That Girl - Alysia Harris Spoken Word Poetry

If women were obsessed and concerned with being STRONG and HEALTHY and not THIN and BEAUTIFUL, women would be happier and also less overweight as a rule, therefore gaining pride and confidence in their appearance.

How do you change the attitude of women then? First we must look at what is causing us to care so much about this. I believe it is particularly a women's issue when it comes to feeling that it's our duty to make sure everyone is pleased with us, and find us to be pleasing visually and semantically.

Women tend to live for others rather than for themselves. Contrary to general consensus, this is not wholly a valorous or humble trait. Living for yourself with a desire to positively impact and make others happy is very different from what I am referencing. Living for others doesn't mean that a women can't act selfishly to achieve this goal. It does not mean women are behaving inherently good or motherly. One might do something cruel or manipulative to gain approval or the status they are looking for.

Living this way will also cause backlash. Resentment is probably the most common reaction. Women feel they give and give and give to please. We adjust our tone, the words we chose, the faces we make, the clothes we wear just to be pleasing as much as possible. It's EXHAUSTING to constantly be concerned with if someone might not think you're being pleasant as pie. When you do deviate from this, you feel guilt, shame and a sense of loss because you've failed to be pleasing. You were too fat, too opinionated, too bold, too passionate, too cold, too fake, too needy... the list goes on.

Being overly concerned with other's feelings or opinions can give women an insight and opportunity to manage a large group of people; and keep them feeling valued and appreciated. I have read a few articles addressing the overwhelming success of managing employees in a more community oriented and emphatic way. These new ways of management were largely introduced by women in powerful positions who decided to take a risk to change the status quo. This attitude and empathy can be a very powerful tool, but too often it seems to have been abused by society, creating an internal struggle in women they never truly escape from.

  Personally, I combined what I wanted to do with my life with what I thought other people would appreciate or think seemed impressive to them. That is not a recipe for success. It's a recipe for confusion too many women buy right into. It's bad choices and goals that are supposed to make you proud through believing you made OTHERS proud. I was in my early 20s when I realized I had been doing this at all. I was under a strict impression I was above this; independent, motivated and strong. I was wrong. There is too much emphasis on that being pleasing is the #1 value you can have as a woman and so it's up for societal and personal punishment all the time. How dare you be a woman and have visual flaws. You are here for the rest of us to look at and never forget that; and we certainly don't. We wake up every day and criticize ourselves visually. We think it before we think about our attitudes, motivations, or other flaws we really could be working on. First and most often it's this shit. It's oppressive to your value as a person. It's distracting to the person you could be if you stopped obsessing over it and put that energy and concern into something else- like your career, your health, your goals or personality flaws.

I gave up on this idea that I was out to be beautiful for everyone my sophomore year of college. I feel that I have been going through a healing process over MANY years when it comes to this matter. I did not suddenly feel differently. I cared a lot. I used to constantly preen. I don't anymore. I used to have a panic attack if someone wanted me to leave the house without makeup. I don't anymore. It took a lot of time before I decided it was a lot of wasted energy. Sure I have days I decide to get dolled up, for myself or an event;  but it's not a requirement and it's not about everyone else anymore. It's my terms now. I separate my personal goals from the projection I make of what others will want of me.

More recently I started trying to be more active, which I believe was another positive step toward doing something for the true betterment of me, for me, not approval of others. The idea of that I had to be thin or beautiful was something I wanted previously, but never enough of a motivator for me to truly do anything life changing about. We have all done our half ass attempts. I believe this is because somewhere behind all our obsessing we know this vanity stuff is bullshit. Simply being pretty is not going to make us happy. What motivated me far more than the vanity of being pleasant for everyone else, was my health and personal happiness. I strongly believe that is the key motivator for every human being.

I have struggled with anxiety and depression. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to be stronger. Not surprisingly, I made no true progress until I had a sincere desire to better myself for myself and no one else. Knowing that this is truly helping my life and making me a better person makes me want to continue. Limiting your calories and avoiding all food that makes you happy is a CHORE, and the means to that end are not that satisfying.