#s.markhee

“hello?” taehee answers on the second ring, and at hearing her voice, mark feels the pace of his heartbeat quicken, “mark?”

“are you doing anything right now?” he asks somewhat sweetly, shifting his weight on one foot as he scans the instructions on the box again. he’s hoping she isn’t doing anything so he could call her over and they’d bake—

“i’m working on something in the studio,” there’s a slight downturn in her tone when she replies as if she was sorry for being busy, “is it important?”

mark unknowingly pouts, and from the other end of the line, taehee holds back a chuckle when she hears it in a form of a low hum. even if she’s expressed it countless of times, she genuinely thinks her best friend is so cute.

but this time, it felt different. 

the hopeless smile she has on suddenly morphs into a shocked expression. is it me or is it hot in here? she couldn’t believe she’s acting like a lovestruck fool over her best friend just a second ago. 

“not really,” mark’s voice quickly snaps her out of her moment, “not really...? i mean...”

why was admitting he’s such a loser in baking an embarrassing thing to do, he thinks. unfortunately for him, taehee knows him all too well. “mark,” she calls out, concealing her laughter on the other end, “just spit it out.”

“is it okay to use normal sugar instead of powdered sugar?”

silence. mark is met with silence from the other line and he almost slaps himself at how stupid he sounded. shyness creeping into him, he awkwardly chuckles into the phone, “taehee—”

“you called me,” she said, punctuating every syllable, “to ask that?”

“they’re saying a bunch of different things on the internet!”

“mark!” taehee whines, the amusement in her tone causing the boy to laugh at himself too. he knows he could’ve picked whatever site he could find and blindly follow it. mark also knows he could’ve just trusted the instructions on the box and looked for the aforementioned powdered sugar in their kitchen. but instead of lying to himself, he admits that he simply just wanted to hear her voice after not seeing her the whole day. he’s hoping taehee gets the hint. 

and he’s been trying for months ever since that day on the beach. if being affectionate with her, telling her sweet words, and not backing away from longing stares even if his heart was going to burst could not get the message across, he decides he needed to be more persistent. 

“use powdered sugar, mark,” taehee tells him almost softly, trying to hide her adoration for him through her voice. “or do you need help finding that too?” she teases him with a chuckle, laughing wholeheartedly when her best friend admits to her question. 

“they usually keep it in the drawer next to where you found the baking soda.”

“oh, it’s not there. i’ve looked already.”

“try asking doyoung hyung.”

“he said we didn’t have any.” mark freezes in his spot when he was quick to answer, like he’s been caught doing something wrong — actually — been caught doing something that would make him sound incredibly hopeless in front of the person he likes the most. yes, that’s definitely it.

but then again, taehee’s too oblivious to notice. “then i guess you’d have to go grocery shopping. oh! let’s go together, i have to buy some groceries too.”

“right now?” mark stutters, eyes wide that they’d bulge out of its sockets. 

the person on the other end of the line swivels in her office chair and hums, “tomorrow, if that’s okay?” the boy sighs, he didn’t know why he acted so surprised over it. the effect she had over him, god.

“yeah, we can go tomorrow before the halloween party starts.”

“oh right!” taehee gasps excitedly, looking forward to what they’d be doing for halloween the following day. “okay, spiderman. we can go tomorrow.”

a breathy laugh exits mark at her statement. the fans don’t know it yet but he’s sure they’d love to see spidermark, as they’ve coined it, for the next day’s event.

he hears a sudden ding from the other end of the line. “oh, i’ve just got a text from jiyeon unnie. i’ll see you tomorrow?”

mark nods even if he knew how taehee couldn’t see him; how she couldn’t see the millions of stars that have just lit up in his eyes with just being on the phone with her, but she doesn’t need to know that. 

“yup. okay, bye! love you.”

the phone call ends and the two go back to their own activities. mark packs up the ingredients in their dorm while taehee gathers her things in her bag in the company’s studio. it’s only when he puts back the baking soda and she steps inside the elevator do they only realize what he had said when they bid each other goodbye on the phone minutes ago. 

and as if a red string tied around their pinkies connected them to one another, both of their hearts race at the memory. 

mark couldn’t wrap his mind around what he had just said. his mouth parts open as he drags his eyes down to the floor and winces, a normal reaction when he or his members do something embarrassing in front of the camera. he was nervous, hoping taehee didn’t pick up on it. but at the same time, it felt...good. he felt great, like he was finally able to tell her what he felt. realizing this, mark grins quietly to himself before finally closing the cabinet door. 

meanwhile, taehee doesn’t know if the frantic pace of her heart is a good thing or a bad thing. friends say i love you, right? she thinks to herself, close friends do. best friends do. she couldn’t ignore the warm feeling that envelopes her as she replays his words again. they’ve said it to each other in the past – during interviews, gameshows, filming. it should be a norm between them by now considering the time they’ve spent together over the years, but it feels different now. 

“you’re overthinking it,” taehee mumbles to herself, “it means nothing.”

and with a final exhale, the girl tries to shake any more thoughts of mark — and his eyes and his voice and his friendly ‘i love you’s’ — out of her head before stepping out of the elevator. 

II. DECEMBER 17, 2014 IN THE OLD SM ENTERTAINMENT BUILDING

taehee remembered the night heejin told her she was planning to leave the company. they were on their way home, riding the same old bus they took everyday to and from training; the same old bus they took together from place to place. 

there were five of them in the beginning, and she thought she was content with that, but then they became twelve — she felt like she couldn’t get any happier. nut just when she thought she had almost everything she had wished for, unexpected news caused them to break away little by little. twelve became ten, then ten became seven, five, until she and heejin were the only ones left.

“what label was it again?”

“blockberry creative,” heejin trailed off, seeming hesitant as she avoided taehee’s gaze in fear of being judged, “i just feel like i’d do better there.” guilt filled her stomach when she said this, but the older girl’s reply caught her off guard and caused her to meet with her gaze.

“then go.” she didn’t sound bitter nor was she mad. she said it as softly as a mother could tell her child to go play with their friends. instead of seeing her lips forced into a straight line, heejin took note of how they were instead slightly curved upwards into a smile. it’s obvious to say there’s a slight tear in taehee’s heart at present, but her encouragement felt the most genuine to heejin.

“you want me to go?” heejin slowly asked, and taehee somehow found it adorable to see her big doe eyes looking up at her innocently.

“if you think it’s right and it will make you happy, of course.”

the same proud smile stays on taehee’s lips the morning heejin hauls her bags outside their dorm, clutching her tote bag in one arm and some important documents in the other. the cold winter air does nothing to soothe the internal ache taehee feels at the moment.

“i guess this is it,” heejin tells her, before adding a chuckle by the end of her sentence to lighten up the atmosphere. it comes off as awkward though.

playing along, taehee’s grin widens and her arms open up for a hug, “my heejinie.”

the younger trainee gladly throws her own pair of limbs around her neck, pressing her cheek on taehee’s shoulder amidst the drops of snow falling on the tip of her nose. “i’m gonna miss you,” her voice is muffled by the thick sweater taehee has on which causes her to giggle.

the sound makes the slightly taller girl press her cheek more lovingly on the side of heejin’s head, and she sways them gently side to side, pouting, “i’ll miss you a lot, too, heejin-ah.” they relish in the moment for a few more seconds, savoring the little time they have together before they could see each other again.

taehee is the first one to pull away as she cups heejin’s cheeks with her gloved hands, “take care of yourself, okay? do your best but don’t push it, got it?”

“i should be the one telling you that,” the latter grins, the appearance of her adorable pearly whites reminding taehee of a bunny. she’ll miss seeing it everyday.

the older girl opens her mouth to retort but her alarm cuts her off. “we—“ she quickly stops herself before rephrasing her sentence, “i mean, i need to go.” all heejin could do now was stop herself from tearing up.

she loves the winter, but now it leaves a bittersweet stain in her heart as a reminder of the time she developed feelings for a certain someone and the day she left this person on her own. “we’ll meet again, right?” she tries to reassure the both of them.

“of course,” taehee smiles, also assuring the other that, “this isn’t enough to separate us.” she hopes it’s enough to mask her sadness at their parting. so after bidding each other goodbye, taehee watches as heejin’s figure gets smaller and smaller as she walks down the street.

once she’s rounded a corner, taehee starts to take her own steps to the bus stop alone, riding the bus she was so familiar with to the company alone. all the other trainees wondered where her friends were and why she was entering the practice room alone.

she couldn’t eat lunch. she knows she’ll start to miss them more the longer she sat there eating whatever they had on the menu today. she spent all day practicing, only stopping for a quick water break or a trip to the bathroom. yet it was so hard to focus with everything that’s been happening lately.

when she was on her way back to the practice room, she was too caught up in her own thoughts to notice mark heading towards her.

“oh, taehee!” the boy exclaimed, his cheekbones rising when he gives her a delighted smile.

she quickly meets his gaze once she hears her name, and as best as she could, she tried to mirror his bright grin. unfortunately for her, mark knows her all too well. “are you feeling alright?” he asks concerned, not quite believing her when she nods yes.

“noona!” jeno, as well as donghyuck, were there too, “are you practicing? where are the others?”

only mark was the only one to notice how taehee’s smile faltered before she forced it back up. “yeah, i am,” she replies weakly, “i’m on my way back actually.”

“are you with heejin?” haechan expertly inserts himself into the conversation, putting an arm around mark as he gave the older girl a bored expression, “she owes me lunch over a bet we had the other week but i haven’t seen her since!”

“donghyuck, that wasn’t even worth betting on.”

“it was a game, jeno. it’s literally the only thing we can bet on,” the boy deadpans, not noticing the tight lipped look on taehee’s face at the mention of her friend. “besides, she agreed to it! but now i’m starting to think she’s avoiding me because of our deal.”

taehee wishes that was the case, maybe then she wouldn’t feel so depressed when the three boys all shift their gazes towards her as they expect her to tell them about heejin’s whereabouts.

“she left,” is what taehee tells them, shifting her weight from one foot to the other nervously, “she switched companies.”

jeno and haechan couldn’t stop their jaws from dropping at the revelation, and mark now knows why his best friend seemed so down during their whole encounter.

she raises both her brows and gives them another plastered smile before excusing herself, stepping aside to start her journey back to the practice room. “i’ll go practice now,” they hear her say meekly, too shocked to reply as they watched her retreating figure disappear behind the corner.

when the clock struck nine, taehee decides it’s time to go home. normally, she would keep practicing until the later hours of the night but seeing as she spent all of her energy with little breaks in between, she wants nothing more than to just lay in her bed and fall asleep.

in her now quiet, empty, lonely dorm.

with tired limbs, her feet drag her to the door and she switches the lights off. she couldn’t help but scream when she steps out of the room, the dimly lit hallway making a fifteen-year-old mark look like a ghostly shadow than a normal human being.

“what the hell, mark, you scared me!” taehee breathes out, switching in between english and korean out of panic. her wide eyes and the hand on her chest makes mark burst into laughter, he didn’t mean to scare her that bad.

“i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to,” the boy laughs quietly, pushing himself off the wall with his foot before closing the door behind a shellshocked taehee. “you could have at least made a sound,” she scoffs, stopping the corners of her own lips from forming into a grin when she sees mark’s amused one.

“i’ll make sure to knock next time,” mark reassures her with a chuckle as he hooks his thumbs on the straps of his backpack. he tilts his head to the left as a gesture for them to start leaving, “you ready to go?”

“yeah— wait, what are you doing here?”

“i’m accompanying you home.” mark states as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, causing taehee’s brows furrow at his statement, “don’t you go home with donghyuck usually?”

“he went ahead with jeno. i just wanted to practice more, i guess,” he lies. they both know how the label is strict with their buddy policy and donghyuck wouldn’t dare to go against it even if he was exhausted down to the bone. that’s why he couldn’t count on his own two hands the amount of times he begged mark to stop practicing so they could go home and rest. donghyuck always retold the story in such a funny way.

but taehee doesn’t dive deep into it. “oh,” she says simply, and mark can’t help but cheer on the inside when she steps closer to his hide, leading their walk down the hallway, “let’s go then.”

though silence is all that dwelled on them on their way down, it didn’t feel awkward after being close friends for so long. “the snow is pretty,” mark comments with a content sigh once they reach the bus stop, outstretching his gloved palm to catch the snowflakes that melted on it upon contact. he doesn’t hear taehee reply, but he knows she heard him when he meets eyes with her, a genuine but solemn smile dressing her lips. “it’s your birthday in ten days,” he notes.

“oh, right.”

“aren’t you excited?”

“i think we should look forward to christmas first,” taehee chuckles, breaking eye contact with him when she sees the headlights of the bus she was so familiar with approaching.

“but you’re turning sixteen! isn’t that one of those special birthdays for girls?” he chats behind taehee, letting her board the bus first so he could follow. she only replies once she’s found their seat. “i guess so,” taehee hugs her backpack closer as she hums, “but i don’t think it would be as special as they make it out to be.”

mark didn’t have to ask why. he could only imagine what taehee’s feeling after having her hopes of debuting crushed when the label announced that they would be discontinuing loona. to add to that, she had to watch each of her friends leave one by one, finding other opportunities for them to help pursue their dream. he also didn’t need to ask why she didn’t want to leave too, or go home even, knowing she’ll be disappointed if she quit so early. he’s glad she still has that spark of hope within her at least.

“that’s not true,” mark murmurs next to her.

taehee’s eyes widen a fraction when he looks back at her with a genuine gaze. no matter how hard she tried, it is immensely difficult not to get caught up in his stare. she feels something warm inside her, feeling the heat rush up to her cheeks, but she doesn’t know what it means. “we’ll make it special. you still have me,” the young boy continues, “and i’m not going anywhere even if…”

“even if you decide to leave too,” like an unspoken promise in between them, they stayed by each other’s side through everything. she opened her heart up to him, trusting in his word, and he did the same.

III. NOVEMBER 1, 2021 IN SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA

mark is not drunk.

he is not drunk; not even in the slightest bit. well, maybe he is a little tipsy, but hey, he can still walk.

yet like the lovestruck fool he has fully succumbed into after pining over his best friend for almost a year, he lets taehee lead him to her car with delicate fingers placing a secure hold on his arm that was wrapped around her shoulders, while the other was keeping him close to her by the waist.

“we’ll go ahead!” he hears taehee shout to the others, and he pulls off the ‘i-can-barely-walk-because-i-had-too-much-to-drink’ act so well that he could almost feel the amused smirk johnny sports when he waves goodbye to the two of them.

not ten seconds later, mark is already seated in the passenger’s seat, leaning comfortably on the leather. he fails to notice the look taehee gives him as she reaches over to click his seatbelt in place — a look filled with so much affection that you’d mistake them for lovers right then and there.

but they aren’t.

the faint smell of alcohol mixed with the cologne mark wore to the party makes taehee dizzy. she immediately pulls away when the boy on the passenger’s seat pretends to stir, causing her to let out a light scoff, shaking her head playfully at her best friend’s antics. she wastes no time getting into the driver seat of the car, and after checking that she had everything with her, she starts the drive back to the dorm.

“you can stop pretending, mark.”

the groan that erupts from the back of his throat causes taehee to release a wholehearted laugh, delighted that she got him to admit to the act right away.

“i’m not drunk,” mark still hasn’t opened his eyes yet, but he knows taehee well enough to picture her raising an eyebrow at his argument, “i am just tipsy as hell.”

taehee gives him an unconvinced hum, “and you had me carry you all the way to the car.”

“it’s not like i asked.”

“you were like, begging for it.”

“am not.”

“we were together the whole time and you still wanted to take the ride home with me?” her cocky tone almost reminds mark of haechan. he swears the younger boy’s antics are rubbing off on her, “just admit that you’re in love with me.”

and for the nth time that week, taehee feels the familiar burst of warmth in her chest again, glancing briefly to mark in the passenger seat before shifting her eyes back on the road. and like an embarrassed teenager with a high school crush, her shoulders slowly deflate. i should really think before i speak, she says to herself, and her fingers clench tighter around the wheel in fear that she might have just exposed herself to mark.

but she’s been like this every time, right? no one can “annoy” mark with cheesy pick-up lines and playful flirtations better than she can. so maybe, taehee hopes, he’ll just think that—

she is so right, mark thinks, slapping himself for almost saying that out loud. he doesn’t get to drown in his thoughts much longer because taehee’s already reaching a hand out to the radio, one of iu’s songs playing once it’s on.

when mark doesn’t reply after that, taehee takes another quick look to his direction and gets the idea that he was sleeping, seeing that he was still and breathing steadily on his seat. she gulps as she focuses her gaze back on the road. she didn’t know what she’s feeling towards her best friend.

the drive to the dorm was silent, with only the soft tune of the songs on the radio filling the background. mark stumbles on his way out, the alcohol finally kicking in, so taehee had to put her arms around him for the second time that night as she accompanies him all the way up to his room.

after she had helped him to bed, she steps foot into the kitchen for some aspirin and a glass of water, concluding that it might take the members a few more minutes before they arrive, but even so, she couldn’t leave mark alone. once she’s set the two items in her hands on the nightstand beside his bed, she lays her palm against mark’s forehead and his warm skin makes contact with hers. moving his hair from his face, her hand slowly comes to cup his cheek in a gentle manner, as if he’d break. she didn’t realize how the distance lessened between them, too caught up in every one of mark’s features to drift away. 

taehee’s eyes drop down to mark’s lips, and her own pair parts slightly. 

she goes closer, and closer, and closer — until mark stirs a little and taehee gets a whiplash from sitting up too quickly. 

“i told you not to drink too much,” she clears her throat, her eyes that were on his soft lips a few seconds ago were now darting nervously around the room, “we could’ve hung out in the house and drink if we didn’t have a schedule tomorrow.”

mark finally open his eyes. ever since they had entered the apartment and she had laid him down on his bed, he had been listening for her, hoping that she wouldn’t leave so soon. he was on the verge of falling asleep but he didn’t want to give in just yet. 

“well, i had to drink,” mark whispered to her, the depth in his voice causing butterflies to erupt in taehee’s stomach. “i had to.”

the girl clicks her tongue softly and asks, “why?”

“because i’m admitting that i’m in love with you.”

without any more words, taehee feels the atmosphere in the room shift and she holds in her breath. her heart drops into a pit of nerves at his confession, not daring to look back at the boy laying right by her side. her mind was filled with white noise for a moment before there many things began to run through her head. she didn’t know what to feel. 

at the same time, the squiffed boy doesn’t miss the way her smile fades from her features, an unreadable expression replacing it bit by bit. he didn’t have the ability to decipher her reaction in his current state, so it doesn’t stop the next words that soon fly out of his mouth.

“i don’t know how or why or when, but i started to feel all these things whenever i'm with you,” just now does taehee finally meet his eyes. mark likes it better this way, even if he couldn’t understand what feeling she’s looking at him with at the moment. 

“when i’m with you, i’m happy; when you smile, i get these butterflies inside — i always find myself looking at you whenever someone makes a joke and i hear you laugh. and when you dance so well, i feel so proud. it’s exhilarating. you’re exhilarating. but then, it’s also always peaceful with you. all the time. even if we do nothing and just stay beside each other. it’s so comforting, you make me feel... you make me feel warm. it’s like… it’s like you’re my favorite song and i can’t get you out of my head. you mean that much to me,” not once did mark break eye contact, “and i mean it as more than what we have now. it’s a lot more than that, taehee.”

he lets out a deep exhale after that, neither of them expected those words to come out of him. the silence in the room weighs down on taehee like a pile of bricks on her shoulders. she didn’t know what to say. she tried to look for any sort of sign that mark was joking, if this was this some sort of prank to get back at the careless remark she made during the ride there, but to no avail. while there are people out there who would buckle at the knees if someone special had expressed these words to them, so full of raw emotion, taehee can’t help but be afraid.

“taehee,” mark croaks out and it pulls her back to reality. he gives her a small nudge with his knuckle, causing her to instinctively pull her hand away; he was too tired to notice.

the sound of the front door opening catches taehee’s attention, followed by the heavy footsteps of the members entering the living room. she takes a glance at her watch and reads the time: 2:03 am. her eyes trail back to mark, who is now gazing at her with hooded eyes, trying to fight back the fatigue that was weighing on him.

with a quiet sigh, taehee pulls herself up to her feet and runs a nervous hand through her hair. mark unknowingly lets out a soft whine at this, not quite wanting her to leave him just yet.

“you’re drunk, mark,” he hears her say, and the sadness in her tone breaks him a little, “we’ll talk in the morning.”

at some point, mark had already closed his eyes and the sound of taehee’s retreating footsteps was all but faint noise to him. exhaustion, together with the events of today, slowly pull him to sleep while something bothers him.

mark is not drunk, and he chose such an awful time to say the words he had been meaning to for so long.

the last thing in his mind was the feeling of taehee’s hand pulling away when he bumped it with his, before falling into slumber.

IV. JANUARY 23, 2015 IN THE OLD SM ENTERTAINMENT BUILDING

“okay, taehee noona next!”

“ms. jeon, truth or dare?” with a fancy flick of the hand, donghyuck directs the question to taehee, and as usual, it irks her enough for her features to twitch into a scowl, much to his amusement. the other trainees simply laugh at their exchange. this was all completely normal to them. 

“truth.”

“out of all the older trainees,” he draws out, mischief lacing his tone, “who would you crush on and why?” taehee stays silent and ponders on it for a moment despite the loud “oohs” of her friends seated in a circle. she wanted to question what kind of truth she received, what are they, 12? but before she thought about it too long, she answers, “doyoung hyung.”

donghyuck’s eyes widen at the unexpected answer, “no way!” and receives a playful shove from jeno who is snorting at his reaction. “what do you mean “no way”?” taehee’s lips form into an unconscious pout as she leaned back against the wall of the practice room, “he’s nice, he takes care of us well, and he’s a good singer! what’s not to like?”

donghyuck sticks his tongue out teasingly, “why are you being so defensive?”

“why are you being so invasive?”

“you really have a crush on him, don’t you?”

“if i did, i wouldn’t be stuck with you down here.”

“oh, so it’s me that you like then?” the exasperated groan that erupts from taehee causes another batch of hysteria in the group. ever since she had joined their practices, she and donghyuck had gotten more used to their dynamic of bickering back and forth. though there are times when these jokes are taken lightly and everyone is getting a laugh out of it, there are other times wherein mark and jeno worry that their words will start to mean something.

“guys, let’s stop this,” mark chuckles, his grin widening when he makes eye contact with taehee who had a slight frown on her features. “why don’t we go back to practicing, hm?” he dusts his pants off as he stood up, stretching his hand out to jeno to help him up to his feet. the rest start following suit with lingering smiles on their faces. it seems like they hadn’t gotten over what was exchanged during their short game of truth or dare.

“please, i did not eat boogers as a child!” renjun whines, causing taehee to snicker. jeno, who holds back from teasing the younger boy further, throws an arm around him and chuckles, “mhm, sure.”

“he was so red at the question earlier though,” the person beside taehee murmurs and she doesn’t hold back the laugh that escapes her. 

she was koeun, another trainee her age that has been in the label almost a year longer than her. they were never really close in the first place, only greeting each other in passing, but ever since they all left, small talks in the hallway turned into long conversations during practice. these carried onto lunch, then to the same bus taehee used to take with the girls back to the dorms. there were others that tagged along too sometimes, but koeun was the closest to her.

“because it’s embarrassing,” taehee replies. she reaches down to her toes to stretch, “but i wouldn’t doubt it though.”

koeun giggles along with her as she goes into another warm-up pose right across her, “so would you say that you were lying about doyoung oppa awhile ago?”

“what made you say that?”

“you didn’t seem embarrassed!” another laugh erupts from taehee’s throat despite the displeased look on koeun’s features.

“it’s just a slight crush, koeunnie. it’s not that bad,” she playfully sticks her tongue out at the female trainee before running over the choreography they’ve learned earlier, hoping she’d dismiss the topic. but to her dismay, she doesn’t, “oh my god, so you do have a crush on him!”

“keep it down!” taehee shushes her, a light blush fanning over her cheeks, “and it’s not serious. i’ll probably forget it in the future.”

koeun purses her lips for a moment, raising her brows in hopes of intimidating taehee enough to pull the truth out of her, but she was a strong opponent. with a sigh, she roles her eyes and puffs out the air from her cheeks, causing the bangs on her forehead to fly away from their place. taehee reaches a hand out to fix them. she proceeds to mock the pout on koeun’s face as she pulls away, getting back to do a light run after teasing her friend. the latter rolls her eyes with a slight quirk on her lips before doing the same as taehee.

the silence between them, except for their soft pants and the squeaking of their shoes, was soon disrupted when koeun spoke up. “you know, for a second, i thought you were going to say mark.”

taehee lets out another sigh, “the truth was about the older members.”

“well, mark is older.”

“you are the most stubborn person i’ve ever met.”

“wow, are you talking to yourself?” koeun bites back sarcastically, before sharing a laugh over their banter. she leans in closer to whisper, “but seriously, you never had a thing for mark?”

now, taehee’s confused. her brows furrow at her question and shakes her head no. “what made you say that?”

“you guys seem really close,” koeun blinks up at her, smiling, “like really close.”

“because we are close friends,” taehee tells her matter-of-factly, bending down to tie her shoelaces, “and we’re young. i don’t think we should be thinking about that stuff.”

koeun scoffs, watching taehee get back on her feet and fix the waistband of her joggers, “who says?”

“i did. let’s get back to practice so we can head to lunch early!”

and she was right — little taehee, too young to know what love was until she was too stubborn to see what was right there in front of her when she got older.

V. NOVEMBER 6, 2021 IN GANGNAM, SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA

as soon as taehee steps into the waiting room, a series of claps, shouts, and hollers fill the room, causing embarrassment to flush up her bare features.

“guess who’s treating us to sushi!” johnny exclaims as he cups his hands around his mouth. meanwhile, haechan shows his excitement by dancing with his juice bottle in hand. taehee rolls her eyes and brushes them off with a shrug, “it’s just sushi.”

“would you want to add meat to the deal?”

“we agreed upon sushi.”

taehee pokes on haechan’s chest and lightly yanks on his tie to which he responds by dramatically choking on his dark pink fruit juice. “mom!” he wails, an exaggerated frown taking over his expression.

the stylist ushers taehee quickly to the dressing room for her to change and in less than five minutes, she’s out with a white dress shirt, the first few buttons undone, and blue slacks to fit their concept for today’s stage.

she sits down on one of the chairs in front of the mirror without a thought and lets the hairstylist begin combing her hair. as usual, she’s going to have her hair up in a ponytail with a few strands left out at the front.

“close your eyes please,” one of them said, and taehee did as told. the brush tickles her for a moment before the feeling quickly disappeared.

“hey,” the voice makes taehee tense in her seat, or rather, the owner of the voice makes her tense in her seat. that joyful yet soft tone belonged to none other than mark, but she wanted nothing more than to tune him out at the moment.

ever since that night, he has been countlessly trying to talk to taehee yet their conversations (if you could even call them that) were always cut short, with her moving away from him as soon as she could. while she did so with a forced smile hanging on her lips, mark was left with a crestfallen expression, knowing the reason why she’s ignoring him in the first place was about that night.

it was easy, taehee thought, considering they weren’t roommates anymore and that she took a different road home as mark went back to the members’ new apartment. but mark was persistent, and it became more difficult every time she sees the hurt look on his face. she still didn’t know what to say, let alone feel, after hearing those words from mark.

she didn’t want anyone to know that there was something wrong between them though, so she answered mark as she felt the stylist do her makeup on her other eye. “hi, mark,” she didn’t sound too interested.

the boy sitting on the chair next to her awkwardly chuckles after sensing her tone, “why were you late?”

“producers from another company wanted to meet. a girl group is debuting soon, so….”

“did it take long?”

“a bit.”

“but everything went well?”

“yup.”

“well…okay,” dejected at her short responses, mark deflates back to his seat and holds back a sigh. taehee was definitely ignoring him. he bites the inside of his cheek; he started to feel hurt, mind drifting to how she acted after his confession that night. he felt like a fool as he recalled the day after halloween — the day taehee said they’d talk but she kept finding excuses not to until she did it again the next day, and the day after, and the days after.

maybe he read things wrong, mark thinks to himself, but before he could overwhelm himself with his thoughts any longer, jungwoo beckons him over from one of the couches and invites him to a game. he looks beside him, taehee now on her phone, and sees no more reason to stay. he gets up and joins the other members.

soon, they finish the performance and monitor when they’re back in the waiting room. mark can’t help but feel butterflies yet, at the same time, pain when taehee appears on the screen. she looks like nothing had happened; as if nothing’s been bothering her these past few days because that’s how she always is.

maybe she didn’t care. maybe she wanted to forget it and move on. so many thoughts ran through mark’s head and it overwhelmed him on the silent way home. he didn’t stay in the apartment for too long because he soon finds himself outside, hands warming themselves within the comforts of his pockets after pushing on the doorbell beside taehee’s gate.

“mark,” the girl breathes out as soon as she’s opened the metal door, “what are you doing here? it’s late, you should be resting.”

she never fails to tug on his heart strings, even when the hurt starts to bloom in his chest. “we need to talk, taehee.”

“can’t it wait until tomorrow?” mark shakes his head no, because once tomorrow comes, they’ll be in another endless cycle that’ll get him wondering what went wrong. it’ll keep him up and he wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. with a meek nod, taehee lets him in and closes the gate behind him.

chubs greets him with a high pitched bark as soon as they enter the house, excitement evident in the way the puppy wags her tail as she pawed at his jeans. mark bends down to coo at her, running his hands through her soft fur, while taehee heads straight to the kitchen to get him a glass of water.

noticing her absence in the living room, the smell of coffee wafts to his nose and he follows it until he reaches the kitchen. he sees taehee’s back turned to him as she pours the contents of the coffee pot into her mug. “there’s a glass on the table,” he hears her say next, and his eyes drift to a few feet in front of him, the glass still under the dim kitchen light.

he pulls one of the chairs back and the sound it makes causes his heart rate to pick up. the silence in the atmosphere was so heavy that even chubs’ playful footsteps in the living room did nothing to distract him. his gaze moves up when taehee sits across him, eyes unmoving from her mug until a few seconds later.

and for a while, they just sat. it was certain that they both knew about the huge elephant in the room, and they were sure the other knew about it too.

mark was the first to speak up, “we need to talk.”

“you said that awhile ago,” taehee replies almost nonchalantly. she takes another sip of her coffee before asking, “what about?”

“well, you know,” he twiddles with his thumbs like a young school boy, bringing his head down before making eye contact with taehee again, “about that night.”

this time that taehee tenses, mark notices. he knows that she knows. “i meant it, taehee, every word.”

“you were drunk—”

“i wasn’t,” mark defends, brows slightly furrowing at the accusation, “if i was, then i wouldn’t have said all those words. if i was, i wouldn’t have remembered how warm your skin was against mine and how it felt when you pulled away from me.”

“if i was drunk, taehee, i wouldn’t have remembered how you almost kissed me that night.”

taehee didn’t know she was holding her breath until she heard mark gulp. his eyes were searching for something in hers, noticing how tears prickled the corner of her eyes. his face immediately softens, but he doesn’t lean back in his seat. he doesn’t stand up and go to her side like he normally would when he sees her on the verge of tears. mark is hurt too and he needed to stand his ground.

“i don’t know,” taehee says after a few beats of silence, “i don’t know why i did that but it was nothing.”

“what do you mean ‘nothing’?”

“i don’t know, mark. just stop it—”

“how do you expect me to just stop it when you’ve been ignoring me for days?” mark became vulnerable in front of her as he cried out. he didn’t shout — no, he could never do that to taehee — but his voice was clear enough to let her know of the tear in his heart. “taehee, i’ve tried to show you. i couldn’t at first but i eventually did because i couldn’t help myself. i’ve tried to make you happy — happier — since these past few months. and you acted like— you acted like you felt the same way, so i waited,” he chokes out, “i waited, but i’ve told you now and i need an answer.”

so, taehee wasn’t imagining it after all. the lighthearted jokes, his compliments that seemed too genuine for him to be fooling her, the times they’ve called and he’d play the guitar for her until she’d fallen asleep — they were all genuine, yet taehee was too afraid to see the intentions underneath them.

“mark,” taehee croaks out, coffee long forgotten as she ran a hand through her hair in despair. a tear slips past the corner of her eye and she disconnects her gaze with the boy across her momentarily before returning, “i don’t— we’re never…it’s never going to work out. i have just too much baggage on me and i don’t want to drag you into this mess. once they find out, we’re never going to escape it, mark, and i don’t want you going through that.”

her statement causes mark’s mouth to part in disbelief, “is this about the media? taehee, who gives a fuck about what they say?”

“i do!” her voice booms, finger pointing to her chest as tears streamed down her cheeks, “you weren’t the one being sent death threats to at sixteen, mark. you weren’t the one being bullied for debuting in a supposed boy group, being called names just because. you weren’t the one stopped from visiting your family because your job was said to be more important!”

“directly or not, they took things from me, mark,” she tells him, voice weaker as if she was pleading him, “i don’t want to risk losing you.”

a low sigh slips past mark’s lips as he stares back at taehee with downturned eyes, “you won’t though.”

“you’ll regret it because—”

“i won’t.”

“—there are too many risks. won’t you get tired?”

“so what makes jaehyun hyung so different then?”

taehee was taken aback by the sudden mention of the older member. confused, she asks, “what does jaehyun have anything to do with this?”

“how is it easy for you to date jaehyun hyung,” mark’s voice shakes, “someone you claimed you didn’t even have real feelings for, but so difficult to even admit that you like me too?”

taehee knows he’s right, but she couldn’t bring herself to admit her feelings without knowing what they really are at first. all she felt was pain and frustration, pulling back from the table and holding her head in her hands as her best friend watched her. “i don’t know, mark,” she says for the nth time.

“you don’t know?” it’s the first time his voice cracks that night, and taehee to looks up as soon as she heard the sound, only to meet his pain-stricken eyes, “or you just don’t want to?”

he leans forward, placing his elbows on the table. the dim light illuminates his broken eyes so prettily yet so heartbreaking, “not even just a split second did you consider having feelings for me? not even by mistake?” 

words hang on the tip of taehee’s tongue, but she shakes her head no. “i can’t say ‘yes’ completely, so i’m not going to say it at all,” she whispers it like a finality, the final tear in mark’s heart.

so, without another word, the despondent boy gets up and leaves, chubs’ resonating barks chasing after him. all taehee could do was put her head in her hands and let the waterworks flow, because losing mark was the exact thing she tried to avoid, yet did so cruelly just a few moments ago.

VI. DECEMBER 13, 2015 IN THE OLD SM ENTERTAINMENT BUILDING

“did you hear about the news?”

“what news?”

“jeon taehee’s gonna be added to nct. she’s the only girl there!”

“what the hell?”

“i bet her parents paid the company or something,” the disembodied voice murmurs, “i heard her mom’s a doctor. they must be rich.”

“what a waste though, right?” the two trainees leave together, giggling at their joke. little did they know, taehee heard every ill word that came out of them.

and as usual, she says nothing.

this has been going on for about a week, rumors springing left and right about how taehee landed her debut. she was talented for sure, anyone with two eyes can see that, but to be the only girl in a boy group? it got some of the higher-ups thinking what their ceo had in mind. sm was always successful in leading the trends though, so they put their trust in the plan wholeheartedly. unfortunately, it just didn’t seem to make sense for others.

“i’ll go tell them to back off,” koeun suggests to taehee, aggressively biting off a chunk of her bread just to prove a point, but the latter shakes her head in disapproval.

“what? you have to tell them, taehee, or they won’t stop.”

“they’ll stop when i debut,” the girl says, pushing her body off the wall and taking koeun’s free hand in hers to drag her to the practice room. “i won’t hear it from them anymore. i just don’t want to stir up anything for now, okay?” taehee looks to her friend beside her. she watches as her brows downturn into a slight pout, “fine, but just say the word and i got you.”

“sure, koeunnie.”

another set of days passed since then, yet the rumors didn’t stop coming. it was starting to affect taehee bit by bit, her confidence deflating the longer she listened to what the other trainees had to say.

but she didn’t do anything about it. she kept quiet when she could and cried during the nights they got too harsh. it was starting to take a toll on her relationships with others, too. she was no longer as lively as she was with koeun, no longer sticking around to wait for mark and the others after training, no longer taking doyoung’s offers on a free meal during the weekends. it was like the world around her has dissolved into a tempered blur she found so hard to break free from.

“did you see how coach scolded taehee this morning?” one of the trainees snickered, “they’re gonna remove her from the debut line soon.”

“huh, really?”

at the mention of taehee’s name, mark and donghyuck stop in their tracks. their confused gazes meet each other halfway, the elder’s brows more furrowed than the younger one’s. something wasn’t right.

the second speaker’s question must’ve been sarcastic though as they made another remark about taehee, “then her parents could just pay them again! the bitch is always lucky, wow.”

donghyuck’s eyes widen a fraction when he sees something snap in mark’s eyes. the seemingly cheery and level-headed trainee turns on his heels and proceeds to send a harsh glare towards the two others down the hall.

the taller one of them is the first to notice, “what are you looking at, kid?” great, it’s one of the older trainees, donghyuck thinks to himself, hoping they don’t get into trouble. he brings his gaze back to mark to gauge his reaction. his determined eyes and clenched jaw tells him his hyung is holding back from doing something he might regret later. the look causes goosebumps to rise on donghyuck’s skin, what more for their audience.

“you don’t know what you’re talking about,” mark tells the supposed elder, respectfully, “so i suggest you to quit it.”

the older trainee is baffled at his statement — moreover, his courage — but he tries not to show it. they take a few steps forward, the other following, and this time, mark and donghyuck fully turn to them like a stare down about to take place.

“ah, mark,” they sneer, smugness reeling from their tone, “it doesn’t mean that you’re debuting that you get to talk to me like that. i’m still your elder.”

“the formalities are still there,” donghyuck chimes in, slyly adding an honorific by the end of his statement to annoy them further, “you shouldn’t be talking about taehee noona like that if you still want to be respected.”

“do you even know how she got into your group? it’s insane!” the shorter one, their thick bangs covering their seemingly thick forehead, steps forward and it starts to irk the two boys, “the only girl among all of you? fucking crazy!”

donghyuck opens his mouth to speak but mark is ahead of him, “we weren’t the ones who made the decision, neither did she. she’s talented—”

“then debut her in a girl group then! why her and not us?!”

donghyuck scoffs, “with that attitude, you won’t.”

“what the fuck did you just say?” the distance between the two parties was just a feet apart, the glares from each side getting harsher and harsher. the eldest one angrily looks donghyuck up and down but the latter keeps his head up.

“don’t curse at the younger kid,” mark steps in between them, pushing donghyuck slightly back, but it doesn’t break his icy stare. “and don’t say stuff that aren’t even true,” he continues, “it doesn’t mean that she’s debuting and you’re not that you get to talk behind her back. it says a lot about you, actually.”

the trainee in front of him furrows their brows together, “you little—” they whip their head away in frustration, and for some reason, mark’s not scared at all. he was doing the right thing defending his friend, so why should he?

“what would you think if she’s fucking with them?” the sinister grin the elder has on their face makes mark’s blood boil. what the fuck?

“she’ll fuck with you too, i’m sure,” they add, and when neither mark or donghyuck reply, the more satisfaction grows on their face, “it’s a shame. she’s too young.”

mark takes a step forward, and another. donghyuck, afraid that he would do the unthinkable, reaches for his arm but misses. it’s not a doubt that he’s both frustrated and heartbroken at the situation.

“she’s sixteen,” mark spits out right at the older trainee’s face, teeth gritting together and filled with indignation, “jeon taehee is a billion times more than the idol you’ll ever be; a billion times more than the person you’ll ever become, and if you say anything bad about her, you’ll get more than just a warning.”

both of the other trainees’ pokerfaces did nothing to conceal their belittlement at mark’s courage. “so keep her name out of your mouths,” he murmurs, “respectfully.”

it takes a few more moments of silence until the two trainees break off, leaving in an upset state, and donghyuck’s eyes follow them on the way out with a look of disgust in his features.

“let’s go, hyung,” he nudges mark once they’ve left, but the latter doesn’t budge. “mark hyung,” he repeats, twisting his whole body towards him, “you need to cool off, c’mon.” mark’s not looking at him though, and donghyuck follows his gaze until it reaches the end of the hallway.

and there taehee was, unmoving with glassy eyes. she had a plastic bag of snacks in her hand, but her hold was weak on them. they didn’t need to ask her to know she had heard everything.

before donghyuck could even call her, she takes off in the other direction, disappearing behind the walls of the hallway. mark was chasing after taehee before he knew it, leaving donghyuck behind.

he knew better not to follow; he had caused her to cry during a few previous encounters, he wouldn’t know what to do to comfort her. but after hearing those distasteful things earlier, he just prays this would be the first and last time she’d ever be hearing those words.

meanwhile, mark catches taehee by the arm right around the corner. he pulls her to face him, but she crouches down to the floor and immediately puts her head in her hands, trying to keep in her cries.

the boy’s brows furrow as he bends down in front of her, caressing the sides of her head and moving her hair out of her face. “since when?” he asks.

he hears how the question makes her cry harder, or at least tried to — taehee was so good at keeping her sobs muffled. mark knew her enough to notice how affected she was, “taehee, why didn’t you tell me?”

“or at least koeun? doyoung hyung? taeyong hyung? or i don’t know, someone? you don’t deserve this, taehee.”

the girl in front of him doesn’t answer for a while, keeping her head down until she modulated her cries. “hmm?” he hums, concerned laced in it, and taehee proceeds to tell him but her voice was faint.

“what was that?”

“i said, why’d you do that?” she finally looks up at mark, causing him to immediately soften at seeing her puffy eyelids, “you didn’t have to do that to yourself!”

mark’s lips part in disbelief before shaking his head, “did you even hear what they said about you?”

“i know, but—”

“i couldn’t let those slide!” mark tells her. he gingerly cups her face in his hands as if she were glass, “don’t expect me to just stand there. they aren’t even saying the truth.”

taehee removes mark’s hands as she stood up, anxiously pacing before him as he followed suit, “exactly! that’s why we should just let them be, please.”

“taehee, why are you doing this to yourself?”

“because,” she finally faces him, lessening the distance between them while she intertwines her hands together, knuckles whitening at how tight she held them, “we can’t debut if we do stuff like this! it’ll stir more things up and you can’t keep defending me — it’ll bring you down too. mark, it’ll ruin your chance, please.”

the boy was speechless. how could taehee be so worried about him when she’s supposed to be worrying about herself? “what—”

“just stop it, mark,” she shakes her head at him, “i can handle it.” he wants to tell her that she can handle it better with him, or anybody really; that if she could just let him in, maybe the baggage would be lighter for her. but taehee’s built this stone wall secure around her that it was so difficult to crumble down. “just don’t bother,” she says quietly, and so he lets her walk away, plastic bag forgotten on the floor as she took the stairs down.

they didn’t speak for a week after that.

this was their first fight.

VII. NOVEMBER 24, 2021 IN GANGNAM, SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA

it’s been weeks since mark and taehee stopped talking to each other. the latter seems to just play it off in front of the members, in front of the camera, sending soft smiles towards the former’s direction like everything’s fine.

while taehee hopes to not worry the others, it comes off badly to mark. at first, he was annoyed. how could she just pretend like everything’s okay after what she told him? but then, he felt pain, like a hammer pressing down on his chest every time he looked at her.

because no matter how badly his heart hurt that night, his mind still continues to drift to thoughts about her every single day. every time taehee takes one step forward, mark takes three back. she stops trying after the second week.

the ringing of the doorbell late at night disrupts taehee’s peace. it’s two hours before midnight, and for some reason, she feels deja vu creep up on her as she walks outside towards the gate.

“hello! your favorite dongsaeng brought you your favorite food—”

“haechan-ah, it’s late in the evening—”

“but!” he holds a finger up in front of her, effectively shushing her, “your favorite dongsaeng is also cold and he’s hoping you could let him in?”

silence. “it’s past ten,” taehee then points out, “we have practice tomorrow.”

“as soon as we finish this pasta i made, i’ll go home,” the younger boy pleads, almost batting his eyes at her as he leaned on the gate. he forms his lips into the most adorable pout he could muster and taehee’s expression shows she has given in before she could let the words out, “you have to go straight home and rest—”

“YAY!”

almost an hour later, taehee and haechan sit comfortably beside each other on the couch, feet propped up on the coffee table as a movie played on the screen. empty plates of aglio e olio have been laying in the sink since minutes prior. love, rosie is in its final scenes as alex, played by sam claflin, enters the hotel. 

“so for almost two hours, we just watched these two pine over each other and go through all that pain?” haechan chimes from his position, head snug on taehee’s shoulder. 

“well, their paths didn’t align in the beginning,” the older girl hums, “they only realized their feelings were mutual by the end.”

“right,” haechan trailed off, letting silence fill the air once more. the end credits of the film roll on the screen, but none of them bothered to move. he wanted to say something, the question was hanging right on the tip of his tongue, but he holds back because he is unknowing of the gravity of the situation. he wouldn’t know how she’d react hearing his name. 

but donghyuck wanted to help like he should’ve last time. he doesn’t want to witness what happened between his friends years back all over again. after taking in a short huff of hair, donghyuck asks the question he and the members have been meaning to ask for so long, “noona, is something going on between you and mark hyung?”

he feels taehee tense, like she stopped breathing after hearing mark’s name tumble out of his mouth. haechan pulls himself to sit up and turns his body to her, but she doesn’t meet his eyes right away, “because i noticed. the hyungs did too and we’re worried.”

so with a heavy heart, taehee opens up to him. she tells him about how mark was always by her side and how they put the other before themselves. she tells him about the time mark sneaked into one of their producers’ studios when they were trainees to retrieve her stolen hard drive. she tells him about how mark would hold her hand in the airport because of her situation at the time. she tells him about how mark would get protective when superm used to go on tour because of the locals would approach her and ask for her number, and how well he played the boyfriend role when they filmed her back to december cover, chuckling. 

and then, taehee tells him about mark’s birthday — how she felt like he was going to tell her something but ended up saying something different. she tells him about what mark said when she brought him to their apartment after the halloween party; how she almost kissed him. and she tells him about their fight — how mark said he wasn’t drunk and that he meant every word that he said, how she couldn’t find the words to say because she didn’t know what she felt at that time, how mark brought up jaehyun, and how he left after she told him she couldn’t answer him ‘yes’ completely. 

and haechan listened. sweet little donghyuck who used to tease his noona almost all the time now held her in his arms as she recounted her story with mark, wet diamonds sliding down her cheeks as she leaned into him. 

he doesn’t respond right away when she finished, allowing her to process everything and let her be alone with her feelings. haechan continues stroking her hair softly and wipes her tears away when he could. 

when haechan thinks it’s okay to speak, he whispers, “thank you for opening up to me, noona. you did the right thing, i’m so proud of you.”

“i just feel like i hurt him badly,” she cries, weak fingers covering her tear-filled eyes, “i feel so sorry, i couldn’t figure out my feelings.”

“i know, noona,” haechan coos, and he wraps his arms around her tighter. he rocks her back and forth on the couch in her home, hoping to provide solace to her as much as possible. 

he already had a hunch on mark’s feelings towards his best friend, you would be blind not to. and taehee, haechan thought, doesn’t treat anyone, let alone look at anyone, the way she treats mark. she treats him with so much care and adoration yet holds onto him like a lifeline. taehee didn’t need to let mark in, she already placed her whole trust in him. 

she needed to trust in herself, he thinks. she needed to trust that she could love mark just as much without having to hold either of them back from anything. 

”you know, hyung keeps a picture of you two in his wallet.”

“you’re just making stuff up,” taehee turns her head to look him in the eyes as she sniffs.

the brown haired boy simply goes back to carding his fingers through her hair as he comforts her, remembering the time he got a hold of mark’s wallet in dallas and was pleasantly surprised to see a fading polaroid of mark and taehee. he could tell it was from when they were filming the music video for we go up, when the members sprayed each other with hoses and water guns. haechan continues, “i’m just saying. you’re a very special person to him if he keeps something that reminds him of you in the stuff he brings everyday.”

“but i’m always with him,” well, always was with him.

“then i guess he really likes you huh,” haechan chuckles. he parts from taehee for a bit and sees that she’s no longer crying, calmer than she was awhile ago.

taehee lifts her head up to look up at him with glossy eyes and tear-stained cheeks, and haechan holds himself back from pinching her cheeks because she reminded him of his little sister. “i miss him, haechan-ah.”

“i know, noona,” the younger boy tells her, the corners of his lips raising into a sad smile, “i’m sure he does too.”

VIII. DECEMBER 21, 2015 IN THE OLD SM ENTERTAINMENT BUILDING

“mark hyung,” donghyuck calls out from the corner of the practice room as he sits, letting his weight slide down the floor until his whole body is lying flat on the cold wooden floor, “i wanna go home already.”

the older boy continued dancing skillfully in front of the mirror. donghyuck had been begging him to go home since minutes ago that his whines became all but background noise to the music that was playing through the speakers. 

“hyung,” donghyuck tries again. he lifts his head up to glare at mark through the mirror but he was too focused on his dancing to notice. with slight annoyance, he puffs out the air from his cheeks and pulls himself to stand up. “i’m going to get something to drink,” he heads his way out the door, briefly stopping to say, “we better go home once i finish.” he huffs once more, sure that mark doesn’t hear him. 

when donghyuck leaves, it’s just mark, the music, and his thoughts alone. 

he kept getting a particular move wrong over and over, it began to frustrate him. he drags himself to the speakers to stop the music, his legs tired from practicing. he decides to take a quick seat down and sighs. he couldn’t get the memory of those two other trainees and taehee crying out of his head no matter how hard he tried to push them back.

it all just didn’t make sense to him. taehee was always the one standing up for the other trainees, she wasn’t afraid as long as she believed she was doing the right thing. it got to the point that she would sometimes get in trouble for doing so, but she remained firm. so why couldn’t she do the same for herself? why couldn’t she let her friends do the same for her?

he remembers how he asked koeun about it a few days after their fight and is disturbed to know it has been going on for weeks. “there were a lot of times i wanted to speak up,” he recalls her saying, “but she stopped me every time and just told them to let them be. can you believe that?”

a frown unknowingly takes its place on mark’s features. he didn’t like seeing his best friend hurt, especially when no one’s doing anything about it.

a loud bang from the hallway distracts him from his thoughts, and his eyes immediately fly open to the slightly ajar door of the practice room. “donghyuck?” mark calls out, but he receives no reply.

“donghyuck,” he calls again, trying to sound more firm as he stands up and heads towards the door. the eerie silence and dimness in the hallway sends goosebumps on his skin. if he’s playing another one of his pranks, i swear to god, mark thinks. 

he hears someone’s shoes squeak against the tiles and he whips his head to the side, the pace of his heart increasing when he’s met with no one. he remembers the stories the hyungs told them, about how some of the guards would hear weird sounds coming from empty closet rooms late at night or how things went missing whenever people trained past eleven. and the most popular one — how aggressive red tunes playing from the piano in the vocal room would disrupt the peace of the whole building once the clock struck a quarter to one in the morning. no one knew who, or what, was playing loudly at such an hour, but they didn’t want to either. mark just hopes he and donghyuck head home before that.

he hears a cluster of light footsteps just around the corner, causing a relieved sigh to come out of him. he starts to walk closer to it, “donghyuck, finally—”

“AAAAAAAA!”

“AAAH!” mark immediately jumps back in fear — the scream definitely did not belong to donghyuck.

“mark, what the hell. that scared me!” the person he bumped into shouts, and he recognizes her voice before he even sees her face. he reaches a hand out to taehee to help her to her feet and proceeds to pick up her backpack. “are you okay? are you hurt?” he placed a soft hold on her arm and tugs on it lightly, tiptoeing to check if there were any lumps on her head.

“you know you would have to touch it to check if i had a bump on my head, right?” taehee hums, causing mark to immediately pull away and clear his throat. the darkness of the hallway conceals his cheeks that were growing redder by the moment and he awkwardly hands her backpack back. “my butt hurts from the fall but i’m fine,” taehee grins at him.

it was like last week didn’t happen at all, mark thinks, but these thoughts soon diminish when taehee’s eyes start to drift to anywhere but him, rocking back and forth on on her heels.

mark gives her a short nod and takes a step back to leave but taehee stops him. “hmm?” he hums, noticing how she pulls her outstretched arm back to her side.

“i’m sorry for kinda lashing out on you last week,” she starts off meekly. “i understand why’d you do that. i just got so scared that we might cause some drama with the older kids and they’d tell on us. they might never let you debut.”

taehee looks up from the floor to see mark’s doting eyes staring right back at her. he looks comforting like this, she thinks, before realizing that she’d want mark to take care of her until he couldn’t, because she’d wish for him to stay by her side for as long as possible.

mark scrunches his nose, an action taehee secretly found adorable, before shaking his head, “that will never happen.”

“and if it did, will you regret doing what you did?”

“taehee,” he drops his voice down to a whisper even if he knew they were the only ones in the hallway. he takes a step closer and he places each of his hands on her shoulders, “i will do it a million times over and over.”

taehee rolls her eyes, yet her lips seem to be telling a different story with the way they twitch upwards into a smirk, “why put yourself through that again though?”

a giggle slips out the girl but mark could only gaze at her so lovingly without realizing. the answer was simple anyways. “because you’re my best friend,” he answers her.

taehee’s soft laughter slowly dissolves when she realizes mark was being serious. her brows furrow for a moment, before a genuine grin stretches her pink lips. “yeah,” she breathes out, “and you’re mine too.”

“i just don’t want you hearing those kinds of things,” mark continues, and taehee nods as a sign that she’s listening and that she understands. “debuting or not, you don’t deserve that kind of treatment. you’re the most hard working and kindhearted person i’ve ever met, that’s why you’re the best. don’t settle for less, taehee. not ever.”

“yes, oppa,” taehee jokes, before sticking her tongue out at him and causing mark to laugh. he proceeds to say that she isn’t taking him seriously but she reassures him that she is. “thank you, mark,” she tells him, sincerity laced in every word, “i appreciate it.”

mark opens his mouth to reply but a clanking noise pulls his and taehee’s attention to the side. the older boy reaches for the girl like it was an instinct and pulls her closer.

they start to hear footsteps, getting louder and louder each passing second. panicked, taehee whispers to mark and steps behind him, “oh my god, mark, what if the ghost stories are real?”

“ghosts aren’t real,” he whispers back, despite the countless of times he had listened to her rant about some of the things she saw back in the dormitory.

“are you calling me crazy then?”

they see the figure’s shadow grow in size — it was getting closer. they both internally brace themselves for whatever they were about to see, but their chests soon deflate when donghyuck emerges from the corner, nonchalantly throwing his empty bottle of juice into the trash bin before turning to them fully. “oh?” his eyebrows raise when he sees the two together, “noona?”

“you’re still here?” he asks again. now that he was an arm’s reach away, mark finally punches him in the shoulder and the younger boy lets out a wail. he rubs the spot where he had hit him and decides to take a step next to taehee, as if he was using her as a shield in case mark decides to attack him again. “that was so uncalled for!” he whines.

“you should’ve told me you were going to get something!” mark argues back.

“i did! you were too busy to hear me, so was that really my fault?”

“okay, boys, cut it out,” taehee chimes in, placing a hand on each of their chests to separate them.

“noona, he attacked me!” mark rolls his eyes at the pout and doe eyes donghyuck sends the girl, feeling something form in the pit of his stomach but he ignores it.

“i saw,” taehee simply shrugs at him, and for a second, mark felt victorious seeing the tiny smirk tinting her expression. she steps in front of them and says, “why won’t you two talk about it on the way home, hmm?” taehee slowly backs up, still holding eye contact with them as she walked backwards, “go now. shoo!”

“you aren’t coming with us?” mark asks, innocent eyes waiting in anticipation, causing taehee to stop in her tracks. “we take different buses home, mark. mine will do its last round in a minute, so i have to go.”

“oh. okay,” donghyuck almost wants to laugh at how dejected his hyung sounded. what is he? in love with her or something? he wonders to himself.

“but we’re good though, right?” taehee asks again. “of course, we are,” and that was all she needed.

she bids him goodnight, as well as donghyuck, surprising him, and leaves. their eyes follow taehee until she disappears around the corner before heading back to the practice room to retrieve their stuff.

a snicker sounds out of donghyuck as they walk to their bus stop. “oh,” he mocks mark’s tone from earlier, “okay.” the weak shove he receives from the elder causes him to cackle into the cold winter night, his young bright grin matching the one on mark’s features.

“shut up, donghyuck.”

IX. DECEMBER 19, 2021 IN THE NEW NCT 127 DORM

the drive home was silent. everyone was tired, but a few were completely exhausted.  

it was wonderful seeing the fans again and getting to perform with a live audience in such a long time. for a moment there, taehee forgot about the world. for a moment, it was just them, the fans, and the stage. she couldn’t wipe off the grin that made her all the more radiant even if she tried. she was really happy. 

now that it was over, all taehee wanted to do was flop down on her bed and sleep. yet no matter how much her feet ached and how heavy her fatigue was, she couldn’t get an ounce of sleep in the car. at least haechan, who was snoring peacefully on her shoulder, got to do so. she knows how tired he could get considering the amount of comebacks they did for all the units they were in.

but there was one person she worried more than anyone else. it made her a bit guilty harboring those kinds of feelings. 

“please, hyung,” taehee sighs, standing just outside the elevator, “doyoung oppa.”

“why don’t you just give it to them yourself?” the older male argues, tone soft as he raised his eyebrows questioningly at the girl, “why’d you have to pull me back and wait for the rest of them to enter the apartment?”

“because...” taehee’s voice trails off as her eyes dropped to the floor. it was as if her converse sneakers were the most interesting thing in the world. she knows that doyoung could answer that question himself. she knows that he knows why she couldn’t just give the packs of herbal tea and the huge thermos of soup to the members he shared the apartment with.

“hmm?” doyoung hums.

“he won’t take it if he knows it’s from me,” taehee tells him anyway. when she raises her head and looks at him, her face drops into another frown at his reaction, “why are you looking at me like that?”

“how are you so sure mark won’t take it if it’s from you?” doyoung shifts his weight to his other foot, stealing a glance at the apartment door before going back to taehee. he knows she’s tired too, but who knows what kind of thoughts keep her up at night when she’s apart from her best friend like this. “just bring it inside,” he gestures to the bag in her hands with his chin, “maybe he’ll forgive you when he sees it as a peace offering.”

but another sigh escapes taehee and she shakes her head no, “a simple peace offering won’t fix my mistake.”

doyoung wants to ask more questions. so many questions hang on the tip of his tongue but out of respect to their privacy, he settles on giving her a simple nod. “because—” taehee blurts out before shutting up, and the sound makes doyoung’s curious but considerate eyes move up to her own.

the younger girl bites the inside of her cheek when she sees the look on doyoung’s face. she doesn’t know where to start. she already told haechan days before, but for some reason, she wanted the man in front of her, someone who she looked up to and turned for advice, to tell her something different than what she already knew.

she lets out the umpteenth sigh for the night and doyoung already knows he’s got her. she needed to let it out at some point, and he wanted to let her know he was there for her.

“i can’t tell you mark’s side of the story because it’s not mine to tell,” taehee starts off, “but for me, i’m just scared. good things don’t happen with me, and i’m scared i might end up hurting him more than i already did.”

a small frown starts to take place on doyoung’s features. he’s heard these kinds of words from her before. taehee used to doubt her success much more than she did now — debuting as the only female in a boy group wasn’t easy from what he could tell. he wanted to let her know that she had overcome it already, but there are certain moments like these that just bring her confidence down almost like in the past. how he wished he could make things better for her somehow. “don’t say that,” he murmurs softly, “things aren’t so bad all the time. you overcome them and that’s just life — you’re doing it now even. just trust yourself, taehee-ah.”

“not like that,” she gulps, before thinking of the right words to say next. her reply causes doyoung’s brows to furrow in confusion. was that not where she was going at?

“doyoung oppa,” taehee says finally, receiving an acknowledging hum in return, “you know my parents don’t live in the same house, right?”

“yeah… your mom works in a different town. why?”

“i never..” her voice cracks and she takes a deep breath, prompting the older male to take a step closer out of concern, “i never really got to be with my mom until i was five. i thought that was just because it was when i started remembering things but we never had pictures together except the day i was born. after that, there was nothing else; my pictures were all with my dad when i was a baby.”

“during the time i,” her lips twitch into a frown, as if she was stopping herself from crying, so doyoung takes her hand in hers and rubs his thumb against it comfortingly. “during the time i met my mom, i guess, she was doing her internship at a local hospital, but she wanted to go work in another one. it was the one she was really aiming for.”

“the one out of town,” doyoung wondered out loud, and so taehee nods.

“my dad was asking her to stay, more like begging, but i guess she took it the wrong way. maybe, she was offended. i vividly remember her saying that this isn’t what she wanted; that settling on just pining over her dreams after she had worked so hard would make her hate the life she has with him.” she purses her lips and she forces a smile onto her face, “oppa, i think i came at the wrong time. they weren’t happy back then, so…” taehee opens her mouth to say more, but she has a feeling doyoung knew what she meant with the saddened look he is currently giving her.

worried, doyoung bites his lip when a tear drops from the corner of the latter’s eye. “she didn’t mean to say it. it was probably just in the heat of the moment, i’m sure,” she smiles up at him sadly, “but i also understood where my dad was coming from. i used to get confused whenever my dad would suddenly go, ‘i wish i could’ve done more for you,’ and i would respond like, ‘why? i like to think you raised me up well,’ but now, i understand the meaning behind it.”

“he wanted you to grow up with your mom too,” doyoung finishes for her, knowing that she couldn’t continue, and wraps her into a hug, “it must’ve been hard for you hearing this.”

“my dad’s love is the best,” she chuckles sadly while resting her cheek on his shoulder, “but yeah, i wished my mom was there too.”

“we’re happy though,” taehee then tells him as she pulls away, “and i’m not saying this because i’m trying to convince myself. there are things that i wished that happened, but everyone’s happy now. my dad is happy, i was raised well, and my mom’s achieving her dreams. we’re happy when we talk to each other, and they’re also supportive of my own ambitions, so i’m happy too.”

taehee nods once she finishes, feeling doyoung place his warm hands on each of her shoulders. “but i can’t help but be scared of holding back people i love,” she continues, her voice dropping into soft whispers as her eyes continue to water, “this thing with mark makes me scared of that, oppa, and i don’t want to do that because i love him.”

doyoung pulls her into his arms again and rubs her sides comfortingly, “you won’t, i’m sure of it.” he pulls away, moving taehee’s stray hairs from her face as he cups her jaw with his hands, “mark won’t let such thing happen.”

“realistically though—”

“ah ah, i’m not done yet,” he gives her a pointed look, quirking a brow at her, and almost praises himself for making taehee smile. “even if something does happen,” doyoung tells her, “if something does happen, i don’t think mark has it in him to just let you go through it alone.”

by then, all that remains on taehee’s features are the dried trail marks her tears have left behind. doyoung’s last statement made her ponder, and bit by bit, taehee’s feeling her heart open up more to the possibilities of pursuing her what-if’s.

“you just have to trust him, taehee-ah,” doyoung draws her attention back to him, “and yourself, too. you guys are mark and taehee, this thing you have between you two is nothing.”

and taehee starts to think that maybe he’s right. she didn’t have to be so scared of the uncertain because mark was there with her. she loved the thought of that. she loved the thought of him alone. she loved him.

she loves mark, taehee realized. she misses him badly, hoping that she’s not too late in knowing.

doyoung and taehee part minutes later, bidding each other their sweet farewells before the latter walks to their dorm, a bag containing herbal tea and soup in his hand.

the male adult empties the bag’s contents in the kitchen, waiting to just jump on his bed and sleep, but to his surprise, a big black cover of a cylindrical container catches his attention. he pulls it out and he can’t help but let a snicker sound out of him at seeing the object.

vitamin c. he shakes his head, knowing who it’s for.

mark didn’t have to ask why. he could only imagine what taehee’s feeling after having her hopes of debuting crushed when the label announced that they would be discontinuing loona. to add to that, she had to watch each of her friends leave one by one, finding other opportunities for them to help pursue their dream. he also didn’t need to ask why she didn’t want to leave too, or go home even, knowing she’ll be disappointed if she quit so early. he’s glad she still has that spark of hope within her at least.

“that’s not true,” mark murmurs next to her.

taehee’s eyes widen a fraction when he looks back at her with a genuine gaze. no matter how hard she tried, it is immensely difficult not to get caught up in his stare. she feels something warm inside her, feeling the heat rush up to her cheeks, but she doesn’t know what it means. “we’ll make it special. you still have me,” the young boy continues, “and i’m not going anywhere even if…”

“even if you decide to leave too,” like an unspoken promise in between them, they stayed by each other’s side through everything. she opened her heart up to him, trusting in his word, and he did the same.

“this’ll pass,” the leader gives her a comforting smile as he leads her to their front door, though his heart aches for the two of his members. taehee sends him an acknowledging nod on her part and he puts his hand on the handle, not pulling on it just yet. he knows who she’s waiting for.

“it’s different this time though, hyung,” her tone was soft, laced with guilt as she rocked back and forth on her feet. she misses him.

just as she opens her mouth to bid her last goodbye for the night, a certain blonde haired boy clad in a dark sweatshirt emerges from behind the wall separating the living room and the hallway to the entrance.

taehee unknowingly holds her breath in when she makes eye contact with mark, his tired eyes staring back at her own exhausted ones.

the hand that was carding through his hair, as if he just came out of the shower, slowly returns to his side after stopping in his tracks. despite the hurt weighing down on his chest since their last exchange, he wants nothing more than to wrap his arms around her in a loving embrace on her special day.

but like taehee, mark has learned to disguise his emotions with a built facade. to taehee, his unmoving expression tells her he still hates her as much as he did that night.

a heavy beat passes, then another, before mark retraces his steps back from behind the wall and disappears from her view.

a hopeless sigh escapes her lips once she turns her head back to taeyong, and he could only give her a few gentle pats on her head in hopes of consoling her.

after forcing another smile on her lips, she raises both of her arms for a hug, one that taeyong pulls her into as they bid each other goodnight, “bye hyung.” she steps out of their dorm, holding all the paper bags in one hand as she walks to the elevator.

the door clicks behind her and she doesn’t look back.

“i’m the one on the phone as you whisper,” her footsteps were light on the carpeted hallway while she murmured the lyrics of the song in its tune, “do you know how much i miss you?”

the elevator dings open and she steps inside, pressing the button that’ll bring her to the ground floor. she leans on the wall on her right and her eyes train in on her beat up converse, still singing softly to the same song.

the doors were a little more than halfway closed until she heard heavy footsteps rushing to the elevator. thinking it was one of the tenants there, she quickly pushed on one of the buttons to stop the doors from closing completely.

a loud bang resounds within the elevator as the person slams their hand on the side of the entrance to prevent the doors from moving, startling taehee.

on one of their fingers was a friendship ring taehee recognized all too well, and she doesn’t hide the shock in her eyes when she makes eye contact with the man in front of her.

his name slips easily from her tongue, yet it also felt foreign after not saying it for so long, “mark?”

the said boy finally sets foot into the elevator, not caring that its doors were closing shut behind him. a breathy sigh escapes from him, causing taehee’s brows to furrow in the realization that he ran.

“what—” she doesn’t get to continue because mark had pulled her into a tight embrace, knocking the wind out of her and causing the paper bags to drop from her hand.

surprised. confused. overwhelmed. taehee didn’t know what to feel when mark presses his cheek to her shoulder and wraps his arms tighter around her.

“i’m sorry,” he whispers finally, even if they were the only ones inside the small elevator.

“i’m so sorry for everything,” he says again, now leaning his head on her temple so he could pull her closer to him. “i miss you so much, joanie.”

taehee hadn’t known that she was crying until she tasted the salty tear that cascaded down her bottom lip. to finally be able to hear his voice, to smell the cologne they bought together months ago so close to her, and to be in his arms once again made her heart burst in ecstasy.

she snakes her arms around his waist and clasps her hands behind his back, feeling him relax as she ultimately leaned into his touch.

“i’m moving out this week,” he heard taehee blurt out from beside him, and a few seconds of silence ticked by before an airy chuckle from her broke through it, “surprise.”

mark pretended to choke on his drink, repeatedly hitting his fist on his chest in order to soothe him. he turned to his left with wide eyes and exclaimed a staged, “really?”

“your reaction was late.”

“i just processed what you said now,” a small smile took place on his lips before he leaned back, shock becoming evident all over him again, “that’s— wow, that’s great?”

his reaction caused the corner of taehee’s mouth to twitch upwards, moving her upper body towards him to steal a fry from the bag on his lap, “great? you don’t want me as your roommate anymore?”

mark rolled his eyes at her and this time, a wider grin threatened to show itself, “it’s not that. i meant like, finding a house was a very adult thing to do, and now that you found one and moving out this week is very … cool.”

he knew taehee like the back of his hand down to every detail and habit as if they were the lines and veins on his own arm. he knew the exact menu she wanted whenever they went out and ordered from subway, or how she liked her bread toasted late in the night while she reached for the nutella jar on the shelf next to where he stood, or how’d she react whenever a host said something not particular to her liking even without having to look at her.

he’d know when something’s bothering her with the way her eyes blink rapidly across the room, identifying every object in her own space to distract her from falling. he’d know when to speak about it and when not to, choosing to rub soft circles on the back of her hand with his thumb as he laced their fingers together amongst the stuffy crowd.

so really, it’s no surprise to the now twenty-two-year-old that taehee wanted to move out of their dorms. he had watched her deal and go through change countless of times in her life that he notices how restless she’d feel whenever she’s at the middle point. she was looking for something new and she found an answer. he was simply happy for her.

“wow,” taehee exhaled, pulling mark out of his reverie, “i can’t believe we’re in this stage already.”

the sun that gradually set before them painted pink and orange hues in the sky, the pretty sight causing the slight twinkle in her eyes as they reminisced and shared take-out from mcdonald’s.

mark licked his lips before asking, “what do you mean?”

“i still vividly remember the day we got so happy over getting our first choreography right back when we were trainees,” she told him, eyes drifting to the way the same tender smile grew on mark’s pair of lips.

“ahh,” he chuckled, “i remember that. i honestly forgot the song but i remembered it was locking, right? then we went to 7/11 after to get hotdogs and chocolate to celebrate.”

taehee let out a short giggle at the memory — young mark and taehee, two foreigners, who at the time trusted no one but themselves, sneaking out after practice to celebrate what you can call was their first win as trainees in korea.

“everything’s so fast these days,” she then mumbled, lips falling into a straight line, “next thing you know, we’re already 30, each of us have like at least two solo albums out…” mark chuckled at the mention of their solos.

she breathed in another smile, “then we’re gonna need to put more and more pain relief patches on as our bodies become sore more often.”

“i still want to sing even when we’re at the age that we couldn’t do everything we’re doing now,” mark told her honestly, “like dancing.”

“i don’t know,” taehee responded, trapping her bottom lip in between her teeth as she thought of what exactly she wanted to do in the future, “i love dancing.” but despite their differences in intention, the girl felt her face soften in admiration at mark’s ever-growing fervor towards singing. she loved that ever since they were trainees in the practice room.

“then you should take care of your body more,” mark quipped, reaching an arm out to grab the box of chicken nuggets that sat warmly on the center console. he opened the lid and grabbed a piece, “don’t get sick.”

she replied with a dismissive, “okay,” under her breath, before her eyebrows raised at another idea, “or i can still do producing.”

her persistent stubbornness with the topic caused mark to shake his head at her, yet it failed to hide the smile that slowly made its way to his lips — one that she doesn’t see since she’s busy watching over the waves clash against one another, the sun going down behind them.

“you should listen,” the softness in his tone unexpectedly made taehee’s heart skip a beat that she whipped her head to him in surprise, lips slightly parting once she makes eye contact with his stare that was filled with nothing but attentiveness, “take care of yourself.”

and like sticks banging simultaneously on drums, she heard her heartbeat get louder and louder the more seconds of silence pass by. she blinked at him once, then twice, before shaking her head and looking towards the front again.

“it’s okay. i have you,” taehee brushed the issue off easily, popping another fry in her mouth like it was no big deal.

“but i’m not going to be there all the time.”

“of course not. what are you? siri? and i was just joking, i’m an adult. i’ll survive on my own.”

“siri?” she heard him laugh. the jovial sound causes her to smile, “you don’t even use siri!”

“i’m fully capable,” a playful smirk took place on taehee’s lips as she sassily flicked her hand towards him, the gesture adding to mark’s amusement. “i don’t need anyone,” she singsonged.

“okay, miss independent,” a friendly chuckle sounded out of mark, and she took note of the way his cheekbones raise as he tried to bite back another one of his adorable grins.

she pulled her eyes away from him again, dusting the salt off her hands before placing one on the door handle, “do you want to go out for a bit? the cliffs look pretty neat.”

mark gave her an affirmative hum instead of a verbal answer, pulling his mask up above his nose before he hears the satisfying click the door makes when he opened it.

there’s one tiny problem though. it seems that he had forgotten the open bag of fries that sat on his lap this entire time, and taehee could only watch with horror as they spilled onto the sand once mark took a step down from the car.

“mark!” she screeched, jaw dropping down in shock as the last bag of their fries became no longer edible.

mark whispered a curse word as he bent down to pick each of them up, “my bad,” and he laughs over the obvious frown he could hear from her when she responded with, “that was the last one.”

taehee reached over to the passenger seat and opened the glove compartment, pulling out two sheets of tissues from the pack she just grabbed inside. she gave them both to mark, telling him to make sure he’s got everything before throwing them in the trash.

“you’re so clumsy,” the annoyed scoff that comes out of her caused mark to giggle. “are you seriously getting mad right now?” he said, dusting his pants off with his right hand while holding the soiled paper bag with his other.

“food shouldn’t be wasted!”

“french fries, taehee,” he pointed out with an amused brow, disappearing from taehee’s view as he walked towards the trash bins a few feet behind the car, “we can get some on the way home.”

the furrowed look etched onto her features was quickly replaced with a delighted one at hearing his proposal, and she shouted an enthusiastic, “okay!” before getting off her vehicle.

he made his way back to the car after he had disposed of their trash, inhaling deeply to get a waft of the sea air around them, but what had him more excited was the beautiful contrast of the orange sky to the deep blue waters, and the shadows the clouds casted over one another made the scenery look unreal — like a painting in a museum. a flock of seagulls then flew by and a wave of nostalgia hit him, yet the first thought that crosses his mind was—

“is this what australia felt like to you?”

taehee turned to him from the other side of the car, humming softly as mark sauntered to her side, “what was that?”

“i asked if this is what your home in australia felt like to you.”

and for the nth time that day, the corners of her lips slowly stretched into a smile — mark indeed had his way of reminding her of home, “kinda…but the feeling’s different.”

“how?” after taehee’s made sure the car was locked, they started taking calm strides towards the shore, leaving embedded footprints in the sand with every step they took.

“you realize it’s your home and you fall in love with it,” she answered, feeling mark’s shoulder brush against hers as well as his hand; so gently, it sparks something within her.

the feeling is foreign, but familiar, and it scared her.

“realize?” mark asked again, noticing the way she subtly creates some distance in between them as they walked.

“you tell yourself it’s natural because it’s always been there. you don’t think about it at first,” she kicks the sand beneath her feet while they walked, and she tries so hard not to think of the faces of her mom and dad that had flashed in her head before continuing, “but once you’ve realized, it’s already too late and you start to miss it, wishing you had appreciated it sooner before it was gone.”

mark doesn’t say anything after that, choosing to nod silently at her words before pulling his gaze away from his best friend.

on that lonely beach, there were only the clashing waves, the setting sun, and them — two people who were afraid of admitting the things they were too scared of realizing themselves.

the boy felt the weight of her last words so heavily inside of him that he was reminded again of how quickly time was flying. he never got to put much thought to it until now. the many opportunities he could have told her how he felt all flew by in an unnoticeable blur, he’s only starting to realize the fear that sat deep in his chest when it came down to finally confessing his feelings for his best friend.

it’s not that he’d get rejected, or worse, let his presence be banned from ever getting near her out of sheer awkwardness (if it ever does come to that point, a tid bit of hope remains in him that taehee wouldn’t allow something as petty as that), but it’s the possibility that he’d never get to say anything to her at all.

all because someone else was a mere step ahead of him.

and honestly speaking, from the bottom of his heart, it would pain him to think for the rest of his life that he didn’t even have to try to get at least a word out.

someone’s phone dings nearby, and he looks up to see taehee already a few feet ahead, her back towards him as she stopped and pulled her phone out of her pocket.

“who was that?” he asked in curiosity, taking a step closer to her but pausing when she turned around to face him.

“it’s just yeonjun. he sent a message,” she placed the device back in her front pocket, readjusting her mask so it sits properly on top of her nose, “do you want to go back now? you might want to rest or something since we’re waking up early tomorrow.”

even without an answer, she begins to walk in the direction they came from, assuming mark would follow once she had passed him, but his voice suddenly puts a halt in her steps, leaving exactly a foot in between the two of them.

“i have something to tell you.”

normally, if a person was about to tell another something serious, you’d notice a change in their voice depending on what they were about to say. panic could fill someone’s tone when they tell you there’s a sudden emergency and you need to get out, or their voices can drop as low as a whisper when sharing a secret not even you were supposed to know.

with mark, it was different. his voice was almost the same — mellow, calming, not pitched too deep or too high, grounding even. she heard his tone almost everyday.

it was his eyes that gave him away. they held something heavy in them as if he wanted to tell her something so badly but couldn’t. she tried to push away her growing pit of nerves, eyes slightly squinting because of the blowing wind, “what is it?”

“umm,” his adam’s apple bobbed up and down with the way he gulped, hoping to calm his frantic heart so he could finally get some words out.

one.

two.

three.

four.

exactly five seconds ran by, and with a subtle intake of his breath, he says, “i really—”

they both jolt in surprise when taehee’s phone suddenly rings, the ringtone piercing through their growing tension like a spear.

and when she takes it out, mark gets a quick glimpse of yeonjun’s contact name on her screen and takes everything in him to hold back a frustrated huff.

her hand hovered over the silent button but mark shakes his head, forcing a smile on his chapped lips as he nodded, “it’s okay, take it.”

“i’m sorry, it’s probably nothing,” she murmured apologetically, but still took a step backwards before turning around and answering the call, “what’s up?”

seeing as she’s occupied, mark immediately diverted his attention away from her, not bearing to see a small taste of his fear manifest right before him. he slowly began to realize that the same heart that he had loved her with ended up being the one to choke his own words down, letting them die helplessly on his tongue.

at that moment, mark tells himself he wasn’t ready yet, even if he so badly wanted to be.

a sharp pang hits his chest when taehee turns back around, taking note of the beaming grin she has on after ending the call.

he quickly plasters on a smile, “what is it?”

“it was just a funny story with wooyoung so he called me,” she told him, briskly walking back to the position they were in before they were interrupted, “he does that, it’s normal. he said ‘happy birthday’ by the way.”

sensing the genuineness in her message, mark releases an internal sigh. he was in no place to be jealous anyways, he told himself. “tell him thank you.”

a pleasant hum came from taehee hearing this, deciding to continue their way back to the car as she moved pass mark, “what were you going to say?”

“nothing,” he casually shrugged, despite the fact that his heart was literally about to jump out of his chest minutes prior, “i was just going to say thank you because i enjoyed today.”

taehee playfully clicked her tongue at him as she tossed her keys in her hand, the metal clinking against one another as she caught them, “we just went to mcdonald’s and walked for a bit though.”

“it was still enjoyable.”

“why?”

mark’s answer was simple, but it was everything to him, “because it was with you.”

his best friend whips her head around to face him, now walking backwards as an amused grin spreads on her cheeks, “what’s gotten into you, huh? that’s supposed to be my line.”

choosing not to answer, mark jogs right past her, simply putting a hand out to ruffle her hair in place of a verbal response.

meanwhile, taehee’s eyes steadily followed him ‘til he entered the passenger’s side of the car, not noticing the way her cheeks warm and how her lips naturally imitate the pleased grin hanging around the boy’s features.

she gets in after he did, and placing her seatbelt over her, she says, “let’s go get some mcdonald’s!”

II. A FEW HOURS LATER IN TAEHEE’S HOUSE

after taehee had dropped off mark by the dorms, telling him to take their second order of take-out from mcdonald’s upstairs for the other members, she immediately went straight back home to finish one last birthday present for mark.

scratch that. she doesn’t even know if she’ll be able to finish it in time before the day was over.

she was satisfied with the chords, completed the lyrics two days ago, and even had different melodies planned in her head as she sang the song. taehee was a perfectionist, but she told herself it’d be fine if she just sent mark a simple draft.

and she’s had him listen to many many other drafts before, including the ones that she wasn’t particularly proud of. mark was always one of the first people to hear them.

there were times that she was so eager to hear his opinion that she’d shove one of her airpods right in his ear, and he’d pretend to whine and complain saying that it hurt.

but in all seriousness, mark stayed honest with his thoughts and made sure taehee knew that. it might sound biased or exaggerated, but he really did appreciate all the things she had produced ever since her first try. his input, suggestions, comments — everything he had told her had been such a great help, and if taehee could list one of the reasons why she was grateful for mark lee’s existence, it was that he was genuinely supportive of her ever since day one, even without having to say anything. just him being there for her was enough.

so she wondered why the hell was she so nervous about letting mark hear a mere draft of another one of her songs.

“we’ve been making shades of purple out of red and blue,” taehee sings, strumming the strings on her guitar as she sat criss-cross on her couch, “‘blue’ and ‘you’ rhyme, right?”

her brows furrowed into a questioning stare as she looked up from her notes, meeting the beady eyes of her lhasa apso prancing out from the hallway leading to the kitchen.

chubs is a very active dog, always running around and looking for things to go in and out of before spending time with her owner, so taehee doesn’t pay much attention to her and allows the dog to continue trotting lightly into the next room.

“something seems odd,” she mumbled to herself, pursing her lips while her eyes ran along the words and notes on her paper.

a long pondering hum sounded out of her, before finally, she picks up her pencil and scribbles some of the words out, replacing them with new ones. she haphazardly throws the pencil back down on the couch and begins again.

“you don’t have to say ‘i love you’ to say ‘i love you’,” her mellow voice together with the tune of the guitar filled the quiet atmosphere of the house, “forget all the shooting stars and all the silver moons.”

“we’ve been making shades of purple out of red and blue. sickeningly sweet like honey, don’t need money. all i need is you….”

taehee trails off, her singing falling into a soft whisper as her strumming slowly comes to a stop, and just like a few hours prior, she feels that pounding in her chest once more.

the image of mark telling her to take care of herself from awhile ago quickly flashed in her head. she remembered hearing how soft his voice was and how it contrasted to the deep stare he held as he looked at her.

unbeknownst to her, never once did mark keep his eyes on the sunset, only taking a bare glance or two before bringing his attention back to taehee. he spent all his time studying every line, every curve, every mole and detail God had decided to put on her blessed features as he listened to her reminisce.

realizing that she had been frozen for a minute too long, taehee quickly shook the thought off and pushed it back to the deep ends of her brain.

weird.

this wasn’t the first time taehee made a song about or for the members. everyone knew that welcome to my playground was made for jungwoo and some of the lyrics of fly away with me was based on her moments spent with jaehyun and mark. she even lead the 127 members in creating an impromptu serenade for taeyong’s birthday just before he came home with the manager, who was on board with the idea.

it went well, by the way. making taeyong all flustered and red was their exact goal.

but so suddenly, she felt confused. she didn’t know why there was a warm flush threatening to show on her cheeks as she read through the lyrics of the song she was planning to send to her best friend.

it wasn’t about or for mark in the first place, she told herself. it just so happened that she was making a new song and decided to send it to him for his birthday. right?

the sound of her dog’s barking as well as someone’s footsteps entering the household pulls taehee out of her reverie, quickly turning around to see her manager go through the front door with paper bags in hand.

“jiyeon unnie!” she grinned in surprise, “what’s that?”

jiyeon smiled back at her and headed to the kitchen, prompting taehee to get up from the couch and follow suit. “자장면,” her stomach grumbles as the pleasant smell wafted its way to her nose, “have you eaten already?”

taehee politely answered her no while she went to get two ceramic bowls and two pairs of chopsticks for themselves, setting them down on the island just as jiyeon finished taking everything out of the paper bags.

“thank you, unnie,” taehee sweetly told her, sitting down on one of the stools and picking her chopsticks up to begin eating.

they both ate in comfortable silence, chubs’ footsteps running around the house with the occasional barking filling the atmosphere.

until jiyeon decided to break it, “oh! i have something to tell you.”

the excited look she had on her face caused taehee’s lips to stretch into a smile, and she gave her an acknowledging nod to continue, “what is it?”

“so i was supposed to go to this wedding, right?” jiyeon hears taehee hum as she gets herself a glass of water, “apparently, the bride and her best friend — not the groom — had feelings for each other!”

she doesn’t pay much attention to the way taehee choked on her water after that, simply looking at her with her mouth agape. she seemed to be more focused at the gossip rather than the well-being of her throat, taehee wanted to say (but couldn’t).

“no way!” taehee coughed, “during the wedding? you’re making that stuff up!”

“of course, not during the wedding,” jiyeon retaliated, turning back to get another bite of her noodles. “it was before, when they were still in high school up until college!”

“wah,” taehee sighed, going back to her seat across her manager as she handed her a glass of water, “where do you even get all of this from?”

“when you’re that reliable person in a friend group, you know all the drama and secrets,” her statement pulls out an airy chuckle out of taehee. that is kind of true, “then do they know you’re telling this to me?”

“please, it’s not like you’ll tell them i told you,” jiyeon rolled her eyes, playfully squinting them towards the younger girl before continuing, “but you know, that’s a shame.”

“i know the bride’s happy with her groom and all but you know, there’s that ‘what if’ lingering in the air.”

taehee pursed her lips at that, her mind getting clouded with a certain thought before quickly shaking it off.

“if i love someone, i’m going to tell them,” jiyeon said, and the determination in her tone puts an amused grin onto taehee’s lips.

“really? that’s romantic,” she commented.

“no regrets,” jiyeon shrugged, eating the last bits of her food, “you know, even if i don’t end up with that person.”

“that’s why you,” she pointed a finger right onto the tip of taehee’s nose, the girl straightening up almost immediately, “if you want to date, go date—” the female idol breaks down into a laugh, her hand coming up to cover the endless chortles that left her mouth, “—someone you like. do it secretly; if you want me to help you, i’ll go help you; if you want tips or something, like how to—”

“SHHH!” taehee immediately halted in her laughter, hands flying to jiyeon’s mouth to prevent the words that were about to tumble out of her mouth. her eyes that were widened in embarrassment brought greater amusement to jiyeon that she had to hold in a chuckle. 

taehee slowly brought her arms back to her sides, relaxing into her seat while she shook her head aggressively, “i don’t want to hear it! i don’t want to!” she was greatly aware of how experienced jiyeon was at relationships. there were a few times that she might have overshared, but it’s not like she didn’t want to know either. this brings taehee back to jiyeon’s earlier statement — “if i love someone, i’m going to tell them.” well, she sure is generous with her tales. 

meanwhile, an adoring smile slowly creeped its way onto jiyeon’s mouth as she studied taehee’s innocent demeanor. being her manager for three years, she knows enough to see how confident and bold she was in front of the fans (with the members, it was usual but very lightly), but can get so easily flustered with a sincere compliment or two. jiyeon giggled.

“why are you looking at me like that?” 

taehee watched as the older girl stood up, grabbing their bowls and utensils before moving to the sink. jiyeon turned the tap on and started rinsing, “you deserve to be happy too. we’re all just humans by the end of the day.” 

she doesn’t see the confused look taehee is giving her but she knows. “i’m not saying you need a relationship to be happy,” she continued, “my point is just that if you know you’re going to be happy with something or someone and you won’t end up regretting your choice, by all means, go for it.” 

“what if there’s something stopping me from doing so?” taehee piped up, trapping her bottom lip in between her teeth as she waited for an answer. 

though it was right on the tip of jiyeon’s tongue, it doesn’t come to her immediately. she wanted to give time to taehee for her to think herself. 

a few more moments of silence pass before jiyeon turns the tap off, leaving their bowls and utensils freshly cleaned on the dish dryer before fixing her gaze on the younger girl. “that’s not true,” she started, “nothing, or no one, is stopping you from choosing your happiness.” 

“these options laid out in front of you wouldn’t be there if it weren’t for the decisions you made earlier,” jiyeon stated almost matter-of-factly, “you chose to audition, to train, to put effort into your training, and now you’re here, an idol — with a house, and a car, and a dog.” 

when taehee still doesn’t understand, jiyeon decided to take her seat back across from her. “remember when you told me you wanted to buy a house?” the twenty-one year old nodded slowly, “that was a big responsibility. i told you ‘what if we couldn’t be there and something suddenly broke? or what if you’d find it easier that you stayed in the dorms and regretted moving?’” 

“you told me we’d find a way to fix it, that we’d find a way to make things easier as long as you got a house,” jiyeon’s smile widened at seeing the features on taehee’s face soften in understanding, “because it’s what makes you happy. you’d choose to move forward when things get hard because you’re happy with the decision you made.”

“so really, the only thing that’s stopping you from choosing happiness,” taehee already knew what she was going to say next, “is yourself.”

 III. NCT 127’S TENTH FLOOR APARTMENT

mark’s phone dings somewhere under the sheets of his bed and he blindly reached for it as he fought the fatigue weighing down on his eyelids.

he let out an internal cheer when he finally found it, holding the device above him as he tapped it open. his eyes formed into a squint because of the screen’s brightness, and so he quickly lowers it down before unlocking his phone.

once he clicks on the green messaging app, an unconscious smile appears on his face at seeing the contact name on top.

joanie now

i’m gonna stay the night in the house so i’m not going home :O

and it’s technically not your birthday anymore but i just want to give you this

untitled_draft.mp3

don’t judge it too hard that’s only the first draft T______T

anyways, i hope you had fun today. you’re so old 👎

just kidding haha !!!! goodnight, marky !!!!!!! happy birthday ♡

“‘you’re so old’,” mark chuckled to himself (as if taehee wasn’t just four months younger than him) before he sending a short message back, knowing she’d reply tomorrow morning. mark stared at their messages a little longer before clicking on the file, not pressing the play button just yet.

mark’s heard many of taehee’s songs firsthand ever since predebut and he had always been amazed at what he’d end up listening to, mesmerized with the way she could produce and finish such diverse tracks.

and he feels his admiration for her grow all the more as he listened to the song she just sent him, the corners of his mouth stretching into an unconscious grin at the way her beautiful voice flowed through the speakers.

mark slept with a happy heart that day. all his fears and worries that were brought up awhile ago on the beach seemed to disappear every time taehee’s song played again and again through his earphones.

he hopes that one day he’d get to play his heart’s song for her too.

locking = when you suddenly go from a fast movement and ‘lock’ or freeze for a short while before going back to dancing

fromseul there you have it :D hope you guys enjoyed this and happy birthday to our fully capable ace, mark lee <3

renjun “i met taehee noona the same time i met mark hyung in the cafeteria. right after hyung told me i looked older than i was, i saw noona punch him lightly on the shoulder like she was scolding him (laughs). then she offered me to have lunch with them and was really friendly. from then on, i thought she was a reliable person even if i didn’t know her well at the time. (he grins) and i was right.”

jeno “taehee noona….noona was introduced to me by mark hyung. she was wearing an oversized band shirt and dark sweatpants, like she just came from practice. she looked really cool! honestly, i’ve heard about her from the other trainees about how she’s so good at dancing and rapping — singing, too. so in my mind, i was like, ‘ah, so this is the legend they’re talking about’ (laughs). despite all that, she’s still down to earth. that’s one of the things i like about her.”

haechan (he answers right away, giggling) “taehee noona and i did not get along well at first, you guys probably knew that already. i vaguely remember how we first met actually, but i just remember how her reactions were so funny whenever i teased her. i’m grateful that she doesn’t take them to heart, she teased me back so it was fun. noona is really easy to get along with. it’s never a dull moment with her.”

jaemin “noona was mark hyung’s friend — that was all i thought of her back then. there was this one time she bought ice cream for her friends, and even if we weren’t close, she thought of me and saved one for me. she actually fought haechanie for the choco ice cream before offering me a strawberry flavored one. but then jeno told her i didn’t like the taste of artificial strawberry, so in an instant, she took the strawberry ice cream and gave her choco one to me. i was really surprised, i didn’t think she’d do that. but noona has a warm heart. (did you enjoy your ice cream?) of course, i did! besides it not being strawberry (chuckles), it was from taehee noona so i enjoyed it very much!”

chenle “i wasn’t that good in speaking korean at the time, so i didn’t talk that much. i can’t remember how taehee noona knew about it, but she was really understanding and talked to me in english sometimes. even if she was a foreigner herself, she tried to help me with my korean and treated me to convenience store food (laughs). so now, i pay her back by treating her to nice restaurants. she’s cool!” (he does a thumbs up as a sign of approval)

taehee clicks her tongue as she fell on on top of mark, feeling him press his cheek lovingly against her spine while he squeezes his arms around her waist, trapping her. he places his chin on her shoulder and asks, “what are you and jisung going to do?” 

“this one,” she shows him one of those tiktok dances that had caught her attention, the video of two best friends dancing along to a steelix remix of lloyd’s ‘lay it down’ playing on her phone. mark knows he’s heard that song somewhere.

he pulls away from taehee’s shoulder to meet her eyes and blinks, “why can’t you do one with me?”

mark doesn’t miss the way she brings her eyes down to his parted lips, feeling his heart beat erratically in response to the subtle action. maybe he was just imagining it, he tells himself. it’s all fuzzy even when she answers his question, saying, “because i want to do it with jisung. we’re cute.”

“i am cute too.”

“i am very aware,” taehee nods teasingly, tapping her finger on his bottom lip.

and mark was content with that, or maybe he just wasn’t mentally ready for what else his best friend could do after she looked at him with such eyes.

everything in him was in such a haze, yet the scene of her glancing to his own pair of lips even just for a split second was just so vivid in his cluttered mind, he kept playing it over and over and over again as she slipped away from his grasp.

“weak,” mark hears someone cough from beside him, the voice he immediately recognizes to be renjun’s. seeing as taehee’s out of earshot, he turns his head towards him with an airy chuckle, “what?”

“you and jisung keep acting jealous, but then you just let her go like that,” at his words, mark pretends to act as if he were absurd, furrowing his brows in confusion before releasing a laugh.

“you all are so weird,” he shakes his head, putting his arm around the younger’s shoulder before ruffling his hair. “argh, hyung!” renjun groans, freeing himself from the elder’s grasp.

“but you’re wrong.”

“hm?”

“who said i’m letting her go just like that?” renjun lets an amused grin grow on his lips upon hearing mark’s confident words, his hand coming up to hit his shoulder playfully. “ohoho, mark hyung,” he teases, seeing the smugness radiate off mark as he gives him a casual shrug.

“but you know,” he tells him, “she’s her own person.”

renjun throws his head back as he laughed, “why are we suddenly getting serious? do you really like her?”

mark swears he felt his heart stop at that exact moment, but he doesn’t let it show, choosing to reply with, “oh i was just playing along.”

renjun gives him one last chuckle before returning to his phone, a video of two cats jumping an invisible wall playing on the screen.