#rowanrambles

i really want to get back to my life. im pretty sure i was in an abusive relationship the last seven years. i dont know myself anymore. ive lost all my friends, my identity, my religion, everything that made me feel at home...

im kind of a recluse. i dont go out much, and have very few people to talk to. because i lost my job due to health issues, i started asking my "friends" for help. at first i just wanted their help with finding a new job, filling out forms for assistance, help around the house. everyone said no. so i asked them for money. they gave it to me. then they all turned their backs on me because that didnt help. money never helps. i hate asking for it. i hate that it exists. i still have a basically unknown and debilitating health issue. i still havent figured out how to apply for assistance or health insurance. of course money isn't doing anything to fix my situation when i dont know what to do with it other than just get by. i wish i had some help. but they all turned away from me.

i feel like an ugly thing. no one can look at me. i dont want my life to be like this. i try every day to change it. im sad all the time. the only people i talk to are here and discord, and its like half a dozen people. usually just one. i wish i knew how to make friends. i wish i knew how to get the people i used to know to talk to me again. but its so hard to see them all doing so well in life, with government assistance, with healthcare, with families who care about them, to know they did all the things i asked for help for and couldnt be bothered to help me-- it makes me bitter. it makes me resent them. i only have a few people i like and its not any of the people from my past. it makes me sad. but maybe i should start over.

all of my friends were his friends. he alienated and isolated me from everyone i knew. all of my ties were his ties. i dont want to be a part of him anymore. i miss my identity-- i miss being a man. i miss my religion, i misss sharing it with my friends. i miss knowing people, people who werent unempathetic weirdos who preach progressiveness but won't lift a finger to actually help someone who's struggling.

i wish i had a family. i miss my wolfpack. i wish i had a place in the world that felt like home.

all these wishes and it feels like the sky is empty, no stars for me to find. i wish there was an answer.

This time last year I had plans to end my own life. I was so alone and lost, unmedicated and nearly homeless. I thought I was a burden to everyone I loved and I couldn’t make friends. I thought I was useless.

But I have someone who tells me I’m everything to them, so I tried again. One more year, I could try again.

I ended my abusive 7 year long relationship. I moved us back home to be closer to my brother’s grandma. I let him take care of me when I was weak and lift me up when I was strong. I made changes, to my meds, to my lifestyle, I got a job I love, I didn’t give up. I broke through my mania.

I’m free again.

I’m trying again. I’m succeeding in small steps. It’s like learning how to fly— you must fall before you soar. I’m breathing again.

We’re making it on our own now.

I’m happy to leave 2025 behind. I’m happy it happened. I’m grateful. I’m alive.

Here’s to 2026. Cheers.

Sometimes I forget the little community I’ve made is not all that there is in the world. I forget that what is normal for me is not normal for the rest of society. Tomorrow I go back to work. This has emotional ramifications for me that I wasn’t expecting.

Anyone who knows me knows this is a big deal. I’ve been sleeping on an air mattress for months and before that borrowed mattresses that were older than I was. Finally got the opportunity to get myself a mattress and I took it

Let me tell you— what a life changer. I woke up with no pain this morning. In fact I’m wide awake and barely need my coffee because I slept so well. It was literally the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I used to dread going to sleep. Now I’m happy to do so because it takes away the pain in my body.

I’m like a boredom werewolf

Lore drop under the cut