#saphael fluff

"What's cooking good looking?" Simon asked, walking over to Raphael giving him a kiss. "Tamales, I'm almost done. You want some?" Raphael asked. "Of course, your cooking is the best, " Simon complimented. 

Raphael smiled, "thank you."  

"So, how was your day?" Raphael asked as he set the plates down on the table. "Horrible! I had three exams today, and have an essay do tomorrow that I haven't even started." Simon complained, and took a bite into his food.

Raphael laughed a little, "maybe if you started working on it like I told you, instead of binge watching The Big Bang Theory, you wouldn't be so stressed." "It's not my fault that show is so funny and addictive, " Simon argued.

Magnus has had a crush on their college soccer team captain Alec Lightwood for months now. It’s been all he’s talked about. He made all of them find him Alec’s Instagram, Twitter and even Pinterest (he generally just posted random training facts and a lot of pictures of cows?) and follow him, with the excuse that Magnus himself couldn’t apparently do that because it would “obviously be too straight forward, Sheldon, are you out of your god damn mind?”

So when Clary and Izzy started dating last month, Magnus was more excited about it than they themselves were. (That’s a lie; Clary was bragging about how hot and gorgeous and wonderful and amazing and beautiful and cute and adorable and smart and interesting her new girlfriend was literally all the time. Simon was so done with them.) He kept asking Isabelle about her brother so much, Simon was sure she now had an instinct to roll her eyes whenever she heard the name Alec. So one time when Alec came up to them when they were hanging out at their usual coffee place, Magnus nearly fell off his chair and then started throwing random pick up lines and innuendos in his face. But even though everyone else was so embarrassed for him, they wanted a giant gorilla to run into the coffee shop to stop this, Alec was blushing a deep red and ducking his head with a super sheepish smile on his face.

Alec started hanging out with them after that, and when he asked Magnus to come to his lacrosse game for the first time, the latter threw an actual party about it. (Though to be fair, Magnus did throw parties about absolutely everything. Simon’s favorites were the My Rainbow Highlighter Finally Arrived in My Mailbox Party, the I Thought I was Out of My Hair Spray and Almost Had a Heart Attack, but There Was Actually Still Some Left party, and the My Ass Looked Really Good Today party.) So now, Alec invited Magnus to his games all the time, and everyone was just waiting for the day when those two absolutely smitten idiots would finally make out in the middle of the soccer field. Jace’s boyfriend, Meliorn, actually started a bet amongst their group about and the soccer team about what day of the week those two would finally take it a step farther than 24/7 eye fucking.

“Shut up, Sally,” Magnus grumbled, though he did have a fond grin tugging at his lips.

“Okay, so you’re freaking out because you’re late to go drool over your husband. Why did you bring Chairman Meow here though?”

“Not my husband. Yet anyways,” Magnus murmured, applying his eyeliner. Honestly, how did he wing it so perfectly, while talking? “And I brought him because he got sick, he’s been throwing up since yesterday and I don’t want to leave him alone.”

“So you want me to clean up your cat’s vomit, while you go off and stare at Alec’s ass?”

“Yes, Solomon, precisely.” Magnus turned around, already looking like a male model, even though he looked a mess only 10 minutes ago.

“If you can actually get ready this fast, why are you always at least an hour late?” Simon asked, frowning.

It was true, whenever anyone ever went anywhere with him, they were either hanging out at the party alone until he showed up, or waiting at the coffee shop for Magnus fucking-I-don’t-give-one-saint-rat’s-ass-about-you-my-eyeshadow-matching-my-shoes-is-much-more-important Bane.

“I might or might not be too busy dancing to Beyoncé’s new album?” Magnus said slowly.

“You’re such a dickhead, you know that?” Simon threw a pillow at him, trying and failing to bite back his smile.

“I very much do, my dear.”

~~~

After Magnus asked Simon multiple times how he looked, he finally left, already 30 minutes later to Alec’s game with the excuse that, “I’m sure Alec wouldn’t want to start without me anyways.” Simon had looked at Magnus skeptically. “I don’t think that’s how it works.” “Of course it is, darling,” Magnus had replied, before sashaying out the door

Simon sat back down on the couch and took Chairman Meow into his lap, turning the TV back on. Which ended up being a bad idea, because not even 5 minutes later, he was throwing up everywhere, Simon’s pants ruined. “I thought we were friends!” he yelled at the cat and ran to the bathroom.

He was thinking he could clean his pants up, which he did. But they were now completely wet, still smelling like cat food and vomit, so he had to take them off and go look for something else to wear. He would usually have a drawer or two at Clary’s place, but she had actually just moved out from Jocelyn and Luke’s house and he hadn’t managed to get anything over to her new place yet. So the only thing he was left with was to pull on Clary’s way too short skinny jeans, praying to all the gods he’s ever heard of that he didn’t rip them.

He didn’t, and he had to say, his ass looked fantastic in those. After saying “it’s gonna be a tough day buddies, sorry” to his balls, he headed back into the living room.

When he walked in though, he saw Chairman Meow sitting in front of the aquarium on the table, his paw down in the water, claws grabbing at Arnold.

Simon panicked, and ran to save the fish, but Chairman Meow was faster, and before Simon could stop him, the fish was already between his teeth.

“Oh my god, Chairman Meow, what the fuck did you do?! Clary will kill me! And Magnus probably will too because I’m pretty sure anything that is blue is always poisonous, including fish!” Simon picked the cat up, and put him on the floor, and the little bastard looked at him like nothing was wrong in the world.

“What the fuck do I do?”

~~~

Simon didn’t realize that he was still wearing Clary’s pants until after he walked into the pet store, but it was already too late, and it wasn’t like he cared too much anyway.

That is, until he saw the incrediblyamazinglywonderfullyangelicbeautifulgorgeous guy, standing by an aquarium of a lizard, feeding it something very much disgusting, but not quite dead.

Simon wasn’t sure if he should come up to him, or just stand there and stare at his profile for the rest of the day. And yeah, he supposed that was a much better idea, better than any other idea he has ever had, or any idea literally anyone has ever had.

He was just in the middle of doing that, when Chairman Meow - who he had to drag with him to the pet store a few miles away from Clary’s building, so he couldn’t cause any more trouble - started hissing in his hands, and trying to scratch his face.

The boy turned around, and Simon froze (ohmygod he’s even prettier like this, I don’t ever want this moment to stop). He eyed Simon up and down, how Simon was dressed in pants way too short and way too tight for him, how Simon was holding a cat, which was trying to scratch his face off, and finally, how Simon didn’t seem to be giving much of a damn about said face. He was too busy taking baths in the boy’s eyes because they are literally like melted chocolate from Dunkin Donuts, this is the best thing I’ve ever seen.

“Uh, your cat might be trying to kill you.” He spoke carefully, raising his eyebrow.

Simon got out of the chocolate bath he was taking, and realized that he might be taking a blood one soon, if he didn’t do anything about Chairman Meow.

“Oh, huh sorry, I um, I just… Chairman, stop it, you already ate the damn fish, why do you want to eat my eyeball too?” Simon grumbled, pulling the cat away from his face.

“Hi.” He finally said awkwardly, smiling like an idiot at the confused boy.

“Uh, hola.” He tilted his head to the side and damn it, why does that have to be so cute? “Can I help you with anything?”

Simon debated asking him where the fish section was, and trying to find one that looked just like Arnold on his own, but then he also thought about how the only thing that he actually knew about fish was that tuna sushi is much better than salmon sushi, and cooked salmon is much better than cooked tuna.

“So, basically, my friend Clary, she went away to Maine with her girlfriend Izzy on some kind of a romantic vacation. Which is kind of weird, considering they’ve only been dating for a month. But it’s also really cute to be honest, like they’re really cute, and I’m pretty sure they’re, like, soulmates. Not that I actually believe in soulmates. I mean, I kind of do, but not in that there’s exactly only one person for everyone. Like my aunt Nora, she had like 4 husbands and 2 wives, and only 3 of them cheated on her, the rest loved her and she loved them. One died, one didn’t quite work out, and right now she’s married to this guy who she’s like totally in love with. It’s great; they come over to dinner every Sunday, and he’s like an amazing cook. Also, he’s seen all the Star Wars movies, so that totally makes him the best person in the world. Though we do keep debating on which is the best order to watch the series in, you see, I say, that…”

“Um, that’s all really nice, and don’t get me wrong, you are absolutely adorable, when you’re rambling like that. I am very interested in finding out the right order to watch Star Wars in, but you might have gone a little tiny bit off track here, cariño?” The boy said.

And despite the sarcasm that was literally oozing out of him, all that Simon seemed to notice was that he called him adorable and some kind of a pretty word in Spanish, and oh my god, a cute boy thinks I’m adorable I’m going to die, bury me now, make sure you play the Harry Potter Hedwig Theme at my funeral though.

“Oh, right um, sorry.” Simon smiled sheepishly. “Right, so uh, my friend Clary went away for a week, and I was supposed to take care of her fish Arnold - I know, dumb name for a fish. I told her to name it Brittany, but she was convinced that it was a guy. Then we had a huge argument on gender roles; I’m not going to get into that right now. Anyway, but this morning my friend came over to her place and gave me his sick cat to take care of because he would be too busy today trying to calm his boner.” The guy raised his eyebrows again, but didn’t say anything. Simon realized he sounded ridiculous, but that was pretty much a constant, so… “So anyway, the cat threw up all over my pants…”

“Hence the super short pants I’m guessing?” The guy smiled, and Simon wasn’t sure if he wanted to die or if he wanted to crawl between his teeth like an annoying piece of popcorn and live in that smile forever.

“Yeah, didn’t have anything on me, and Clary is super short, so.” He felt his cheeks heating up, but tried to ignore it, since it wasn’t the right time to be feeling embarrassed about feeling embarrassed, damn it!

“Continue, amor.”

Out of all the words in Spanish, hola and amor were really all Simon remembered from high school Spanish classes (which is really bad, considering he did take them for 4 years). So he was about to literally choke himself because why is this guy so flirty, is he like this with everyone because if he is, he needs to be locked up for mass murder.

“Uh, yeah, and basically, when I was trying to squeeze my ass into these, which by the way, I’d like to point out, looks great in these fairly uncomfortable pants.” The boy gave him a surprised smirk and rose an eyebrow again, and wow he does that a lot and oh my god, we’re learning things about each other, this is love, isn’t it? “So, when I came back this little adorable bastard - yes, I am still calling you adorable because you’re cute, even though you were probably sent from hell by the devil on a direct mission to be the death of me” Simon says to Chairman Meow, before turning his attention back to the store employee. “Yeah, so he had his paw down the fucking aquarium, and I couldn’t get there fast enough, and he swallowed Arnold whole and now Arnold is dead. Honestly, saying that makes me just want to go and watch Nickelodeon shows to make sure that Arnold is fine, but I can’t, and I can’t even grieve about Clary’s fish or bury it properly because I have no time. So if you don’t help me find one exactly like it, you’re going to have to bury me!”

“Why would I be the one burying you though?”

“Really? That’s what you got out of all of that?” Simon gave him a look, and the guy rolled his eyes, but he was visibly trying to bite back a grin.

“Alright, come on Helga, we’ll get you a new Arnold,” the boy answered and moved to the back of the store, Simon following him.

“Shut up, I have better eyebrows than that,” Simon muttered. “And I’m Simon by the way, please don’t actually start calling me Helga. I already have a friend who seems to find it cute to call me just random names with an S starting with Sheldon and ending with Severus Snape. We’ve been friends since high school, and he still has not called me Simon once.” He rolled his eyes, Magnus’s stupid habit had become entertaining to him; he caught on, made a game out of it, trying to see if he repeated himself, but it was still just so ridiculously annoying, which… To be honest, is everything in Simon’s life, including himself.

“I’m Raphael.” The boy turned around and gave Simon another one of those absolutely fucking perfect smiles and oh my god, he has a name, and I have a name, we have so much in common, we were literally meant for each other and why aren’t we getting married right at this moment?

~~~

“Dios mio. We’ve been here for over an hour, Simon, you’ve told me about 4 Nicholas Cage movies which I repeat, I’ve already watched, and about how much you hate American football. But you’ve probably only looked at 6 fish, and I’m closing down the store in like 15 minutes!” Raphael said, waving his hands dramatically, but didn’t actually look anywhere near annoyed.

“Gasp! You could never have too much of The Weather Man!”

“You know you’re not actually supposed to say gasp, you’re supposed to just… gasp?” Raphael looked at him fondly, not even trying to hide his smile.

“Shut up, I’m trying to make memes in real life a thing!” Simon said, while carelessly throwing a glance at another yellow fish.

“Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen, it’s not going to happen.” Raphael gave Simon an amused look and the latter stopped in his tracks and gawked at him.

“You’re quoting Mean Girls. You’ve watched all my favorite Nicholas Cage movies, and you still agreed to listen to me talk about them. You have a fancy name, you’re hot and you’re quoting Mean Girls! Marry me.” After having spent over an hour with Raphael, Simon seemed to have completely lost any brain to mouth filter he might have had, though letting all the shit that’s going on in his head fly loose is really the only way he knows how to flirt, so maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

“Okay, first of all, I did not agree to anything, you just kept talking and talking and talking and I’m assuming that’s what you regularly do with everyone.” Raphael gave him a smirk, and then continued, “And second of all, you think I’m hot?”

Simon wasn’t sure what he was going to reply, he thinks it was something about the melted chocolate baths from Dunkin Donuts and the flawless skin, but his phone rang, interrupting him.

“Sorry, let me just get this,” Simon says, before swiping to answer his phone. “Clary! Hey, what’s up? I’m fine by the way, nothing is happening right now, nothing suspicious or bad or involving hot strangers or death or old Nickelodeon shows or anything. Everything is on fleek!” On fleek? Really? Are you talking about her eyebrows or her dead fish?

“Uh, okay cool, but I can’t really talk right now, our plane is leaving in like 5 minutes, me and Izzy kind of got kicked out of the hotel because we might or might not have broken the bed. And the table. And the nightstand,” Clary muttered into the phone.

“God, do you literally spend any time that you’re not hanging out with us having sex?” Simon groaned. “Yes. Anyway! Our flight is leaving in- Oh shit, now! Gotta go, Simon, just letting you know that we’ll be there in 2 hours and you gotta come pick us up from the airport, love you, bye!”

Simon didn’t have time to respond anything before Clary hung up, and oh shit. Ohshitohshitohshit.

“Okay, there might be a slight inconvenience…” Simon said, turning around to Raphael, who was currently feeding a fish in the corner of the room.

“Huh?”

“I have about an hour to get this fish and then I have to go pick up my currently-on-the-way-back friend and her girlfriend from the airport.”

“Is this the friend that has horrible taste in fish names?” Raphael asked.

“Yes, it is.”

“You’re screwed.”

“Yes, I am.”

~~~

Simon isn’t quite sure how this happened, but he found himself at Clary’s apartment, panicking while searching for pictures of Arnold. With Raphael.

“You do realize, that you brought a stranger up to your best friend’s apartment to help you roam through her stuff, right?” Raphael said, while hesitantly pulling open a drawer and carefully looking through the papers in it.

“Not quite, but I’d rather not realize that right now because that’s only going to make me panic more.”

The thing is, Simon knew that Raphael was closing down the store in 15 minutes, but that didn’t seem like a problem when he thought Clary was coming back in 2 days. It actually had seemed like more of an excuse to see Raphael again. But now, he had spent those 15 minutes convincing Raphael that he would owe him any favor if the latter kept the store open for another hour, so he could go back to Clary’s and look for some kind of evidence of Arnold that would help them find the right fish.

“How do I know you’ll come back though?” Raphael had asked.

“Do you really think I’m some kind of a cool FBI agent, who just made an awkward nerd character with an insanely dumb story and super horny friends, just so I could come here and stall you? Then have you have your store open for another hour, just so the police would come in and arrest you for your criminal past? Because please think that, that would be so cool!”

Raphael was looking at him like he was either the best thing that has ever happened to him, or like he wanted to kill him right that second. Simon was never really good at reading people.

“I don’t even… no soy…” he started, but then he just shook his head, with a small fond smile tugging at his lips. “I just meant, what if you change your mind and decide to tell Clary what actually happened?”

“I actually kind of like this whole being alive thing, you know?” Simon gave him a sarcastic look and Raphael rolled his eyes.

“Alright, fine! You can come with me to her apartment and help me look for some kind of a picture of the fish or something?” Simon had said.

Now, they were standing in the middle of Clary’s bedroom, looking through her drawers, and finding nothing but a bunch of family pictures, art supplies, and vibrators.

“Hey, this is you!” Raphael said, picking up a picture of him and Clary from her nightstand.

“Oh yeah, that’s the day we graduated from high school, like 2 years ago.”

“You look like such a dork, this is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.” Raphael smiled so big at him, Simon thought that the room actually got brighter. “You’ve changed a lot. Though some things are still the same.”

“Like what?” Simon asked, closing another drawer that was full of paintings of nude Izzy.

“Like you’re still the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.” Raphael winked at him and turned around.

Simon was so shook, and all the voices screaming in his head to just kidnap Raphael and cuddle him to death were distracting from looking for pictures of fish, but it was pointless anyway.

“Should I look in her closet?” Raphael asked.

“She doesn’t have one. Neither do I. We both keep our stuff in drawers only.”

“Why?”

“I came up with that, it’s like a pun because we both came out of them a few years ago,”

Simon reminisced about them both figuring out their sexualities back in high school. Clary realized she was a lesbian much earlier than Simon even knew what pansexuality was, but they were both there for each other through every second of it all.

“Are you telling me, that you try to squeeze all of you stuff in drawers, and spend so much more money on your furniture just because you want to make a gay joke?” Raphael was staring at him, with his facial expression judging Simon from head to toe.

“Yes.” He smiled proudly.

“That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard… And I want to do that,” Raphael said, a grin forming on his lips.

“Hey, no! It’s our gay thing! Get your own gay thing!”

“My own gay thing?” Raphael asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes, a thing that is physical proof of your gayness!”

Raphael smiled at Simon once again, his eyes adorably crinkling at the corners. His Dunkin Donuts melted chocolate eyes.

“I do have that thing, it’s standing right in front of me.”

That took Simon a few moments, but when he finally got it, he was blushing and he was gone. And yeah, that was bad, but he didn’t care because this wonderful, gorgeous, funny guy just used a terrible pick up line on him, and he wanted to die.

“And I’m actually ace, querido,” Raphael added, looking very satisfied with the result of his flirting.

“Cool, I’m pan.” Simon smiled, trying to focus on the conversation again and not have his thoughts fly away into a magic land, where he and Raphael were wearing matching onesies.

“Ouch, buddy, how do you cook?”

“Huh?”

“Considering that you’re actually the hottest pan in the house.” Raphael smiled, and winked again.

Is he trying to fucking kill me? I’m sorry Clary, but I brought a murderer into your home, you’re going to come back, and find me dead on the floor.

Simon didn’t know if he could last any longer around Raphael without actually proposing to him, and so to his luck, he finally happened to find something. There was a box at the bottom of all her art supplies, that had “Arnold” written in paint on it and of course Clary had a box dedicated to her fish, it was Clary.

“Hey! I found something!” he said excitedly to Raphael.

The latter moved closer to Simon, too close, in fact. Simon could feel his breath tickling his neck because did he mention how much adorably shorter Raphael was, and yet he still seemed to make Simon feel like a little gummy bear.

Simon carefully opened the small box (surprisingly small for Clary, who made oil paintings of her pet bee back in middle school), but all he found was bunch of junk in there, and was that a little fish soccer field? But on the bottom, there was a receipt from when Clary had bought him.

“Yes!” Simon screamed out, a little too loudly, causing Raphael to jump. “Sorry,” he added, smiling sheepishly.

“Arnold is called a Betta Tropical Fish. She named a tropical fish Arnold? Really Clary?” Simon rolled his eyes, giving Raphael the paper.

“We actually only have one left, and someone almost bought it yesterday. You got lucky, cutie pie.” And, what the fuck, Simon could not breathe.

“Cutie pie?” he couldn’t resist asking, his cheeks burning, looking away shyly.

“Have been calling you pet names all day, novio, you should really learn more Spanish. I’m not planning on stopping anytime soon.” And with another wink and a smug grin, Raphael walked out of the room.

Simon needed to bend down and pick up his heart from where it fell to his feet.

~~~

“Are you sure we don’t need to train him? What if Arnold learned some kind of tricks, like fetch or something?” Simon asked, after Raphael had helped him bring the new fish - that did, in fact, look exactly like Arnold - to Clary’s aquarium.

“No, idiota, it’s a fish.” Raphael grinned and shook his head fondly.

“Well, maybe it was a really gifted fish! If Clary wants something, she always gets it, so if she wanted her fish following commands in Indonesian, her fish would definitely be following commands in Indonesian,” Simon said.

“Why Indonesian?” Raphael looked at him, amused, and he seemed to look like that a lot and he thinks I’m amusing, that has to mean that he’s in love with me, right?

“Because I don’t know…”

“You’re an idiot.” He shook his head fondly, and Simon couldn’t help but think back to that How I Met Your Mother episode, where the only way that Robin knew how to say I love you was by tilting her head and saying ‘you’re an idiot.’

Simon was supposed to pick Clary and Izzy up at the airport in around an hour, so he still had time, and he really wanted to spend it with Raphael. But he didn’t know any way to do that, except to call Luke over and beg him to handcuff Simon to Raphael and swallow the key.

“Hey, so I helped you with the fish, and you promised me a favor, remember?” Raphael distracted him, a smug smirk tugging at his lips and oh no, was I right about the criminal past, or is it criminal present!

“Yeah, do you have anything in mind?” Simon asked carefully.

“Maybe I do.” He walked into the hallway of Clary’s apartment, and opened the door for Simon. “Go out with me.”

Simon gaped at him, not believing what he had just heard, Raphael was smiling so sincerely at him, a drop of nervousness in his eyes and Simon couldn’t breathe.

He obviously noticed all the flirting, he wasn’t that oblivious. (Okay, so he was. Once he thought that a girl was actually just too hot during their study session because she kept taking off more and more layers, so he went and opened the window right in front of her. It was February. She got pneumonia.) But he still couldn’t quite believe that Raphael would actually be interested in going on a date with him. Yet he was, and Simon wanted to high five god right now because he was just so blessed.

“Okay.” He smiled shyly, walking out of the door, wanting to flirt, but all that came to his mind was stupid pick up lines, such as, ‘Your ass is so nice, that it is a shame that you have to sit on it.’

“Great, lead the way pretty boy.”

“Why me?”

“Because your ass does, in fact, look amazing in those pants.” Raphael smiled, and okay, I guess he’ll do the flirting for both of us, then. “Where do you want to go?” He asked, taking Chairman Meow from Simon because they had to bring him with them. Simon wouldn’t have Magnus calling him and asking why his cat just threw up two identical blue fish.

He thought for a moment about Raphael’s question, realizing that most places they went to wouldn’t allow them in with a cat. He looked up into Raphael’s eyes and blurted out, without thinking:

“Dunkin’ Donuts.”

Raphael looked a little surprised, but smiled, nevertheless.

“Okay then, let’s go.”

~~~

Raphael seemed to be a closed off person, he flirted a lot and asked a lot of questions. Yet even though in the begging he seemed to be more tight-lipped, as the time went by, he started opening up more. Simon couldn’t help, but feel somehow special because of that. He learned that Raphael had moved from Mexico when he was in high school to be able to provide better for his family, who he was very fond of. He mentioned how amazing his mom was about 5 times, and he also said a couple of things about his younger brothers.

Simon liked him, he genuinely liked him a lot, and he was starting to get anxious and paranoid of scaring Raphael off. But every dumb thing that Simon said, every irrational joke that Simon made, was only met with either a surprised look or a fond one from Raphael.

“You haven’t run away yet, that’s very brave of you,” Simon chuckled, his anxiety tugging at his throat.

“I don’t run from cute, dorky boys.” Raphael smiled, getting a box from the waitress that just came up to their table. “I buy them munchkins.” He handed the box to Simon.

“Wait, what, we didn’t order th-” Simon’s breath caught, as he opened the box of munchkins and read the little note attached to one of them.

“Will you be one of my 6 soulmates and teach me the best order to watch the Star Wars in?”

“Well, actually,” Simon looked up from the note, confused by how he could still even talk. “Everyone’s number of soulmates is different, just because my aunt had 6 doesn’t mean, that- ”

“Just shut up and kiss me already, idiota,” Raphael interrupted him, an adoring smile on his face, and Simon decided that maybe he could tell Raphael all about how soulmates work later. Along with the best order to watch the Star Wars in.