#robertbrowning

I complimented his hair, saying, Wow

how do you get it to stand up like that?

And some girl got offended, saying,

Hey, that’s just black hair, what the fuck?

So I said, You mean, black peoples’ hair?

And she said, Yeah, you’re being racist!

So I said, first of all, I wasn’t talking to you.

Second of all, you’re not even black.

And third of all (turning to the guy with

the hair—asking him) Are you offended?

To which he said, Nope. So I turned back

to the offended and said, And third of all,

he’s not even offended, so shut the fuck up.

So she said, That was a microaggression.

And I said, Did you know that the word

microaggression isn’t even recognized

by spellcheck? (not true—I just found out

when I typed this poem) But I did say,

Bitch, I though I told you to shut the fuck up.

(I didn’t actually say Bitch—that would be

misogynistic, for which I have no tolerance)

But I did say, How can it be aggressive if

I meant it as a compliment, and the person

I said it to took it as a compliment? Did I

somehow offend the greater universe of

smug people with sticks up their asses?

She said, No, it made reference to race,

and as a privileged, white male, you have

no right to say anything about that.

So I said, Listen, Bitch (no, I still didn’t

say that, but I really, really wanted to)

There’s aggression, and there’s not,

and if every little thing in the world

bothers you, maybe you need to buck up

and grow a thicker skin about things,

not to mention, even the prefix ‘micro’

tells you that it’s no big thing, just like

most things in life are no big thing and

not worth getting your panties in a bunch.

So she said, What did you say?!? Are you

making reference to my gender? You think

because I look like a woman, I identify as

a woman, and must be wearing woman’s

underwear? Is that what you’re saying?!?

So I looked at her, took a deep breath,

and said, Yeah. That’s what I’m saying.

At which point her panties, I am sure,

were in a serious bunch, though I don’t

know from where that phrase originates,

so I asked her, Just wondering, are you

wearing panties? To which she said, Uh…

To which I said, Then shut the fuck up.

(this piece is a dramatic monologue, a fictional characterization

that exhibits the positions of two opposing belief systems and