#selbststudium

why focusing for longer than a short burst feels exhausting, frustrating, almost impossible sometimes.

And I think I finally found a way to understand it.

The brain is a muscle.

Not just metaphorically in a vague, motivational way;

but in a very real, practical sense.

It responds to use, to strain, to repetition, to consistency.

And just like any muscle, it weakens when it’s not used.

For me, it’s been almost 15 years since I last truly trained this muscle in a structured, demanding way.

Of course it feels difficult now.

Of course I get tired quickly.

Of course deep focus feels unnatural.

The muscle has shrunk.

It’s been underused.

It’s overwhelmed.

But that’s not failure; that’s biology.

And muscles don’t stay weak forever.

With gentle, consistent stimulation, they wake up again.

With repetition, they adapt.

With patience, they grow.

With discipline, they flourish.

I don’t need to be perfect right now.

I don’t need to study for 8 hours straight or understand everything immediately.

I just need to show up. Again and again. A little more each time.

Because if this really is a muscle, then it also means something incredibly hopeful:

✧ Intelligence is not fixed.

✧ Knowledge is not reserved for “other people.”

✧ The gap between me and the people I admire; the ones I see as intelligent, wise, educated; is not permanent.

It’s trainable.

With enough effort, dedication, and discipline,

I can become knowledgeable.

I can become sharp.

I can build the kind of mind I’ve always admired from a distance.

This blog exists to document that process.

Not just the highlights,

but the slow growth.

The small wins.

The days where it feels hard — and I show up anyway.

This is my training log. My proof of consistency. My self-accountability.

This is Your Second Second Chance

I recently started a new job as an administrative clerk at a company working in finance, real estate, and insurance brokerage. To be completely honest: I entered this field with little to no prior knowledge about these industries. No deep understanding of insurance systems, financial structures, or the complexities of the real estate market.

And yet, somehow, my personality, willingness to learn, and my CV were enough for them to give me this opportunity.

That realization alone means a lot to me.

At the same time, it also means that the real work begins now.

After work, a large part of my evenings will probably be dedicated to studying;

reading technical literature,

learning industry terminology,

understanding processes,

and slowly filling in all the knowledge gaps I currently have.

Especially in the field of insurance, where I feel the steepest learning curve waiting for me.

It’s intimidating, but also exciting.

This blog has always been about self-study, rebuilding myself piece by piece, and documenting the uncomfortable but necessary stages of growth. This is simply another one of those stages.

✧ Right now, I am inexperienced.

✧ Right now, I ask a lot of questions.

✧ Right now, I often feel like I know nothing.

But “right now” is temporary.

A few months from now, I want to look back at this entry and see proof that consistency matters more than perfection. That competence can be built. That being new at something is not a weakness — staying unwilling to learn would be.

So here’s to long evenings with insurance textbooks, unfamiliar terminology, highlighted pages, notes everywhere, and the slow process of becoming knowledgeable in a field I never expected to enter.

Second chances sometimes arrive disguised as responsibilities.

This is Your Second Second Chance

The past explains many things. But it does not have to permanently determine how far I can still go, because my past is not a final judgment of my intellectual abilities.

I am still young. I am still alive.

I can still catch up on what I believe I missed or never learned; where there are gaps, missing knowledge, or skills and abilities I still lack.

Now. Here. Today. With what I have.

This is your second second Chance

Parallel dazu studiere ich auch selber die Malerei. In ersten Jahr meines Studiums habe ich den expressionistischen Malern begegnet.

Das dunkle Geheimnis der Taoisten

Der Weise ist den ganzen Tag auf Reisen ohne sein Haus zu verlassen. Zeitlos im eigenen Selbst Abenteuer zu erleben bleibt jenen, die sich vom Ursprung entwurzeln, verborgen.

Der Blinde, der in seinen Gedanken sich sein Haus wie in einem Bilderbuch ausmalt. Dinge, die ihm optisch verborgen bleiben, gelingen ihm zu sehen.

Der König, dem ein Leben im Reichtum die Angst jagt diesen zu verlieren und…