#secondpost

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We were working on a long and difficult case in the office. It started for 3 weeks now, and though we saw the light at the end of the tunnel, the great breakthrough, the final piece, the last clue was missing. We got that on one afternoon, to be exact, a phone call came in to Alex Mahone’s office, who was the leader of our team.

To be honest, I had no clue where we were with him. We had the potential to fight even about the tiniest details, but we shared some great laughs and kind moments as well. These few times were just enough for me to completely fall for him. His beautiful blue eyes mesmerized me, his smile (when he smiled at least) was wide and honest, and he looked just breathtaking in his sunglasses. I was his inferior for three years now, just enough time for develop strong and desperate feelings. This was the reason why our arguments broke me every single time.

When the call came in, Mahone immediately gathered us in the common room to give us some vision how the raid was going to take place. Everybody got their tasks in order, and I wasn’t too nervous when he left me for last. Much more when it turned out why he did that. Alex asked me to stay in the office just to hold the fort, as he said. I got some pity tasks like follow them on the radar, stay in touch with the center, but come on, they were going to the field. At first I hadn’t found my words, and when I was ready to reply angrily, they were far gone and I was left alone – for about the seventh time in the past one-and-half or two years. Alex just didn’t let me go to the field – and this was one of the main reasons why we were fighting about the most.

Today was the moment when I got enough. I took the keys of my car, got in and headed straight forward to the abandoned storage where they were assuming the location of our suspect. After my arrival and check-in, things happened fast. At the first moment I was walking quietly in the subdued light of a corridor, and at the next I suddenly heard Alex’s scream, then he jumped, pushed me to the ground and some shots were fired too. I realized only several moments later, when he asked for ambulance in the built-in microphone of his vest, that he saved me from the bullet of the killer. He didn’t left me alone but he didn’t talk to me either as we walked down the corridor. My hands were shaking, my shoulder on which I landed was on fire, and he gave a shit about me. Halfway we met the medical team. Alex told them in a few words what happened, then he left us alone – and me, broken.

  After being showed out by some medical technicians, I was given a huge aluminium foil against the cold and the potential shock. They checked my blood pressure, my pupils, and an ambulance man examined my shoulder too. I couldn’t really move my left arm, but at the time that was the last thing I cared.

My eyes were following Mahone as he walked up and down in the parking lot, while speaking on the phone. My heart was aching even more than my shoulder. I cursed myself for all the things I felt for that man, and at the moment I hated everything. I hated the way he could weaken me so that I’d give anything for him, his shiny, beautiful ocean-blue eyes, that could see right through anybody, that could burn in anger and even laugh sincerely when his lips were laughing too.

I thought if I follow them, though I act controversary his demand, the help would be greater, that nothing matters what were before – who the hell would have thought that it could turn out this bad.

When Alex finished his conversation, my heart jumped. I truly hoped he cared enough to come and check on me, but that didn’t happened. I got enough, stood up and walked to him.

  “I don’t want to talk to you” he said coldly when he saw me, not even looking into my eyes. I literally froze.

“Excuse me?” I asked back, but I was too late. “Alex, for God’s sake, would you listen to me for just one time? Please?” I yelled firmly as he turned his back on me, as he did for millions of times. He stopped for a sec, and I frankly thought he were about turning back – but this wasn’t happened. Alex walked straight away towards his car, as there was no one trying to talk to him, nobody broken and confused.

  Some colleagues of mine were kind enough to drive me back to our office an hour later. Just in the second when I stepped into the common room, an other one, who got back earlier than us, told me that Mahone was raving and wanted to see me as soon as possible. I sighed, thanked her the information, and looked towards the door of our boss. I knew it was going to be long and loud, so as I walked I tried preparing my soul for anything and everything I was going to get.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” he started immediately as I entered in his office. I hadn’t even had time to close the door, neither to look around the room. At first I wasn’t sure from where his voice was coming.

“Well, next time you should wait until the door is closed before you start shouting someone’s head off” I replied sarcastically. “I’m glad to know that you want to talk to me now.” I added.

“You disobeyed my order” Mahone continued, without replying to what I said. He stood at his desk in front of the huge windows.

“What?” I barked. It was more than enough. “What order are you talking about?”

“I asked you one thing. One” he held up his pointing finger, almost lightnings were striking from his eyes. “Stay right here, next to your computer, not making any trouble. And what did you do? Followed us. And then? Almost got shot without any goddamn bulletproof west. Do you understand that, Y/N? Do you hear what I‘m saying?”

Alex was so angry I have never had seen him before. He was yelling, but when he cursed (for the umpteenth time of that day) he lowered his voice so, that it was almost just a hissing. He ran his fingers through his hair as he made some steps around the room. I truly couldn’t believe what was happening.

“I’m sorry, mister, you must confuse me with your assistant” I replied angrily. “I just did what is my job.”

“Your job is to investigate, not to play a heroine” he said storming. “I said what I said because I judged this situation was not for your capabilities. And, amazingly, I was right.”

“You knew I was capable, either way you wouldn’t choose me in the first place for this position” I replied. “And if you’re curious, I’ll never ever sit in my chair with my arms folded until you solve cases in the street. I’m a part of this team,” I pointed towards the door, “just like anybody else in this office, whether you like it or not. Oh, and if you may did forget that, you made me a part of this. You knew I could bear this.”

“And by being the part of the team, you must do what I say.” he added. “What do you think would happen if I’m not here? You would still lie there, frozen in… in your own blood.”

His voice shook, but I wasn’t sure if I heard it well. I just stood there, feeling like someone who got a ton of boiling water in her neck.

“He was dangerous” Alex explained slowly after a short silence. He emphasized every single word separately, as I was a stupid 5-years-old, who were incapable of understanding what the adult is saying.

“Thank you, I participated in the whole investigation, at least when you let me. How the hell I’m supposed to progress if you push me back behind working desks?” I asked sharply. “If I wanted to fill in charts and write reports, I would apply to the office next to yours. But tell me if I should leave and change, I’ll do it happily.”

Heavy, tense silence sat on the little room. Alex was leaning against his desk, looking at his feet. My eyes were staring this man standing in front of me, trying to figure out what was he thinking about.

“I thought we were more than this” I said suddenly in a lowered, disappointed voice. “And you know what, I thought we could be more than this.” I added, not caring about anything at all anymore. If he understood, he did, but if not… that didn’t matter either. “Are we done?” I spoke again, because Mahone didn’t say anything. I waited for a long minute, but he stayed silent. I scoffed sarcastically. “You’re insane” I murmured under my breath, then without caring anything I turned and walked towards the door.

Suddenly, when there were only a few steps left and my palm was already on the handle, I felt fingers carefully touching my wrist and pulling me backwards. I got so surprised that I couldn’t realize what was happening until I found myself in Mahone’s hug. I felt one of his hands around my waist, the other cupped my face and pulled me close to him. All this movements happened in a split second, and the next thing I felt was Alex, as he pressed his lips onto mines. We were kissing for minutes, fast and wild at the first time, but as we were calming down our movements were slowing as well. My fingers were stroking his neck, finding their ways into his sand-coloured hair. Mahone’s strong hands held me tightly – for which I was grateful, either way I would fly far away in the air. Though I was filled with feelings and confusion, slowly every piece found its place.

“I can’t lose you” he whispered on my lips desperately after pulling away. “I lost my wife, my kid… I can’t take your loss too. Please.”

My eyes started getting filled with tears, my hands trembled, and I felt myself as weak as never. I had no idea how he felt – I wouldn’t even dare to imagine that he may shared my feelings.

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” I asked when I got my voice back. His face was now far enough I could look into his eyes, while softly stroking his cheeks. His blue gaze was almost frightened, jumping fast from my eyes back to my lips. “You must have seen that it wouldn’t be… platonic.” I smiled upon Alex in hopes that it may calm him a little bit.

“I didn’t want to pull you down. You deserve someone better, someone who’s not a complete… wreck… and I thought maybe if I’m strict enough with you, your feelings pass and you could give space for someone else…”

“I don’t need anybody else” I shook my head. “Alex, how… oh God. Instead of you, who could figure out what’s going on in my mind even from a few words and my look?” my smile widened, and finally I saw some happiness on Mahone’s face as well.

“Do you have any idea how you scared me?” he asked and became serious again straight away. I lowered my eyes. “I’ll change, I swear. But... promise me you’ll never do this again. And you’ll stay. With me.”