#self help.

Risposte da una persona, gretta e ignorante, che non ha voglia di migliorare. Quali sono i miei valori fondamentali?Il Calcio, la figa e il Bar dello Sport. Come posso allineare meglio la mia vita quotidiana con questi valori?Guardando le partite mentre lavoro sul camion, in autostrada. Quali sono le mie passioni e come posso integrarle nella mia vita?Comprando i calendari delle donne nude e…

"Sometimes I feel so alone that I don't know what to do...but I don't know why. I don't know why. "  -- deM atlaS featured in Next To You

           It's been such a minute since I last wrote something that I've forgotten my template on these things. Fingers crossed it's still the same. 

          Moving forward is and should be very exciting, but at the same time it can also be very stressful, exhausting, draining, overbearing, and all other synonyms. I'm sitting at a wooden desk that cost $45 and 3 hours of effort plus a genius to actually build it. Beer glasses set up posts on this young desk, barely 24 hours old and it's been populated by empty containers. Things have a quick rhythm to their spots from the giant sketchpad with design sketches and thumbnails to the external hard drive humming to its own beat. My clipboard is littered with reminders and good morning notes and a crow feather sits atop for good luck. 

If I close my eyes and slow my breathing all sounds of cafe life disappear. The espresso machine stops hissing and humming, the milk stops screaming, chairs stop dragging the floor, bathroom doors stop slamming, excited discussions from patrons fade into the distance. Suddenly it's very quiet. My ears are able to block out the noise but my mind isn't able to block out the thoughts. I'm moving forward and i'm loving every minute of it, but if I thought I was busy before, then I was wrong. As much as i try to live in the moment, I cannot help but to constantly go over what is coming next. Thoughts of future tasks rival thoughts of things forgotten. The fear of failure driving each one to make a higher claim in my brain. Which one wins is not important. The destruction they cause negates any victory. 

My lungs expand to capacity. My body hunches over as air escapes through my mouth. I sigh more than I talk these days. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it. It's just what I say to express what's on my mind. My life reminds me of a newbie stick-shift driver. Having to shift in between gears but not being comfortable yet. I'm switching between different modes of who I am at random times throughout the day. Learning that i don't get days off but rather moments. I'm having to ease the clutch so that there is no hard transition. I constantly force myself to smile and laugh when I don't want to; this is good, though, because it eases into a lighter mood instead of dredging down that burdened path. I'm learning how to occupy my time and not burn out. And it's a struggle but it's a willing struggle. Every night I go home happy because I know I advanced a little. Even if it really is a minuscule amount, I grew today and I will continue to grow. 

We all give ourselves goals, some long term and some short term.

I always say yeah im going to do this and do that, but i never actually go through with it, or I start it and never finish it.

I can criticize myself when i say i almost never finish what i set out to. I half ass most of the goals i have toward myself. I almost never take anything 100 percent serious. or I initially do until something comes up and makes me reconsider that initial judgement....

which sucks because i end up with a jar of half filled goals, and no explanation for them to only be half fulfilled.

FUCK.......

THIS.HAS.TO.CHANGE