#parentalalienation

Luke Maybank and the unhealthy dynamics of parentification

What is parentification?

Parentification is a role reversal where parents are emotionally unavailable to provide support to the child typically due to their own problems often caused by alcohol or drug addiction or a mental illness. The child is forced to take care of themselves and take responsibility of the parent. Parents who are emotionally unavailable might also put down their children, contributing to a lack of self-esteem and increased stress for the child. This unavailability leaves the child without the necessary emotional guidance and stability.

The relationship between JJ and Luke Maybank

Luke is a single father. He is drinking and addicted to the prescribtion drug "Ambien", also known as a Z-drug. He is neglectful and abusive, failing to offer the emotional backing that JJ needs.

Luke Maybank is addicted to sedatives

Until about the third episode of the first season, we don't learn much about JJ Maybank's abusive family background. The first time we get a glimpse of his father is when Luke Maybank is exiting Barry's house, where he possibly went to get drugs or being involved in other shady activities. We also learn, that Luke Maybank lost his job at the salvage yard because he turned up drunk for work.

In Season 1, Episode 3, JJ Maybank and his friends visit the salvage yard to steal an underwater drone. During this scene, JJ concocts a lie about his father to distract the security guard, crying that his father "was gonna hit him again" if he wouldn't finish a certain task for him. The viewer is left wondering if there is some truth in his lie.

In Episode 5, father and son are on screen together for the first time in a dramatic scene, which intensity shocked many viewers. Beforehand, JJ Maybank was portrayed as funny, reckless and rebellious. There were no actual signs that he could have really been the victim of such vicious domestic violence as portrayed in this Episode.

In the scene Luke Maybank picks up his son JJ from the police station. As soon as they got into the car, Luke's entire rage is suddenly unleashed on JJ as he brutally beats him up. The mistreatment continues at home, where Luke verbally abuses his son mercilessly, possibly being under the influence of prescribtion drugs and alcohol. Meanwhile JJ locks himself in his bedroom. He is badly bruised and anxious, visibly traumatized and shaken by his father's actions.

"How you gonna get that money back, huh? By sittin' around doin' nothin'? I'm gonna tell you right now, you are a worthless piece of shit! Your Momma knew." (Luke Maybank, Season 1, Episode 5).

But physical abuse only being one possible hallmark of parentification. Parentification mainly involves overstimulation in parent-child interaction, where the focus is strongly on the parent's emotional needs. A strong indicator for JJ being parentified is, that he only feels valuable when fulfilling his father's needs. He really tries to please his father, desperately longing to "earn" just a small moment of parental kindness.

When he steals money from Barry's drug shack to pay for his restitution, he is even willing to jeopardize his friendship with the Pogues, just to fix things with his father.

At first, Luke gratefully accepts the money. JJ is shown beaming with relief and happiness over his father's praise and appreciation. But soon after Luke makes it clear that he doesn't want to use it for the restitution to help his son. He argues that the money was his to spend because JJ had already "cost him so much".

Luke instills guilt in JJ by blaming him for his misery (Season 1, Episode 7)

With that being said, Luke twists the fact that it is actually his paternal duty to provide for JJ's basic needs. Instead, he manipulates JJ by making him feel responsible for financial burdens, further solidifying JJ's role as a caregiver.

When JJ objects and takes his money back, his father beats him again. This time, JJ fights back, ultimately overpowering his father, pinning him to the ground. JJ is about to possibly hit and kill him with an object, but at the sight of his father being defeated he breaks down in tears, heartbroken and frustrated about his father's repeated rejection towards him and possibly feeling guilty and ashamed about having to defend himself like that against his own father. As JJ realizes how weak his father is, he might have also felt uncomfortable and confused with the sudden power he has over him. Notably, that particular scene also visualizes the unhealthy role reversal between father and son.

"You gave me nothing. You gave me nothing but a shitty life. All you ever did was try to scare me. But guess what? I am not scared of you anymore!" (JJ Maybank, Season 1, Episode 7)

The internal struggle between longing for parental affection and dealing with the reality of his father's behavior becomes clearer in Episode 10 when JJ tries to steal the key to Luke's boat, the "Phantom".

As JJ is about to take the key off his sleeping father, Luke surprisingly wakes up in a changed demeanor. He apologizes to his son, not without shifting part of the blame onto JJ, saying: "You remind me of your mother".

"I know I'm hard on you sometimes. But sometimes I see your mother in you. And it get's me a little tweaked, you know?" (Luke Maybank, Season 1, Episode 10)

Although Luke comes across sincere and apologetic in this moment, he actually refuses to take any responsibility for mistreating his son. Worse than that, he shifts the blame onto JJ's mere existence and heritage. This justification for his anger issues is another form of abuse and emotional manipulation.

Additionally to that, Luke Maybank repeatedly brings up JJ's missing mother and his frustration about her, with complete disregard for his son's feelings for her. He never considers whether JJ loved his mother, if he misses her, or if JJ himself is hurt or confused by her disappearance. He focuses only on his own pain and frustration, completely ignoring his sons feelings who must navigate complex emotions and family dynamics all by himself.

JJ finally accepts his father's attempt to hug him because he deeply craves for his approval and love. In doing so you can see him desperately trying to push down his emotions and unsuccessfully holding back his tears. The intimate moment is interrupted when Luke, under the influence of his drugs, collapses back on the couch sleeping, allowing JJ to think clearly again and finalise his mission of taking the key of his father.

Another instance where the role reversal becomes very clear is when Luke JJ helps his dad to escape to Yucatan in Season 2, Episode 8. After they share an emotional farewell on the boat, JJ gives his father some money for the journey and secretly disposes the pills fueling Luke's addiction. These actions are another example of JJ routinely stepping into a caretaker role, which traditionally belongs to the parent.

Luke Maybank pressures his son into helping him for the last time (Season 2, Episode 8)

JJ stays behind, relieved that his father cannot harm and manipulate him anymore. But his hopes are fading that he will ever change. JJ is left with the growing certainty that he will, despite his relentless efforts, never be able to have the unconditional love and acceptance he craves for. It is questionable if JJ will ever give up seeking his father's love and acceptance, but due to his personal growth in the last three season it becomes clear that he will no longer fight for it to the point of self-sacrifice.

You spend your entire life trying build an identity for yourself, only for you to find everything crumbling around you. You don't know who or what you are. You don't know if you are even human anymore or if you're just a shell of thoughts and ideas and words that have been fed to you since before you could think for yourself.

When you destroy every part of you looking for the love you were never given, what is it called? When you destroy everything (and everyone) around you in that rampage, can you blame people for staying away from you? When you are nobody anymore, there is only one thing left to become.

And thank you for reminding me that nothing is ever going to be special again.

Estrangement (follow up) 2:

*Mentions of child neglect, emotional neglect, PTSD (post-traumatic-stress-disorder) and unsupportive parents*

It's been a weeks since the Publisher Awards......and my pettifoggery with dad. Well, I guess I couldn't call it trival, considering the long and complicated history we've had. The dense, gummed, baneful relationship I was born into needed to be impacted. So, I understood myself why it was so hard to feel sympathy, yet shouldered colossal amounts of guilt from time to time. The morning's first impression, glimmered through my bedroom window, spotlighting it's excitement on my face that was half smushed into my yellow pillow. I decided that a morning run would be a brawny way to collect myself for the busy morning ahead.

Books needed to be edited, drafts needed to be written and concluded projects needed to be published. It was compulsory for me to impel my laxed body from the bed if I were to ever be productive in today. The clock was shadowing to 8:30, so I cracked my neck, stretched and picked out some exercise clothes for the morning. I grabbed my keys and phone before making the quick dash out of the house after locking my front door.

I jogged through the frequent kindled city was dimmed with only a dullish look inside the windows of darkness and unimaginative pander. But it was one building that had always caught my eyes since day one; illuminated in morose attractiveness. The college. The one my dad had and still was working at. My heart dropped into my stomach for a minute, before catching my breath again in bitter consumption. But despite the underwater sensation that gagged my lungs, it was seeing my father's car in the parking lot that suffocated me. It took me back to our last conversation. 

Maybe it was my personal cynicalism, but I still couldn't shake the abhorrent recalls, I had from him and mom. In some ways, I was still a little girl trapped....without a home, love, support and safety. I shook my head at the harsh memory lane I was taking myself down. I continued my jogging, before marching into one of my favorite coffee shops for a well deserved treat. After all, it took most of my energy to even exercise in the first place. "Here's your order miss." The barista said, handing me my cappuccino. I thanked her, before turning around and seeing a chiseled face that caught my eye.

Could it be deja vu? Those same blunt green eyes, that penetrated my soul glanced themselves to my direction. So, I was correct. It was dad's car out in the parking lot and so that meant he was at the college already. I swallowed and flickered my eyes over to a table before lowering my head and walking out. I didn't give the time to him. The line was a good 4 people ahead in front of dad, so I anticipated I could make it back home before seeing him again. My drink was halfway finished by the time I was home. My first surprise after I stripped off my sweaty jogging clothes, was an email that stated; I was invited to speak about a new book I was about to release at the Winchester college. I gulped back a jaw drop.

Winchester college was my dad's college where he worked. My heart sped up and my feet felt tingly. Pins and needles laced my mind, as I didn't know what to reply with. The rep would be outstanding for publicity, but was it worth facing dad over again? The PTSD I had from the last time I stepped a unimpeachable foot into the panache, prodigal lavish school. I still remembered the look of icy disdain, my father flashed at me. His eyes spoke hatred, bitter aversion, yet it wasn't my pride that was shot, it my heart that had been shot mercilessly with a bullet of contempt. I came to detest that day, using it as a stepping stone as a temp, before burying it in the back of my mind like a time capsule in the dirt.

My eyes blinked back tears; thinking of that day in such vivid detail, that it's nightmarish afterglow had shown itself bloody all over my reality. I could never forget such a look, therefore.....I could never forgive such a man who had shown it. That's just who he was and it was too late to correct that now. I had grown up, and was not about to take two steps back for the sake of convenience to my wishy-washy father. He needed to take a loss and move on......like me. But yet, I still typed back that I would be accepting the invitation to give the speech. And I was proud of myself. After all, why should I hang myself for something that really had nothing to do with me in the first place?

I finished my cappuccino before turning to chores around the house. Despite my short fuse of confidence in the spur of the moment, I still felt an urge of turmoil arouse in my gut. A lightning strike of real life struck me as I realized that I was truly afraid of my father. I would take the long ways home to avoid him, not to mention the countless hours I would spend at the mall or the library to get away from him. Seeing his sneering side was clobbering to say the least. Drowning in a wave of my own insecurity was exhausting and everyday I scatterbrain myself to give me a pat on the back for such tolerance. It builds character I guess.

I opened my laptop again, fingers hovering over the keys, as if to backtrack my rushed, reckless response. But instead, I closed my laptop, and waltzed back downstairs to finish breakfast. I don't what it was inside me that made me stop cold in my tracks....but I took it as a fateful answer.

The day was here where I was to give a speech at the college. Angus, was ready to fill my cup of support, wearing a dressy-casual polo shirt, khaki pants and loafers. I was dressed in a blazer with a dress shirt, office pants and flats. I grabbed my portfolio and walked hand in hand out the door with Angus. I glanced over towards him, only for him to meet my eyes. His greyish-blue eyes, pierced depthly into me with no remorse. It was like he was reading my mind without my lips curving into a single breath. "Nervous?" I looked over, this time keeping my stare at bay. I nodded. "This is first invited time in this college," Angus furrowed his eyebrows, like he didn't quite understand what I meant. 

"The last time I came here was three years ago..." My voice cracked. "I...out of curiosity, wanted to listen to one of my dad's lectures because they were known to be really good and detailed. But....I guess he didn't want me there. It all blew up when I got home......" A sob threatened to choke me, "I think that was an epiphany of being completely isolated when I finally realized....I-I di-didn't matter to them." I gulped hard, to swallow a bitter cry. But sniffles and single tear drops still escaped.

"Gosh, I'm ruining my mascara," I joked, once I realized Angus was looking at me with sullen eyes. "Here," He pulled out his handkerchief and gently wiped my cheeks of slight mascara tears. He cupped my cheek before pecking it. "I love you. And you'll do great." I sniffled, with a dopey smile. "Thanks." 

We got to the college where a bunch of students were sitting in the auditorium, waiting for me to introduce myself. Angus was front row, with his cell phone about to record. "10 minutes till curtain." One of the staff members said, as I was fixing myself backstage. I thanked her, before going back to fixing my makeup. I heard footsteps approaching backstage, but my back was turned and my eyes were still focused on the mirror. "Angus?" I turned to see dad standing there, looking like a guilty child that had just broken a vase after playing a forbidden game of ball in the house.

"Hello Kaitlin," He swallowed. He had on a navy blue blazer with his usual sweater and tie underneath it and black dress pants. "Hello....did you need something?" I asked straightforwardly. He shook his head. "I just wanted to wish you well on your speech. I'm proud of you and your upcoming novel....I know your mother's really excited." I nodded. "That's good.....thanks." Awkward silence struck us both. "I know what you're going to say," I broke the ice with a pondering somber memory that's been a record in my mind.

"The last time I came here......we both know what you did. And I haven't forgotten it, how could I?" I turned to face dad. "You made me feel pathetic for wanting to be apart of your world and for what? To a topic of a lecture you've written that details how much you hated me and saw me as an embarrassment? But now, your conscious is back.....and so am I. I'm here in this school, about to deliver one of the best speeches I've ever given and you can't handle that....because you rejected me...and you want a comeback for that, but dad.....second chances just don't always come. Maybe in another life....but not right now."

I stepped down and walked over to dad. "For 22 years, you didn't want me. And in those 22 years, I've grown to be someone I love....without you, and mom, and everyone else. Angus has my heart, no one else. I love you. But now I gotta love me.....so if you want to make it up for real to me......then take a seat, and listen to my story now." I walked away, leaving dad speechless and teary eyed. I wiped away the tears that were spilling from my eyes and went out to the stage.

"Hello everyone," I looked through all the faces in the crowd. In those ones, I saw Angus, Kimberly, Mom, Kylie, Kristopher, Kameron and Kira. And then later on......dad. I gulped hard, before looking down at the script I had written for myself. I took a deep breath and spoke.

"As you all know, my new book will be coming out in the fall of this year, but today I get to share a little summary of it." The audience clapped loudly. "This is my story."

My eyes wandered into the crowd to see everyone clapping loudly. But my eyes centered on dad, who was clapping the loudest with a proud smile. I flashed a small one back to him before continuing my speech.

My story.

Parental Alienation is a severe issue that can affect parents and kids in significant ways. The probability of experiencing parental alienation rises when a parent has a history of substance abuse. Whether it is past or present, the alienating parent may use substance abuse to shape the child's worldview and perceptions, which may lead to a strained or even broken relationship.

Emotional Instability: Parents who have experienced substance abuse are more likely to become estranged from their children. Their unpredictable behavior and emotional instability can lead to arguments and a tense atmosphere. This makes it simpler for the parent who is alienating the child to claim that because of the targeted parent's negligence or untrustworthy parenting, the child is better off with them.

Conflict and Hostility: Parental alienation is more common among parents who have a history of substance abuse. The alienating parent may claim that they are unfit by creating a hostile environment with their irregular behavior and emotional instability. This might affect custody decisions and make the child think less of the substance-abusing parent, which could make them feel even more alienated and strain their relationship.

Neglect and Inconsistency: Due to the potential for neglect and unstable behavior, parents with a history of substance abuse are more likely to experience parental alienation. The other parent may argue that they are unfit as a result of this instability, which could limit their time with the child. The child may start to see the substance-abusing parent as unreliable or unsafe.

Legal and Custody Issues: Courts frequently encounter legal and custody issues because they are concerned about the targeted parent's capacity to create a stable environment. This might lead to more inflexible custody guidelines or closely monitored visits, which the parent who is alienating the child might use to further remove the child from the parent who abuses substances. Over time, the relationship between the child and the parent who abuses substances may be strained or even destroyed by these emotional and legal difficulties.

Manipulation of Beliefs: The targeted parent's history of substance abuse may be used as leverage by the other parent. In an attempt to make the substance-abusing parent appear bad, the alienating parent may inflate the parent's problems, such as their unpredictable behavior or failure to fulfill obligations. This can make the child see the substance-abusing parent as unreliable or dangerous. It can be challenging for a parent and child to remain close as a result of this unfavorable viewpoint over time.

Impact on Parenting Capacity: The impact of substance abuse on parenting capacity is significant because it frequently results in unstable and inconsistent parenting. This can be used by the parent who is alienating the substance-abusing parent as evidence that the parent is unfit to parent. 

The alienating parent may intentionally create circumstances that highlight the substance-abusing parent's shortcomings, leading the child to believe that the parent is insufficient. This strain on the parent-child relationship makes it difficult to rebuild or maintain a healthy bond.

In order to provide better support for families and ensure that both parents have an equal chance to remain in close contact with their children, it is important to understand the relationship between parental alienation and a history of substance abuse.

about the way "what if" always feels like

whitewater rapids filled with your failures

water cooler conversations held around

a table. dinner grows cold, who can chew

when it's all talk through gritted teeth

every call circles around to my function

as a sufficient return on your investment

so I see why you don't care to know me

the flaw in your clever business plan:

you never thought to make your life raft