#secretspells

Eunwoo stopped in his tracks and gave you a weak smile. His voice was scratchy when he said, "Ok, ok, no need for violence. But give me the blankets, I'll take the couch."

"But you're sick. The bed will be more comf--"

"The couch is no place for you to sleep. If one of us has to sleep there, it should be me. I'm the one who's sick after all."

You looked skeptically at Eunwoo and tried to convince him to just take the bed, but he was being stubborn. So while Eunwoo set up his bed for the night in the living room, you went to the kitchen to make some homemade soup. When it was ready, you took it to the couch, where Eunwoo was stretched out, reading a worn book from the bookshelf.

Eunwoo grinned when he saw you. "What are you wearing?" he laughed.

"I'm not taking any chances," you said, sitting down on the edge of the couch and setting the soup and a mug of hot tea on the small table in front of you.

"So you're wearing a mask indoors? And rubber gloves?" Eunwoo asked.

You frowned at him in response, even though he could only really see your furrowed eyebrows.

"Does this mean I don't get a feel-better kiss?" he teased.

You swirled the spoon in the soup bowl before bringing a bite to Eunwoo's lips.

"If I get sick too," you said, "who's going to take care of you?"

Eunwoo blew and sipped delicately at the soup so he wouldn't burn his tongue. He gave you a long look before saying "I really wish I could touch you right now. I bet a single afternoon with you in my arms would cure me."

You rolled your eyes despite the fluttering in your chest.

"Let's just get you healthy first, okay my love?"

It took Eunwoo 5 days to feel better, which he mostly spent on the couch. Eunwoo was always helpful around the house when he was healthy, splitting all the chores with you. He liked doing a lot of the things you didn't and vice versa. But while Eunwoo was sick you happily took on all the chores for the house. It was tiring, but you were glad you had an opportunity to take care of your husband. Especially at a time when he really needed you. The one thing you couldn’t give him though, was your physical affection. You knew he was craving it, since he often commented that a hug would be the best medicine or joked that this experience would only make him more clingy once he felt better. You didn't give in; instead you gently reminded him that this was all for his benefit. A healthy partner is a better physician than a sick one. Besides, you really hated being sick.

Even so, one afternoon while Eunwoo was napping, you finished folding laundry sooner than you expected and crept over to the couch where he was. You crouched by him and watched him sleep for a long, tender moment. Gently, your hand reached out as if your entire body had a will of its own separate from your stubborn mind. You brushed some of his hair out of his face. He looked so calm. His skin no longer burned like it had the day before when his fever peaked. Finally your heart caught up to your hand.

"I miss you too, my love," you said, so quietly you barely heard your own voice.

Eunwoo stirred, grabbing your hand and holding it to his face as he turned to the other side, effectively trapping you.

"You've been awake the whole time, haven't you?" you said, exasperated and a little embarrassed.

Eunwoo just smiled and kissed your palm.

"I love you," he murmured into your skin.

"I love you too," you said quietly.

Eunwoo released you and you reluctantly left to wash your hands. He was almost back to normal, but you still couldn't risk any germs. Still, the imprint of his lips on your palm stayed long after you finished scrubbing and rinsing the soap away.

~***~

3 Days Later

Eunwoo comes home to find you on the couch, buried under a thick blanket. You have a box of tissues and the TV remote in your lap. Your head is too foggy to follow the plot of the crime drama you're watching, but it doesn't matter much because it's a rerun of an episode you've seen already anyway.

"What's wrong?" Eunwoo asks, immediately concerned. He doesn't even take off his shoes before rushing to your side.

"I think I'm coming down with something," you say miserably. Eunwoo frowns and puts his hand to your forehead. He doesn't even tell you if it feels hot or not, just springs into action. After shuffling out of his shoes and coat, he takes your temperature and asks if you've taken medicine yet.

"I did," you confirm.

Eunwoo leaves to make dinner while you pick up any stray tissues that have fallen to the floor. In the kitchen, he finds a packet of instant miso and a bowl of microwave rice. Next to it are two cups of his favorite instant ramen. You had told him when he was still sick that you'd saved them for him to enjoy when he got better. He shook his head and smiled. You had been too tired to make the food, but you still put everything out on the counter to make it easier for him. He turned on the stove and set some water to boil.

That night, after you've finished your soup and taken another dose of medicine, you take some extra blankets and begin spreading them out on the couch. You want to have enough layers since this will be your bed tonight. You've just tucked yourself in when Eunwoo approaches, frowning down at you.

"What are you doing?" he says.

"I -- I'm sleeping here tonight. You take the bed. Keep my germs away from you," you explain with a smile.

"Absolutely not," Eunwoo says and moves to scoop you up, planning to carry you bridal style to the bedroom.

"Put me down! It's only fair. Whoever is sick sleeps on the couch. It's for safety! For health!"

"I already have the antibodies remember? I'm immune."

"You're going to trap us in an endless cycle of colds," you huff.

Eunwoo gently places you back on the couch and kneels beside you. He scrunches his eyes shut and pinches his nose for a moment before looking up.

"I really can't convince you to come to the bedroom with me?" he asks.

"Not tonight," you smile sadly. "Once I feel better I'm all yours again."

Eunwoo sighs heavily and fondly moves some of the hair from your face. He kisses your forehead and says goodnight. You watch him walk slowly down the hall to your bedroom. At the end of the hall he turns to look at you and laughs when he finds you already watching him. You blow him a kiss which he catches and presses to his heart.

The room is still dark when your eyes flutter open. Your cold must have made your sleep more fitful than usual because the stillness of the room made it seem like it was still the middle of the night. You turn your head to search for the glass of water you left on the coffee table only to be startled by a dark, lumpy shape on the ground. Looking closer, you realize it's your husband, sleeping on a mat.

"Eunwoo," you hiss, nudging him. He mumbles incomprehensibly. You try again to wake him and are more successful this time. He sits up, some of his hair sticking up adorably before floating back down in place.

"What?" he mumbles, "You okay?"

"What are you doing here?" you ask.

Eunwoo grins, still half asleep. He takes your hand and holds it tightly with both of his own. "You said the sick person sleeps on the couch. You didn't make any rules for the healthy person."

You roll your eyes, at a loss for words. If he wasn't being so adorable right now, and if you weren’t still sick, you'd be much angrier at this convenient twisting of your words. Eunwoo slumps back down, still holding your hand, which forces you to lay down too.

You peer down at him and whisper, "Go sleep in the bed. It's more comfortable."

He shakes his head. "Just let me stay with you. I'm a safe distance from you down here."

You hesitate for a moment before giving in.

"Ok. But if you get sick again I'm calling your mom to take care of you and going on vacation."

It's a completely hollow threat. You fall asleep still holding hands and after 4 more days of medicine and Eunwoo's living room sleepovers, you're healthy enough to go back to the clean sheets of your bedroom. Both of you are finally past your colds (Eunwoo had caught some sniffles from you but he was right -- he did still have enough residual antibodies that they subsided after a day). But as you finally lay in Eunwoo's arms, a new heaviness begins to settle in your chest.

You look up at him and ask, "Did you feel bad when I made you sleep alone? And I didn't join you in the living room?"

"What? No," your husband reassures you.

"But you stayed with me even when I was sick."

Eunwoo considers this for a moment, before saying "It's not a competition or a transaction. I love you for who you are, and I think we just express our love for each other in different ways. As long as we both feel loved at the end of the day, it's not a bad thing."

"Are you sure?"

"Well..." a mischievous smile plays on Eunwoo's lips, although you can't see it with your face still buried in his chest. "Maybe I am a little hurt. Do you want to make it up to me?" he asks.

You look up sharply. "Yes, of course!"

"Then I want to be the little spoon tonight."

He's about to get up and get the whiskey bottle for another pour. His phone buzzes. He expects yet another text from one of his hyungs checking up on him, but to his surprise, it's Laroi. He'll be in Korea for a few days on business and he's asking to meet up and get drinks. They had met, along with some of the other big names in the music industry, at an international gala a few months ago. Jungkook had spent most of the night with his hyungs and with Laroi and Central Cee. He really liked the two rappers' vibes and had been thinking they would sound good on a song together. Jungkook had promised to treat Laroi to a meal next time they saw each other. Jungkook pauses for a long moment before replying. He doesn't feel like going out and seeing friends, not when there's still this constant, bleeding hole in his chest in the shape of you. He looks around the room, which has gotten so messy that he hasn't been able to film a Live here in weeks. Thankfully his hyungs have been covering for him. His other friends have been trying too. Eunwoo and Yugyeom came over with beer and fried chicken just last weekend as a bribe to get him to do laundry. They made him put his clothes away while they loaded the dishwasher and vacuumed for him. Jungkook didn't know if he was more grateful or guilty for the help. But he hadn't cleaned since they left and it was starting to unravel again. Maybe hanging out with Laroi wasn't such a bad idea after all. Maybe it would help him at least pretend to be normal again, even if he doesn't feel like himself yet. With the whiskey buzzing in his brain, he replies, joking that maybe Cench could come to dinner too. To his surprise, Laroi is into it. He promises to text Cench too and see if they could get a reunion planned. Jungkook smiles for the first time in weeks. Maybe he doesn't need another drink tonight after all. He pours himself some lemon water instead and heads off to get ready for bed.

***

You hadn't planned to break up with Jungkook that day. And yet, the moment the words left your lips, you realized you had been thinking about it for a while. In the moment, you knew it was the right decision. But the aftermath brought up doubts. At first you felt heartbroken, but slightly relieved. No more worries about paparazzi or the threat of crazed fans finding out you exist and filling your inbox with hate messages or death threats or both. That only lasted for about 2 days. Then, the end of your relationship began to really sink in. You began to feel the weight of Jungkook's missing ‘good morning’ and ‘good night’ texts. You missed his scent lingering in your sheets, your hair. You missed hearing his voice. No matter the circumstances of the relationship, it turned out that heartbreak was always equally devastating.

The fight had started when he asked why you weren't going to stay the night. How could you explain it to him without hurting him -- how it felt to wake up in his arms knowing this was the zenith of what you could wish for. You talked about marriage, and a home with a big yard for Bam, and picking out your dishware together, and growing old and happy by each other's side. But his arms were still the only place you weren't a secret. The world could never see you; as far as everyone else knew, you didn't exist at all. With his schedule, spending the night was itself a luxury. You talked on the phone often and he sent little gifts to your door, but you couldn't demand his time. He belonged to his career more than you. 

It had been 5 years of this, and you knew going into your relationship that it wasn't going to be easy dating someone so famous. Jungkook had to ask you out three times before you even agreed, because you couldn't believe he actually wanted to go out with you. Your first date was a rare occasion when you actually went out in public. Jungkook rented out an entire restaurant so you could enjoy a nice meal together. Then he had his driver discreetly take you to the Han river and met you there in a separate car. You took his hand as he led you onto the private boat he'd hired for the evening. The windows had been tinted, but otherwise it looked like the other tourist cruises on the river. The scenery was so beautiful that night as Jungkook hugged you from behind and rested his chin on your shoulder. You were both facing the window. The glittering lights of the city sparkled, indifferent to your boyfriend's position, and you knew even then that you should savor this moment. It was rare for him to be anonymous or even relaxed in the middle of the city, but for that moment on the boat you felt that the two of you were deliciously unknown and unseen by the world. He squeezed you a little tighter, brought you a little closer even though you were already pressed against him. The world didn't have to know him, as long as you did.

~

Dates out in public like that first one were rare, and only became less frequent with time. The line between Jungkook-your-boyfriend and Jungkook-the-idol began to blur. You liked him best when he was just the boy-next-door who had harbored a secret crush on you since you were in high school together. The one who you’d lost touch with for a few years in adolescence only to reunite when you were older and more capable of a mature, lasting kind of love. Your boyfriend asked you questions about your favorite topics just so he could learn from you and listen to the passion in your voice. Your boyfriend remembered your favorite flowers. Your boyfriend liked to crack jokes with you until both your stomachs hurt from laughing. The idol forgot the names of your coworkers and friends and cut video calls short. You couldn’t even blame him or be angry when this happened -- usually he called in between rehearsals or after long days when he needed sleep more than anything. It was a lose-lose situation, but you loved him enough to endure it. Really, after 5 years, all you wanted was to know that you could build your life with him. You both talked about it all the time; you knew he wanted it just as much as you did, if not more. And yet, it was always a 'someday' dream. Someday, when he was ready to retire, to move away from the spotlight and into an older and more refined kind of fame. When the world could handle knowing you existed. 

When you tried to talk this through with Jungkook, you could never find the right words. You’d ask for longer video calls when he was on tour, or mention how you felt more distant from him than usual, but you couldn’t bring up how his career really impacted you. It felt like you were circling the issue but couldn’t find a way to explain the real problem. Jungkook tried his best to comfort you anyway by saying how grateful he was for you and that he understood. The limelight came with compromises and he knew that better than anyone. It was hard for him too, being exhausted from his demanding job, or having to deal with sasaengs lurking outside his building on the way home, or seeing the tabloid articles that went a step too far. He had good intentions -- he wanted to prove he understood how overwhelmed you must feel -- but after 5 years, it didn't feel compassionate anymore. It felt like a competition of grievances, one you could never win.

Eventually, you brought up problems in the relationship less and less, not wanting to lose him but also not wanting to repeat the same conversation, the same complaints, over and over again without a satisfying response. The romance faded too, as you left the house together less and less. You went to the other member's houses or he came to your place on occasion. Sometimes you traveled together and booked a separate room under your name which felt like a change of scenery. But no matter which four walls, your relationship gradually became confined to just that boxed shape of a singular room. It seemed befitting: you loved him too much to leave, but sitting in the stale air, you longed to open a window. 

That last night, you just couldn't stay. You were so tired, having realized the truth that you hadn’t wanted to see before: he had too much on his plate to give you any more of himself, any more love than he did already. You often thought wistfully about your first date. What had happened to that version of your boyfriend? Recently even when you suggested going to a secluded mountain cabin for a weekend trip, or going to a podunk seaside town for a day trip, he gave you excuses about how it would be better and easier to just stay in the safety and privacy of his house. Instead of the loft in Seoul, you could go to his country house, but it felt the same to you either way. It felt like, at some point, he had just stopped making an effort in your relationship. The day of the breakup, you were restless before you even got to his place. How could you leave the next morning, hood up, face covered by sunglasses and a mask, scanning nervously for paparazzi and good hiding spots, and still daydream about the life you wanted to build with him? How could you believe in the future when the present was so...fragile?

At first, he planned to just host Cench and Laroi at his place. It would give him a good excuse to clean up the place and he could make garlic steak and fried rice on his mini grill. There would be beer and soju, a vinyl on the record player, and he’d set up the purple lights to give the room a similar feel to a private lounge at a nightclub. It wouldn’t be too different from the way he would set things up for date nights with you, actually. The thought feels like a punch to the gut. He decides a night out is a better idea. He knows he wouldn’t be interested in picking up any of the girls on the dancefloor, or even having a casual encounter at a room salon; but dinner with a great view of Seoul doesn’t sound too bad. He books the private rooftop lounge at his favorite club, one that knows how to handle elite clients with discretion, and sends the address in the group chat.

Luckily Cench and Laroi provide a good distraction. They're hungry when they show up and the drinks start flowing as one waiter sets up hotpot and another brings several plates of expensive meat. The other two boys are impatient as they wait for Jungkook to grill the galbi, but joke around with him as if this is the hundredth time they’ve done this together instead of the first. Two bottles of soju later, the boys are feeling loose and Jungkook is surprised to learn that Laroi recently went through a breakup too.

"The first month was the hardest. I would lay in my room and just think about her. Just, like, replay all our memories together. But then I saw her again because I had to return some of her stuff. And when we met, I realized we weren't going to get back together. I didn't even know I'd been hoping for that until I also realized it was already too late," he confesses.

"Fuck man, you deserve another drink," Cench says, opening a third bottle of soju and grabbing a can of beer. Jungkook had started the feast by showing them how to make maekju.

"But then what?" Jungkook redirects the conversation back to the breakup. He wants to know Laroi's secret. How can he talk about a past love without letting his devastation show?

"When I realized it was really the end for us, it was like everything clicked into place. I started feeling all the anger I'd pushed down and I started doing kickboxing at the gym. I wrote a bunch of songs. I can only use like, 20% of the lyrics but it was good to just get it on paper. I started hanging out with friends more, people I trust. And then after a while I started to feel better."

"You can't rush the process," Cench added and nodded sagely.

"I still love her, honestly," Laroi added, "I miss her sometimes but I've accepted that I have to move on -- for the most part. There's still a devil on my shoulder, I just listen to him less."

It was then that Jungkook told them about the breakup. It felt good to talk it out once more, to comb through the painful details with their fresh eyes and ears.

"You have to find out if it's really the end or not," Laroi said. "You haven't talked to her since that night, right? If you want her back you have to know if it's even possible or not. That knowledge will free you, man."

"I don't know if I could take it if she says no. And if she does want to get back together, it's not like I'll be less famous. What if she leaves again?" Jungkook said.

Cench cut in. "You can't worry about all that. She knew you before you were famous, yeah? I've seen how people switch up on you when you get big, but usually they want to be with you more, not less."

"So...what are you saying?" Jungkook's eyebrows furrowed.

"Maybe you being famous wasn't the issue. She knew what she was getting into when you started dating and she did it anyway."

"But why else would she end things?"

Cench shrugged. "I dunno. I think you kind of have to be a bit delusional to fall in love in the first place. Feelings are irrational, you can't solve them with logic."

Laroi picked up his glass and tapped it against the other rapper's, a small 'cheers' of agreement.

Cench continued, "Sometimes relationships are on and off. Trust me, I know. Love is complicated, and it’s only more complicated when one of you’s famous. To be honest, I don’t think any of us really understand it so you just gotta do what feels right. Don’t be so hard on yourself."

The room got quiet. It was a little odd, hearing such wisdom from the trap boy in the room. After all, Cench had a gangster image (and a fuckboy one too, honestly) to maintain, but Jungkook smiled a little, remembering the few heartsick tracks he had heard from him too. All the sincere lyrics about community, hardship, and love embedded in his albums about money and crime. Those vulnerable lines proved there was a soft heart beating in Cench's chest.

"I...actually feel better," Jungkook says. "Should we have dessert?"

~

Later, after the other two boys left to hit the dancefloor at another nightclub, Jungkook sits on the floor of his living room looking at the lights of Seoul which shine just outside his window. Both Laroi and Cench had had plenty of girlfriends in the past, he reasons, so they would probably have sound advice from experience alone. Not that he’s a stranger to dating either, but it had been different with you. It had been serious enough with you that he had dared to dream of a forever together. You had felt safe enough for him to believe you'd stay even after his looks and fame faded. He replays your last fight in his head, trying to pinpoint the key to your unhappiness. If he can just figure out what you had really been trying to tell him, he could fix it. He idly gathers the trash that had begun to accumulate again, sorts out the recycling, and throws the rest away. Maybe he just needs to talk to you one more time. Whatever hope or pride he lost would be tolerable; the pain couldn't be worse than watching you walk out of his life had been.

***

Hearing a knock on your door is weird, but the man you see in the peephole is even weirder. He's in all black, with a baseball cap covering his eyes and a mask covering the rest of his face. He's holding a pizza, but you didn't order delivery. You frown and turn away, hoping he'll think you're not home, but he knocks again. You leave the chain on the door as you crack it open.

"I didn't order any--" you begin, before realizing who it is. His scent hits you like a wave, that cologne mixed with his musk in a way that used to make you want to crawl in his lap whenever you caught a whiff of it.

"Please?" he asks quietly. "Just give me long enough to share this pizza. If you want to throw me out after that, I won't --" he pauses, but his voice still breaks when he finishes his sentence. "I won't put up a fight."

You contemplate for a long moment before sighing and undoing the chain latch and opening the door. As if you could turn him away. Yeah right. You invite him in and he follows you to the kitchen like it's any other date night. You grab cups and pour your usual drinks for the two of you. When you turn back around, Jungkook is pulling plates out of the cabinet. Tears prick your eyes, seeing how familiar your kitchen is to him. You sit at the table and an awkwardness settles around your shoulders. You clear your throat and pull a slice from the box onto your plate. You ask if something happened to him, worried he’s hurt. When he confirms he’s okay, you feel your heartbeat slow to a normal pace. You try to make small talk while you both eat, still unsure why Jungkook is even here and waiting for him to make the first move. Hearing your voice washes over Jungkook like rain after a long drought. You’re only talking about a recent local news story, but he savors every word. Finally, towards the end of the meal, he knows he’s running out of time. The moment has come to speak.

"Thanks for dinner," you say quietly. 

"Of course." After a slight pause, he says, "I don't want to waste any more of your time, so I'll just say what I came here for. If you had the chance to do our relationship over again, would you?"

His eyes look nervously into yours, hopeful but unsteady. You finish chewing the last bite slowly to buy some time. 

Finally you say honestly, "I would. I'd rather have my heart broken by you 100 times than never know you."

Jungkook lets out a long-held breath. "Let's get back together."

"What? No. You can't just -- I can't --"

"Do you still love me? Because I still love you. The past few months have been unbearable."

"I do still love you, but it's not that simple. It's not enough to love each other, relationships take a lot of work. And I think right now, with your career...I don't want you to feel more pressure because of me. I don't want to be another compromise you have to make. It's better to end it, and then you don't have to choose between idol Jungkook and boyfriend Jungkook."

Jungkook paused for a long moment. You wiped your hands on your napkin and took a sip of your drink, trying to push back the tears before they spilled out. Breaking up with him the first time had been bad enough. 

Finally he spoke. "Do you know what really bothered me in that last fight? When you said I would always be bigger than you. There shouldn't be an idol versus a boyfriend in front of you. I should always just be Jungkook with you. I'm yours angel, just yours."

"I know that. I don't see you as, like, a celebrity, but it's hard to ignore your job. Especially when it starts to impact our relationship. When you're stressed, I feel so helpless, because your world is so unfamiliar to me. I want to help but I don’t know how. Maybe it would be better if I worked in the same industry."

"I don't want to date another idol," Jungkook says, taking your hands, "I want you."

You look down at your hands clasped in his. "It's easy to say all this now that we're not together, but I always felt exhausted after talking about issues with you. Like I was on a tightrope, trying to communicate with you in a healthy way but also trying not to be too difficult and add to your stress."

"We're supposed to be equal partners, Y/N. I should have done a better job being a safe place for you too, just like you always were for me. I see that now."

You look up, trying to measure the sincerity in his face. His eyes are trained on your hands, still entwined with his.

"I thought you were upset because I couldn't take you on a normal date, or because tour would force us to go long-distance so much. We couldn’t do what other couples do so easily," he starts again, "but I’ve thought about the end of our relationship for months now and I think I finally understand what you meant. I would always be bigger than you, not just because of fame, but because my career and my needs would always seem bigger than yours. It's my fault for making you feel that way, and I’m so sorry. If you come back to me, I promise I'll do everything I can to make you see how much you matter to me. Your wants and needs in this relationship are important, no matter how big or small."

A quiet tear rolls down his cheek, and your heart breaks again, realizing how much pain he's been in. To be honest, your resolve against him has been waning for weeks now. There's a draft in your notes app, asking him to meet up. You pull your hands out of his and cup his face instead. He looks into your eyes.

"It's not all your fault," you say. "We made this mess together. Let's mend it together too. I should have figured out a way to be more direct and honest about what I was feeling. I should have trusted you and your love more, to stay with me through both the easy and the hard stuff. I'm sorry too."

Another tear slips out, and soon both of you are crying together and kissing through the tears. 

“Don’t ever leave me again,” he says between kisses. 

“I’m yours,” you promise. “Always.”

Jungkook pulls you into his lap, unable to withstand any more distance from you. He stands, still holding you, and carries you to your bedroom.

~

That night, you feel your muscles relax in a way they haven't been able to in months. You're kicking yourself for ever thinking there was a better place to be than Jungkook's arms. He nuzzles your hair as you lay on his bare chest, tired in the best way after the make-up sex. As usual, Jungkook spoke the best through body language, and his movements had communicated all the longing and desperation he'd felt during your time apart. His chest rumbled under your ear as he spoke now, something about how this experience would make for a good song.

"I even have an idea for who to feature on it. But what should I call it?"

You don't answer. Instead, you prop yourself up on your elbow to look at him. You'd missed his smile so much. His eyes flutter open as you trace his jawline. Abruptly he grabs you by the waist and flips you on your back again.

"I'll think of a title later," he says, a mischievous grin on his lips. "Right now I'm ready for round two. We have a lot of lost time to make up for."

He kisses along your neck. "Is it too much?" he asks, "are you too tired for more tonight?"

You had started work at 8 today, per usual. You knew it was going to be a long day, but your last meeting went 30 minutes over time, and then you still had a few things to wrap up before you could leave. You liked your job, but days like these made you wonder if you should look for something else. It wasn’t even the work, or your immediate team or projects. You loved what you did at the publishing house, but you were still overworked and underpaid, and the hunger in your stomach was making your shoes seem to pinch even more. All together, you were starting to question every life decision you ever made.

There was one decision you felt certain of though, and that was Eunwoo. Since you met eight years ago, and got married three years ago, you've never regretted meeting him. You felt indescribably lucky to have met your soulmate in this lifetime, and to be able to spend every day together now for the rest of your lives. It is the thought of going home to Eunwoo which helps you keep it together on the train.

It's only a 20 minute commute, and soon you're walking up the steps to your apartment. You use your key to unlock the door and enter. As you step through the door, the sound of cooking and instrumental guitar fills the air. Eunwoo was cooking to his favorite relaxation playlist. You set down your bag and took off your coat. Once you were settled and more comfortable you called out in a teasing voice, "Honey, I'm home!"

Eunwoo's voice called back, "Oh, how I missed you, darling!" in it's usual '50s-sitcom cadence. This was your little joke together, though you couldn't remember anymore how it got started. Eunwoo added, "Go freshen up and then come to the kitchen. I left comfy clothes for you on the bed."

"You’re the best!" you call out as you walk down the hall. You don't even get to the bedroom, heading directly to the bathroom instead. You take a quick shower, the water rinsing off all the stress of the day and taking it down the drain. You wrap yourself in a towel and rush to the bedroom. You were expecting some fuzzy socks to be waiting for you on the bed. Instead, Eunwoo has laid out a full lounge set, complete with your skincare bottles laying next to it. There's even a note which directs you to the nightstand, where a hot cup of tea and a few biscuits wait for you. Eunwoo must have known you would be hungry. The sight of it was almost enough to make you cry. You loved this man more than you could express with words alone. You get dressed, eat the cookies, and do your usual post-shower routine. You return the towel and skincare bottles to their appropriate places and stroll into the kitchen where Eunwoo is bent over the stove in black sweatpants and a plain white t-shirt. Your heart melts a little. He looked as good to you dressed up as he did in his pajamas. He said the same thing about you, even if you didn't believe him.

You walk up to Eunwoo and hug him from behind, hands gliding up his broad chest as you rest your cheek against his back. You feel his hands wrap around yours and the rumble in his chest as he speaks.

"Miss me?"

"More than you know," you reply. "Thank you for laying out all the clothes and stuff. You're so good to me."

Eunwoo turns to face you, wrapping his arms around your waist.

"How else should I treat my spouse?" he asks, smiling at you.

"Touché," you say, before pulling him close for a hug. You speak with your cheek pressed into his chest, "I just had a really long day. But it all gets better when I know I'm coming home to you."

Eunwoo traced soft, soothing lines on your back as he held you close. His voice rumbled beneath your ear. "Returning to you is one of my favorite parts of the day too."

You stay like that for a moment, recharging in each other's arms before Eunwoo remarks that you must be hungry. The tea and biscuits had tided you over, but you definitely were ready for something more filling now. Eunwoo plates dinner as you pour drinks for the two of you. When you sit to eat, you realize he's made your favorite meal, which makes you smile.

Eunwoo notices you pause and says, "I hope you like it."

"I'm sure I will. Thank you again."

You dig into the food, and the two of you talk about your days; drama from the office and what your friends have been up to, but also what you've been reading and what you've been thinking about as the world continues to move around you two.

You're almost done with the meal when you say, "After we finish eating, we can have the ice cream in the fridge for dessert. And I'll handle washing the dishes."

"Oh that's alright -- "

"No, I want to. I'm sure you've also had a long day. I want to take care of you too."

Eunwoo's mouth formed a thin, conflicted line.

"I love you Eunwoo. Let me wash the dishes."

Hearing this makes Eunwoo smile, and he reaches for your hand on the table.

"Alright. I love you too, Y/N".

~~~

A few hours later, everything is quiet, except the churning inside the dishwasher as it starts its wash cycle. You've finally shut off the tap to the kitchen sink and you dry your clean hands on a towel before pulling out a bowl from the cupboard, which you fill with ice cream, and two spoons. You glide down the hall to your bedroom, bowl in hand. Eunwoo lays in bed, leaning against the headboard and tuning his guitar while he waits for you. You sit on the bedspread and hand him a spoon. He puts the guitar away. You sit facing each other as you finish off the ice cream together. Then you lean over the empty bowl and kiss him.

"Your lips are so cold," you say, "and sweet."

"Is that a good thing?" he asks.

You set the empty bowl and the spoons on your bedside table before replying. "Yes. It's good. I like it."

"Then kiss me again," he says. So you do.

You sigh. To make matters worse, your boyfriend looks good in anything he wears, especially suits, and will be killer in the pinstripes he's wearing tonight. He has all the charm of Jack Skellington, but you aren't sure you quite match him like Sally matched her beau. You smooth the dress down one last time and take a deep breath. It doesn't matter how it looks. You want to have fun tonight, and that would be your focus. You grab your purse and head to the living room where Changkyun, already in costume, is waiting.

"Does the costume look weird?" you ask as you walk in.

Changkyun turns to look at you. The way the suit hangs on his frame makes you weak in the knees.

A variety of emotions pass over his face, surprise, awe, hesitation, before he settles on a frown. He beckons you closer.

"Now that you mention it, something does look wrong," he says.

"What is it?" you ask, looking down anxiously at the dress for the imperfection he sees. Changkyun places his hand under your chin and lifts your face to look at him.

"You're still wearing it," he smirks, before kissing you so deeply it elicits an involuntary moan.

"Like that?" he whispers against your lips, teasing.

"Yes," you give in.

He quickly lifts you up, a hand under each thigh pulling them apart to wrap around him. Instinctively you wrap your arms around his neck and he and gently lays you down on the couch, blocking your exit route with his body. He starts to take off his jacket.

"Wait, wait," you laugh, your thoughts finally catching up to you, "Not that I don't want this, I do, but -- What about the party?"

Changkyun's hands stutter at the buttons he's undoing on his dress shirt.

"We'll just be fashionably late."

***

At the party, you get compliments on your costume. The added wrinkles really gave the dress some realism. You blush, thinking of how Kyun had picked it up off the floor to hand to you after bringing you a warm towel to clean yourself with. You try to accept the compliment graciously nonetheless.

When you finally arrive at the party, it's in full swing. You've touched up your makeup, and Changkyun's, so well that no one can even tell how smudged it had gotten from melting with the sweat and heat of your passion as your boyfriend fucked into you. You'd pulled the wig and cap off before you really started, worried they would get messed up. Your hair filled with static as Kyun knelt by your heat, his tongue alternately licking up your slit and dipping in, then moving to suck on your clit until you squirmed. Once he had you wet enough, you changed positions. After a few gentle pulls on his dick to prepare him, you sat in his lap, easing his dick into you. Kyun groaned and tilted his head back as he felt you on him. He liked to dig his fingers into your hair when you fucked like this, guiding your head as he kissed you hard and using his other arm to push your hips deeper into him. He moved his lips down your neck and to your breasts, feeling you pulse around his cock every time he hit a sweet spot. He marked you with hickeys in places only he would see. Only he would be allowed to see. You moaned and pleaded as he drew out the foreplay, refusing to thrust into you just yet. You rocked your hips against him and clenched, getting desperate for any kind of friction, any release. But he was stubborn. He used you to tease himself out until he couldn’t wait any more and finally lifted you off his lap and pushed you down onto the couch. Entering you again, he started fucking you slow and deep as your moans grew louder. He gradually picked up the pace, the upholstery scratching your back until he came, pulling out and spilling on your tits and stomach. He kissed down your body, returning his attention to your already sensitive clit to help you reach your high too. He kept his mouth on you as he slid his fingers in, a much gentler intrusion than his dick had been. He curled them to hit your g-spot and set a comfortable rhythm that had you writhing.

"Is my pretty girl going to cum for me?" he asked in his deep voice, which tipped you over the edge.

The memory of it made your face burn during the whole ride over to the party. Thankfully it was too dark in the car for Changkyun to see.

Feeling your boyfriend's Cheshire-cat grin on you, you turn to him as the people you'd been talking to leave for the punch bowl.

"What?" you ask.

Changkyun leans in close to your ear, so only you can hear him. His deep voice sends a shiver of electricity up your spine.

"You know the dress is coming off again as soon as we get home right?"

Because of your morning delays, the rest of your schedule was completely messed up. Your boss had emailed you at 9 PM the night before, requesting a report that was still laying, only half-finished, on your desk. It wasn’t supposed to be due until next week. While your boss understood this, the stakeholders didn't. Either they didn't know, or they didn't care. Either way, you found yourself rushing from one meeting to the next, scrambling to finish the report in between so it would be ready by the end of the day when your boss needed it. You also skipped lunch, which didn't help. 

Around 2 PM, when you were feeling most cranky, you went to hide in the bathroom for a few minutes and have a little cry. How had you ended up here? you thought, leaning your forehead against the cool metal of the stall door. You brushed aside your tears and took out your phone. Seeing your lockscreen, a picture of you and your boyfriend Moonbin, made you smile. If anyone could make this day a little better, it would be him. You texted him to tell him you're having an awful day. No details, but just being able to say it to someone who cares about you made you feel better. He was supposed to pick you up after work anyway. You just had to make it a few more hours and then you would get to see him.

Binnie's reply comes quickly, asking if you've eaten anything. When you tell him that you haven't, you receive a string of red-faced angry emojis and a directive to eat immediately. You sniffle and smile, finally feeling ready to leave the stall and finish your work day. On the way back to your desk, you stop by the vending machine in the break room and buy a snack. Bin was right, after all. You needed to eat.

~~~

When it's time to leave you practically fly out to Binnie's car, which patiently waits for you across the parking lot. Moonbin grins at you through the window, unlocking the car with a triumphant click. You throw your bag in the backseat and slide in, bursting with joy to see him. You survived the day. You were with someone you loved, and who loved you. It was going to be okay. 

Bin backs out of the parking lot as you vent to him about your day, filling him in on all the miserable details that had been weighing you down. As soon as you told him though, his little reactions -- hums of disapproval & comments in support of you & reminders that you were only a human being doing their best -- made you feel lighter. He drives with one hand, placing the other on the middle console, palm up. When you place your hand on top, his fingers lace with yours, holding your hand securely in his own. You finish your story of the day and look out the window, finally noticing your surroundings.

"This isn't the way home," you say, giving your boyfriend a questioning look.

"You're right. We need to make a quick surprise stop," he replies.

He pulls into a grocery store parking lot and turns the car off.

"Stay right here," he says before heading into the store. You almost follow him, but you were so exhausted that you adjust your seat and lay back instead. Reclined, you scroll on your phone until your boyfriend returns a few minutes later. You readjust the seat to sit up again and looked at him quizzically. He was sitting with his purchase in his lap, the plastic bag hiding the contents.

He looks at you. "One day, when we live together, we won't have to do this in my car. There won't be roommates to worry about. But since we're still getting there, this is the best I can do for now."

He unwraps the item in his lap to reveal a small cake in your favorite flavor. He reaches in the bag to pull out a box of plastic cutlery and takes two forks from it, handing one to you.

Then he continues, "You seemed like you needed a good cry, and maybe some cake. This won't fix everything, but I hope it makes you feel a little better. You’re always telling me that it’s okay to let myself feel sad, and that you’ll stay by my side until the storm passes. Now it’s my turn. If you need to cry, then go ahead. It's good for you!"

He pulls the plastic cover off the cake and holds it out to you.

You look at him incredulously. How did you end up with someone so wonderful? It's this thought -- this catharsis -- that finally breaks you open. All day you had felt so alone in your discomfort, like you were falling and afraid and no one had even noticed. But your safety net was always there, steady  the way it was supposed to be.

The tears come, but the crying feels too good to stop. With tears still rolling down your cheeks, you smile at Moonbin and tell him you love him. Then you dig into the cake, the salty taste of your tears melting into sweet frosting.

"It's time to get up my love," he said. You shook your head. Eunwoo smoothed the mussed hair out of your face and kissed your forehead before gently rolling you off him. He got up, tucked you in, and went to go get ready. You heard the bathroom door click closed a moment later. How odd, he didn't mention anything, you thought. It is early. Maybe he's still waking up too. You reached for your phone to scroll for a bit before getting out of bed. There were already a few birthday messages. The first one was from your best friend, who texted you at 12:01 AM. The next was from your parent(s), who woke up early and texted you at 5:11 AM. You reply to each message and smile, knowing you will see them over the weekend.  You wonder how you will celebrate later in the day with Eunwoo. Maybe a romantic dinner at a 5-star restaurant, or a date at the aquarium, or both! And of course, ending the evening with your favorite activity; drinking wine and falling asleep in Eunwoo's arms.

When your third alarm went off at 6:30, you climbed out of bed. Eunwoo was already in the kitchen, since he usually had to leave for work a little earlier than you. You usually got about 10 minutes with him before he had to head out the door in the mornings. Still, if your anniversary was on a week day, he liked to make breakfast for you and keep it ready as a small treat, even if it was something simple like toast.

"Good morning," you said, walking into the kitchen after finishing the first part of your morning routine. Eunwoo looked up from his phone, where you knew he was scrolling through the day's headlines. His other hand was wrapped around a cup of coffee.

"Good morning. You look nice today, that's a good outfit," he replied.

"Are you saying I don't look nice most days?" you teased.

"You try harder some days than others," he grinned. You widened your eyes at him in mock offense. He laughed, "But you know you're always beautiful to me."

"Yeah, yeah. Well. I'm glad you like the outfit," you said.

You had chosen what you wanted to wear for your birthday last night. A special outfit for a special day. Eunwoo didn't seem to quite make the connection though; he had gone back to sipping his coffee. You looked at the table. No toast.

"I'm so sorry but I have to get going," Eunwoo interrupted your thoughts.

"Already? But--"

"I'll see you for dinner, alright?" he smiled at you and kissed your forehead.

When he left, you ate a bowl of cereal and avoided looking at the toaster.

***

You couldn't concentrate at work. As soon as you walked in, it felt like you got happy birthday wishes from everyone who crossed your path, even your boss. When you got to your desk there was a card waiting for you, signed by all your coworkers. Around lunch, you checked your phone and saw mesaages from all your friends. But there wasn't a single text from Eunwoo.

You ate in the breakroom with your work bestie, Jo, who had brought you a cupcake from the bakery next door. It was a nice bakery, and they always made delicious specialty flavors. Your appreciated the gesture, but your heart wasn't in it as you picked at the dessert.

"What's wrong?" Jo asked.

"It's Eunwoo. He's been weird all day," you replied.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, he hasn't said happy birthday to me yet."

"What? Did he give you a present at least?"

"No. He's been acting like it's a totally normal day. I think he forgot."

"How could he forget your birthday? That's fucked up."

"He's been really busy at work lately, maybe it just slipped his mind," you instantly defend.

"You don't just forget your partner's birthday, especially when you've been together--" Jo paused. "How many years has it been?"

"Five."

"Right, five years."

You were both silent for a moment. Jo said abruptly, "What if you text him and give him a gentle reminder? Maybe he just doesn't realize the date and needs some prompting."

You agree that this could be a possibility and pull out your phone.

You: Love, did you eat lunch yet?

Eunwoo: I'm eating now :) u?

You: Same. Jo brought me a cupcake today

Eunwoo: That's nice, what a good friend

You: Yeah, especially because today's a special day. Do you...remember what today is?

Eunwoo: Friday?

You made a frustrated noise as you put your phone back on the table, leaving Eunwoo on read. Jo looked at you with alarm.

"He really forgot huh?" they asked.

You nodded. "I don't know how much more of this I can take."

***

After a long, busy day at the office, you got into your car, looked down at your phone, and tried not to cry. Nothing unusual had happened at work; in fact, everyone had been really nice. But still, you had to take a few deep breaths to steady yourself before rereading Eunwoo's latest texts. It was an unfamiliar address and then another message underneath, saying "I'm at this address and my ride fell through. Can you come get me?"

This wouldn't normally be a problem. But Eunwoo still hadn't acknowledged your birthday in any way. On top of that, he had told he had to work late, even though it was a Friday. You sighed as you felt the tears threaten to spill out again. Maybe he didn't love you anymore. Maybe this was his way of saying it.

You took a deep breath and squared your shoulders. This was no time to cry. You set off in your car to go pick him up. On the drive, your thoughts alternated between what you wanted to eat later and the past five years with Eunwoo. Your first date had been a picnic; he had packed the basket to include homemade sandwiches, cucumbers and dip, chips, chocolate covered strawberries, and a bottle of your favorite wine. You had been so nervous while getting ready for the date; you still couldn't believe Eunwoo had asked you out in the first place. But when he came to pick you up, he gave you a sweet, warm smile as soon as he saw you. It was so genuine and comforting that you immediately felt more at ease. Since then, you had come a long way as a couple. In the early months you had been shy around him, scared that if you made the wrong move he would realize he didn't actually like you. He was unwavering though and his loyalty and adoration put you at ease. Eunwoo wanted the two of you to exist together without shame, just like you did. You stopped being as self conscious about how you looked around him, though you still dressed up for date nights and special occasions. You ate messier foods together and became more integrated into each other's lives: the easy parts, the harder parts, the happy parts, the messy parts, even the embarassing parts, all of it. For your 3-year anniversary Eunwoo had given you a key to the new apartment he wanted to move into with you. You accepted, added your name to the lease, and had woken up in his arms for the last two years.

You drove past the building where your cousin had held her wedding reception two years ago. You had been so anxious, with the flashing lights and loud music and a million family members coming up to talk to you every two minutes. Weddings were supposed to be fun, and parts of it had been, but you tended to feel uncomfortable in crowds. You remember how Eunwoo had noticed almost immediately when you started drooping from the drain on your social battery.  He had moved closer to you and tucked your hand in the crook of his arm. You were comforted just by his scent, how solid his shape was pressed into your side.

When the uncle and aunt you had been talking to turned and flitted away to make conversation elsewhere, he had leaned down and said into your ear, "Wanna get out of here?"

You still forgot sometimes, how deep his voice was, and it had sent a shiver down your spine to hear it so close to you. When you nodded, Eunwoo efficiently walked you to the bride to say goodbye. By the time you finished telling your cousin and your parents that you were leaving, Eunwoo was already back at your side with your coats. He smiled his gracious smile and apologized for leaving early, making it seem like it was his fault. Then he swept you away, out the door, back to your cozy apartment. When you got out of the shower and got dressed, he was already sitting in bed. He opened his arms to hold you, and you rushed into them like it was a kind of homecoming.

You pulled onto a less busy street. Your GPS told you that you were getting close to the building now. As your relationship had grown with Eunwoo, it was only natural that the honeymoon phase wore off, you thought. Growing comfortable around each other, depending on each other, these naturally meant getting as used to each other as the landmarks on your daily commute to work. When Eunwoo had first asked you to move in with him, you had been nervous that living together would lead to one of you taking the other for granted. As much as you wanted to be close to him and share all the mundane and wonderful moments of life with him, you didn't want to lose the specialness you felt about your relationship. That fear had been silly though. You and Eunwoo weren't like teenagers crushing on each other from across the classroom anymore, but it was better, almost. The early butterflies had settled into a deeper feeling of tenderness. You loved each other. Right?

***

When you got to the building you had no time to be angry. You had parked the car because you hadn't seen Eunwoo standing out front. When you checked your phone, he had said he was still in the middle of something and asked you to meet him on the top floor. Your sadness had turned to anger, and you fumed all the way to the elevator and the whole ride up. This was a rather long time because the building was 15 stories high. You kept swinging between depressed and angry about the whole situation. When you finally reached the top, the elevator dinged and the doors quietly swished open. You stepped onto a white tile floor, the whole room before you glowing with the warm, natural light that came in through the floor-to-ceiling windows on the far wall. You walked quietly across the space, which looked a bit like a lounge, to get closer to the windows. You sucked in your breath when you looked out on the city; it really was a spectacular view. What had Eunwoo been doing here? Did he have to meet a client here or something? You heard a throat clear behind you and turned. It was like Eunwoo had heard your thoughts and showed up right on cue. Bathed in the golden hour light, he was so handsome you almost forgot to be mad for a moment. Almost. You forced yourself to take on a neutral expression, detached.

"I'm glad you're finally here," he said in his deep, gentle voice.

"Yeah, it was a long drive but I made it," you said plainly, "let's go eat now."

Eunwoo frowned. He saw right through you and he could tell you were upset.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing."

"Come on, I can tell," he said, stepping closer. He placed his hand on your chin and tilted your face to look at him. "Tell me what the matter is so I can fix it, baby," he said, his voice low and seductive. But you weren't in the mood. You couldn't look into his face without feeling a sharp twinge in your chest. You felt tears rush to your eyes and tried to blink them away before Eunwoo noticed. But he was too quick again. He brushed his thumb over your cheek, as if preparing for the tears that hadn't come out yet.

Finally, you manage to choke out, "you forgot."

"What?"

"Today is my birthday. You forgot."

"I--"

You cut him off. "And I'm not even upset that we didn't do anything special together or get a fancy meal to celebrate. I would have been happy if you just wished me happy birthday in the morning and made me toast and gave me a kiss."

"I'm sorry, I thought--"

"I know we've been together for a long time now, I just didn't think you would forget something like this. It's not like you. But maybe-- maybe I'm just not as special to you as I once was,” You looked away. “In which case, please just tell me and spare me the added hurt."

Eunwoo looked like he was in pain from hearing your words.

"I know you're upset, and you have every right to be. But I need you to just go along with me for a few minutes. Do you trust me?" he asked. And even though you were upset with him, you couldn't lie.

"Yes," you replied.

"Then follow me," he said, taking your hand. He pulled you toward one end of the room that you hadn't noticed before, where there was a discrete door. It wasn't the elevator you had come from. Eunwoo opened the door and pulled you out onto a huge beige rooftop, soaked in orange light under the sunset. You drew in a sharp breath at how beautiful it was. Eunwoo kept tugging you along behind him until he reached a patch that you realized was a blanket. It had a big wooden basket on it, two throw pillows, a mini fold-up table top, and some candles. There were rose petals scattered all around. Eunwoo stopped in front of the blanket, turned around, and grinned.

"I didn't forget," he said. You didn't know what to say, so Eunwoo continued. "I wanted to surprise you, and I thought it would be a fun prank and you would feel relieved when you got here and I showed you the picnic. I thought we would laugh about it together. I didn't realize you would think I actually forgot your birthday. I didn't mean to hurt you. I really am sorry."

You shook your head. "You did all this for me?"

"Of course I did. Y/N, I love you," he said like it was obvious. "You're something more than just special to me. You're everything."

You finally smiled and threw your arms around him. He hugged you back tightly and buried his face in the crook of your neck.

You pulled away to kiss him.

"Happy birthday," he said.

"Thank you. Thank you for everything. I love you," you kissed him again. "Now let's eat!"

Once you were both settled and the candles were lit, Eunwoo pulled two wine glasses out and poured you a big drink of something sweet, bubbly, and boozy. Next, he adorned the mini fold-up table with mini sandwiches, cucumbers and dip, chips, and chocolate covered strawberries.

"It's just like our first date!" you exclaimed, suddenly realizing why the menu seemed so familiar. Eunwoo just smiled, pulling out an additional plastic container with a large piece of cake. It was your favorite flavor.

"There's still one more surprise," he teased, "but let's eat first."

You dug into the delicious food, eating to your heart's content. When you finished the last bite of cake and tossed your fork into the container with Eunwoo's, you sat back, sighed contentedly and gazed at the dusky sky.

Eunwoo cleared his throat and you looked over at him.

"It wouldn't be a real birthday party without presents right?" he asked.

You smiled, "Just being with you is enough of a gift."

"Funny you should say that." Eunwoo reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box with a red bow wrapped around the dark velvet exterior. He reached over to take one of your hands in his.

"Is this...is this what I think it is?" you asked.

"Y/N, this isn't as smooth as I wanted it to be, but I want to share my life with you. I want us to have an incredible life together. In this box is just a small token of how much I love you. But I hope you'll accept it and allow me to shower you with many more reminders, from now until forever. Will you let me do that-- will you marry me?"

In that moment, you realized you didn't need birthday texts or cupcakes or aquarium dates or even rooftop picnics from Eunwoo to feel special. You would be happy just to be the landmark Eunwoo returned to each day.

"Yes," you said, "I'll marry you. By the way--best birthday gift ever."