The Lonely Scribe

and People Don’t Talk About It Enough

Sometimes I wish people understood what it actually feels like to live with AUDHD the combination of Autism and ADHD. It’s not quirky, it’s not “cute,” and it’s definitely not just being distracted or socially awkward. It’s a daily battle inside your own mind, and most of the world never sees the internal exhaustion behind it.

Living with AUDHD means having a brain that can’t decide whether it wants absolute structure or total chaos. One moment you’re overstimulated to the point of shutting down, and the next moment you’re stuck in a spiral of hyperactivity and racing thoughts. You crave routine but get bored of it. You want to focus but your brain refuses to cooperate. You want calm, but everything feels too loud, too bright, too fast.

People see the outside the forgetfulness, the fidgeting, the sensitivity, the intense interests and they assume it’s manageable. But they don’t see the burnout that hits without warning. They don’t feel the sensory overload that makes small things feel unbearable. They don’t experience the guilt of wanting to do things but being unable to start, or the frustration of trying your absolute best while still being labeled “lazy,” “dramatic,” or “unmotivated.”

And the worst part is the loneliness. Because AUDHD often makes you feel “too much” for everyone. Too sensitive, too emotional, too intense, too overwhelmed. So you learn to mask. You pretend you’re fine. You try to act “normal,” even when your brain is screaming.

But here’s the truth: AUDHD is not a character flaw. It’s not a choice. It’s a reality that deserves understanding, compassion, and awareness. People who live with it are fighting battles every single day and doing it quietly.

It is fucking difficult sometimes. I try to make sure that I have guideposts for my routine but even that doesn't really help out sometimes.

Learning Shibari, not possible because of time constraints rn.

Learning how to sew, not possible because of time constraints.

Starting to go to the gym. Not possible due to time constraints, lack of energy, and my inability to breathe because the mountains are on fucking fire right now.

Nobody is openly bigoted about. Your freind group is pretty diverse, you know witches and a few werewolves and other assorted cryptids, but very few vampires other than her. And it feels like they're weird about her now, in this way where most humans are supportive but don't understand, or how most cyrptids see vampires as the monsters they have to prove they aren't like to be accepted.

People are suddenly more likely to take your side in an argument. More likely to be worried for your safety if she's mad at you. More likely to be afraid that she might hurt you. And they won't say why, but you know. And when you hug her suddenly it's more sexual, and when she has sex with you suddenly they're worried you're being manipulated.

You have to give her blood. Because you don't want to think of the terrible things she might have happen to her if she didn't have a steady source. And people think that she's going to use that to manipulate you somehow. But she doesn't. She wouldn't. And you could more easily use it to manipulate her, to threaten to withhold blood, if you wanted. But nobody ever accuses you. And people question how you feel safe when she could so easily physically overpower you now, how easily she could kill you, but you know she wouldn't, because you love eachother, because she's a kind person. And meanwhile if you chose to kill her you could so easily claim self defense, but you never would, and nobody would ever think you were a danger to her because of it.

And of course there's also the weird mourning. The way people say they miss her when they could still contact her. The way people talk about it as if it's a fate worse than death, as if it's something that will prevent her from ever feeling happiness again. How when you say that your girlfriend turned into a vampire they'll talk about how sorry they are for your loss, how they'll be so surprised that you're still with her. Or how when they learn that you're still with her they act like this is some sort of noble sacrifice you're making out of love, as if you wouldn't want to be with her. And of course the darker things, the threat of people who really think vampires are dead. The fact that her parents stood at her empty grave, the fact that her pastor preached that her soul is in heaven. The way that you know she'll never be safe outside of the city again.

Was it that I am neurodivergent? Strange enough to be mocked by peers, but smart enough to be praised by family and teachers for conforming to strict ideals. Was it because I was a girl who was ridiculed for not being MAN enough? Was it the fucking world wide cult that insists upon our evil nature that only they can save us from? Maybe it's because I don't understand why you think human relationships have to exist in one specific way?

Mainly two headmates Phaeandra, and Dalliandra.

It is rough for them when they don't feel like they are doing enough. It causes them to spiral quite badly.

But hopefully it's an understandable reaction based on how we have lived our life so far and the bullshit we have been through.