#shadowbox.

You looked happy. You congratulated me on the wedding and told me it was okay for me to move on. Today, the weight in my chest has redistributed to something I can manage.

I won't worry about the text messages because wherever you are, they didn't matter to you.

I'll lie here with him and I'll be grateful you existed, but I won't worry anymore.

If I found you and I had you within my reach would I move in for the kill?

Would I watch as your eyes go lifeless? Would I laugh?

My life is going so well. I'm getting married to the love of my life, I have friends that love me deeply and I love them in return. I'm seeing my future pan out and for once it doesn't look bleak anymore. It's full of life and promises. It's a wedding and domestic trips to Walmart at 4 in the morning over toilet paper. It's watching my career continue to flourish and grow. It's Ricky's hand in mine forever.

Why can't I let this go? I could forgive you for what happened and what you did. I could forgive you for taking her away. I made a promise that I'd find you but...

You've found me.

I could easily delete the unknown number text because maybe it's a wrong number and I'm just being paranoid. I get texts from wrong people all the time because somebody has a slightly different number from my own.

But the pictures. You can't fake those.

It's the first time I've seen her face in years and my heart feels so deeply fucking hollow. I feel guilt in my chest because I couldn't love her enough because I was in love with someone else but a part of me still went with her when she died.

I understand how delicate this situation is. I could easily send back that you have the wrong number and this whole thing could go back in the box where it belongs.

If I find you, I'll kill you before you kill me.

I count each day like it's a blessing and a curse. 2,190 days since I found you in your apartment, your hair soaking up the blood that pooled around you like a small ocean.

2,190 days without you.

2,190 days of grieving you in waves. Especially today. Every year I start tensing up and waiting for the spring that I've coiled myself into to break.

Your headstone felt warm to the touch even though there was snow on the ground. I'm sorry I didn't stay longer this time, but the beautiful boy holding my hand was shivering and I was sinking. I thought you were pulling me down to see you because I could've swore I felt the tug and your hand in mine. I would've willingly gone even a year ago, curling my hands around the bones of your skeleton and letting your ribs impale me. I would've found you somewhere else, somewhere holy, and we would've lived there forevermore.

But he's here now.

Ricky's with me now.

He's given me more than I could've ever asked for. He's filled my bones, muscles, sinew, heart with so much forgiveness. He's given me his time. He's sacrificed so much...for me. I feel terrible to occupy his life the way that I have...he deserved to go his own way so many times. He deserved to not worry about me. Sometimes I get angry when I think of how you had him promise to watch over me because it's a lot of responsibility to be there for someone. I think of all of the opportunities he's missed because I was broken. I hate it for him. It's not like me to not be able to deal with things myself. It's not like me to depend.

But depend on him I have.

I love him more than I've ever loved anyone and I feel guilty for that sometimes too, Anna. I should've been able to love you at this depth, with this much unwavering feeling. I loved you, of course. I still do. I hope you can forgive me for loving him more.

He's kept his promise to watch over me and I am so grateful.

Thank you for being the warmth in my heart and for telling me about shadowboxes. Thank you for immortalizing me in your art in a random person's house. Thank you for holding my hand and my body. Thank you for loving me.

2,190 days without you and I finally feel like I can keep pushing forward. 2,190 days without you and 42 days officially with him.

I hope you like the flowers we left today. They're as red as I remember you before the casket closed and as dark as I know it was when the sun was snuffed out at the last moment.

I miss you today and I'll miss you tomorrow. Ricky and I will never forget you.

I left him to talk to you alone because he said he had some things to tell you that I couldn't know about yet.

You were standing at the edge of the water and you were laughing. You were looking at the moon and pointing towards it and I looked at it with you. I asked you what it was like where you are and you told me it was always warm. I told you Ricky and I were together and you smiled even bigger.

For once, you didn’t turn Red. For once, the holes didn’t appear in your chest. You just..stood there, listening to me. I told you that the world was darker without you in it, but that I finally found my place in it.

I found my purpose. I found the exact thing I’ve been searching for.

I have you partially to thank for that.

Thank you for being here for me when nobody else was. Thank you for loving me up until your death. Thank you for visiting me.

We were sitting on the beach at Bora Bora and just looking out over the water and Ricky asked how I’d met you. I told him the story about the shadowboxes and how you were so beautiful. It was one of the first real conversations I’d had about you in years.

The last voicemail you ever left me is still in my phone and sometimes I’ll play it just to hear your voice. You were out with a couple of friends of yours and one of them had told you the funniest joke and you just had to tell it to me. The thing is..you couldn’t remember the joke. It’s just your laughter for 3 minutes before you tell me you love me and that when you remember it you’ll call me later.

I wonder if you ever remembered it. It’s one of the things that continues to haunt me even now.

You were always so...bright. Even when I wasn’t feeling my best you could touch my shoulder and I’d immediately feel better. You were like standing close to sunlight and I always felt so happy that you were there with me. I don’t know where I’d be today if it wasn’t for you, truthfully. You showed me what it was like to be loved for who I was, weird slasher kink and all.

Thank you for asking Ricky to take care of me.

You should know that the two of us are doing very, very well. He keeps me even, he keeps me happy and he keeps me safe. He still remembers the shitty ice cream maker fiasco and how we’d fall asleep on him at any given point in time. He still remembers you fondly.

I have something of yours that I want to give him because I took it from the crime scene, but I’m not sure it’s a good time to give it to him. It feels so personal and I want to give it to him at the right moment. I had to decide if it was to be buried with you or not, but at the last minute I couldn’t let go of it for fear that I’d lose you forever. Today I keep the locket in my bedside table, but I brought it with me on this trip.

I know I won’t lose you forever because you’re always with us. I’m grateful to have known you and to have loved you.

To this day, that smile makes me feel at ease.

I wish I could sleep but the second I closed my eyes she came again, reaching for me from the side of the bed.

She touched my face and I thought I was going to finally pass on.

She... Whispered something to me and I can't remember what it was.

I've been ignoring her for so long now in favor of you that I almost forgot she was gone, and it would seem she doesn't like that at all.

One day I have to continue my search.. To find out what happened to her. I want you there with me to help.

She's bleeding.

She's bleeding

I can't wake her up. I can't make her breathe.

She's standing at the end of the bed and she's dripping red.

There's a pit yawning open to claim me and I want to sink into the void. There, she won't find me.

I press my face into his chest and listen to his heartbeat and pray that it never stops beating. My hands are knitted in blankets and in his clothes. I want to tie myself to him, for my heart to beat in tandem with his always.

It grounds me. Just being here with him grounds me in ways he doesn't even know.

I love him but she hates him now. I can see it in the dead white of her eyes as she glares at him.

I will fight every nightmare if it means keeping him safe. I have to try to get better.