So this post is a retrospective of a year. A long year at that, one where I have experienced some of my greatest moments of loneliness, isolation, thoughts of suicide, and dysphoria. We have felt invisible, and like we wouldn't ever been seen for who we really are.
Yet in this year I have found some of my best friends ever who just get it. Viv, Jen, Lily, Emma, Flora, and the many Cass's who we have met. There are a lot more people in my life who have helped out.
So why the retrospective? It has been exactly a year since I finally realized and said to the world that I am trans. Accepting that was a painful reminder of what we repressed almost a decade before that. For all of the times we ignored our own pain and made ourselves small. Because we were afraid to be ourselves from so many outside sources and past trauma.
By the stars there has been a lot of steps taken forward Finally accepting ourselves for how we look has been a struggle. It's something we like a lot more. Getting on estrogen this year on 4/20. Accepting our plurality, and the other revalations we have made.
We have been making friends and finding out how G
good we are at despite us thinking that we aren't. We have done things we wouldn't have done before.
We go by Cass at work now which has been so fucking nice. We went to pride this year and had a blast. We have a wonderful and loving girlfriend.
We still don't know how we pulled such a wonderful, caring, and loving person such as her. I guess being a silly autistic girl (girls because plurality).
For our big struggles right now. We have been struggling with the fact we are half in the closet. We have places outside of the house where we can be ourselves, but not really fully yet.
Like at home it feels like I can only ever take a third of a breath. Where it feels like I shouldn't reveal myself because of what my parents would do. Knowing them they would force me to go to church or get kicked out to 'repent' from being trans and myself. I have been trying for a while but every time I get close I get stopped at the last minute by some big expense coming up.
As I said in an earlier post, I know it will take time. It just will. But fuck. IM IN PAIN NOW BECAUSE OF THIS. I want to dress differently at home, I want to shave off body hair to try that, I want to wear skirts at home, and want to plainly display the femmine clothing I am proud of and love.
I just can't. Not yet, not for a bit. I will persist. I will continue taking steps forward no matter how painful it might be. BECAUSE I EXIST NOW. I CAN BE MYSELF AND HONEST. I can love as I want, care as I want, and talk as I want. It will be worth it because then I can be me finally.
This year has been long at times. But also it's felt like sometimes it goes by so fast. Honestly, it's been a great year. I can't wait to see what every year after this one holds for me.
This was written by the Andra System in whole.
Remember that no matter how alone you may feel. You are never alone. There are people who care about you even when it feels like there isn't.
To be extra corny. A quote that we look back on and has helped us a lot "Despite Everything, it's still you".
