#sapiosensual

‘Muse [Lustful Lyrical Librarian]

muse, amuse me! assume i know nothing

fill me with your lexicon seduce me with your Sapphic tongue

it would please me immensely if you read to me intensely —

theatrically Wilde Swiftly satirical —

voice it a little gruff if you like it rough

in the buff, of course, quote sensually the works of Chomsky

turn that page speak to me the written words pure poetry

I’ve never said how much I miss him and now he’s gone for sure

I’ve never thought I’d be without him and now that I am

Who is he? He’s the one that changed my understanding of love, he’s the love of my life, who prepared me for the most challenging lessons in my life. He’s my twin flame who revised my view of the world. He’s shaped and shifted my emotional well being while we were together and even more so after our time together. I’ve loved deeply before Him, however whatever forces that drew us together decided that the most profound lessons in love, I would have to learn with Him. These love lessons have been imbedded in my spirit and has jolted my soul. I’ve chronicled the love lessons through my relationship with Him, Ready for this emotional roller coaster? 

I, am that person who gives support and finds it very difficult to accept, I am that proud person who wears self sufficiency and independence like an Hermes bag and Louboutin heels.I had successfully built this indestructible fortress of armor around my heart that he has ever so patiently and triumphantly dismantled. Piece by piece, brick by brick and I didn’t even notice and when I finally did, it was too late, I was in too deep.There lay may bare heart, in need of shelter and protection and he provided it.   

Him was everything that I ever dreamed of: charming, handsome, athletic, educated, had a beautiful family, he was patient, he was romantic and he was mine. Where and how we met is a different story but, we had an instant attraction, In the beginning we talked about every and anything, our dark side our past mistakes the good, the bad and the ugly. It was serendipitous. We were connecting emotionally, physically and sexually and moving just as swiftly to keep up. My love for him grew faster than any other man I ever dated. He was an anchor for me at a time when I was drifting. He was exactly what I needed when we met and I knew it immediately upon staring into his beautiful eyes on our very first date at a popular restaurant in my neighborhood. 

While in a relationship with Him, a side of me emerged that I never knew existed. He managed to peel open my soul and what oozed out was delight, sensuality and a celebration of  adult love. Our chemistry was unamatched. This love that we created made me question all the love I thought I had ever felt before. This love was so primal and so pure that it had no choice but to find sanctuary in the one who awakened it. I needed him and I had never felt that way before, With Him, I was vulnerable but not weak...dependant, not needy and dangerously in love. After all, I had already declared he was the one for me.

The intensity in our lovemaking was surreal. My bond was sealed to and for Him. I remember Him questioning it’s authenticity, My passion for Him was undeniable, his touch excited me, when he kissed me and penetrated, ohhh, the energy that radiated through my chocolate body was sheer ecstasy. I gave Him everything, whenever and wherever we were intimate, It was a fairytale in my eyes, my happily ever after was coming.      

Him and I had it all, the house with the white picket fence, the cars, the boat, the dogs, the yearly summer vacations with family, followed by our subsequent caribbean vacation, Him had it covered when it came to material possessions...all I needed, all I ever really wanted from Him was his last name, I wanted to be his wife and the mother of his children.I wanted to be forever lost in this feeling that I designed in my head.I wanted Him to know that I would endure, to feel the safety in me that I felt in Him. Despite his admission to me that to get married I would have to ask him, something, I would never do, I held on to what I created in my head and believed that Him would step up and complete my dream.

I did a great job of ignoring our flaws. We both had them. We called them “demons.” You may know it better as red flags, the bright red ones.The part of the relationship that required work, we neglected. I, jokingly say I earned a Masters Degree in Ignoring Glaring Red Flags, from Love University also known as my five year relationship with Him. We may have had one argument about him picking up another woman at the airport, to be fair, her mother was our housekeeper, that argument was dismissed and never resolved because he picked her up despite my opposition and we never talked about it again.He boasted to anyone that listened how “we never argue,”  we didn’t , we just never talked about anything that made us uncomfortable.Rather than be bothered by the small things that later turned into the big things, we paralyzed our uncomfortable feelings and let our concerns simmer. Never a good idea.

Life with Him consisted of fun, I knew how to have it and he provided the means. Each day was a new more seducing experience, the more fun we had the less we worried about our “demons” each day my heart fell deeper and deeper into what I now call love oblivion. He is charming and well spoken, so in public we were the epitome of love and preserverance despite our diversity. Love conquers all right?  Love loves no boundaries they say, Love always preserveres especially when you are both fighting demons together....right? Love is supposed to win. But love is a two way street. I knew this, but I learned it with Him.

How do you ignore disrespect? Is it disrespectful when he omits details in the stories he tells me. It is disrespectful to entertain other women financially, and especially emotionally...late night chats with friends, where he gets out of bed in the middle of the night to log on and chat. How do you ignore the condoms in his suitcase when he returns home from business trips? At least he used condoms right?. How do you ignore the hotel room keys and receipts to places you’ve never been? I did, I did it all because I loved him more than any man I’ve ever been with, I ignored it because he was my best friend first, and I so wanted Him to be honest and allow me the opportunity to choose as opposed to having no choice. I ignored it because we had done adventurous things together outside of the bedroom, and accepted that I had some blame.The more I ignored, the more blatant it became. I resented Him and that perpetuated a vicious cycle. The seed had already been planted, my heart was bleeding, my insecurities raged louder and my spirit had been broken. I was suffocating. I began to question my love for him. Was it love or was it the life. I’ve never thought about it that way before.

I held on a little longer, I held on because we shared so much, I held on because I’ve already weathered the storm, I held on because I could not let go of my fantasy. He is eight years my senior and although our childhood upbringing was a stark contrast to one another our lives seemed to have many parallels, and these little intricasies made me further ignore the hairs that stood in the back of my head. Our nieces shared the same birthdays, my god daughter and Him share the same birthdays, he was the mathematical side, I was the creative, together we have an ebb and flow of energy that seemed mystical, there were a few other cutesy stuff which contributed to my fantasy of “we are meant to be.” We were both a work in progress and working on our demons together, but by ignoring what we didn’t want to talk about it not only didn’t work, it played with me mentally. We knew what each other's demons were, we just chose to ignore them when they came up. Despite all the secrets we shared with each other, we never addressed, dicussed or acknowledged how to live and deal with our demons.They existed, they were obvious but we both mastered the art of ignoring them because after all... I’ve always known Love to conquer all. But soon learned that this is not true either.

I never imagined my future without him. It was evident to me that he was planning a future without me. At this point, I had to do it, I had been sleeping in the spare room and he basically asked me when was I moving. That was enough for me to start looking for a place to live. During this time I suggested counseling, he declined, I suggested some time apart and his response was “there’s no coming back.” It was either continue to live the way we were, which showed no sign of change and any attempt at change was met with little support or leave as he had asked. The hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, was to walk away from the person that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. He didn’t even bat an eye. That was the single most difficult thing for me to understand. Our love was truly a one way street. That totally crushed everything inside of me.

After moving into my own apartment, To help me get over Him I’ve deleted, blocked, thrown away, erased and avoided anything that had to do with Him. You can imagine the massive amount of energy that takes.Him and I spoke infrequently, and barely saw each other. I’ve made sure that I stayed busy with friends, family, travel, hobbies and service, so that I didn’t think about Him, but no matter what I did, the universe reminded me that I needed to grieve. I did what I do best...ignore. Life does not let you forget though. There seemed to be some cosmic force that had to remind me that he had a permanent space in my life and that I can’t just act like those 5 years did not happen.

Life again made an appearance and knocked me down, 2 people that meant the world to me have passed on since I left Him. Ironically one was my father, whom I did not have a relationship with, but has shaped the way I pick and chose my men. The first time I ever spoke to my father as an adult Him and I lived together, after getting off the phone with my father I began to cry, my father said some things I needed to hear, Him held me tight the entire time I cried. That day was the last time I spoke to my father. That memory is seared in my head.The other person a male who I met after Him, passed away suddenly. This male came into my life specifically to restore my wounded spirit, he reminded me of how beautiful I was and helped me emotionally, he was a confidante and mentor. Those 2 deaths rocked my foundation to the core.I have yet to recover fully. There is no second chance these men who made a tremendous impact in my life are both gone suddenly, with no goodbyes and no chance that I will see them again.  I am still learning how to deal with grief and loss learning to cherish my memories not erase and avoid them.

And now facebook  has a memories notification, despite me deleting pictures of me and Him, I didn’t delete posts or comments and wow, the time travel is chilling at times. There are days I feel it most and then a song plays on the radio like “Halo” by Beyonce (which was his ringtone on my cell),  I have purposely avoided doing things or going places that reminded me of Him, and the funny thing is no matter how much I try there is no avoiding it, it manifests in some way, form or fashion. I had blocked his number after his confirmation of marriage and after finding out our dog died, because I found I would still get butterflies and excited when I got texts from him as if we were still in that dangerous place, love oblivion. Blocked him from my phone but then I would get a notification from some other social platform where he has reached out. It’s fascinating,You can block, delete, avoid, or attempt to run from your past but the memories will always exist. Reconcile them before it’s too late.This is my reconciliation, 

The lessons in love that I delighted in, could only be taught by Him during those five years we spent together. Love University, the curricula was both good and bad. and highly emotional. I don’t think he will ever truly comprehend how he has impacted my life, if he even cares. I never told him how much I needed him, how despite all that he has done to hurt me, whether intentional or not that, I love him, that I never knew, the type of love that I had for Him, even existed, I hope to one day recreate it with someone who feels the same about me. I don’t think he knows that even though his apologies were always about how I felt and he was never sorry for what he had done, that I forgave him anyway. I had to for my sanity.

My male friends used to always say that when a man wants you, there is nothing that will stop him from getting you, That even if he wasn’t ready when he met you that he would get ready to have you.That if you are the one, he knows it immediately. I never understood them, because Him was the love of my life, I just knew that we would be together forever. And yes, Him was the one, because he taught me the most challenging lesson in my life. Because of Him, I revised my view of the world based on those five years with Him. We’re still connected somehow, even though we’ve both moved on,  and still despite it all yes, I still love Him. The love never went away. And although Him was the one for me, the grandest lesson I’ve learned and am living with is: I was not the one for Him.

Signed,

SoulSpeaking Sorcery

Before you can grow up, you must fall in love 3 times. Once you must fall in love with your best friend, ruining your friendship forever. This will teach you who your true friends are, and the fine line between friendship and more. Once you must fall in love with someone you believe to be perfect.You will learn that no one is perfect, and that you should never be treated as any less than you deserve. And once you must fall in love with someone that is exactly like you.This will teach you about who you are, and who you want to be. And when you are through with all that, you learn that the people who care about you the most are the ones that you hurt, and the ones that hurt you are the ones that you needed the most. But most of all, you learn that love is only a concept and is not something that can be defined; it is different to each person that experiences it. And you will learn to respect each and every person on this earth, knowing that everyone only wants to be loved. ~ Unknown