#self dialogue

Why? This dark hole suits me. I can be as bright as I want in here.

The dark hole suits everybody! It asks nothing of you. You can pour yourself into it, take up the whole space, be a no-thing or a some-thing. Your failures and your triumphs never touch another soul. You can extinguish or burn alive...the dark hole cares not. It persists. And cares not.

But I...am afraid of the light outside.

So is everyone. I can’t tell you why either. Maybe we are all scared that someone will come along and touch a match to the fabric of our lives, sending it up in flames and rendering us stark naked in the eyes of all? It does petrify me to think I would be found wanting.

But you still have to try?

You still have to try. One dark hole is waiting for us all, it is a disservice to step into it before our time.

...

I wish you’d get up.

...

Please? We all love you out here.

...

Michael Vey (book series): *Kills Wade*

"why am I always focusing so much on how problematic the social and economic order is and why is no one else like that"

Then I remember that this is litterally what I was raised to do. I was raised where I wasn't allowed to watch tv or experience any of the culture that my peers were focusing on as kids, and had all that time replaced with books and videos and stories and lessons about all the way we like to put others down for our own gain and how we got so good at it that at least a whole country was built on it.

And that's what I was taught to focus on all the time from that point on and that's what I do now. Exactly as I was told.

So maybe instead of beating myself up for not getting the SpongeBob reference or stressing out about how I'm seemingly the only one ever aware of how deep every problem goes anywhere I go, I should be a bit kinder to myself and allow myself to relax without acting like it's some sort of sin, because I'm one person and when you're both raised in abuse and raised to be the hero from the ashes of a system that was designed to kill you, maybe focusing on your own survival till you're in an okay spot is a better starting point than burning up before you even get a home.

I'm a 22 year old who was getting gray hairs since age 9.

My Brain: What are we even doing here?

Perhaps you can have a seat beside me? I just made you a cup of warm tea, full of my love, and admiration towards you.

Dear younger me, probably a few minutes before I wrote this,

Thank you, for trying your best to be the best aunty that your nephew can have. I admire your carefulness, although yes, sometimes you are too... anxious when it comes to them. But, it just tells me about how kind you are, you don’t want them to get harmed in any way, right?

I’ve noticed that you recently got angry with their parents? well, even though you’re really good at hiding your emotions. You’re worried about their growth since their parents seem to threaten them a lot, huh? Let’s pray for them, I’m sure Allah will protect them. They’re really kind children, their personality already shines at such a young age. 

It is quite sad, isn’t it? To notice that most people that you surrounded won’t  listen to suggestions if they don’t experience it first hand? They’re the type of people who’d rather fall on their own than in the hand of a child? That’s what you think right? That they saw you as a child, there’s no way that they’d listen to you? Because you already try before when you’re much younger?