#ruby grapefruit

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This is it baby, the most basic seltzer. I feel since grapefruit is a pretty standard seltzer flavor, this is a good baseline for many future ratings. Think about it. Who dislikes the grapefruit flavor anyway? Those people are weird. Grapefruits are a lot of effort to eat (or maybe I’m just bad at eating them) so having them in a seltzer format is ideal. And this one can help you get drunk! Amazing. If you really want that “fresh grapefruit experience,” you can shake the can and open it near your eyes so a bit of grapefruit-esque water can squirt right into your cornea. Just like a real grapefruit!

White Claw is starting to become the Kleenex of spiked seltzer. I have stared at many a Truly’s or Cape Line and called it a White Claw. Look. People know what a White Claw is. People have no idea what you’re saying when you’re all like “I got the Henry’s in the back.” And like, Smirnoff has them now too? But you can’t just be all like “Have a Smirnoff,” because 1) gross and 2) you have to clarify these days. A Smirnoff what? A Smirnoff Ice? A Smirnoff Mixer? A shot of the extremely delicious yet equally dangerous Smirnoff Red White and Blue? A Smirnoff vodka tampon? Bitch which is it???

Okay okay I’m digressing and I’m digressing hard. Ruby Grapefruit White Claw. Revolutionary. Gone are the days of mixing some shitty vodka with La Croix Pampelmousse and calling it a “health-conscious way of destroying my own liver.” The great prophet Post Malone may have once said “shorty mixing up the vodka with the ‘Lee-Croix’” but I haven’t been shorty since at least 2017.

Oh my god I digressed again. Sorry, team. Okay so Ruby Grapefruit. Let’s start with the can aesthetics. White Claws have a visually appealing white can with a wave logo. The wave is shaped like a claw omfg I just realized that they’re probably called White Claw because big waves are called that maybe in surfer lingo maybe? I live by a Great Lake guys I don’t know shit about surfing. Anyway the can is great, recognizable, and most importantly, fits in all of my koozies. The cans are more tall than thicc, so there’s a little wiggle room in the koozie, but it still perfectly fits in my hand. And it looks cute! You can use that extra koozie room for like, a juul or whatever you dumb kids smoke these days. Do you match your juul flavor to your White Claw? I probably would if I smoked juuls and was extra. But sadly, I am just extra. Also: does anyone over the age of 19 smoke juuls? Like please let me know if you smoke a juul but also have employer-provided health insurance. I’m just curious.

Flavor: THE FLAVOR! Tastes like you bought it straight from the farmer’s market. Delicious. You cannot taste any of the 5% ABV in this bad boy. Look, I’m a big La Croix Pampelmousse aficionado and this hits the alcoholic spot. Tastes fresh as hell. You know where I want to drink this beverage? Let me tell you where I want to drink this beverage:

- at a summer party

- at a sports game

- in my shower

- casual drinking at the bar Tuesday

- absolutely getting hammered at the bar Wednesday

- at some event your mom dragged you to and now you have to talk to strangers who know your mom but not you and it’s like ugh I can’t relate to these people

- church festival

- weddings

- funerals

- in a box

- with a fox

- backseat, windows up

- literally anywhere

Okay fam. In conclusion, shit’s delicious. Put your Claws up, Little Monsters! And I guess, everyone else.

Final rating: 9/10

You thought I was gonna rate this perfectly huh? Well there’s always room for improvement. Not everyone gets a ten, Karen. Tbh, I’ve tried some other seltzers that I like better. I’m gonna get to them. One review at a time.