Cutting people off without explanation does damage to everyone. When a parent encourages a child to do that ti another parent- facilitates, encourages and celebrates that- that is not only abuse, but it causes the child (at any age) deep deep damage.

It will take courage to heal.

I got an email from you. I have been shut down and locked down since. You are furious, you are filled with hate, you are filled with self-righteous indignation. You hate me for things I can’t even possibly apologize for because you have been gone so long I can’t possibly have caused them. Still, I guess thats not the point. 

All I wanted to do then was hug you. To tell you I understand and that I want to take you pain away. I know thats the opposite of what you want, so I stopped sending you emails to see if you might one day choose to meet with me.  I just need to trust that you will find your way back on your own time. Or maybe you won’t. That is a hard reality.

When you were a child, I was in a state of fight or flight, constantly. I know that now. That must have felt so scary, and unsafe for you. I am deeply sorry for that- I was so deep in it I thought I was giving you my best self, when all I was giving you was my terror and fear. Maybe one day you will want to know more about that. Or maybe you won’t. That is a hard reality.

You said, in that message, that you only hadn’t blocked me there because you thought I would tell you if your sister was in any kind of trouble, or needed you, but that you would now block me because you don’t trust me to tell you. I would, I would, I would.  I can’t even conceive of a world where a human being would not. The reality is she misses you and wishes you would answer her texts. She wants you to know that she is doing so much better, that while it’s not a straight path to ok, she is living a life she is happy building. She wants you to know she loves you. She wants you to know she is loved, and misses you so badly. She wants you to know so much more than that.  I wish that weren’t the case either. I want no part in keeping you from her, her from you, her from her father. I wish any of you would agree to meet me, and start to heal. Maybe one day you will want to know more about that. Or maybe you won’t. That is a hard reality.

A few days ago, a person I know posted publicly about the death of their mother. They had chosen not to see their mother for 30 years, their mother was an alcoholic bi-polar, they had to save themselves.

After reflecting on the sadness and loss of all of that, a few things stay with me.

- I don't know their story well, but this person, despite still carrying deep hurt, was still struck by this death, this is still a loss

- while I am certain this person's experience with their parent was very traumatic, was this an official diagnosis, or one given from the child or other parent to help make the decision to cut that relationship easier. Maybe it didn't matter.

- perhaps you see me that way, perhaps you've labeled, diagnosed, or put the good parts of your childhood in a box so you can stand hard against your choices

- 30 years is a very long time. Is there no chance for healing, forgiveness, change, growth?

- this friend of mine continues to struggle with this, having never grown past it. A wound unhealed, 30 years later. That seems tragic to their life to me.

- having to choose to cut a parent off is a horrible and deeply painful choice to have to make. Having to choose one parent to have a good relationship with over a humans right to have both parents in their life is unconscionable. The hurt that must cause in your soul is horrifying to contemplate.

I can't do anything but be here, available, ready. I can't change the story you have been told or tell yourself to make this loss in all of our lives palatable and justified. All I can do is be here, available, ready.

All I can do is tell you you are so very deeply missed, loved and welcome.

I'm furious too. I'm furious that this is still happening. I'm furious that there is no bridge we can take to resolution that doesn't come from you. I'm furious that you don't want the love acceptance and pride I have for you.

Then I remember, you are the child (were, at least). You did your best. You did the only thing you could under the circumstances. You are hurt. Your parents hurt you.

So again: I'm profoundly sorry for the part I had. For not protecting us all from this horror. For hurting you.

You are loved. You are welcome. I am here with open arms and love, no matter what.

Sometimes I wake up, and I know I have been talking to you in my dreams. They aren't always easy conversations, you are always protecting yourself with anger, but there is love, and acceptance, and trying. Often there is calm, peace, and more love.

Being a parent, sometimes your family feels pain. Sometimes that's your fault, as a parent. Sometimes we hurt each other. Sometimes it's just everyone trying to live and survive the best they can.

This is hard, to be hurt.

Its confusing, to be hurt.

Its forgivable and human to be in a family and be hurt.

For any hurt I may have caused, I am deeply sorry. For any pain you continue to feel, I would take it away if I could.

Today is #internationalforgivenessday. Can you find your way into something to forgive?

It is one of the most powerful things a person can do to heal. Find true forgiveness.

I forgive you, for the things that hurt and were said. Can you forgive me?

Being your mother is the most proud and important thing i have ever done or will ever do.