#s:wtss

The makeup artist starts retouching my foundation, it started to melt down my face with all the heat from the lights and the sweating from dancing. Other than that my makeup still looks flawless. I feel like an idol. Still looking perfect despite the work and pressure. Still holding it together. 

A producer shoots their head in the door, signalling that it’s our time. In half an hour, I’ll be an idol. 

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The ten of us remaining stand in a row at the back of the stage. The cameras begin rolling again, a red light signalling it’s live. Our host, Otille Aldridge, stands in front of us facing the camera. Mic in hand they begin their usual speech.“Welcome back everyone! It’s now the long awaited moment. They’ve made it to the final but will they make it to 5tardom? We’ve counted up the votes and now it’s time to unveil the winners, but first, let’s go to our finalists.”

They walk towards us, speaking to each of us individually, asking short personal questions about trivial things that don’t matter. “What is your favourite memory from the show?” “Which performance do you think was the best?” 

I look around at the girls beside me as I wait. Trying to picture who could be in a group beside me. Ivy will definitely get in, the judges love her. High scores since day one. Going off of public votes, I’d say Odette and possibly Lottie. They both have those bubbly personalities that idol fans are obsessed with.

Otille stops at Alice, innocently they ask, “Your performance today, how do you think it went?” Alice freezes. Her fingers anxiously twitch against her mic. Over the last few months, I’ve learned that Alice doesn’t perform well under pressure. When the first eliminations happened she sang the wrong lyrics. After her performance I found her backstage, hyperventilating and her face soaked in tears. She messed up today as well, slipped on the stage. Otille is brutal for asking her that question, they know damn well how that performance went. 

“I think, It went.. I did.. I did my best.” She stumbles. 

“Really?” Otille responds, their smile not fully reaching their red eyes. “Aelita! You really shined in that group performance today! How did you prepare yourself for the stage?”

I look them straight in the eyes, “I worked consistently, that’s all.”

After the questioning is over, the judges scoreboard is revealed and I hear our presenter begin to read through them. I’m sitting at twenty-nine points; just behind Ivy, who’s at thirty. I’m followed by Wendy, Lottie, Kaori, Odette, Avani, Pearl, Alice, and Oksana. I’m so glad to see Pearl near the bottom. My gods has she been insufferable. She was one of the few who auditioned to get in but she’s been so full of herself. She’d be better as a soloist because she turns every single group routine into a game of how much she can she make it about herself. 

“And now for the overall results! The public vote results will be announced on our social media after the show is over.” Otille shouts out. We wait in anxious anticipation.

“The first to join 5tardom is..” a beat.

“Lottie Abbot!” 

Called it. Her face lights up as she bounces forward to take her place. 

“The next member is… Ivy Castello!” I watch as she fights back tears. She’s put in so much work it must be such a relief for her. Training in Knock Out Music since she was ten. Lottie pulls her into a hug when she gets beside her. 

“Wendy Hawthorne!” Otille shouts out. She says something else, but I’m only listening for one thing. 

“Kaori Larkin!” I can practically hear it now. Final member, Aelita Irvine-

“Our fifth and final member is Avani Ellsworth!” 

I stare ahead of me, into the darkness of the live audience. Avani?! The one who has constantly been sabotaging the other contestants? Did the viewers forget Maribel, who Avani tripped up on stage? Or even Silvanna, she broke down on her last performance but that was only because Avani had been verbally harassing her before she stepped onstage? The producers had to have left that footage out. There’s no way they would have missed it.

I watch the five of them up there. Crying and smiling and hugging each other. That’s when it hits. I didn’t get in. Now I’m standing here, feeling like such an idiot. Odette turns to me and puts her arms out for an embrace, I hug her back stiffly. She whispers into my ear “You should be up there Aelita.”

“You too” I whisper back. It’s the truth. 

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I’m out of my costume, now in a lavender tracksuit. Sitting at a mirror in the greenroom, scrubbing at my face with a cleansing balm. Despite its chamomile scent, it doesn’t calm me down. I want to cry and scream at the same time. Pearl is ranting with Oksana on the sofa behind. I see that Oksana is shoving stuff into a bag. Probably preparing to head back to our dorms to pack up their stuff. I don’t care if everyone sees me with my makeup half off my face, I can’t listen to Pearl right now. I speed out of the room, slamming the door on my way out. 

Back at the dorms one of the staff is waiting outside the door, with a box of our phones that had been taken off us for the duration of the show. Thankfully, it’s fully charged. They must have charged them for us before giving them back. At least they can do that for us. 

My room is empty. I shared with Wendy, Maribel, and another girl Xiaomara. The last week or so it’s only been me and Wendy. I open my phone to book my train home but I can barely do it with the amount of notifications that come flooding through. I decide to leave them until I get on the train. It’ll be a good distraction.

I open the door to leave and Wendy is standing there in front of me. Her makeup is smudged around her eyes which reminds me that my whole face is smudged. I shove down my embarrassment of her seeing me look a mess, I care more than I thought. 

“Congrats on getting in, you deserve it.” I say almost halfheartedly, but I mean it. I just don’t have it in me right now. 

“Thank you! I’m sorry you didn’t get in.” She responds.“Heading off?”

“Yeah, I have a train to catch in about, two hours. Just going to finish taking this all off” I say gesturing weakly towards my face. She looks at me with a piteous look. Rub it in that you won why don’t you? 

I step aside and let her in to the room, her stuff is already packed, lying neatly against her bunkbed. Before she steps into the room she speaks again, “Aelita, don’t.. pay attention to all the stuff that’s on the internet right now. People have been saying some pretty… nasty things about y- everyone.”

“That’s to be expected I guess, thanks.”

She lets out a slight smile, her violet eyes that hide behind her short braided fringe have a reddish tinge. I sit my hand on her shoulder saying one last thing before I probably never see her again. “It’s been nice having you as my roommate these last few months, I’ll miss it.”

“Me too, good luck Aelita.”

“You too.”

With that I’m gone. Tears prick my eyes but I refuse to let them fall until I’m home. 

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The train ride home feels gruelling. I phoned my dad on the walk over, telling him I was coming home. The survival show was in a studio in Aubade, almost two hours away. The train is quiet, it’s a Tuesday evening so it makes sense. I’m glad that it’s quiet. I’ve been scared of people recognising me on the streets because I can’t really deal with other people right now. Or maybe I wouldn’t be recognised regardless. Do people even become famous from survival shows?

I take out my phone, ready to dig through the piles of notifications I have. Most of it is calls or texts from friends and family. All good luck messages, saying how great I’ll be. Even some from my old label mates. I’ll have to return to them soon. Whenever soon may be. 

Social media is filled with edits from the show, the new group that is. It’s the first thing I see when all I want is to numb my brain and for the rest of this ride. Congratulations to 5tardom! These girls are so talented! I can’t wait for their official debut! My chest stings with each post. Just scroll, after scroll, after scroll, after scroll. Scrolling until 5tardom is gone. 

Path the Stars public vote results.

I shouldn’t. I really shouldn’t. It’s just adding salt to the wound.  But my finger moves before my brain can tell it to stop. I search for my name in the results, searching lower and lower until there I am. 

Eight place. 

How in the ever-loving fuck did that happen? I’m sitting as low  Pearl for Ceridwen’s sake. Avani is ridiculously high for all the shit she pulled. 

This could hurt but I need to research this more. What did I do that made the public dislike me that much? I type Aelita Path the stars into a search engine. I see my headshot first of all which takes me aback for a minute. One link takes me to a Path the Stars forum, featuring all posts with my name mentioned. 

Aelita has such a bad attitude, did anyone else see her side eyeing everyone in the first episode? Probably thinks she’s better than everyone else. 

I actually hate Aelita. Can she stop being so good so I don’t have to watch her anymore. She’s such a bitch. 

What is up with these girls’ individual interviews. Some of them are so judgey and cruel. Especially Aelita, what is her problem?

I don’t.

I don’t understand.

I never done or said half of these things. 

The list keeps growing. Of fake quotes and scenes. Manufactured by the producers. They have to be. Somebody had to stir drama. I don’t understand why it had to be me. 

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I stand at my door. It started raining when I came out of the station.  My hair is sticking to my neck and face. If there was any makeup residue I missed it’s all off now. I don’t feel a thing. My thoughts swirl from my personal hell of a rabbit hole I went down. When I started I couldn’t stop, no matter how bad the comments became. Even the death threats didn’t make me turn away. 

“Aelita come in before you catch your death.” My dad is standing in the doorway. His grey eyes are stern, with a smudge of concern behind them. I step into the house, drenching our tiled hallway. I don’t say a word, I don’t look anywhere but at the shiny white tiles. 

He places a hand on my shoulder stopping me from going any further, “I’m sorry.” He says. “That you didn’t get it. But what happened on that show? I haven’t heard from you in months.”

As I look up some of the rain falls into my eyes. “We weren’t allowed our phones during the show.” I mumble. 

We walk into the sitting room, and we discuss everything. My account of events was entirely different. The producers seemed to want to paint me as a villain, even from episode one. 

“There’s not much that can be done is there?” He says.

“No… it’s over. All the work for nothing.”

“Something will come up again surely. Your label probably has something lined up for you.”

I’m reminded of the email I came across in my notifications. Due to your recent behaviour on the show “Path the Stars” we will have to terminate your contract. I don’t know what I can do now, I’m probably blacklisted from the industry for life. I dropped out of school when I was eleven for this dream. I’m seventeen now. My eyes begin to sting, I have nothing to fall back on. Can’t even get a boring office job cause I don’t even have a secondary school education. 

“My.. contract. It’s been terminated.” I choke out. 

We sit in silence. The clock on the mantel ticks away. I want to storm over and smash it. I dig my fingers into the plush sofa instead. 

My phone beeps in time with the ticks. It’s sitting beside my dad. He flips it over to look at the screen and takes a few seconds to read it. 

“Email, for you.” He says in a cheerier tone.

I sigh, “let me guess, spam?”

“Wrong. Take a look.” He’s smiling now, smugly. I don’t like that. He hands over the phone. It is an email, and it’s not spam. It’s from.. 

Ravenshade entertainment. 

I sit up straighter, clutching my phone delicately with both hands. It reads;

Dear Aelita Irvine, 

I am speaking on behalf of Ravenshade Entertainment CEO, Ian Ravenshade. We are currently scouting talent for a future girl group. We seen your performance on the show Path the Stars and are highly impressed. We would love to have you join our agency as we believe you would be a perfect match for our company. Please respond by 12th September if you’re interested. 

Regards,

Kato Halley 

Head of talent, Ravenshade Entertainment. 

A tear finally falls down. I look back at my dad, who is still grinning. “So, not over?”

“Just.. restarting.”

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Days later I’m donning a blue hoodie and black flared fleece trousers. I would wear the purple again, but there’s too many negative emotions attached to it now. It will have to be cleansed a few times before I can bring myself to wear it again. My satnav has brought me to Ravenshade. I’ve been to Dawnspire a few times, never down this end though. I’m meeting with Kato Halley today, he wanted to introduce me to the company I guess. 

Inside is sleek and modern, very different to the unassuming exterior. Behind the reception desk, a tall man comes out from an office, rambling on the phone. He spots me standing at the door, and I hear him mumble something to whoever it is on the other line. He then hangs up, shouting across the room, “Aelita! Great to see you made it alright.” He walks out, extending a hand, “Kato Halley, it’s nice to meet you.”

I shake it stiffly, “nice to meet you too.”

“Alright, let’s show you around then. I’m on the clock today, apologies if it’s a bit rushed.”

While we walk around, I see the groups of trainees rehearsing in practice rooms, some walk about in the hallways. When they notice me, they whisper to each other, sending sharp looks my way. I try and focus on what Mr. Halley is saying instead. He seems very familiar, have I seen him somewhere before?

At the end of the tour, I just let myself get everything I want to say out. I turn to Mr. Halley, “Why was I asked to join?”

He looks at me confused, and unsure. “Well we seen you on that survival show, just snatching you up before another company would come around. You don’t get to the final rounds without some sort of talent.”

I take a breath, “that’s not what I meant. I mean, why was I asked here when you clearly watched the show. Wouldn’t it not affect the company’s reputation if I showed up?” I’m grateful for this, but honestly it’s a stupid move on their part. Heck, the other trainees don’t even want me here. 

He responds, “Not everyone is dumb enough to not realise that that media company has been known for pulling this shit for decades. You weren’t the first and you won’t be the last. Look, if you don’t believe me. I was on one of their older shows. I still made it, but they removed most of my scenes with other participants so it looked as if I didn’t like any of them or had any connections. We’re giving you the chance to prove that they tampered with the editing. Without causing you to get blacklisted for good.” 

I glance towards the ground, my brows furrowing as I take a minute to process and think. I speak out, “Alright then, I’ll join”.

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Three months passed. The same amount of time I spent on that stupid show. I hear the trainees whispering about me constantly, all just parroting phrases that I had heard and read before. It was just annoying now, they have bigger things to worry about. I was considering dropping out, because this “girl group” that was apparently in the works was never mentioned again. I heard some speculations but it was just people getting ahead of themselves. Creating false hope. 

I got an email from Kato Halley about an “urgent meeting” and that my usual mentors would be notified of my absence for the day. A whole day off for a meeting is a bit absurd. Except I wasn’t the only one there, so maybe it would take longer than expected. 

When Mr. Halley arrived eventually I only paid half attention, he was just spewing a bunch of nonsense at us. Something about new schedules and being our “manager” now. If this means I’ve finally been placed into a group it’s terribly organised and quite frankly I don’t believe it. I’ve barely slept and I’m running off of watery coffee from a cheap shop beside my dorm. I question him further, I need clarification. 

He tells us we’re SonÁr. “Our sound will reach you,” he explains. 

Oh.

It’s really happening.

I thought it would be more climatic than this. 

Maybe it’s just the sleep deprivation, or maybe I’m just in disbelief. This is what I wanted right? Why don’t I feel happy? I look around at the other girls. The one standing beside me was staring out into space, eyes wide. I checked in with her and gave a soft smile, I hope it gets the message across. The rest have a mix of joy and surprise. 

We’re sent to gather up our things to move out. Turns out me and Heather, one of the girls I’m now in a group with, have been living on the same floor. Somehow we never crossed paths until now. She’s young, fifteen. “You seem familiar, but I don’t remember seeing you about.” She inquires.

“Oh, I was on a survival show a while ago, if you watch those.”

“That explains it. I don’t watch them but I watch the performance videos. Which one?”

Reluctantly I tell her, “Path the stars.”

“Oh the new new one!” She exclaims. “Everyone was really good on it, tough competition.”

I nod slightly in agreement. I’m slightly relieved that somebody in Ravenshade never watched it. 

“I look forward to working with you, I’d say you’ve learned a lot from that, I hope you’ll teach me sometime!” She beams at me as we walk out the door. 

I chuckle softly back, “yeah I will.”

I feared that I would have to win over my future group mates, never mind the public again. But maybe it won’t be too bad, if the other girls are like Heather, then.. I’ll be okay. I let out a breath I’ve been holding for too long, as it begins to feel that everything will work out in the end. 

Heather | rose | Juniper | Ruri