#self rants

I had the weirdest experience yesterday. Now before I say anything about it, I want to give context. Now I am a not a good artist yet, and when I make OCs, I either play doll dress up games or try to describe em in writing. So since I joined the BNHA fandom, I have this OC Kana (no last name because I couldn’t get a last name meaning “emotional love” in Japanese because I am stupid that way, but if you have any ideas... leave them in the comments) and I kept creating stories or little scenarios with her. I also had her be Shoto Todoroki’s best friend (because I could). She also doesn’t have a solid appearance in my head. 

Anyway, she has a fudged up backstory, her mom was a former hero who turned villain and her mom was obviously detained after Kana was like 5 or something. And Kana’s quirk is seriously OP (I don’t have a name for it but I can describe it). Her quirk allows her to shoot shadow-like tentacles from any part of her exposed skin, but it leaves a little mark that goes away depending on how long she’s used her shadow-like tentacle. And she can strike fear into those around her in a... 5 mile radius? By making any loud noise, like laughter (which is the quickest way to do that) or a hiss. She can sense emotions but only feed off negative ones like anger or sadness.

Now she’s in class 1-A and she has replaced Mineta (no one really cares about that dumbass perverted grape dick). And because her mom was a hero-turned-villain, she’s been feared for possibly going to do what her mom did. So, to spite everyone who’s she ever heard say “but what if she turns out like her mom?”, she is going to be a hero and STAY a hero. But because her mom was a feared villain (who was also famous as a hero), she gets into a lot of trouble with gangs her mother has crossed before and gets either kidnapped (or almost kidnapped), hurt or threatened. So one scenario, she gets kidnapped by people who want to sell her for her powerful quirk (Not my idea originally, @bethhankel did it with their Scorched AU). 

And in that time, she gets chained up, gets all sorts of hurt, almost gets raped but she doesn’t let them and hurts a lot of henchdudes. So, you know, before this happens, she builds a good relationship with Class 1-A with multiple things (not getting into that because I don’t wanna make this a long post and this isn’t a BNHA blog but evolved into a personal blog now). They save her, she heals up (after a few other mishaps and development of quirk drawbacks) but she suffers from PTSD. So her mental health deteriorates badly. A lot of flashbacks from where they were very close to sexually harming her and other things.

So when I flesh out stories and stuff I listen to music and do little AMVs. Now, we finally get to the weird experience... So I was in the car and waited for my mom to get back, when she did, she started the car and pulled back onto the road towards home. All that wonderful stuff. So I obviously listened to music (I can’t remember the song, but it was a sad song to a degree) and made an AMV for all of Kana’s PTSD nightmares (from kidnapping) and stuff (and at the time it was in the beginning after all the drama with her quirk slightly malfunctioning). Everyone in Class 1-A (except for Todoroki obviously) has almost never seen her true emotions and don’t know any of her passions. So she hides a lot, so when she starts getting a bit more jumpy, more sensitive and a bit more emotional (relatively speaking), they definitely start worrying. But in one of her PTSD scares, it’s a loud noise that sounds a lot like chains that scares her so badly she almost hides behind whoever she was next to.

I also find FT unwatchable. I feel similarly about most ramadan dramas. They’re mostly formulaic with the same over the top acting; I watched the first three episodes of FT and got bored. Oddly the one ramadan drama of recent years that I liked was the ramsha khan and Ahad Raza Mir one because that one was a little less over the top than others. I think there comes an age where you’re just like, I don’t want to watch characters flailing around like fish out of water (quite literally) for a few weeks and then watch them fall in love.

one thing I am on the way of fully accepting is that I grow and change as a person. so my tastes don't remain constant. I want the media I am consuming to grow with me and that is not something I am feeling in Pakistani dramas a LOT. so I either go back to the nostalgia road and feed myself scraps leftover of the old passion I used to have for things or I simply wait for something new to spark that joy in me. i am open to new and interesting things from PakDramas, i AM! I get hyped up by teasers that look exciting and I genuinely anticipate the new projects. was I not excited for Mohabbat Gumshuda Meri because of how refreshing the teasers looked? but when the final product does not live up to the initial looks i just find myself not willing to spend in a lot of energy into it.

i still love escapism and fun and fantasy and magic and I am still eager to dive completely in love with a piece of media that it consumes me thoroughly. i cannot act like the same person i was some years ago so my methods of engaging with the said media have changed. crisis wala point hai, I know, but ab yehi hai.