#sci fi guy

I can’t do this. I hate that I always do this. I’m so so freakin’ lonely that every time anyone is even remotely nice to me I freakin’ fall for them. I mean, it’s bad enough that this time I thought he was cute and THEN HE talked to me. It’s bad enough when someone talks to me first bc that’s already a shock, but for someone I’ve been staring at for over a month? How dare?? And now making eye contact w me across the classroom when the professor says something weird?? What kind of game. I can’t do this. He’s going to try to become friends w me and I’ll fall for him or he won’t and I’ll pine after him and make a fool of myself. I always make a fool of myself. I’m too awkward. And for what? A boy? Boys, who are sexist? Possibly biphobic? Racist? What if he’s racist??? Or homophobic??? What if he’s a fourth year? I don’t wanna talk to him. I wanna talk to him as soon as class gets out. I want to hear what he thinks of the books we’ve read in this class. i want to know his favorite ever.. What’s his favorite genre? His favorite movie? What kind of music does he like? Maybe I should get to know him so I can find something wrong with him and get over him faster. But what if I don’t? What if he’s actually great? It can’t work. I don’t date people. They don’t like me back. I’m not pretty. I’m not willing to do anything before marriage. I’m stubborn about my values. My family is weird and sometimes racist. He’s white. Fudge. I can’t talk to him. I’ll just go another few days thinking about him but not having spoken to him. Gah, I’m not gonna do that. Class is going to end and I’m going to pack up extra slowly so we can walk out together. I’m a disaster. And he won’t stop holding his pen with his mouth.