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Been in such a nostalgic mood lately. It’s been bittersweet to say the least.
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I often find myself over sharing
With people who don’t deserve to know
The real me
Perhaps it’s just because
I’m thankful that anyone can hear me
Every time I catch myself
Thinking about you
I push to
Love myself
Harder
2 AM Struggles, C.B. 2/18/2026 @02:02
The loneliness is starting to creep in. I really shouldn’t say creep because it’s starting to grow a voice and become very LOUD. I’ve been celibate for almost 2 years. My heart broken at the last encounter. I have no one that I’ve dated and as of the last year, I don’t bother to talk to anyone either. I’m content most days, but the past few months have been rough. What I’m seeing though, is the difference between me being single now and me being single before, is the fact that I’m not open to letting anyone play with my heart or waste my time. I don’t know everything I want but I do know I want love, care, trust, effort, intention, connection. Perhaps all this time I have allowed nonsense to occur, to keep from feeling this emptiness. The necklace of anxiety that’s both choking me and its pendant of worry weighs heavily on my chest. I’m up late right now because I can’t sleep. Because I’m afraid to sleep. Why? Idk. I’ve been afraid of going to sleep for going on a year now. No reason, just had a panic attack a few times before bed and now I don’t sleep unless my body forces me to. Perhaps sex used to keep that away. Or maybe talking on the phone and falling asleep to the faces I loved. Or maybe the comforting thought of someone loving me all day- even if it was a lie, I could wake up to that again.
I’m not really sure. But I do know that, when I was engaging with people it brought me so much pain. But the last few heartbreaks fucked me up mentally. Like, it took something from me. And I don’t know how much I have left to take so I’m just trying to avoid it. But I’d be a fucking liar if I didn’t say that I am lonely and I wish I had love and I wish I had someone to care for me. And that is a small part of my truth. Honestly.
There is no reward for suffering
And just to let you know
You do not gain the heart of a man by being complacent
You get no closer to him by doing what he asks
You only get the pleasure of being put to use
Picked up only when necessary
When you are quiet
When you are convenient
When you do not offer push back
When you are not anything
No sign of struggle
And when the time comes
And he looks for a challenge
The excitement of something new
He will do away with you
Hard Truths, C.B., 5/3/2026 @18:12
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Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
And sometimes, people don’t come back. They do not care about righting their wrongs.
Let’s be clear
The things you should’ve done
You didn’t do
So there should be no question
About why it’s FUCK YOU
Clean Sweep, C.B. 1/1/2026 @03:06
I’ve been picking up my pen a lot lately
Trying my best to finish this sapphic fiction
But I keep thinking about you
Trying to push all my thoughts away
Or just make them sexual
But I’m left in a mess of confusion
Still after all this time
Because I know it wasn’t real
And yet I know you were still mine
I was yours
Perhaps I still belong to you
I’m unsure
But I wish I didn’t think about you anymore
But I do
And boy do I miss you
Council sickness in full swing
And though I still remember everything
Like how you lied to me
Said you were deleting your account
That bitch has still been up
how you said I was number one
And I wasn’t even in the run
I laugh to myself about
how I could be so naive
How I feel so stupid
For continuing to grieve
A man who played with me
A man who promised me everything
Knowing we would never be
Because he had already made his choice
And it was never going to be me
-Letter to My Loving Coward, C.B. 4/26/2026 @18:06
