#saltofthewrite

Philza has a near death experience and then finds himself trying to get even nearer.

(written for the MCYT Recursive Exchange 2025)

He was flat on his back, in a pool of formless liquid, neither warm nor cold, just... there. When he ran a hand over his clothes, they came back dry, the liquid beading off him like sand sloughing off smooth stone. And there was a shape, a silhouette, familiar and strange and beautiful, hovering above him, in front of him, her enigmatic and cheerfully manic grin still on her face. “Didn’t expect to see you here again so soon!” She chirped, tilting her hat a bit farther back on her head. With the edge of her veil now draping backwards, he could see her more fully— a round face, a dimpled chin. And a mischievous look in her eyes, ones that promised the world to whomever she deemed worthy. It clicked, who she was. “You— I— Did I fucking die again? ” She started wheezing with laughter, her head flung back as she practically cackled at his incredulity. “Yeah!” she managed to choke out between giggles, holding her stomach. “You— you tripped on a shoelace and fell into lava! It was so funny! ”

After the end, Quackity leaves.

He finds someone along the way.

He takes a moment, just a fucking second, to slow, lean against a tree, try to catch his breath, reach for his knife, when the rapidly pounding footsteps skid like someone sliding down gravel and come to a stop, not too far from him.  Quackity turns, puts his back up against the tree, and reaches for the shitty kitchen knife he took from the block back home, holding it out in front of him as if he has any idea how to use it.  Some stupid advice about self defense he heard ages ago rings in his head-- don’t pull a weapon you’re not okay with getting used on you-- and grits his teeth. 

My Retirement Home Secret Santa fic for @rebelpeas !!!

I have two fics (mostly) drafted— a comedic one focusing on Kristin, and a more serious one that is Beeduo focused and a companion to Harpy Hare. The comedic Kristin one is fully written, just needs to be transcribed to my Google docs and brushed up. The serious Beeduo fic is not totally finished but I’m in the end game of it.

Twenty years after the end of the war, Phil has a Bad Day.

(A post-canon oneshot for “oh dear, can you see me?” By findingkairos, for the MCYT Recursive Exchange.)

But he bursts into the meeting room only a few minutes late, hat askew, breathing only slightly heavy as he regards those in attendance at the table.  The rectangular plinth was full of the usual suspects-- Lieutenant Sneegsnag was there, fresh off of paternity leave, alongside Generals Memph, TapL and Calvin, on the sinister side. On the other, his own officers-- His longtime friend Ian, Sergeant Wolfy, Corporal Mercy, and General Trixtin.  All of whom stare at him, some suppressing smiles or muffling laughter as he settles into his seat at Techno’s right hand, his face warming. And usually, usually, he would laugh it off, make a snarky shot back at Ian and how that orange hat of his was bright enough to cause a fifty person crush in the halls, or how he had to dismantle another one of Trixtin’s altars en route, but.  Today’s not a good day for it. 

In which Tommy, the third and a half most dangerous pirate in all of the oceans and seas (self declared), gets stabbed (with a bullet) gets basically marooned, and decides to invade the ship of the most dangerous pirate of all time. By accident.

AKA: Tommy Careful Danger Kraken Innit was not having a good fucking week.

“Hey, Tommy?” She asked, grin growing wider, “when Phil and I let you captain your ship on your own, what was our one rule? ”

“... Don’t drink the seawater?”

“Not that one.”

“If you’re gonna command an army of birds, pick something intelligent so we don’t have another Seagull Incident?”

“That’s... yes that was one rule but not for your ship. What was,” she stepped into the room, her presence a weight settling into the very floor, “the one. Rule.”

Tommy went beet red, not meeting his mother’s mirthful gaze.

“Not get into a fight with the Navy?” He mumbled.

“And what did you do?”

Ever since Phil's sons went off to college in America, he's had a Routine.

Eat his breakfast, do his crossword, feed his birds. Utterly peaceful, and definitely not lonely.

And then his routine is interrupted by a teenager who hands him a wad of bills to hire him to be his parent for Parent-Teacher Night.

“I mean. I’m a big man, obviously— that’s capital B-M, by the way— and there’s no risk of me getting snatched up, cuz I’d fight em off— but it’s a big world, innit? Lots of shady folks, n, wrong’uns around every corner.”

Phil could only nod in amusement as the kid kept going. Was he just trying to test out a comedy routine or something on Phil?

“Of course, of course.”

“And, well, I figured, old man, sitting out in the park, feeding some fucking birds or some shit, not very likely to be a wrong’un, ey?”

He smothered another giggle as he caught sight of Techno determinedly burying his nose in a book as Tommy yammered away in his ear, completely oblivious to how he was being ignored.

“-- And I tell Big Russ, I say ‘Big Russ, most poggers of all men, one of the only men ever, second only to my own, probably James Bond under a false name--”

Techno let out his ‘I’m not listening but let’s pretend I am’ grunt. Tommy blatantly steamrolled over it.

“-- listen, if you let me film Tubbo jumping off the school tower and doing a flip on the way down, it would get so many views. It’s absolutely worth it. Think of the women, Big Russ!”

“Mhm. Sure.”

In Which Techno Makes A Bet (And Is Crushed By Scaffolding)

Name one friend.”

“You.”

“ Besides me, mate.”

“Squid Kid.”

“Squid kid is a villain who has a bounty out for your head.”