#sa rant

</3xx / x-x / xx</3 (x)

A vent stim using Loona from hazbin for what happened to me last year. Warning: a bit rough topic will sensor the best I can. using a stim to finally come out as a survivor still struggling with the weight

It's still been hard; I get nightmares at times of what happened. I think I am tired, I've been for a while. I get so mad, feeling the rage of what happened. The rage of being a sa survivor of multiple attacks. I wasn't safe; instead of support, I got nothing but stress from the ones who said they loved me. When I needed them the most, terrified, scared, everyone I cared for left me. I was attacked, I was in danger, and I was scared for my life to speak up. Yet no one stayed with me; that shit hurts more than anything in life. Everyone says supports survivors till they become a problem, then suddenly it's oh no, you're toxic. How am I toxic? I was just assaulted worst part is that the one who was supposed to love me said he was jealous of the man who did that to me.

EXCUSE ME, SIR. I WAS SA MULTIPLE TIMES BY THAT GUY. WHAT ARE YOU GOING ON ABOUT

it hurts to see "kissing" in society, in so many conversations, so normalized, i mean it's fine, it was fine when i was more than a decade younger, but the thing is now it's different

it's not like back then when the only times i'd get asked about my "kissing experience", mostly by then friends (which would make me deeply uncomfortable and almost trigger me), because i knew they were just repeating what they've been taught, were just saying what they heard older people say and care about, they meant no assault in that

but today, these days, ever since i was 12, maybe it's just the media that's changed, maybe it's cause we're older and i'm not exactly watching stuff made by people under 12 for people under 12, i feel pressured

pressured to kiss, i don't wanna kiss, i don't wanna hear about kissing, I DON'T HAVE TO KNOW WHAT KISSING ON THE MOUTH FEELS LIKE

any implications and the amount of people i've seen force it, makes me now associate most mentions of kissing with that, insecurities of not being enough (for what? not kissing and being traumatized)

you know what i do? i push my feelings and trauma away, "removing them" (that's super unhealthy and disrespectful), from my SA at 3-4 to try to remember what it was like and felt like on the lips to be "kissed", it was literally assault, i suffered, cried and got heavily traumatized from it, i pushed the memories away for nearly 2 decades, and yet society made me feel like i don't have the right to not "know" what "kissing on the lips" is, not to feel it, not to want it, not to imagine it, not to have ever experienced it cause i was assaulted, and even if i wasn't, i have every right not to want to experience it and not to "experience" it ever in my life, i don't have to want it, i don't fucking have to. even my "friends" made me feel like there was something wrong with me, especially when i mention not dating in my life, there's nothing wrong with me nor my feelings

i have the right to be traumatized, not to think about it, not to know or want "happy kissing", i have kissing experience and it's awful cause it was mostly assault (i'm thinking of the non-mouth pecks i used to give my mom consensually too)

i don't have to imagine my trauma, at all

leave me alone, leave my mind alone, don't disrespect me

i don't wanna talk about it, don't wanna think about it, and that's okay

i have every right to, i don't want kisses and i physically cringe and get somewhat triggered every time i read the word "kiss" and all its variant forms, every time, the only one that wasn't entirely like that, less, was "strawberry kisses" until i heard the song while being fluent in english, i hate it and i have the right to, it's valid

i don't know what it's like to "be kissed" cause i forgot and subconsciously chose to forgot, for my own health

same goes for butts, i just started feeling comfortable in mine, not fearing i'd constantly get SA'd, physically or visually, from having one, WHILE being alone with myself, all alone

i spent most of my life feeling uncomfortable in it and fearing even all the time while alone, heavy trauma and the victim blaming trauma, lies and teachings i was raised and grew up in

right now i feel uncomfortable with my lips because of the trigger

i hate being SA'd, really fucking hate it and fucking hated it 😭 /gen

the amount of times my butt got disrespected and booties in general get, i can't stand it

i just started fearing again idk why, i was comfortable yesterday for the first time, and idk why i got triggered and i'm now scared, i think it was my mom

my mom SA'd me before, many times, CSA and harrassment, i hate it, she stopped, i'm safe now, but my trauma is very real and my escapism paired with dissociation is causing me to constantly imagine being SA'd by some random identityless guy, wtf is wrong with...