#self journal

La razón principal de la creación de este blog, creo yo, es un poco para hacer catarsis, un poco para volver a escribir que es algo que ya venia posponiendo hace bastante, y un poco para ir creando un mapa y una guía de supervivencia. 

No se quienes leerán esto, háganmelo saber. 

Mi nombre es Gustavo Martín Burela, actualmente tengo 29 años y resido en la ciudad de Salta, norte de Argentina. Me considero una persona que su personalidad se basa en muchas dualidades, lo introvertido y lo extrovertido; lo sensible y lo frio; la inteligencia y la torpeza; la proactividad y la pereza...

Durante mi vida me acompaño este paquete dual, donde en situaciones me sirvió y en otras me metió en problemas. No pretendo hacer de esto una tirada de escritos pretenciosos, egoístas y narcisistas. Tampoco quiero victimizarme y hacer juicios de valor. Solo escribir y que salga. Quizás salga algo de lo que no quiero o no pretendo escribir. Toda esa dualidad entrelazándose es lo que sí quiero con estos textos.

Soy un chico relativamente “común” si se le quiere poner una etiqueta, promedio. Nací en septiembre del 92 en una ciudad de los suburbios de Buenos Aires, llamada Lomas de Zamora. Allí pase 17 años hasta que me mude a la ciudad de Salta.  Acá estudie Periodismo y, Producción y direccion de radio y tv; hasta 2015 que abandoné en el ultimo tramite: la tesis. Actualmente retomando.

Desde 2015 hasta 2019 fueron años en donde la trama de mi vida me llevo a reflexionar mucho. Fueron años sin trabajo. Fueron años de mucha ansiedad, de muchas revelaciones, fueron años también de hermosos proyectos, de conocer a amistades que hoy considero fuertes.

Y estamos ahora. Siendo vulnerables una vez mas. Escribiendo para hacer catarsis. Para graficar la estructura ansiosa que anduvo forjando malestares estas ultimas temporadas. 

Hay mucho mas por contar. Mucho mas por reflexionar y analizar. Pero sobre todo, hay mucho más por compartir.  

Yesterday I went to see my counselor and I talked to her, again, about my issues with eating. Last week she suggested I may be autistic, and we have been working to schedule an assessment. This week I, for the first time, described to her what it was like when I sat down to eat. How quickly my appetite would vanish, how every food would feel like I had been eating it for months after only a few bites, how I felt like I was making myself eat something that was inedible. As she looked over the ARFID criteria in her DSM and read them aloud, I could see everything click with her. She saw how serious these issues were for me and when she read how anxiety, adhd, and autism are commonly co-occurring, she explained to me that it seems that my eating issues may have started as sensory issues I had as an autistic child that developed into ARFID due to lack of help. She said that along with my autism assessment she also wants me to be assessed for ARFID.

Work was quiet and felt relaxing.

The air has that crisp fall smell today.

I went out for sushi with my sister and had a blast shooting the shit with her driving home.

I hit my step goal every day this week. It’s only 3k right now, but that’s 1,000 more steps than I’ve been doing on average.

I got frustrated at work, vented to my boss, and he responded by getting the team together so we could all blow off steam for 45 minutes at the end of the day. I think we all needed it more than we realized. I’m so thankful for my coworkers and team.

I found peppermint bark chocolate covered pretzels today. I’ve eaten so many. They are so good. I love them.

I enjoyed the drive listening to music to go pick up groceries. Kiwi came with.

Kiwi was SO excited to see the people at the grocery store. No pets but lots of “good dog!” and cooing so she was pleased.

The moments feel fewer today but I’m calm. It’s nice.

Pulled a tarot card. Asked “what do I need to reflect on?” Deck is Tarot of the Divine.

Five of wands, The Magician, and Ten of Cups all upright jumped at once

Five of wands: I see camaraderie, joy in the hard times, leaning on friends for support, guidance, and learning. There is competition and ego but it doesn’t have to mean the end of relationships.

The Magician: she’s bright, she’s powerful, she’s sure of herself, and she can grant your every wish even if it’s as crazy as turning a pumpkin into a carriage and mice into horses. May not be the star of the show but things can’t move without her support.

Ten of cups: harmony, joining, an understanding that the past doesn’t need to be separate from you to embrace and enjoy and be happy in the future. We can stand on dry land without fully rejecting the deep oceans we come from. But also don’t block the joy you have, that’s yours.

If you practice a lot of tarot and read this, you may disagree with my interpretation and that is okay. I use the images as a guide for what message I need along with the base knowledge of what cards typically represent. I’m also very new to reading which is why it’s just for me. I’m always happy to hear a new interpretation though.

I’m hearing I need to focus less on the drama and trauma of the past and instead focus in more on my own power and the things that are serving me. I don’t need to fight or go back into the waters, so to speak, but the rejection of them may be part of what is holding me back from being truly happy on solid ground.

I need somewhere to be able to look back on good things or stuff that made me happy/laugh. So this is my selfish thing for me.

Work was calm, slow, and peaceful today despite being half staffed.

The sun was out and the air was warm for probably the last time before winter.

My kitchen is clean.

I ate a pizza.

My dog kept taking toys out of her basket as soon as I put them away, thinking that was part of the game. It was really cute.

My cat insisted on being in my lap for a chunk of the workday.

I talked to some friends and also some family a bit earlier.

I’m playing a game with a friend tonight.

Ok now...this is crazy. Overall, since I started my journal, I am down 2 lbs. So hooray for that. Unfortunately, I seem to be regaining small fractions of pounds slowly over time and I'm not happy about it. This week was a little odd--we went to the Home Run Derby (it was hosted in Seattle) & indulged in fattening baseball concession food, I replaced a workout with the activity it took to walk to/from the stadium (over 8,000 steps that day), I ate a huge, unhealthy meal from Wendy's (felt bad afterward--not bad like down on myself, just like feeling bad in my body) and I am like 2 or 3 weeks into taking fertility-related supplements. Since I've started the supplements I've found it harder to go #2--I think I'm not eliminating solid waste as good as I used to. Will have to check with the doc on this one.

Given all those considerations and the fact that I ordered some higher calorie meals from Cook Unity--I guess it makes sense that I gained 0.2 lbs. I also snacked pretty hard at work and I home (I baked my bananas foster cookies). I guess having a big calorie burning day did not outweigh some of my other choices. Again, it's not a huge deal, but I was hoping to have some better results. I upped my workouts to 50-min sessions, but I just did the first one yesterday. Also, I think I have plantar fasciitis and it's getting more painful. It could be stopping me from being more active.

Overall, I need to do a few things to move forward so I can actually get some weight loss results next time:

Get my foot pain checked on

Make sure to keep my Cook Unity meals under 600 calories each

Don't consider extra activity as a replacement for my workouts

Limit eating out and snacking--get serious about indulging