#self collaring

i live alone, which makes it so much more degrading

the bed would always be there but not meant for me. To also remind me not to think of this as my appartment but as simply the place where I'm kept captive

My committee would then have a very easy way to take care of me whenever I might feel bad, simply allowing me to use the bed (not without significant bondage of course, so I don't forget it's a special occasion and doesn't change where I truly beling) to sleep in for a night.

its very tempting...and would help incentivize me to clean the floor more often hsha

I felt it today when I walked in the Paris rain, beneath the white sky I used to feel you watch me from — beneath the place where, when I was a child, I used to tell myself I felt a god.

Holding my umbrella, straightening my back, relaxing my shoulders — correcting my posture — I felt the pain of knowing no one was watching.

My body hurt from spending the days learning carpentry. I bought an electric piano and I built a stand with pine, sanded smooth, stained dark brown — I learned to do these things, and my discipline helped me — and I showed my father, and I showed you, but there is no one now who can give me the approval I need to rest.

I remember how my body used to hurt, from the way you touched me, from my chronic illness, from standing in your kitchen when I barely had the energy to stand, making dinner for you, because I was already suffering and I needed only for it to mean something, for it to nourish you.

Last night, and the night before, I saw you, with our friends, and you were nice to me, and you wanted to be my friend. You gave me no commands. I did not look to you for them. You gave me no place to be grounded. I know that I have none. Only — you were nice to me.

The Dominant within me murmurs: I am proud to see her displayed like this. She's mine. I have made her beautiful. You won't ever touch her.

This evening, Austen novel in hand, thinking of this person who now has inspired me to read it -- to read something of huge significance, arriving at a significant moment, to rise to its total height -- I find myself at the foot of the bed, weeping into the linen she once dared me to ruin.

Ok here's what I'm thinking

I have 7 daily tasks and one weekly. They're some basic survival and hygiene self-care things, but that I usually struggle to do on my own.

Each time I complete one I get a point.

At the end of the week (I'll talk about when that is in a moment), I'll then have some amount of points accumulated from a possible maximum of 50.

So that day, I'll have (accumulated points) / 50 chance of having an orgasm.

The day where I do the random throw and potentially get the orgasm permission is on saturday. I usually meet up with partners on the weekend so this is perfect for if they want to enact punishments/rewards themselves

What I like about this system is that

I still get a pretty good chance of orgasm even if I don't do things perfect. Perfection isn't the goal and doing 90% of the things right shouldn't be cause of punishment.

Having a point system opens the door to people potentially being able to award or deduct points depending on other things. For example I could say that people are able to give me points freely but I'm forbidden to ask for them. As for whether they can deduct points, I'm still thinking about that. I don't want anyone to deduct points whenever they want just because. I might do some limited list of reasons they can deduct points for? Maybe have someone else also agree to it? Should i make some kind of co-ownership certificate i give to people who can do these kind of things? slunds fun but tangential, anyways

I tend to get very stuck to my computer doing things. Not entirely unproductive, like art, but sometimes things that should go a bit after making sure I stay alive and healthy.

So, here are the things I've thought for myself as self-care rules.

Once a day: - Have breakfast - Have lunch - Have dinner - Drink 2L of water. - Go outside. Even if just to go but some small thing. - If inside and alone with no plans, go to bed such that I can sleep full 8 hours.

On even days: - Shower

Every week: - At least one social outing.

Every other week: - Think about doctors! As in, check if I need to go to any, and move it closer to happening.

I'm still thinking about rewards and punishments and such, but for now I need to keep track of all of this.

Is there any habit app you recommend? I'm considering just doing it manually but who knows.