#rowansproblems

A year ago today I lost my best friend. He was a cat, but he was so much more than that to me. 16 years we fought through life together. I’ve been in such a fog since he’s been gone, I don’t know how to move on.

I miss you, Oskar. I miss you.

I got a job I like. The bills are paid. My mental health is improving.

I keep thinking about writing

I want to finish Nepenthe

-trailer for a movie series I really love drops today- Well, can’t kill myself before that.

i really want to get back to my life. im pretty sure i was in an abusive relationship the last seven years. i dont know myself anymore. ive lost all my friends, my identity, my religion, everything that made me feel at home...

im kind of a recluse. i dont go out much, and have very few people to talk to. because i lost my job due to health issues, i started asking my "friends" for help. at first i just wanted their help with finding a new job, filling out forms for assistance, help around the house. everyone said no. so i asked them for money. they gave it to me. then they all turned their backs on me because that didnt help. money never helps. i hate asking for it. i hate that it exists. i still have a basically unknown and debilitating health issue. i still havent figured out how to apply for assistance or health insurance. of course money isn't doing anything to fix my situation when i dont know what to do with it other than just get by. i wish i had some help. but they all turned away from me.

i feel like an ugly thing. no one can look at me. i dont want my life to be like this. i try every day to change it. im sad all the time. the only people i talk to are here and discord, and its like half a dozen people. usually just one. i wish i knew how to make friends. i wish i knew how to get the people i used to know to talk to me again. but its so hard to see them all doing so well in life, with government assistance, with healthcare, with families who care about them, to know they did all the things i asked for help for and couldnt be bothered to help me-- it makes me bitter. it makes me resent them. i only have a few people i like and its not any of the people from my past. it makes me sad. but maybe i should start over.

all of my friends were his friends. he alienated and isolated me from everyone i knew. all of my ties were his ties. i dont want to be a part of him anymore. i miss my identity-- i miss being a man. i miss my religion, i misss sharing it with my friends. i miss knowing people, people who werent unempathetic weirdos who preach progressiveness but won't lift a finger to actually help someone who's struggling.

i wish i had a family. i miss my wolfpack. i wish i had a place in the world that felt like home.

all these wishes and it feels like the sky is empty, no stars for me to find. i wish there was an answer.

Things have been going so well I almost forgot

How fucked I really am

I’m scared I’m scared I’m scared

For four months I’ve been holding it together

Stuffing it down

I don’t know how to open up

I don’t know you, I don’t know me

I’m scared I’m scared I’m scared

Life is going back to normal

My life leaving me behind while I’m still

Trapped in it trapped with the memories

In the disassociation

With the fear and the guilt and the pity

You died months ago

Years ago

Days ago it feels like to me

I just wanted to be free of it and this feels like

Air rushing up to meet me beneath open and broken wings I cannot fly

I do not feel free in my own mind

There’s so much I wanted to be

And yet there’s so little left of me

I’m scared I’m scared I’m scared

Why won’t this sickness let go of me

I died months ago

Years ago

Days ago it feels like to me