to the first god I've understood to believe in, J. who unfurled my hands; my heart

; and to the first one I worhshipped; F. / offered myself to - fully; without compromise the self vanishing again during the offering

I felt the though of you dying as a physical pain in my chest my lungs

that is how close you were to me/ that is to say: how much you were a part of me us, growing old in the French countryside where your parents were buried 27 years ago we discussed how we'd like to share eternity our noses touching, or at least that what remains when you strip the skin, the tissue, the muscle fiber

but the future was never ours only mine.