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It’s funny how I can be so honest with some people but tip toe around others. I dunno. Sexuality has been on my mind and sometimes it scares me to think that some of my friends or just people I know could or would view and treat me differently knowing I’m queer or panromantic and can potentially like girls etc. I have such great people in my life that support my queerness or are queer themselves but I dunno. It’d be a hard blow and would make me really sad.
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Anxiety is like when you are in a foreign country and you have a really sadistic translator that follows you everywhere, who translates everything to be the worst possible thing ever like that this person hates you and reminds you how much you suck and that everything is dangerous or potentially devastating and how you can’t do shit and how much people hate you and it just fucking sucks, man.
I just can't get over how important queer and POC representation is. Sometimes it just hits me when I remember how I used to be or seeing POC kids so excited about Princess Tiana or Quvenzhané or Lupita because they finally have someone that's their colour that is viewed in the media as beautiful. It's so so so fucking important. There are people who think they're broken because they're not straight and cis, people who think they're ugly because they're not white and it's so terrible and it hurts to remember and to think about it but it's just so fucking important.
Looking back on my journey of pinpointing my sexuality, which I’m still technically on, I can remember just how uneducated I was and how that affected me negatively, especially when I had my first crush which was on a girl. I had heard of homosexuality but didn’t really know and was like “what is this? This is wrong! It’s probably just friendship”. And then when I liked a girl again, but had had crushes on guys before, I was like “WHAT IS GOING ON?!” because I literally didn’t know what bi or pan sexuality was or that they were a thing. And then I spent a few more years thinking I was straight because “what is bisexuality?” And then I found tumblr and was like “OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Pansexuality is a thing. That is me right there!” I’m still not sure but at least I have the knowledge and resources to look things up and figure it out at my own pace or if I even want to figure it out.
If you don’t think education and representation is important for queer and straight kids alike, then what the fuck are you doing with your life?
I hate the phrase "it gets better". Like, what the frick? What is that? It's a cop out, that's what. It's a "I see you have problems and I'm saying this to make myself feel better" type thing. Getting better usually takes effort. It takes rewiring in the brain, or taking initiative, or seeking out help. You can't just say "it gets better" because the person who is being told that usually doesn't really believe them because there's a reason you're saying that to them. They're in a rut and they can't see the way out. That is freaking scary.
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Me complaining:
My brain is about the bust out of my head in a minute, oh my god. Not only do I have a shit-ton of pre-Calc homework, but I’ve already done most of it and the amount left still qualifies as a shit-ton. Oh, and have I mentioned I’ve been at this for about three hours plus two this morning plus all of the homework I did on Friday and Saturday? And that the teacher didn’t teach us even half of it because of an assembly but still expects the whole chapter done for homework? And to finish this pile of crap off, sir anxious thoughts have come to visit. How nice.
Hypocrisy pisses me off to no end. You’ve got these minorities racking off about white, cis and straight privilege and how they treat said minorities, and then on tumblr, where being these minorities is normal and I guess “cool”, they act exactly like the people they claim they hate or the behaviours they hate. Sexuality is not a choice. Identity is not a choice. Race is not a choice. It’s funny how they rant and then when we get on here we see that—wow— we’re all fucking human beings and generally treat people different than us like shit when we are the more accepted people in wherever we are.
"Best friends".
There’s this belief that best friends have to know each other’s secrets and be able to tell each other everything and blah blah blah, etc to qualify as “best friends”. Like, that’s good and all but there’s not some measurement where you can only have the best friend title after you’ve completed so-many milestones. My best friend and I are not like that. Sure we can talk about a lot of stuff but we don’t usually delve into topics like relationships or deep feelings or secrets or whatever. Equally, it’s not about time. There is a girl I’ve known the absolute longest I’ve known anyone that’s still in my life now, which is fifteen and a half years. And we never really clicked. We were just kind of obligated friends. To me, a best friend is someone who you feel the most comfortable around. Someone you can joke and laugh with and makes you feel the happiest a platonic relationship can make you feel. It’s someone you feel you’ve really clicked with, someone you feel slightly lost without and crave their company after a while of being apart. To me, they’re the person that you can ignore in complete silence for hours on end and still have it be comfortable and feel like you’ve hung out. And I think that’s beautiful. Let’s bash this belief or “requirement” in the head and get rid of it because there should not be limits or standards on how good a friend you are or can be with someone.
