Calbiga, in Samar, is the gateway to Langun-Gobingob — the largest cave system in the Philippines and the second-largest in Asia — and has one of the smallest tourist footprints I’ve encountered. Getting there is a mild production, and the locals, I think, prefer it this way.
I stayed at Calbiga Tita Flor’s, a two-room homestay in the town proper run by a woman who used to teach elementary school…
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Greece. Not the country, but the Murad's home named after the place — abandoned by Petros, but enjoyed by Anaïs when her own home bored her to tears. Now, she upholds her part of the deal in keeping the house alive; upgrading old architectural choices and keeping it modern.
It's rare to see her this way: heels off, casual in her own world. She picks up a painting and moves it to a different spot on the wall.
"Oh, to bore the great chess-master with aesthetic choices." It's more than just likely, that Anaïs had hit her father with the same joke before. How peculiar has it been, to watch Samar replace him overnight. "Though I suppose all you do is an aesthetic choice." Who lives— who dies— who loses all sense of self under merciless torture. The mafia boss special.
I'm your number 1 simp, my lord. I do not like patches, my dear. He owes me pay..
-Samar
ahhh, most excellent... let it beest known that whoev'r shalt lay eyes upon that bumbling bald domed fool first shalt receiveth a reward quite unlike any other. Volcano Manor style.
and to thee, a pleasure to speak, dearest Samar. a warmest welcome to the debauchery. ❤️🔥
how i slept through the apocalypse (and why that makes me an asshole)
you know how sometimes you’re so used to someting that you forget it can actually kill people? that was me with typhoon Opong, sitting there in my house like some smug weather expert, thinking PAGASA was being dramatic with their signal 4 warnings. Samar’s taken so many hits over the years that i’ve developed this stupid immunity to concern, this calloused indifference that now feels obscene. when Yolanda—which flattened Tacloban like god himself had taken a rolling pin to it—barely mussed our hair, i think something in me broke, or maybe calcified is the better word. i became one of those people who says things like “oh, we’ve seen worse” at dinner parties, as if surviving is some kind of credential.
so when Opong started making her approach, i did what i always do: i yawned, checked that the windows were latched with the enthusasm of someone returning a library book, and went to bed. the wind was already throwing its tantrum outside, rattling the galvanized roofing like loose change in a dryer, but i just pulled the blanket over my head and thought about what i’d eat for brakfast. i’d become so comfortable with catastrophe that i’d mistaken it for weather.
then morning came with its obscene sunshine, that particular brightness that arrives after storms like an apology no one asked for, and i started seeing the posts. whole barangays underwater, houses folded in on themselves like cardboard boxes, a school—an entire school building—with its roof peeled back and tossed somewhere into the next barangay like it was made of paper. and here’s the part that makes me want to crawl out of my own skin: i slept through it. i slept through people climing onto their roofs, through mothers holding children above the rising water, through all that terror happening maybe ten kilometers away while i was probably dreaming about something completly stupid and forgettable.
and look, i’m not saying we live in some mansion on a hill or that we’re swimming in privilege. our house is just ordinary, nothing special, but somehow—through sheer dumb luck or geography or whatever saints my grandmother prayed to—it’s in a spot that seems safe from the worst of it. typhoon after typhoon, thank God, our walls stay up and our roof stays on, and i’m grateful, truly i am. (though i’m also terrified to even say that out loud, like i’m daring the universe to finally serve us what everyone else has been choking down for years. God, i’m not challenging you here, i swear, i’m just trying to be honest.)
there’s this particular kind of guilt that comes from realizing you’ve been living adjacent to other people’s suffering without even noticing. i kept scrolling through the photos—furniture floating down what used to be streets, people wading through brown water up to their chests, carrying whatever they managed to grab—and i felt this delayed panic, this retroactive fear that should have arrived twelve hours earlier. someone posted a video of an elderly woman being carried out of her house, and she had this look on her face that wasn’t even scared anymore, just exhausted, like she’d used up all her fear in the middle of the night while i was snoring into my pillow.
the worst part isn’t even the destruction, though god knows that’s bad enough. it’s that i don’t even have the right to feel relieved. how do you celebrate your family’s safety when it feels like winning a lottery that other people lost? my house is standing and i can’t bring myself to feel anything but ashamed about it, like i’m supposed to apologize for still having a roof while scrolling past photos of families who don’t. i should be thankful—i am thankful—but gratitude feels obscene right now, like showing up to a funeral and talking about what a nice day it is. while those roofs were flying off, while those rivers were swallowing houses, i was performing my practiced nonchalance, my weather-veteran routine. i’d turned into one of those people who needs tragedy to be new and interesting to pay attention to it, who can’t be bothered with the regular apocalypses that happen to the poor and unlucky. and now i’m sitting here with my intact roof and my dry floors, writing about feeling bad, which is probably the most useless thing a person can do, but i guess it’s better than pretending i don’t feel like a complte asshole.
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It's your exam tomorrow I believe and I don't know if you are anxious or not but I am very anxious for some reason.
And coincidentally I also have my income tax law and practice continuous assessment tomorrow which is again not important because it's just a continuous assessment.
But you my love are going to give an exam which is very important to your future and you know I keep getting this image of a guy with ruffled hair and in his grey sweatpants and a great t-shirt standing near his study table with glasses on. With his hand in the pockets and looking in my direction.
I have no way of proving this that whatever I am thinking in my mind is true and but somewhere in my heart I believe that tomorrow you will give your essay exam and I truly truly genuinely wish you luck.