he worries - of course he worries - but he understands it is inevitable. Necessary. When it is of her own volition, however… Those days are harder. 

It took many fraught conversations, and - admittedly - more reassurances than he was due, for her to convince him that it was not a reflection on him or anyone else. Simply a necessity of a different kind. One she must pursue from time to time. 

To be alone. To meditate. To find her peace. 

And yet every time he watches her disappear into the horizon, he can’t help the dark thoughts that rise like bile in the back of his mind - this time she’s not coming back. It’s foolish. It’s selfish. It’s based in no evidence - except the constant ebb and flow of tragedy his sins have brought upon him. 

Still he worries. Of course he worries. It is perhaps the one thing he knows best. A lifetime trapped within shackles of his own creation–No! Stop that! How many times has Elloway smoothed away those fears? Held his face in the warmth of her gaze and her hands and whispered love to shrink away the doubt. Endlessly patient. 

He can be patient for her. He can trust. For her, he can do that much, at least. Would that he could do more… 

It’s that thought that finally spurs him to action, after she has gone on one such peace-seeking sojourn. He can do more, and so he does. He has any mail not specifically marked for “Inquisitor’s eyes only” redirected to his desk. He ensures the gardeners have the resources they need. He swallows his guilt and does his best to get enough sleep each night, despite his whole body twitching with uncertainty. 

So that she can trust him enough to leave. Leave, and return, knowing it will all be waiting for her. He will be waiting. 

Today, let’s take a step back and not focus on self-care, confrontation, meditation, or anything that is, well, obviously focusing on the holistic journey of living well.

Today, I want you to remember Comfort.

Not self-care, Comfort.

This is when it’s all truly too much, in some way. When you can’t take the fucking show – okay, you could, but you’re kind of already mentally throwing a fit and somehow taking that shower is going to make you fucking lose it, because once you take the shower, you’re going to be wet, and somehow that is going to interfere with you doing anything else, even enjoying the remainder of your day.

This is a form of self-care, but I think of it more as the “emergency” self-care, where you actually do have to drop the usual things you do to take care of yourself, because something is wrong.

Figuring out when this is may be difficult, like figuring out when the exercise has been too much, but it’s important to be aware of it. Not recognizing it, can cause a very sudden and sharp downturn emotionally and mentally, because doing anything is suddenly just upsetting, because it’s not allowing for Comfort.

Comfort may look different to you than it does for me.

Comfort is a day spent in bed with a good show or movie on, and possibly playing on the Nintendo Switch. Comfort is having food already made, or delivered. Sometimes, Comfort is just a few hours. Sometimes, it can be an entire weekend.

I’ve gotten better so that I don’t require these days as often, because I’ve interspersed a lot of small, self-care things throughout my weeks to keep myself in good order.

However, after two vaccine shots, tattoo rescheduling, cars breaking down, a bad work week, dental appointment, financial appointments, a cupcake charge fiasco (a mischarge of $87 for one cupcake – they fixed it immediately, but GOOD LORD), and in general, running around a lot, I was absolutely kicking up a fit about showering when it all came to an end, and I like showering.  

So I spent the following day with The Three Lives of Thomasina and some Ghibli films, and no pressures to do anything other than exist. I worked my way back into playing Nioh 2, and doing some pleasure writing, and there was no kicking up a fit for showering that night. I was, again, back to normal.

Had I tried to plow through the day, to force myself into doing things – even pleasure writing – it certainly wouldn’t have gone well. Some days, you have to leave open to just be and move at your own pace. Where you can, of course. I obviously couldn’t do this as easily if it had fallen on a work day, but if I had ignored this weekend to keep doing things, odds would have been high I would have had to take a day off work, or I would have lost my next weekend entirely to frustration and fatigue.

There’s many places in life to go. Many things to do. Tons of people to meet. One told me not to be so set on being free. I replied “why not”? His answer, “clouds dissipate, nothing remains in the sky”. So low I am, and up high is where I strive to be. All I want is to be up as if on top of a tree. Floating in the sky with the clouds. Near the star’s as they glisten all around. Just the…