#sanctuary.

You've kept me even. Calm. Without you here I'd wander the house like a phantom. Without you here the night terrors would come and I'd fall like a phantom into them.

I want the world to go back to normal. I want to get back to work.

But the beautiful thing about this is mostly it's been blissful getting to know you even more. I notice how you hold your mouse pad and I put it exactly where it needs to be when you go to bed. I notice the way you organize things and make sure to do the same.

Every time you bite your lip in thought I know to offer a suggestion. Every time you freeze up I know to rub your shoulders or kiss you.

I thought I heard something come through our bedroom door. Thought I felt it sit on the edge of the bed. I thought it touched me for a second but I was wrong.

The sleep deprivation is really getting to me. Being cooped up is getting to me. The only thing keeping me afloat is you with your easy smile and the way that you love me like there's no tomorrow. The melatonin has finally kicked in and I'm so sleepy. I look back down to the edge of the bed and I see nothing.

Just another weird delusion, I guess. I'm getting tired of this curse and what it's doing to me. I'm so terribly afraid something is going to come and steal you away from me and I won't be able to find you.

It's 7:47 and you've curled your arm around me and the last of the paranoia fades away. I'm so tired, so sleepy, and your arm there makes me relax into the bed.

I don't think you'll ever know how much I appreciate you, but I swear that for the rest of my life I'll show you.

I love you, baby.

I hope he knows what he does for me. I hope he knows how much I appreciate him and all of the time he spent making sure I was okay. Looking back sometimes I feel guilty that he sacrificed so much for me. I hope he knows I’ll spend the rest of my life paying him back in the little ways. The times when he’s not feeling his best and I touch him until he comes back to me, the times when he’s too tired I’ll make sure he has a safe place to sleep. The times when he’s feeling threadbare I’ll give him the very fabric of who I am until he feels like he can face the world again.

If I found you and I had you within my reach would I move in for the kill?

Would I watch as your eyes go lifeless? Would I laugh?

My life is going so well. I'm getting married to the love of my life, I have friends that love me deeply and I love them in return. I'm seeing my future pan out and for once it doesn't look bleak anymore. It's full of life and promises. It's a wedding and domestic trips to Walmart at 4 in the morning over toilet paper. It's watching my career continue to flourish and grow. It's Ricky's hand in mine forever.

Why can't I let this go? I could forgive you for what happened and what you did. I could forgive you for taking her away. I made a promise that I'd find you but...

You've found me.

I could easily delete the unknown number text because maybe it's a wrong number and I'm just being paranoid. I get texts from wrong people all the time because somebody has a slightly different number from my own.

But the pictures. You can't fake those.

It's the first time I've seen her face in years and my heart feels so deeply fucking hollow. I feel guilt in my chest because I couldn't love her enough because I was in love with someone else but a part of me still went with her when she died.

I understand how delicate this situation is. I could easily send back that you have the wrong number and this whole thing could go back in the box where it belongs.

If I find you, I'll kill you before you kill me.

But I'll never leave.

Since the moment this all started something in me knew I'd marry you someday. Since the moment I stepped back into the lounge on the bus and pressed my lips to yours something in me..clicked into place. Like a lock and key. The moment I kissed you my fate was sealed.

I've loved you for far longer than that.

You've moved a little and you're muttering that you love me and you're smiling. You also have kissed my chest no more than five times. My heart aches and aches. I don't even think it's used to being loved this much. It's hard work to navigate the heavy machinery of the heart, but you do it with such effortlessness. You touch me, and I feel okay.

My last night terror was almost a month and a half ago now. I haven't been told if I sleepwalk. Whether it's from spending my nights curled up with you like this or from the pleasant exhaustion that comes with our libidos being in overdrive, I've never slept more peacefully. You make me realize that everything is getting better and it's because I have you.

I keep looking back at the smallest moments that made me fall for you. The soft touch of your hand on the couch on my shoulder while I sleep, the curve of your smile when you're telling me a story, the way you've protected me from myself. From everything in me.

It's 3:44 PM and you're the most beautiful fucking thing I've ever seen. The sunlight is in your hair and on your body. The ocean and you are almost a single entity because you both seem so vast and fathomless and I want to drown in both. You're the piece of the puzzle I couldn't figure out and now that I have, everything is falling into place.

I can't believe how lucky I am. We're getting married. You want me....forever. This is the pull of two souls who've loved each other through time immemorial. This is how it feels to really, truly be loved for who I am.

I hope that I make you feel even a modicum of how you make me feel, because even a drop of this is addictive, even a small kiss feels bigger than anything I've ever experienced.

You've searched me out while you're talking to Joe and you've caught me staring. The small curve of your lips and the way your eyes soften tells me that you do. Thank you for showing me this is what I've been missing, thank you for taking this wild chance with me.

I promise that I'll always be here. I'll never leave you no matter what. You're my home, my shelter, and my heart.